This Nice North Carolina Man, Bill, Isn't A Racist, He Simply Doesn't Care For All Them Black Folk

Oh no! This poor, hardworking, decent, REAL AMERICAN from good ol' North Carolina, Bill, simply does not understand why every single negro man, women, and child living off in these great United States insists on calling C-SPAN, round-the-clock to demand welfare, health care, free government funded abortions, reparations for those few years of slightly rough labor, or just rave about that Black Jesus they loooooove talking about so much, Barack Hussein Obama.

It's not that Hill Billy over here hates dem blacks or anything, I mean he does own a colored TV and drive a black (gasp!) pickup truck for Christ's sake, it's just that he wishes they would all just go somewhere far, far away (back to Africa?) and be done with the whole livin' in "America" thing already.

CALLER: "Yeah, I'd like to make a little respectful criticism here about C-SPAN. Umm, the last two guys I know were white guys (phew!) but you have black folks calling in on the Republican line, independents, and you have so many of them I can't believe this is just an accident. If you keep on with the way you've been programming, you should change your name from C-SPAN to Black-SPAN."

"I mean I know they have an opinion (or at least 3/5ths of one), but I wish that they would be honest and call in on the right line (ya know, one that's separate but equal). Every one of them thinks Obama is Jesus Christ and they don't like when everybody criticizes him. Well, I didn't hear all this umm...uh...eh...ummm anger when George Bush was in. I mean all they did was criticize George Bush. Every day, you'd hear 'he lied, he lied!'...All this stuff and I don't know how so many of these folks, if they're ten percent or 12 percent of the population, seems to be 80 percent of your callers."

Between the blacks and the homos breathing too much of our good, clean, real American air, it's like there's no place left for a pure-bred White man to even inhale and exhale anymore without being contaminated by gross minority-saturated particles.

'Cept of course at the nearest Teabagger rally, the last black-'n-queer free haven left.

"Now I don't know what you can do about it (lynch 'em?), but I'm just about ready and I think a lot of other Republicans and Conservatives are just about ready to just go somewhere else."

It's called a time warp back to a kinder, gentler time when the white man was safe.

Ya know, the good ol' days when the Coloreds knew their proper place (in the cotton fields or on the floor, scrubbin' the white man's shoes to a glistening spit-shine), and were only seen not heard, 'cept for the occasional yelp when gettin' a whippin' by the master for lookin' the decent, pure, white womenfolk in the eye.

WWJD? Probably Not Talk About Himself So Damn Much

Contrary to popular belief, Barack Hussein Obama is not a secret Muslim terrorist but a closet Jesus freak. He loves the son of God more than anyone, including the #1 undisputed king of Christianity George W. Bush.

In his first five months as president of the world, Barack Obama has already mentioned El Savior about a million times--and that's way more than Mr. Born Again Bush ever did.

Trust me. Obama's dropped the J bomb more times than Dubya dropped smart bombs on the Mideast. Whether he's talking about abortion, the Middle East, the economy, college graduations or any other issue that involves a crowd and TV crews, President Barack Obama finds some way to emphasize his deep love of Jesus Christ, his lord and savior.

Which is a sharp departure from Bush, who despite being hand-selected by God himself to be Commander-in-Chief, never talked openly about his faith. He just gave subtle hints.

Like the day of his second inauguration as governor of Texas, when he proclaimed, “I believe that God wants me to be president.” Or when he declared in a presidential debate while governor of Texas that the philosopher he most identified with was Jesus.

And of course there was the time Bush was asked whether he’d talked to his father, the 85-year-old-and-still-skydivingformer President George H.W. Bush, about the decision to invade Iraq and responded by saying, “There is a higher father that I appeal to.”

But these two devout believers have very different reasons for wearing their faith on their sleeves.

For Obama, all this Godspeak offers the man a chance to connect with the 83 percent of Americans who believe in God. Plus, by constantly throwing out some Christian love, Obama is also hoping to convince the 11 percent of Americans who still believe that he is in fact a closet Muslim.

But some like disgruntled former Bush staffer David Kuo worry that all this unprotected sex between politics and religion could spell trouble.

“When God becomes identified with a political agenda, God gets screwed.”

True. But maybe this time around, America won't.

Lady Killer Silvio Berlusconi Charms Italy's Female Law Enforcers

Ladies and gentleman, it's Silvio Berlusconi, Prime Minister and third richest man in Italy!

He's apparently also quite the joker (which explains why Bush and him were such fast friends). It also explains why the hell the second longest-serving PM in Italian history's logical reaction to seeing a policewoman minding her own business writing parking tickets is mount her from behind and pretend to hump the poor woman.

Oh Silvio, Silvio! Didn't George teach you anything? Back rubs, shoulder massages--ladies love 'em. Getting rammed from behind, eh not so much.