The Comically Screwed State Of Politics, In Small, Easy-To-Swallow Bites.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Unlike Fat Cat Republicans, Working MaSTIFF Barack Obama Is Blue Collar Man's Best Friend
Well, well looky who finally got all fired, err make that all "wee-wee'd up" during a Labor Day speech in Milwaukee, when our suddenly No-More-Mr.-Nice-Guy-President unveiled a $50 billion long-term jobs program, as well as some good, old fashioned, pent-up rage at the Republican Party, who have spent the better part of the last, oh, year and a half telling that no-good bastard NObama exactly where he can stick his stupid stimulus, along with any and every other smart, sensible policy he's conjured up in his vast Socialist plot to save the country from total economical disaster, courtesy of the last Grand Old Patriot we had in office. Probably the same place he pulled that ridiculous "live certificate of birth" out of?
So in honor of this Labor Day holiday when all the nation celebrates the American Worker, Obama rolled up his hard workin' sleeves, unbuttoned his (blue) collar and proved to the world that he too is a poor, hardworking schlub just like the rest of us miserable 9-5 normal workers.
But first, El President had some off-the-teleprompter words for the special interest groups in Washington working hard to derail his agenda, with no regard for the consequences or the effects on the American people, who, as the relaxed button down and casual cotton dockers prove, Obama is clearly one of.
"Some powerful interests who had been dominating the agenda in Washington for a very long time. And they're not always happy with me. They talk about me like a dog," he said, to cheers. "That's not in my prepared remarks, but it's true."
But what does "talk about me like a dog" really mean? They compliment him on his full, shiny coat? Complain about his dirty paws tracking mud all over the house? Laugh at how his tag wails furiously every time Sasha and Malia's school bus pulls up or the postman rings the doorbell?
Could be any number of things! But, still not a bad call Obama. Everyone loves dogs. Plus, a lot of normal Americans have 'em, so they can definitely relate.
But, then BaRUFF Obama, the lovable mutt, took off the muzzle, bared his fangs, and went from American Water Spaniel to African wild dog, unleashing the full wrath of his middle-class, blue collar rage on the Grand Ol' "Party of No," complete with folksy put-downs like, "If I said the sky was blue, they'd say no," and "If I said fish live in the sea, they'd say no."
Yes They Will! Yes They Will!
“These are the folks whose policies helped devastate our middle class and drive our economy into a ditch. And now they're asking you for the keys back,” said Obama of the coming midterm elections. “They think it's better to score political points before an election than actually solve problems."
Err, except that one (half black) problem currently contaminating the once-pure White House! But in the GOP's defense, the last designated driver was sort of drunk when he was behind the wheel, so you know that could help explain the whole driving the country into a ditch thing.
"That philosophy didn't work out so well for middle-class families all across America," Obama said. "It didn't work out so well for our country. All it did was rack up record deficits and result in the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression."
Which Gramps McCain will tell ya, was certainly no picnic in the park with your prepubescent sweetheart, or even an extended stay in a Hanoi prison after crashing your plane deep in enemy territory, for that matter!
Then Obama really laid into glowing orange Republican House Minority Leader and Congresses sole Oompa Loompa, John Boehner, as "The Republican who thinks he's going to take over as speaker"—for his opposition to a plan that would keep government employees for being laid off:
"We're sweating and these guys were watching us and sipping on a Slurpee."
Oooh, good one Barry! Real American workers loooooove all references to frozen confection beverages and also all things relating to animated teevee shows like the Simpsons!
Acknowledging that the past eight months of modest private-sector job growth hasn't been enough to bring down the unemployment rate, Obama vowed to "keep fighting, every single day, every single hour, every single minute to turn this economy around."
Good, 'cause nothin' says 'Real American' like a good, old-fashioned slug fest, 'especially if it involves a sweaty, juiced up guido sucker punching an orange midget with equally bulging breasts in the face during a raucous night of bar-hopping on the Jersey Shore.
Saying economic problems facing families today are "more serious than ever," Obama asked the American people for patience, which, much like taxes and gubmint handouts, is something they don't much like to give.
"Now here's the honest truth, the plain truth. There's no silver bullet, there's no quick fix to these problems."
Arrrrrghhh! Hint to Obama: Much like their get-rich-schemes and ice cold cans of Coors, Americans like their fixes quick and bullet-like!
But nooooo! Obama had to be all honest about how rebuilding the American middle class on stronger foundations, like better education, has required "taking on some powerful interests" and that it will take time to "reverse the damage of a decade worth of policies" that caused the recession.
"That's why we passed financial reform. To provide new accountability and tough oversight of Wall Street."
"To those who may still run for office planning to privatize Social Security, let me be clear: as long as I'm President, I'll fight every effort to take the retirement savings of a generation of Americans and hand it over to Wall Street. Not on my watch."
Make that his old-fashioned pocket watch which his great grandfather gave to his grandfather who gave it to his father who gave it to him who he will give to his grandchild, just like folksy middle class 'mericans and Presidential O-dogs do.
After all, dogs are a man's best friend.
Unlike those clawing, hissing, selfish Grand Old Pussycats who would never, ever let some disgusting foreign(?) mutt regulate their precious Wall Street, and ruin America, on their watch.
Their platinum and gold, diamond bezel, special edition Hello Kitty watch, that is. A gift of gratitude from their very generous, very powerful, very FAT feline and carnivorous mammal friends in the Animal Kingdom.
Lyins, (Tax) Tigers, and Bear Stearns, Oh My!
Except think less LOLcats (save for the misspellt wurds!), more enraged, escaped Siberian tiger from the San Francisco Zoo who hasn't eaten in weeks.
After all, even an ol' mixed breed like Barry knows you can't spell Catastrophe without C-A-T first.
Ain't that the doggone truth?? Make no bones (or Boehners!) about it!