Friday, March 2, 2012

Andrew Breitbart Shocks The World By Pulling His Biggest Stunt Yet: Dropping Dead

Right wing internet provocateur or as Alec Baldwin so eloquently put it, "festering boil on the anus of public discourse," Andrew Breitbart, has died in Los Angeles at age 43 "of natural causes."

Which for a conservative typically means asphyxiating on a ball-gag in full latex body suit while strapped to a wall in a dank, dark basement with electric nipple clamps and a 12-inch steel studded dildo stuffed up his ass. Well, that or a heart attack. You know, natural stuff!

Unless karma is considered a "natural cause."

Either way, the world mourns the loss of a talented writer of headlines who worked tirelessly (and anonymously) as Matt Drudge's assistant on the West Coast, blowing the lid off many a hot story, perhaps none hotter than a certain slick Democratic President catching intern blow jobs in the Oval Office, and unfortunately-named liberal New York members of Congress tweeting grainy pictures of their own bare members to young ladies throughout cyberspace.

Breitbart leaves behind a wife and four children, along with a vile collection of websites including “Big Government” and "Big Hollywood," as well as the hundreds of idiotic half-literate bloggers they employ who share his zeal for mindlessly attacking every non-wingnut aspect of life on Earth but lack his uniquely amiable personality or signature face grizzle. 

While Andrew Breitbart may not have necessarily made the world a better, Brighter place, he did make it a Breiter, angrier, more whacked-out conspiracy filled one.

And so Breitbart died the way he lived: surrounded by partisan rancor and wingnut fanatics spouting off crackpot conspiracy theories about how he was really assassinated by NOBAMA, George Soros, Rahm Emanuel's Chicago goons, the militant Left, and probably Vladimir Putin as soon as was done wrestling half the endangered species in Russia. 

Just the way he would have wanted it!

So long, Andrew, you odd, angry, stubbly-faced little man. May you Rest in Peace. The kind of peace you worked so diligently to undermine while alive.

On the bright side, at least you don't have to pay those "Big Government" taxes anymore. Though you will still likely have to contend with the good-for-nothin' maggots, worms, and creepy-crawly blood sucking leeches, albeit of the non-partisan variety.

A rebel to the very end, even in death, Andrew Breitbart defied conventional wisdom.

Dead at only 43? And I thought only the good died young!

Guess all that's left now is "Big Funeral."

[image via Politico]

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