Showing posts with label Big Business. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Big Business. Show all posts

Monday, June 1, 2009

Death Of A Salesman



Like most 101-year-olds, General Motors has been plagued by a number of health problems for the past, oh I don't know, two decades or so.

You see much like people, time is not always kind to those centenarians among us, whether human or corporate. And GM is no exception. Crippling health care costs, deteriorating vision, fuzzy memory, failing organs, creeping Alzheimer's, bullheaded stubbornness, and an absolute refusal to adapt to the times have spelled the end for the storied auto giant.

Like a gangrenous foot that's cut-off after the poison's already seeped through the bloodstream, former GM CEO Rick Wagoner's unceremonious ousting wasn't enough to beat the disease furiously ravaging through GM's veins.

Once the largest car company in the world, GM's declining health has forced the American taxpayer to become caregiver to this one-time robust and hearty emblem of American ingenuity. While most would like to stick the ailing automaker in a nursing home and scram, President Obama believes a little $30 billion open heart surgery should do the trick, minus the Pontiac, Hummer, Saab and Saturn viruses it acquired during it's more promiscuous days as a strapping young corp on the prowl.

Unfortunately, as much as everyone would love to save Grandpa GM, alas, the company just has too much debt to be given another loan. Not to mention, it's recent kidney failure prevents it from properly absorbing the greenbacks' nutrients anyway, so cash-filled IVs are probably not going to nurse the old man back to health.

“We are acting as reluctant shareholders,” Obama said, adding that the government will only step in to make decisions for the company when absolutely necessary. “What we are not doing—and what I have no interest in doing—is running GM.”

Well, well. In that case, looks like someone has just what it takes to be the new General Motors' CEO!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Side Effects May Include Nausea, Irregular Heartbeat, And Sudden Loss Of Funds


How Low Can It Go?
Yeah, it's that bad.

With unemployment on the rise and blue-chip stocks selling for less than most bargain bin items at the local dollar store, the U.S. economy seems to be sinking faster than the Republican party.

Or "falling off a cliff" if you prefer billionaire investor Warren Buffet's rosy assessment of the situation.

Despite a slight bounce from big pharma's blockbuster merger between Merck & Co. and Schering-Plough, the Dow Jones Industrial Average tumbled below 7000 for the first time in 12 years, edging ever closer to the once-inconceivable 5,000 mark. That's about the point when stockbrokers start falling from buildings, in case you're confused.

So what's a (broke) nation to do? Well according to one economics expert also known as "Dr. Doom," a hell of a lot more than an $800 billion stimulus package if you ever expect to get out of this 15-month-and-counting recession.

But don't assume that just because he correctly predicted the current financial crisis, Dr. Doom will be able to convince Republicans in Congress that "tax cuts are a waste of money" and
drastic action like nationalizing the banks (the dreaded "N" word, gasp!) is the best, most market-friendly way to get us out of this mess.

Even with the right moves, he admits it'll probably "get worse before it gets better." And while Dr. Doom does see "a light at the end of the tunnel," those who believe in a second half recovery this year "are delusional."

Fortunately, I think there's a solution for that.


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Hard Knock Life: Obama Grounds Citigroup's High-Flying Hopes


Here's To A Job Well Done!

Having secured a sweet $45 billion bailout from taxpayers, the savvy wizards over at Citigroup did what any rational company narrowly escaping bankruptcy would do: Buy a luxurious, new $50 million corporate jet using funds just fleeced from the public, of course!

Citigroup execs defended the move as a smart business deal because any billion dollar banking company that manages to run itself right into the gutter certainly knows a thing or two about savvy business operations.

But then the annoying public got wind of the plan and in typical party-pooper fashion, tried to ruin everything for the humble Citigroup execs, including new Dassault Falcon 7X jets fueled with the blood, sweat, tears (and $45 billion dollars) of hard-working Americans.

Normally, the public's outcry would fall on deaf ears, because business trumps the needs of the "average citizen." It's the American way.

Or at least, it was the American way. That is until Mr. "Man Of The People" Obama became president and screwed everything up.


The Not-Too-Shabby Interior