Thursday, September 9, 2010

Shana Tova U' Betcha! Sarah Palin 's Facebook Wishes Y'all A Happy Jew Year!

Oy Vey!

As Jews across America and the world get ready to celebrate Rosh Hashanah and usher in the Jewish New Year, the Chosen Ones were greeted with a heartfelt message from none other than the Frozen One, Sarah Palin, who took to her personal Bimah, the social networking site for Tweens known as Facebook, to connect with her throngs handful of loyal Jewish(?) followers who have inexplicably succumbed to this false idol and also happen to have the last name Cohen or Goldberg.

Hooray!

But what rambling, incoherent ghostwritten Facebook message did Sarah not come up with this time? Will it be full of nonsensical run-ons, inverted syntax, and/or grammatically incorrect gibberish per usual? Or since everyone knows the Jews tend to be smart, intellectual people who typically don't appreciate the sad, pathetic prose of special needs snowdrifters, what magical, blessed, non-Jeebus words will Her Arctic Highness come up with on this second holiest of High Holidays?

Will it be full of good (Apples 'n Honey) cheer, Jew-y humor, and Yahweh-willing, chock full o' clich├ęs about how Israel is the bestest, greatest, most freedom lovingest country in the world (after America of course!), and as such, Her evil Muslim enemies are our evil Muslim enemies too? Ooooh, you betcha!
"As Jewish families gather to celebrate the New Year and a new beginning marking the Day of Creation, I want to join them in praying for a good and sweet year ahead. This day marks the beginning of a period of reflection and repentance. It is a time to remember our responsibilities to our families, our communities, our country, and our world."
But remember Heebs, eat up now and don't forget to save some Jew-y repentance and suffering for the next even holier holiday, Yom Kippur, capisce? Oh what, are Jews too busy snipping off the penises of infant boys to learn fun Italian words, either?
"This is also a time to remember who we are as Americans and our responsibilities to help our friends and allies as they seek peace and security. The people of Israel have overcome so many challenges, taken so many risks, and made so many sacrifices in the pursuit of peace and a better life for their children. This New Year begins with a new hope for peace, but the threats to Israel – and to us – have not gone away."
Or at least since I first heard of that magical, dragon-filled land called Honah Lee, wait, or was it Galilee, when Gramps McCain and Co. taught me all about this whole wide world, outside of the frozen meth lab of Wasilla, filled with exotic wonders like people who wear beanies on their head, pray to a Wall that Weeps, and don't even eat freshly shot mammals unless they follow some weird 'dietary guidelines' like split hooves. Hahahaha, weirdo Yids! But contrary to popular opinion, they don't have horns...I know, I know, I totally thought so too!
"These are challenging times as Iran continues to work on building a nuclear weapon, Hamas attacks innocents on the eve of peace talks, enemies refuse to recognize Israel’s right to exist, and even in Europe and the United States we hear voices from those trying to delegitimize Israel."
Or, thanks to moi, those who simply use Facebook to delegitimize it!
"To our Jewish friends and neighbors on this Rosh Hashanah, may you be inscribed in the Book of Life. And for our friends in Israel, know that the American people will continue to stand with you in this New Year as you strive for peace and security."
You may now be seated!
Shanah tovah u'metukah. - Sarah Palin
OMG, someone get the Holy Father, she's speaking in tongues! The no-good Jews must have cast a spell on her!

PS: We forgive you for murdering Jesus!

But what do Sarah Palin's true, Jesus-blessed, not eternally-damned, Christian brothers and sisters think about all this hopey-changey Star of David hullabaloo? Seems non-controversial enough for the heat-packing Born-Agains and pro-life FemiNazis that comprise Sarah’s audience...or does it?


Stone cold mackerel snappin'

Well, well what do we have here? Looks like someone (hint: Mary Sheridan Faubion-Arling) has mistaken our lovely SarBear as another God-forsaken Jew type, too busy braiding challah to remember "Mother of God, Mary's birthday!" like some common heretic.

Well excuuuuuse her, if she is too busy "sewing holes in America's knees" to celebrate every obscure Judeo-Christian celebration on the face of the Earth. I mean what's next, asking her to wish gross Muslims a Happy Ramadan? Ugh, as if!

Besides, sewing holes for 500 million pant legs isn't exactly a relaxing sleigh ride through the neighborhood with Todd, now is it? Though with a little help from the whole gang (we're looking at you, Trigger!), that shouldn't take too long.

Of course, that does beg the question: What the heck is America doing on its knees so much that there are holes in them? Praying, we assume??

But alas, that is a question for another time, Sar's got to go check on her special Rosh Hashanah moose casserole (she wasn't sure if Mama Grizzly falls under the whole Kosher thing), so she just went with a traditional, delicious sauce made from the tears of Jesus and blood of Christian children, instead!

Besides, even when it comes to St. Sarah of the Snowy North, apparently, there is still such a thing as too much of a good thing, and it's not even coming from the elitist Jew-run media this time.

Let's not forget what McCain economic advisor Doug Holtz-Eakin warned the nation today about Sarah Palin being like the finest cocaine, and as such, how it is very difficult, impossible even, for us to stop putting her powdery white goodness up our collective, metaphorical noses. Err, in honor of her newest friends, the Jews, shall we say, our collective schnozzes?

But seriously, if we're talking about Sarah Palin, wouldn't the correct drug metaphor be crystal meth?

Besides, forget the usual preparation of boiling Sarah, evaporating her, grinding her powdery residue, and then sniffing her delicious snowflake like remains for the desired high.

For the full effect, you gotta straight up SHOOT the flake, snowball style!

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