Well, Well Look What The Cat Dragged In...

Former President turned exiled monk George W. Bush broke his vow of silence by giving a speech promising not to directly criticize the new president before proceeding to bash the hell out of the man's dumbass policies.

You see, Dubya is confident his administration's policies of war, torture, bankruptcy, and blind self-interest are responsible for the current wave of prosperity and joy the country is riding high upon.

So without tooting his horn too much, George thinks it would be wise to heed his advice and not let that Barry dude trick America into thinking he knows more than old Dubya about what this country needs.

And that for one does not include nationalizing the banks, auto industry, and other corporate icons of American business acumen. This is the mighty U.S. of A God Damn It not some socialist experiment in Soviet Russia.

"Government does not create wealth. The major role for the government is to create an environment where people take risks to expand the job rate in the United States."

Or in Bush's case, create an environment where predatory lenders and Wall Street fat cats take risks on subprime mortgages to expand their bank account.

If there's anything George knows, "It's going to be the private sector that leads this country out of the current economic times we're in. You can spend your money better than the government can spend your money."

Ah yes. but the question is, can you waste your money better than the government can?

"There are a lot of ways to remedy the situation without nationalizing health care. I worry about encouraging the government to replace the private sector when it comes to providing insurance for health care."

Duh. Everyone knows the private sector is perfectly capable of running industries without pesky government meddling. Just ask GM and Lehman Brothers. They'll tell you how well that worked out for them.

WWJD? Probably Not Talk About Himself So Damn Much

Contrary to popular belief, Barack Hussein Obama is not a secret Muslim terrorist but a closet Jesus freak. He loves the son of God more than anyone, including the #1 undisputed king of Christianity George W. Bush.

In his first five months as president of the world, Barack Obama has already mentioned El Savior about a million times--and that's way more than Mr. Born Again Bush ever did.

Trust me. Obama's dropped the J bomb more times than Dubya dropped smart bombs on the Mideast. Whether he's talking about abortion, the Middle East, the economy, college graduations or any other issue that involves a crowd and TV crews, President Barack Obama finds some way to emphasize his deep love of Jesus Christ, his lord and savior.

Which is a sharp departure from Bush, who despite being hand-selected by God himself to be Commander-in-Chief, never talked openly about his faith. He just gave subtle hints.

Like the day of his second inauguration as governor of Texas, when he proclaimed, “I believe that God wants me to be president.” Or when he declared in a presidential debate while governor of Texas that the philosopher he most identified with was Jesus.

And of course there was the time Bush was asked whether he’d talked to his father, the 85-year-old-and-still-skydivingformer President George H.W. Bush, about the decision to invade Iraq and responded by saying, “There is a higher father that I appeal to.”

But these two devout believers have very different reasons for wearing their faith on their sleeves.

For Obama, all this Godspeak offers the man a chance to connect with the 83 percent of Americans who believe in God. Plus, by constantly throwing out some Christian love, Obama is also hoping to convince the 11 percent of Americans who still believe that he is in fact a closet Muslim.

But some like disgruntled former Bush staffer David Kuo worry that all this unprotected sex between politics and religion could spell trouble.

“When God becomes identified with a political agenda, God gets screwed.”

True. But maybe this time around, America won't.

Bush Comes Out Of The Closet In Search Of Some Respect

Hehe, Y'all Miss Me?

Bored with life alone with Laura, Barney, and Miss Beazley in some hoity-toity Dallas suburb instead of at his Crawford Ranch where he really wanted to be, George W. Bush has decided to come out of his publicly-imposed exile and re-enter into the society he destroyed to join his old pal Dick Cheney on the nutjob media circuit tour.

Which has put the GOP in a quite a tizzy. They just don't know what to do with dear W! It was easy during his last few months in office. Hideously unpopular and quickly replacing Jimmy Carter as the nation's biggest embarrassment, Dubya at least had the common courtesy to stay out of everyone's way and amuse himself with the sweet new Xbox 360 Dick and the gang chipped in to buy him, even though it wasn't even his birthday or Christmas!

But suddenly Bush is back and the GOP finds itself facing a cold, hard truth: no matter how hard they try, they just can't quit 43.

And lord knows they've tried. During the presidential primary, the Republicans scrambled all over trying to distance themselves from the Ebola-like virus of George W. Bush, while Democrats did whatever they could to convince voters Bush and the GOP were like conjoined twins who'd die if separated.

But with Bush once again emerging out of shameful obscurity to speak at the Economic Club of Southwest Michigan and later to appear with his brother Bill Clinton at a forum in Toronto, the GOP is slowly starting to re-embrace Bush's legacy. The man himself, not so much.

So while the right resumes its love affair with Bush's effective policies of war, torture, and bankruptcy, you would think they'd show the man who started it all the respect he deserves.

But nooo, instead of thanking ol' Dubya, everywhere you look it's Dick Cheney this and Dick Cheney that.

It's enough to almost make you feel sorry for the guy. Almost. I mean what the hell does a guy need to do to get a little respect around here, anyway?