Fear Not America, Congress To The Rescue!

"It Wasn't Me!"

Oh god. Things are so bad, we're not even sure who to blame for this whole AIG bonus bulls**t anymore.

There's the jerk-off executives whose anti-Midas touch makes anything they go near turn to s**t, no matter how many billions you keep pumping into them.

Then there's Sen. Chris Dodd whose brief amensia lifted just in time for him to remember he is in fact the douchebag responsible for that little executive bonus loophole in the stimulus. But it's really not his fault. The tough-guy Treasury officials made him do it or else Timothy Geithner was gonna smash his legs in!

Not to fear though. Congress just passed a new bill to tax those AIG bastards at 90 percent. Which should show those greedy executives who's boss!

Did you really think you could screw Congress, steal billions and get away with it, scot-free? Please, who do you think you are, the Bush administration or something?

AIG CEO Edward Liddy Or Dick Cheney?

Outbreak! Obama Hopes Republicans More Immune To Tax Evasion Super Bug

There is apparently some sort of super bug going around Washington causing those who are infected to suddenly remember the federal income taxes they forgot to pay all those years. Even odder is the fact that this mystery bug only seems to target Democratic politicians facing Senate confirmation for high-level posts in President Barack Obama's cabinet.

The first victim was of course Obama's treasury secretary nominee Timothy Geithner, whose "careless mistake" of forgetting to pay some $34,000 in back taxes almost derailed his confirmation hopes. Almost.

Luckily, Geithner's memory cleared up, and with his taxes all paid, he can assume his new job making sure other people don't make the same "honest" mistake he did.

But not before the virus infected its next victim, Health and Human Services Department nominee Tom Daschle, who is suddenly also "deeply embarrassed and disappointed" about his failure to pay more than $120,000 in taxes. Like Geithner before him, Daschle's mistakes in no way reflect upon his character or ability to do the job. Lucky for him, we have no idea what the hell that is anyway.

But just to be on the safe side, Obama has decided to reach across the aisle and nominate Republican Sen. Judd Gregg as his new Commerce Secretary. Which is probably a smart bet, since the new tax evasion bug seems to be a mostly Democratic outbreak.

Republicans, on the other hand, are usually more susceptible to the gay sex and constitution-trampling viruses, which luckily are not in peak season right now.

Hearty GOP Sen. Judd Gregg To The Rescue!?