Turns Out Obama's Health Care Plan Does Include A Death Panel & It's Called The Supreme Court

While black teens in hoodies were being murdered for the terrible crime of WWBIGC (Walking While Black In Gated Communities), the nine Supremely irritating muumuus on the nation's High Court were chomping at the bit for some reason, any reason, to do away with that no-good Obama and his awful, un-American desire to have a health care system that doesn't toss poor people and kids with cancer into the streets like yesterday's trash, teeming with empty prescription bottles of life-saving medicine no one (except Mitt Romney) could afford to fill anyway.

I'll give you my freedom to die, sick and uninsured, when you pry it from my cold, arthritic hands. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So, just what are the chances the evil, Kenyan, Socialist, Communist, Grandma-murdering wayward medical experiment known as Obamacare lives to see another day?

Even slimmer than the flimsy, tissue paper-thin judicial reasoning the supremely partisan, supremely right-leaning Court members are using to terminate Obama's signature domestic achievement, and if all goes well, (fingers crossed!) many perfectly savable American lives too.

Hooray!

Looks like it's time for another controversial 5-4 Supreme Court decision, ladies and germs! Oooh, oooh, maybe they are going to rule that George W. Bush is president again!

Via First Read:

"Such an outcome, especially after other 5-4 decisions like Bush vs. Gore and Citizens United, would have two potential consequences. One, it would feed the perception that the U.S. Supreme Court is as partisan as Congress and increasing parts of the media; in other words, these nine justices (either trained at liberal law schools or members of the conservative Federalist Society) are essentially political actors wearing black robes."

Wait, I thought actors were supposed to be hot. Let's just call them marionettes, shall we?

"And two and most importantly, a 5-4 decision would satisfy no one. If the court strikes down the mandate and the health-care law by that narrow margin, liberals and Democrats would blame it on the conservative justices. If the mandate and law are upheld by a 5-4 decision, conservatives would point their fingers at the liberals and the unpredictable "mushy" swing justice, Anthony Kennedy. That's the problem with a split decision: The losers would feel like they lost on a political technicality, not because there was a legal consensus."

Consensus?? That's for people who have to put on actual clothes to go to work and still face the possibility of getting fired at some point in their lifetime.

One Obama administration lawyer, Edwin Kneedler, urged caution, saying it would be "extraordinary" for the court to throw out the entire law. About 2.5 million young people under age 26 are on their parents' insurance now because of the new law. If it were struck down entirely, "2.5 million of them would be thrown off the insurance rolls."

To which Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts howled in maniacal glee, while Kennedy chuckled softly to himself, hoping to finally fit in somewhere, instead of always straddling the fence like some cheap, disease-ridden whore Scalia keeps chained beneath the dais to polish his wood (gavel, you sickos!) between sessions.

Either way, CNN's Jeffrey Toobin knows this whole Supreme Court brouhaha is every kind of transportation disaster imaginable!

"This still looks like a train wreck for the Obama Administration, and it may also be a plane wreck. This entire law is now in serious trouble. It also seems that the individual mandate is doomed...Well, it's hard to imagine how things could be going much worse for the Obama Administration."

Haha, that's easy. Two words: Romney Administration. Ugh, perish the thought.

Speaking of which, at a news conference held by health care supporters outside the court room, one cancer patient praised the law for saving her life.

"Because President Obama signed the Affordable Care Act, I get to keep my house, I won't go bankrupt, my kids are going to get to go to college, and I am going to live," Spike Dolomite Ward said to cheers.

Sorry, overruled! Their Supreme Condolences, though.

[image via Getty]