Rick Santorum Has Intimate Knowledge Of Satan; Coincidentally, It's Also The Only Thing He's Intimate With

I'm sure by now you've probably heard some vague rumblings about the mysterious substance surging through the nation, oozing its frothy, God-fearing, Santorum-y essence across the vast, toxic, anal sex-ridden, pagan and homosexual wasteland that is OBAMA'S United States.

But just who is this frumpy Jesus freak in a sweater vest spreading the gooey missionary (style) gospel of one whiny, frightened, sexually frustrated, middle aged white man who loves the ladies, save for that scary sinkhole tucked between their aspirin hugging knees?

And even more importantly, just what exactly is "burning down there," Rick? The eternal flame of a 2,016 year-old Jewish carpenter who somehow made his way into his already-bunched up tighty-whities?? The volcanic force of thousands of pent-up erections ready to explode inside virginal Christian wombs the world over?

The work of the great S-named force of evil plaguing our once-pure, once-chaste, once-white Christian nation? No, no not Sex. Give up? Why Satan, of course!

"Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has so deeply rooted in the American tradition."

Please don't say the pussy willow, anything but pussy please!

"This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country - the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

Likely after they sowed their freedom juice into the French hookers Ben Franklin was kind enough to share with the rest of his fellow founding brethren.

Naturally, Santorum defended his comments at a rally in Phoenix, saying that unlike his Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, it's "absurd" they resurfaced in the first place.

“It's a joke, it's absurd," he said. "I‘m a person of faith. I believe in good and evil. I think if somehow or another because you’re a person of faith you believe in good and evil is a disqualifier for president, we’re going to have a very small pool of candidates who can run for president."

Don't be ridiculous, Rick! You and your freaky, sex-hating, loin-burning, misogynistic Christian lunatics are more than welcome to run for president. It's just the winning part that's off-limits.

"Our president refuses to call evil – evil. He refuses to even name it, refuses to confront it. He tries to appease and cajole it in an effort to reduce America's commitments around the world - that if we just have paper or if we just try to make nice with those who are actively doing harm to America and its allies, that somehow or another that threat will go away or be ameliorated."

"And what we have found is that is simply, from history, it doesn't work."

Sort of like whatever Rick's got "burning" down there.

With polls showing Romney and Santorum in a statistical dead heat and primaries looming in both Arizona and Michigan, Rick appealed to the audience about the importance of the upcoming contests.

"You are going to have a huge impact," he said. "Everybody is focused in on Super Tuesday. But more than anything else, what happens in Michigan and Arizona next week is going to have the biggest impact on Super Tuesday and this election than any two states."

Well, other than his favorite states, denial and suppression.

Let's just hope Santorum doesn't blow his load first. Err, lead, I meant lead!!

After all, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. If it wasn't for that damn trail of Santorum left behind!

[image via AP]

New Jersey Just Says No to Gays, Yes to Purple Haze

Ay, New Jersey, you make us so proud (not the queer kind obvs!). It's always nice to see the land that originated electric-beach bronzed men with greasy hair and muscles bulging from skin-tight wife-beaters is keeping its priorities "straight."

Priorities like keeping those pesky hetero wannabees away from the alter and the sweet ganja a comin' in the ol' Garden State of opposite sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.

You see, here in New Jersey, life is more than just Tony Soprano and the class and glamor that is Jersey Shore. In fact, the fine folks of Jersey believe some things in life are sacred. Like the government telling you who you can (straights) and can't marry (gays) and what kind of plants you can (weed) or can't smoke (opium).

Because New Jersey understands a few things when it comes to human decency and compassion. Like how it's only okay to discriminate against people for being gay, not for being sick.

Which is why the fine lawmakers in the Garden State have decided to protect the sanctity of marriage by prohibiting those ghastly gays from having any part in the blessed union of one piece of Jersey trash to another opposite sex piece of Jersey trash like God intended. Bada-bing!

But if you're chronically ill (ha ha chronic), you can take a puff puff of the sweet sticky icky without feeling like a no-good dirty criminal thanks to the New Jersey Legislature's measure to legalize the use of marijuana to help patients with severe illnesses like cancer, AIDS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, muscular dystrophy and multiple sclerosis.

"I'm in heaven," Nancy Fedder, a 62-year-old multiple sclerosis sufferer, said after the Senate vote. "It means I am no longer a criminal in the state of New Jersey."

Just don't do anything crazy like trying to marry Barbara, or it's back to the parole board for you Nancy!

Democratic Assemblyman Reed Gusciora, a co-sponsor of the bill who pushed for it for years, said medical marijuana can alleviate suffering and there's no evidence it increases overall drug use.

"I don't think we should make criminals out of our very sick and terminally ill," he said.

That's reserved for homos, thank you very much.

"It’s nice to finally see a day when democracy helps heal people," said Charles Kwiatkowski, 38, one of dozens of patients who rallied at the State House in support of the measure. "The M.S. Society has shown that this drug will help slow the progression of my disease. Why would I want to use anything else?"

I don't know, maybe 'cause you're gay?

"I truly believe this will become a model for other states because it balances the compassionate use of medical marijuana while limiting the number of ailments that a physician can prescribe it for," Mr. Gusciora said.

Sorry, as of now, being gay does not qualify as a disease. But rest assured, they're working on it!

Scott Ward, 26, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, said he had been prescribed marijuana to alleviate leg cramps so severe that they often felt "like my muscles are tearing apart."

"Now, I can do normal things like take a walk and walk the dog.” Not freak things like gay marry the person you love. Fuggedaboutit!

What are you high or something??

Imagine How Much Frankincense $787 Billion Could Buy!

Opponents of Barack Obama's $787 billion stimulus bill are looking to none other than El Savior Jesus Christ to show America the true evils of pork-filled legislation.

Now, the same conservative group that showed us the truth about Barack Hussein Obama and his terrorist pal Bill Ayers, is taking on the newest apocalypse of doom, liberal congress's billion dollar baby. And it's putting it in proper biblical proportions.

If Jesus wasn't enough to prove the unholy nature of the spendulus bill, the ad goes even further. Using a clip of liberal, pork-loving Satan Sen. Chuck Schumer, a New York Democrat to terrify the public. *Shudder.*

“Let me say this, to all of the chattering class that so much focuses on those little tiny, yes, porky amendments. The American people really don’t care.”

Wrong again, Mr. Senator. If the American people didn't care about porky things, would SPAM really be that popular?

I think not.