Side Effects May Include Nausea, Irregular Heartbeat, And Sudden Loss Of Funds

How Low Can It Go?

Yeah, it's that bad.

With unemployment on the rise and blue-chip stocks selling for less than most bargain bin items at the local dollar store, the U.S. economy seems to be sinking faster than the Republican party.

Or "falling off a cliff" if you prefer billionaire investor Warren Buffet's rosy assessment of the situation.

Despite a slight bounce from big pharma's blockbuster merger between Merck & Co. and Schering-Plough, the Dow Jones Industrial Average tumbled below 7000 for the first time in 12 years, edging ever closer to the once-inconceivable 5,000 mark. That's about the point when stockbrokers start falling from buildings, in case you're confused.

So what's a (broke) nation to do? Well according to one economics expert also known as "Dr. Doom," a hell of a lot more than an $800 billion stimulus package if you ever expect to get out of this 15-month-and-counting recession.

But don't assume that just because he correctly predicted the current financial crisis, Dr. Doom will be able to convince Republicans in Congress that "tax cuts are a waste of money" and drastic action like nationalizing the banks (the dreaded "N" word, gasp!) is the best, most market-friendly way to get us out of this mess.

Even with the right moves, he admits it'll probably "get worse before it gets better." And while Dr. Doom does see "a light at the end of the tunnel," those who believe in a second half recovery this year "are delusional."

Fortunately, I think there's a solution for that.

Brazilian Stock Broker Prefers Death Over Market Reality

Don't worry, America, things have pretty much gone to hell for Brazil's stock market, too.

It's gotten so bad in fact that one distraught Brazilian trader shot himself in the chest in the middle of Sao Paulo's commodities and futures exchange pit.

Talk about a rough day at work.

Paulo Sergio Silva, 36, a trader for Brazilian banking giant Itau was so upset over Brazil's crumbling financial markets and plunging stock values that he decided to end his life right there in the crowded exchange pit, where an average of $21 billion dollars changes hands every day.

But much like the notion of the free market correcting itself, Silva's move didn't work out exactly as planned.

Silva survived his suicide attempt and is not only still broke, but now has a whole new set of problems to deal with, perhaps none bigger than the (self-inflicted) bullet that remains lodged in his chest.

And to add insult to injury, investor confidence plunged even further on the news that not only is Brazil's stock market hemorrhaging money, its most high profile traders can't even manage to kill themselves without something going wrong.

Talk about a doozie.

Mayday, Mayday!