Walk Like An Egyptian...Loudly, Relentlessly, & With An iPhone Twitter App Toward Democracy!

The Egyptian Revolution may not be televised (America don't take too kindly to Al Jazeera in her parts!) but it will most definitely be Facebooked and Tweeted and re-Tweeted ad nauseum.

Free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, we're free at last!

Err, kind of.

I mean, Hosni Mubarak did finally step down as Egypt's default president-for-life, but not before first giving ridiculously offensive quitting speeches pretending to leave, a number of times, only to decide, eh, on second thought, he kind of likes this whole all-powerful, ruthless leader thing.

But lo and behold, the arrogant, grumpy old man and only Grandfather Egypt has known for the last thirty years finally decided the largest country in the Arab world has had enough Daddy Warbucks Mubarak (maybe the massive, nonstop rioting protesters tipped him off), and would be better served
maybe letting someone else be absolute ruler for a while.

Maybe even the whole Egyptian Army since they seem to love repressive police states so much!

According to the BBC:

Hosni Mubarak has decided to step down as president of Egypt.
In an announcement on state TV, Vice-President Omar Suleiman said Mr Mubarak had handed power to the military.
It came as thousands massed in Cairo and other Egyptian cities for an 18th day of protest to demand Mr Mubarak’s resignation.
Protesters responded by cheering, waving flags, embracing and sounding car horns. “The people have brought down the regime,” they chanted.

Hooray! The Egyptian Revolution is victorious! Which is really quite an achievement after only a few measly weeks of rag-tag yelling and shrieking in 140 characters or less. All hail the Twitter!

So now that ol' Hosni M is gone, the real question becomes, what happens next?

Will pure democracy just suddenly bloom like the beautiful begonia of freedom George W. Bush so bravely planted in Iraq?

Or will the Great Pyramid Party of 2011, Egyptapalooza's non-stop freedom bash be followed by the long, complicated, seemingly impossible process of constitutional negotiations between the people, Army, the Muslim Brotherhood, moderate/progressive opposition groups, business leaders, foreign powers, and all other concerned interests over the next year or so before anything even approaching free elections and/or a stable and responsive political system emerges?

Umm, yeah, most likely.

But until then, doesn't it make you feel all warm 'n fuzzy to know that something called the "The Supreme Council of the Egyptian Military Forces" now has complete control of the nation?

And all these military leaders have to do now is draft a new system of government that ably represents the demands of 80 million people unfamiliar with the democratic process in one of the most strategically important nations on Earth en route to supervising the constitutional transition of power!

Yeah, like that should be difficult.

Per usual, President Obama said all the right things, praising the peacefulness of the protesters, the restraint of the military, the emergence of a "new generation with boundless aspirations," and a transition that brings "all of Egypt's voices to the table."

And not surprisingly, the United States government has pledged to help where it can, but let's be serious. As long as the oil's pumping and our massive tankers don't run into any problems going through the Suez Canal, ol' Uncle Sam is pretty much cool with anything.

Hell, if Egypt ends up under the permanent rule of a Supreme Repressive Military Authoritarian Islamist Junta of Death, Sharia, and How To Lose A Democracy In Ten Days, but still manages to keep our gas-guzzling luxury SUVs filled with delicious petroleum, then that's good enough.

So be it!

Good thing, America's other, real president of social networking, Sarah Palin, understands that the U.S. of A can't just go around, supportin' freedom and the rule of Democratic law everywhere there's a protest and a pyramid.

zone: inside
size: 300x600
keywords: mtfIFPath=/assets/vendor/doubleclick/, origin=gawker, visited=deadspinfront, visited=gawkerfront

“We want to be able to trust those who are screaming for democracy there in Egypt, that it is a true sincere desire for freedoms. And the challenge that we have though, is how do we verify what it is that we are being told?”

Certainly not by listening to the shrieks of lamestream media, or Lord Allah forbid, evil Al Jazeera media elite terrorists!

“So now the information needs to be gathered and understood as to who it will be that fills now the void in the government. Is it going to be the Muslim Brotherhood? We should not stand for that, or with that or by that. Any radical Islamists, no that is not who we should be supporting and standing by. So we need to find out who was behind all of the turmoil and the revolt and the protests so that good decisions can be made in terms of who we will stand by and support.”

So true, SarBear! After all, a secular pragmatist like Sarah Palin knows that God should NEVER have an influence on politics or government or law and order.

And certainly not if that God happens to go by the ridiculous name Allah.

Jesus Christ, no!

I mean, it's not like weirdo Egyptians have feelings or anything. Besides, everyone knows those people couldn't truly want Democracy. Duh! They're Muslim.

Fox News Knows The First Step In Solving The Crisis In Egypt Is Accurately Knowing Where It Is Located On A Map, Or Just Shoving It In The Spot Formerly Known As Iraq

Did the 60-year military dictatorship in Egypt end while you wasted away your weekend drinking Four Loko in the desperate hopes that enough carbonated toxic liquid would help make either of the not one, but two miserable All-Star snoozefests on the boob tube at least mildly entertaining, if not outright depressing?

Eh, no not yet. Still-President Hosni Mubarak continues to pretend that he is not the reason hundreds of thousands of angry Egyptians are rioting in the streets in violent protest of his 30-year iron-fisted rule over Egypt.

Did Fox News suddenly wake up and realize it was retarded? Unfortunately, not yet either.

Which is why, much like ol' Hosni M, Fox News cannot be held responsible for this particular comically special needs map, or any of the dumb, terrible, unintentional consequences it caused because it was broadcast before the current crisis, just like Mubarak was "elected" (one bullet=one vote) before the Egyptian Army started firing on peaceful pro-democracy gatherings of its citizens, demanding an end to Mubarak's repressive, though-not-completely-horrible-in-the-scheme-of-things rule.

Just think of what would happen if Egypt were actually directly on top of Iraq, like total catacomb style, and also next to Iran. For one thing, the U.S. occupation liberation forces in Iraq would be squished or suffocated, because of Egypt being on top of them and all!

Not to mention, what we thought were the awe-inspiring, ancient Pyramids of Giza turned out to be nothing more than the paper mache visual representations of Saddam Hussein's 100% UN guaranteed, get-rich-quick oil-for-food/not-killing-Iraqis Ponzi scheme.

But Fox News' ingested-too-many-paint-chips-as-a-kid-maps aside, could it be that the six decades of Egyptian military autocracy, led by the 82-year-old Egyptian version of Al Davis, is officially over, dunzo, finito?

Ummm, maybe. After all, Mubarak did name new cabinet members and convince the military to kindly agree not "to shoot-to-kill" peaceful protesters, even if Mubarak refuses to let the Internet Menace oust him from power, in 140-characters or less.

Meanwhile, the Obama White House expressed his administration's desire for restraint and a peaceful, orderly transition to a more responsive, democratic government, while at the same time warning against a takeover by religious militants who want to destroy the world, on their holy quest to bang 72 pristine virgins who've never even heard of the Jersey Shore.

In return, they will stop supporting (financially and otherwise) the decades-long reign of quasi-dictators like Hosni Mubarak simply because oh, I don't know, say, Egypt's fragile, albeit critical peace with Israel, sanctioned by Mubarak himself, helped stave off world-wide catastrophe in the form of World War III or worse, throughout the second half of the last century.

“The American government cannot ask the Egyptian people to believe that a dictator who has been in power for 30 years will be the one to implement democracy,” Mohamed ElBaradei, former head of the UN nuclear watchdog, told CBS’s “Face the Nation.”
“This is really a farce. I mean, people here could be poor, but they’re intelligent.

Ha ha, well, guess what!? Not only are Americans getting poorer, they also happen to be getting progressively dumber and increasingly obese at the same time. It's called having your Snooki and eating it too!

Not to mention, we Americans are diligent multi-taskers who believe that God granted us exclusive rights to rule the world when He lovingly crafted Adam and Eve out of clay and his own omnipotent wherewithal, in the Olive Garden or Garden of Eden or something.

If the American public was told a dictator who'd been ruling with an iron fist for 30 years, and blamed for widespread poverty, inflation, official indifference and brutality, would be tasked with implementing a democracy it's never had, they would believe it.

Hell, they believe Fox News, don't they?

Because they are an advanced, intelligent society whose brain cells are used for important matters like determining how many grams of high-grade cocaine and high-class call girls Charlie Sheen needs to snort and abuse, respectively, before deserving widespread public support and an all expense-paid vacation to a luxury spa/rehab resort in Southern California. Not how to overthrow a corrupt regime and install a democratically elected government that actually respects the universal human rights of all Egyptians instead.

So take that, Egypt, ya lazy bones mother mummy f**kers!

Besides, oil's well that ends well! Or at least that ends with decent oil prices so concerned Americans can drive their gas guzzling SUVs to their own wondrous, culturally indispensable, ancient Egyptian civilization...at the Luxor Hotel. In Las Vegas.