Peter King Hates Terrorism, Except When It Involves Irish People Who Love Jesus, Hate Britain, & Don't Mind Bombing Pubs Crowded With Civilians

It is no secret that Rep. Peter King of Xenophobia is no fan of that other royally-named King of Pop Michael Jackson and his perverted white gloved gyrations all over the place, thrusting his crotch every which way, titillating innocent women and children like some sicko sexual terrorist with even sicker dance moves.

But even more terrifying than Michael Jackson moonwalking over America's once-pure Christian morality, is that other creeping M-named menace to humanity: the terrible, no good Muslims!

And no one knows about The Growing Threat of Radicalized Muslims better than Long Island's own homegrown Irish Republican Army terrorist, Rep. Peter King, who as Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee, has decided to hold his own very special meetings singling out Muslim Americans for loving terrorism so much, just so he can spend endless hours telling them their religion is pure, uncivilized murder.

After all, everyone knows only Muslims kill civilians, right?

But the strange thing about King is that he used to looooooove terrorists. Not like the evil, Allah-loving, Jihad-y kind of terrorists, of course, but the good, Jesus-loving White-y kind of terrorists, like the Irish Republican Army, whose sexy slaying of civilians made him all hottttt 'n horny in the '80s.

Long before he became an outspoken voice in Congress about the threat from terrorism, he was a fervent supporter of a terrorist group, the Irish Republican Army.

"We must pledge ourselves to support those brave men and women who this very moment are carrying forth the struggle against British imperialism in the streets of Belfast and Derry," Mr. King told a pro-I.R.A. rally on Long Island, where he was serving as Nassau County comptroller, in 1982. Three years later he declared, "If civilians are killed in an attack on a military installation, it is certainly regrettable, but I will not morally blame the I.R.A. for it."

As Mr. King, a Republican, rose as a Long Island politician in the 1980s, benefiting from strong Irish-American support, the I.R.A. was carrying out a bloody campaign of bombing and sniping, targeting the British Army, Protestant paramilitaries and sometimes pubs and other civilian gathering spots. His statements, along with his close ties to key figures in the military and political wings of the I.R.A., drew the attention of British and American authorities.

The Secret Service investigated him as a "security risk" in 1984. That same year, as the Times writes, "A judge in Belfast threw him out of an I.R.A. murder trial, calling him an 'obvious collaborator.'"

Oh, what? That little thing? Like that's a big deal! Remember people, terrorism is like cholesterol. There's the good kind, European Christian Terrorism (ECT) and the bad kind, Arab Muslim Terrorism (AMT). And Peter King likes the good kind! So why don't you sue him? Besides, a little ECT is good for the heart and comes doctor recommended!

Who knows? Maybe Pete King will end up liking the so-called crazed radicals, Jihadists, and families of Muslim American 9/11 victims he marches into the committee room to testify at his AHH, SCARY MUSLIMS! hearings. Maybe he'll realize his virulent Islamaphobia is at best shamefully hypocritical, at worst dangerously naive, and that perhaps the nation would be better served not wasting taxpayer dollars holding hearings to investigate the radical Muslim bogeymen existing solely in Peter King's mind.

"What's radicalizing Muslim-Americans?"

Oooh, oooh, we can help you out with that one, Congressman King!

Drum roll, please!

Nothing is radicalizing Muslim-Americans, because Muslim-Americans aren't radicalized. Case closed. Problem solved!

So, what's radicalizing our Republicans?

Drunken Irish men armed with assault weapons? Repressed sexual desires? Unconscionable taxes on the richest 2%? A black man in the White House? Humanity's natural evolution towards progress, enlightenment, and a world where the King's Speech is an inspiring, uplifting Academy Award-winning tale about overcoming adversity, not some old white guy bashing Muslims to somehow prove he's the toughest and loves America the mostest.

Tsk, tsk. When is poor Pete gonna learn? It's survival of the fittest, not survival of the Sinn Féinest!

Barack Obama Calls Philadelphia Eagles To Congratulate Them On Michael Vick, First Dog Bo No Longer Barking To Him

Does Bo know about this?

President Barack Obama, aka Barry from the block, called up the owner of Philadelphia Eagles, Jeffrey Lurie, to thank him for giving former dog-killing star quarterback Michael Vick a second chance in the NFL, and not only because it makes Obama's beloved Chicago Bears' week 12 win over the Eagles actually look impressive. No offense Kevin Kolb.

According to Sports Illustrated's Peter King, Barack Obama had two things to discuss with Eagles owner Jeff Lurie: the redemption of Michael Vick and the alternative-energy plans Lurie unveiled this fall for Lincoln Financial Field.

"The president wanted to talk about two things, but the first was Michael,'' Lurie told me. "He said, 'So many people who serve time never get a fair second chance. He was ... passionate about it. He said it's never a level playing field for prisoners when they get out of jail. And he was happy that we did something on such a national stage that showed our faith in giving someone a second chance after such a major downfall.''

So, you're saying there's still hope for Tiger?

The aggressively conservation-minded Lurie, who believes the team can save $60 million in energy costs with the new eco-friendly renovations, told Obama he was happy to put a plan like this in place, but he wouldn't have done it unless it made some financial sense. "It's good business for us, which is the point,'' Lurie said. "We talked about policy and what he hopes can happen with alternative energy, and he raved about us being the first to put a plan like this in place.''

"He's a real football fan,'' Lurie said. "He loves his Bears. He really follows it. He knew how Michael was doing. It was really interesting to hear.''

Almost as interesting as all the crazed "Michael Vick is a serial dog murderer and reprehensible scumbag who deserves to be skinned alive, not given a second chance" outrage from furious fans.

The same furious fans, mind you, who couldn't give a flying fig about large athletic men, say, murdering actual people, or raping women, but suddenly lose their freakin' minds when it comes to murdering man's best friend, right before biting into a juicy, delicious 16oz Porterhouse.

Well, I say kudos to President Obama for congratulating a team for having the courage (balls?) to snag an electrifying, one-of-a-kind player every other team foolishly wouldn't touch with a field goal pole all out of fear of the potential pooch-related moral outrage of their fans.

Of course, it helps that Philly fans don't exactly have the same moral standards as the rest of humanity, and will not hesitate to boo Santa Claus and/or Jesus Christ if he so happened to rise from the dead and land in Lincoln Financial Field.

Despite what outraged PETA (and jealous Giants and Redskins fans might lead you to believe), President Obama is right. People who have paid their debt to society, and served their time deserve a "level playing field." And that field is a synthetic grass pro football field, where ex-felons get paid millions of dollars to throw an oval ball made of skinned pig leather or whatever, and leap onto, or avoid (depending on the position), piles of 300lb grown men in tights 16 days a year.

Sorry Bo, the long, winding road to redemption (and fantasy football championships!) is paved with second chances, Michael Vick, and the scattered remains of starved and beaten pit bull carcasses.

Constitutional-Lovin' Republicans (+Joe Lieberman) Discuss The Various Ways To Shred It...For Freedom!

Wingnuts from sea to shining sea, across this great land, are coming out in droves over the arrest of would-be Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad, each with their own unique perspective on how best to (mis)treat this awful terror suspect, and deny him his constitutional rights as a naturalized American citizen. Hooray!

But with so many congressional crazies saying so many asinine things, it's hard to decide which fair wingnut on the wall is indeed the nuttiest of them all!

Naturally, leading the chorus of shrieking weasels on the right is Arizona's own Mexican-hatin' maverick John McCain, who simply doesn't understand why we don't pick and choose which Americans deserve rights under the law.

Like which (if any!) detained suspects, especially Pakistani-born American ones, deserve to be reminded of their constitutionally-guaranteed right to remain silent.

"I think obviously that [mirandizing Shahzad] would be a serious mistake until we've—at least until we find out as much information as we have, and there are ways—legal ways—of delaying that."— Sen. John McCain (R-AZ).

Like a quick cat nap to help refresh your Alzheimer's-ravaged mind?

Of course, you might assume that someone who spent half a decade rotting away in a Vietnamese cage with no rights whatsoever in the defense of this nation and its system of justice, would have the utmost respect for the rule of law. You might also assume that said person would still have some semblance of integrity left in tact. You would, of course, be wrong on both fronts, however.

Luckily, that other shrill voice of hysteria reason, Rep. Peter King never really had any credibility to begin with, unless you consider his one-man boycott over the media's coverage of that no-good lowlife Michael Jackson's death, a sicko pervert he wouldn't even let in the same room as his child or grandchild. He doesn't care if the King of Pop moonwalked his way into it!

Well, luckily for us, Long Island's own King of Nothing, Peter King, has his own ideas about what to do with the newest scumsucker on the block, a common Muslim named Faisal Shahzad.

"I hope that [Attorney General Eric] Holder did discuss this with the intelligence community. If they believe they got enough from him, how much more should they get?"

"Did they Mirandize him? I know he's an American citizen but still." — Rep. Peter King (R-NY).

BUT STILL!! Sure he's an "American" and all, BUT STILL, does this really mean he deserves to be treated as one? Does anyone, really?

Eh, not really, according to Connecticut's favorite sniveling pariah, Joe Lieberman, whose own one-man jihad on fun and the dumb rule of law includes maybe changing the Constitution, sometimes, for some people, like those "affiliated with foreign terrorist organizations."

"I think it's time for us to look at whether we want to amend that law to apply it to American citizens who choose to become affiliated with foreign terrorist organizations, whether they should not also be deprived automatically of their citizenship, and therefore be deprived of rights that come with that citizenship when they are apprehended and charged with a terrorist act," Sen. Joe Lieberman said.

Ooooh, does this include his other terrorist affiliations, like big business and the Republican Party??

Although, we must admit, there is something incredibly tempting about the thought of Joe Lieberman no longer having the constitutional right to make the rest of us want to immediately denounce our citizenship, and hastily flee somewhere where they don't elect backstabbing traitors, moonlighting as constitutional shredders, as their esteemed representatives.

But surely somewhere in the Grand Old Party of terror-fightin' Constitutional scholars and loyal patriots of freedom and teabags, there is at least a single voice of reason, right?

"He is a citizen of the United States, so I say we uphold the laws and the Constitution on citizens. If you are a citizen, you obey the law and follow the Constitution. [Shahzad] has all the rights under the Constitution."

"We don't shred the Constitution when it is popular. We do the right thing."

And yes, apparently, there are times when that does include listening to the craziest mother of 'em all, Fox News's own blue-eyed angel of truth and tears, Glenn Lee Beck.

The now, sole voice of reason(?) left in the Republican Party.

So, God bless America? We're certainly gonna need it!

Though, I guess if things get really bad, we can just take Rush Limbaugh's advice and move to a place where silly, trivial things like the Constitution don't matter much anyway. Ya know, like Somalia or Arizona or whatever.

Look on the bright side, at least unregulated access to all of Rush's favorite narcotics will be a whole lot easier to snag!