Monday, August 16, 2010

Much Like Jesus, Levi Johnston's Higher Calling Consists Of Running For Political Office, Fully Clothed, On Reality TV

OMG America! Now that Levi and Bristol's heart-warming, 15 minute simultaneous engagement/un-engagement on the cover of tween tabloid US Weekly is officially over (or at least for the next few days), America has been waiting breathlessly for something, anything to keep us going without our two favoritest dysfunctional Arctic lovebirds by our side to keep us feelin' all nice 'n toasty numb & hypothermic inside.

Chilling isn't it?

But now that Levi's latest gig sledding to the altar with that one Bristol chick he knocked up back in Wasilla (not to be confused with a couple others dotted 'cross the frosty frontier) with the crazy, awful mother who was also a famous leader of the same terrible abandoned meth lab city is no more, how else will this still-inexplicably likable, fertile teenage fame-whore continue making moose piles of money off the gut-wrenching tale of this one terrible Alaskan family he's always blabbing 'bout, then apologizin' to on teevee and in magazines every other day?

Why, by following in the very footsteps as a certain go-gettin' mother-in-law, and running for mayor of the same awful town that foisted the wretched woman upon the rest of the world in the first place, of course!


After all, something needs to keep this boy in the spotlight, or before we know it, it will be back to turning tricks with his Johnson in Playgirl for Levi.

And if some people in charge of a television network happened to want to follow Mr. Johnston around with cameras and grips, while he embarked upon his likely long, fruitful political career, and also give him and his bodyguard manager "Tank" Jones a bunch of money for their services, well then who is Levi to stop them? It would be un-American!

Just look what the #1 magazine for Alaskan city politics, Variety had to say about Levi and his totally genuine reality TV mayoral run that has nothing to do with getting even with Sarah or Bristy or anything like that.
VARIETY: Where did the idea for this show come from? What's it going to look like?

LEVI JOHNSTON: Obviously running for mayor is the big part of the show. A little bit of that I’m going to have my boys, I’ll have my life in Hollywood, I’ll be back in Alaska. It’s hard to figure me out. You’ve got to follow me around. I’m very different. I live a crazy life. Basically it will be both worlds. My life in Hollywood and back home, the real country boy that I am.

VARIETY: What happens if you actually get elected?

JOHNSTON: Then I’m the new mayor. I will serve, the whole thing.

VARIETY: What did you think of this idea of running for mayor?

JOHNSTON: The first time I heard it, I got to be honest, I wasn’t thrilled about it. The thought never crossed my mind. But the more I think about it and look into it, I think there is a possibility we can make this happen. It’s something I want to do.

VARIETY: Do you have any ideas on what can make Wasilla a better place?

JOHNSTON: That’s for the show.

VARIETY: That mayoral position in Wasilla can be a launching pad for a bigger career in politics, as a certain former mayor has shown. Do you harbor further political aspirations?

TANK JONES: We’re going to go for governor after mayor. I’m the campaign manager. If we successfully do the mayor thing, we’re going to do the governorship. We’re not trying to copy anybody, but we feel he can better serve these two positions that have been so light for so long. He’s going to come in and try to help the people.

VARIETY: Levi, what do you think the reaction is going to be from the Palin camp when they hear that you’re running for political office?


VARIETY: There’s been a lot of talk about you pursuing different reality projects. What’s your reason for doing a reality show?

JOHNSTON: I just think it’s going to be a lot of fun. I’ve watched a lot of different reality TV and this is totally different. No reality show like this has been done like this. I want people to get to know who I really am. I’m just trying to send a message to America about who I really am and what I want to do with my life.

VARIETY: Who are you then?

JOHNSTON: Half redneck, half Hollywood.
Asked whether he believed people would take Johnston's run for office seriously, with TV cameras rolling, Jones said, "People questioned Jesus Christ, so I definitely don't care about these mere mortals questioning Levi Johnston...People can question whatever they want. I mean, he’s going to keep on doing his thing,” he said. “He was going to do this, even if this wasn’t a reality show.”

When God asked Jesus to be a bright shining, crucified star, he never asked why did he?? No, he did not, he took his frankincense and myrrh, and gratefully went on his divine, martyrdom way.

But what does the current mayor of the abandoned used car factory Wasilla think about Levi's desire to run, all because this other idiot who also happens to be his bastard son's sketchy ol' granny did it this one time?
Mayor Verne E. Rupright tells Entertainment Tonight, “Well, it is a little early to declare. Usually most wait until the year the seat is up. But since I am nearly old enough to be Levi’s grandfather I think it would be wise for him to get a high school diploma and keep his clothes on. The voters like that!”
What are you special needs or something?? Need I remind you that in Wasilla "being nearly old enough" to be somebody's grandfather is when you're approximately 25 years old, just completed your GED, and/or 10th tattoo (whatever comes first), and have at least two children (that you know of) with two different teenage mothers.

Plus, it really helps if you're only interested in running an actual frozen town in the middle of nowhere when the lights are on, the camera is rolling, and your once-lucrative job announcing your engagement and un-engagement and re-engagement and re-re-engagement on trashy tabloid covers just ain't what it used to be.

Hell, even Jesus Christ knew when it was time to walk away, and he didn't have God, or the voices in Sarah Palin's head, or even Tank Jones to guide him.

A truer self-made man(whore) livin' the American dream scheme, there never was!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It would appear you've got a thing, no scratch that, obsession, with the Palin family. Everyone knows that Sarah, the object of way too much of your exposition, is a bloody moron. Balance your content just a little bit and your blog stands a much greater chance of being well received. Just a suggestion :-}