Pete Hoekstra's Racist, Lie-Filled Ad Shows How To Lose An Election & Alienate Voters In 30 Seconds Or Less

Now, normally when a smug, disingenuous politician, like say, Rep. Pete Hoekstra of Michigan, releases a totally offensive, cartoonishly racist ad featuring an Asian lady riding a bicycle through Asian rice paddies and taunting Michiganers about how lazy and unemployed they are through stereotypical broken English, their popularity increases exponentially, usually as a misguided populist (i.e. Teabagger) backlash to the lamestream media shouting "racist" and "completely offensive."

This is how politics tend to work in America, or at least ever since that half-black secret Muslim terrorist Socialist won (stole?) the White House and racism vanished completely by hiding beneath colonial wigs, Jesus Saves t-shirts, and obese white men and women wearing tea bags on their heads and shrieking about taking their country back from some mysterious dark force with a charming smile, sensible ideas and weird, Muslim-y sounding name.

But then something strange and wonderful happened. Instead of propelling Pete Hoekstra to the top and all but securing a Republican victory, his terrible ad backfired, causing his poll numbers to plummet and reminding everyone why, for whatever reason— karma? — a dumb, lying, racist ad fails to win the hearts and minds of anyone.

What’s interesting is that Stabenow’s approval numbers have barely budged at all over the last 6 months. Over the summer we found her at 46/40, and now she’s at 47/41. But Hoekstra’s numbers have taken a turn for the worst. In July his favorability was narrowly positive at 31/30. Now he’s dropped a net 11 points to a -10 spread at 28/38. There hasn’t been a big shift in his numbers with Democrats or Republicans but with independents his numbers have flipped from +10 (33/23) to -10 (29/39).

Hoekstra appears to have been damaged by his controversial Super Bowl ad. 54% of voters in the state were familiar with it, and within that group 45% said it made them less likely to vote for him compared to only 16% who considered it a positive and 37% who said it didn’t make a difference to them either way. Independents said they were turned off by it and he’s gone from leading with them by 6 points in July to now trailing by 4 points.

Perhaps some good advice for Pete "SpendItNot" Hoekstra is the next time you pretty much have the Republican nomination wrapped up and think to run a buffoonish race-baiting ad during the Super Bowl, ask yourself am I trying to alienate everyone who doesn't wear white robes and cone-shaped hoods over their heads? If the answer is no, then it's probably best to ShowItNot.

Unless, of couse you're LINsane!

Otherwise, you pay heavy plice, Conglessman Holkstlah! No Happy Ending for you!

Guess that's just the way the (fortune) cookie crumbles.

[image via Wonkette]

Yay! Michigan Republicans Bravely Solve Budget Deficit By Forcing Foster Kids To Wear Thrift Store Clothes Like The Poor, Parentless Schlubs They Are

Much like fellow brokeass Midwestern hell-state being destroyed by a psycho Republican governor with a deep-seated hatred of poor people, Wisconsin, Michigan too is facing a serious budget crisis with a deficit of $1.4 billion, largely thanks to those greedy, money-grubbing teachers and plumbers unions always demandin' fair wages and basic health coverage.

And much like you would expect from a newly elected CEO-turned-Grand-Old-Protector of rich, white people, Michigan head honcho Slick Rick Snyder naturally decided to fix this fiscal problem by giving businesses and mega corporations $1.8 billion in tax cuts, because in Republican fantasy land, the best way to get rid of ballooning, out-of-control deficits is to promptly double it.

But how on God's no-longer green Earth can adding to the already monstrous deficit actually end up reducing it, you ask? Hello?? Ever hear of a little contingency plan, a secret ace-up-your-sleeve called "foster kids?" You know those raggedy, starving, orphan fat cats who get their kicks seeking shelter under the abandoned bridge downtown and hoping that maybe someday somebody will love them.

Ha, well somebody better tell li'l orphan Annie the free ride is over because Daddy Warbucks' bank account has just dried up! No more will the state of Michigan be forking over some measly stipend so these spoiled parentless children have actual clothes, not rags, to wear to school!

Instead, Republican lawmakers have come up with a brilliant plan to fix the new business tax cuts cost on the (bruised, broken, no longer clothed) backs of foster kids who will now be forced to buy their school year duds at thrift stores, not fancy shmancy elitist stores like Walmart.

Who cares if the Republican's plan doesn't save the economically-strapped Michigan a single dime? Serves those pesky orphans right always expecting Uncle Sam to step up and save them from dying in gutters all because they chose to not have parents, like normal, house-dwelling peers.

A small part of the DHS savings, about $200,000, would come from adjustments to the clothing allowance for foster children, or children of the working poor, of $79 for school clothes. Michigan state Sen. Bruce Caswell said children will still get close to that $79, but would be issued gift cards that can only be used at the Salvation Army, Goodwill or other thrift stores.

"Close to," meaning "less" presumably because seriously, how much pampering does one pitiful, poor little orphan child need? For all we know, these pint-sized freeloaders crawled onto a random doorstep as babies, or tricked their parents into dying in tragic house fires or 15-car pile-ups, specifically so they could get on the government dole.

Besides, as state Sen. Caswell told reporters, there's nothing wrong with wearing old clothes.

"I never had anything new," he said. "I got all the hand-me-downs. And my dad, he did a lot of shopping at the Salvation Army, and his comment was -- and quite frankly it's true -- once you're out of the store and you walk down the street, nobody knows where you bought your clothes."

Or if they were even bought at all, instead of swiped on some pre-paid government-subsidized card for wretched welfare children relying on public assistance to meet their basic needs.

But on the bright side, if people did know where their clothes were brought, it would probably further humiliate foster children, which would maybe lead to more of these riff-raffs finally offing themselves, which at the very least, would save the state even more nickels and dimes.

And since foster kids can’t vote, at least while their all gross and kid like, and nobody really cares about them that much (once they're out of the womb, that is), they have absolutely no political power anyway.

The real question then becomes why the hell weren't Republicans making cuts to foster kids before? Think about it, people!

Not only would America be free of these parasite orphans, who next to teachers and firemen, are clearly societies biggest money-sucking leeches, but it is also the single best way ever to hand Big Business money, instead of wasting precious resources giving hand outs to starving street children, otherwise known as Big Orphan, Inc.

Although, by forcing a 6-year-old stray boy to wear a hot pink "world's best grandma" t-shirt, how will the GOP be able to distinguish the disgusting poor from an equally repulsive, unwanted, brown-skinned Mexican border jumper? Or even scarier, an out-n-proud student body president at the University of Michigan??

Creepy Stalkerish Michigan Assistant Attorney General Finally Fired From His Real Job, & Is Now Free To Pursue His Other "Job" Harassing Gay College Students

Weird, creepy former Michgian Assistant Attorney General and not-at-all-suspicious self-appointed Sheriff of Sodomite Student Assembly Presidents, Andrew Shirvell, has finally been fired by ironically named Republican state Attorney General Mike Cox (ooooh, sounds sexy!) for ummm, pretty much being a weird, creepy closet case who spends his days obsessing over the sexytime exploits of an 18-year-old University of Michigan freshman student body president on his personal blog, Chris Armstrong Watch, because (duh!) God hates all homos, particularly underage, popularly-elected collegiate ones who feel comfortable in their own, terrible gay skin.

Hooray! The homosexual agenda lives!

But what the dickens changed Attorney General Mike Cox's mind that Shirvell's "extracurricular" activities 'round-the-clock harassing some college kid for both being a terrible gay and in the student government was less your everyday, ho hum exercising of First Amendment rights, and more the pathetic, borderline deranged  rantings of a self-loathing nutjob, more than likely grappling with his own deeply repressed, deviant same-sex demons?

“To be clear, I refuse to fire anyone for exercising their First Amendment rights, regardless of how popular or unpopular their positions might be," Cox said. "However, Shirvell repeatedly violated office policies, engaged in borderline stalking behavior, and inappropriately used state resources, our investigation showed.”

Oh yeah, like what?

• Showed up at the home of a private citizen three times, including once at 1:30 a.m. That incident is especially telling because it clearly was about harassing Armstrong, not engaging in free speech. (Since when is showing up at a stranger's house in the middle of the night to stage a one-man protest against some college kid's sinful, eternally hellfire damned sexuality not healthy & harmless free speech?).
• Further engaged in behavior that, while not perhaps sufficient to charge criminal stalking, was harassing, uninvited and showed a pattern that was in the everyday sense, stalking. (Eh, probably sufficiently criminal).
• Harassing Armstrong's friends as they were socializing in Ann Arbor. (For a good time...call Andrew?)
• Numerous calls to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's office, Armstrong's employer, in an attempt to slander Armstrong — and ultimately attempting to cause Pelosi to fire Armstrong. (Yeah! Good plan! That’s probably something the House Speaker gives an actual shit about!).
• Attempting to "out" Armstrong's friends as homosexual — several of whom were not gay. (Hopefully, not in the Shirvell "not gay" kinda way!).

Ugh,  sounds like a bunch of elitist liberal lies to me!

Cox also said Shirvell engaged in his campaign against Armstrong on company time and posted attacks on the college freshman on the Internet while at work.

“Finally, Shirvell lied to investigating assistant attorneys general on several occasions during his disciplinary hearing.”

By claiming to be sane and straight?

Okay, okay so maybe he lied a little. But, c'mon, Chris was Satan’s representative on the assembly AND A GAY NAZI for crying out loud!! Scout's honor!

I mean, the kid ALWAYS has an angry Nazi face and uniform (not to mention scary gay Nazi rainbow on his cheek) whenever Mr. Shirvell sits down to fantasize about him, naked and alone, for hours upon steamy hours in front of his computer every night. Doesn't that count for anything?

Armstrong’s attorney, Deborah Gordon, issued a statement in which she said the AG’s office made the correct decision. Gordon and Armstrong have filed complaints with the Michigan Grievance Commission, asking it to investigate Shirvell and possibly disbar him.

“The next step must be a complete retraction of all the malicious lies and fabrications by Mr. Shirvell, and a public apology to Chris Armstrong, his family and the others Mr. Shirvell has slandered.”

Okay fine, but only if Andrew gets to give him a big hug and hold him close in his arms for at least five minutes.

Gordon went on to say it’s time for Shirvell to realize there are consequences to his “reckless, outrageous statements and actions and that he is solely responsible for those consequences.”

Like say his new livelihood: Andrew Shirvell, P.I., Gay-Nazi Undergrad Investigation Unit, University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

If that doesn't work, there's always Michigan State. Something tells me ol' Andrew will find stalking Spartans even more rewarding than stalking Wolverines. Call it a hunch. They're fit, strong, sexy, look hot as hell in spandex, and they don't come with all that unsightly hair. Rumor has it they even exercise in the buff, too!

Plus, I hear they're even in the hunt for a new men's wrestling coach!

Which sure beats his other option as the 100% Heterosexual Minneapolis Airport men's room concierge, personal bathroom stall attendant, and knob polisher extraordinaire, now that Larry Craig has officially retired from duty.

But be forewarned, those sure are some wide (stance) shoes to fill!

Creepy Stalkerish Michigan Assistant Attorney General Finally Takes Leave Of Absence...From Harassing Gay College Students

Hooray! The radical GAY Nazi student cabal wins again! Deviant homosexuals across the nation have earned the right to openly serve as college student body presidents without constant harassment by some creepy, nutjob Assistant Attorney General who has an unhealthy, not-in-the-least-bit suspicious obsession with an 18-year-old University of Michigan freshman all for having the sheer audacity to actually feel comfortable in his own terrible, gay skin.

But alas, it appears Michigan Assistant Attorney General and U of M alum, Andrew Shirvell’s insane, six-month stint moonlighting as the demented, creepy author of the (now private) blog, Christ Armstrong Watch, dedicated 24/7 to bullying and borderline stalking University of Michigan student president Chris Armstrong for his "radical agenda" presiding over Michigan's student body (as an openly gay man, gasp!) and teaching fellow classmates that being gay is nothing to be ashamed of and certainly no reason to fling yourself off of the George Washington bridge, is thankfully over. For now.

After a media firestorm over Shirvell's insane blog posts and one-man crusade to rid the Ann Arbor campus of any and all deviant homosinuality, particularly those of a certain elected loud 'n proud student body president, the Assistant Attorney General and clearly very mentally stable civil servant will now take a leave of absence and likely face a disciplinary hearing when he returns to work. This is good news!

For once, it seems the media's uproar actually had a positive result, instead of the usual heated debate whether Sarah Palin indeed got booed on the set of Dancing with the Stars, which as you know is probably the single most important philosophical question of the ages.

Just the other day Shirvell’s boss, Attorney General Mike Cox, went on Anderson Cooper’s show to defend his total negligence lack of action on his deranged Assistant Attorney, Shirvell, because of a little thing called the 1st Amendment, duh!

Apparently, this wonderful constitutional amendment exists to protect the rights of crazed homophobic madmen only, certainly not some radical, hell-bound student sodomite. This is Christian America, for Pete's sake, not some hippie-dippie, feel good, Kumbaya alternative camp for troubled queer youth in Socialist Europe or something!

"He does satisfactory work and, off hours, he’s free to engage under both our civil service rules, Michigan Supreme Court rulings and the United States Supreme Court rule,” Attorney General Mike Cox said on CNN.

Cox did, however, call Shirvell’s actions “offensive.” “He’s clearly a bully. Absolutely. And is he using the Internet to be a bully? Yes,” Cox said. “But is that protected under the First Amendment of the United States Constitution? Yes."

"We have this thing called the First Amendment, which allows people to express what they think."

Including the psychotic, possibly criminal rantings of a prematurely balding mid-level state government functionary, with an everyday, run-of-the-mill, totally normal OBSESSION with some gay college kid (nothing weird there!), who according to his now-defunct Facebook page, is absolutely 100 percent heterosexual, as is evidenced by the photo of him making physical contact with an actual, real live human female!

So umm, go Andrew Shirvell?? Not only is he 100 percent, without-a-doubt straight, he's now absolutely 100 percent straight out of a job, too!

Everyone wins!

But please, feel free to keep it up Andrew! Cause who knows, maybe if you keep trying your very hardest, you will actually do something to get yourself arrested and then you can spend many a hot sexy night surrounded by ripped, sweaty men just dyiiiiiiiing to have their sinful, sodomizing way with you.

Just like you always dreamed blogged it would be!