By now I'm sure you've heard of America's favorite fowl-named, RNC-created group for the young, spry offspring of mega-rich oil barons and banking moguls, the "Young Eagles," thanks to their recent late-night "fundraiser" featuring women slaves in dog collars doing lesbiany things to each other at various S&M sex clubs up 'n down the Golden State.
But whomever are these young, feathered friends of low taxes, limited government, and leather dungeon masters sportin' whips 'n chains and ultra hot names like Nazi Pelosi? And where on God's green earth or, as the case may be, spacious blue skies, did these dapper young chaps of means and privilege come from?
Grab your monocles, ladies and gents, this is going to get exciting...
At the top o' the list, we have J. Roby Penn IV, 29-year-old heir to an oil-and-gas fortune (I should hope so!) and the Young Eagles' mid-Atlantic regional director who just so happens to own most of the region.
Ah yes, J. Roby Penn IV is nothing more than your average, 20-something, aristocratic descendant of American nobility (ca-ching!) with an initial for a first name who does "normal" red-blooded American things like wax poetic on Sarah Palin's favoritest Facebook.
"My ancestors, actually, weren't on the Mayflower. They sent the servants over first to get the cottage ready."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's hilaaaaarious! Get it?? His family's so rich they didn't have to do any of that poor pilgrimy stuff, especially with the slaves chained to the ship's bottom more than happy to lend a helping hand (once they were unshackled and free to move around, that is).
Also: "I believe in a purpose driven life...if life's purpose is backgammon and tennis."
OMG stop! This guy's too much! Guess that's what happens when you have no responsibilities except spending Daddy's money and not getting caught making hot sex tapes with Paris Hilton.
And: "If you don't have an oil well, get one."
Sure, the Young Eagles helped throw the RNC into crisis with their recent rendezvous at West Hollywood's "bondage" club Voyeur where the li'l GOP hatchlings were treated to an up close and personal account of what Republican 'family values' really means. (Hot girl on girl action?)
But isn't cultivating all these high rolling, hip hop youth--the bright 'n shiny future of the Grand Old Party--worth the steep price tag? Even if it means giving the ol' heave ho to a couple of rusty staffers as collateral for catering to the wet 'n wild wants of these upstanding future obstructionists of America?
'Course it is!
"We do events that a specific demographic will like, so it will love us and give us money and vote for us," said David Norcross, a former RNC general counsel and current committee official briefed by Steele on the RNC's revamping plan in the wake of the controversy.
Does this mean no more naughty??
"And, when you're dealing with young people, it's probably a good idea to go off the beaten track a little bit and do things you think they might like," Norcross said. "Just because a couple of mistakes have been made, doesn't mean you don't want to continue being progressively forward looking. Why should we of all parties do old stodgy stuff?”
Ummm, maybe because you are the party of old stodgy stuff?
The Young Eagles are "a fun group," one former member said. "If you've got a little insecurity complex, but you've got money—what a cool group to hang out with."
Yeah, if your choices are between that and darning socks with Aunt Bessie at the nursing home...
"Everything that's cool from a pop culture perspective is Democratic—whether it's Kanye West or Bruce Springsteen—and with younger conservatives, a good event is often a big way to help sell," said the former Young Eagle, who left the program in 2008. Traditional fundraising events such as golf and tennis outings don't quite cut it with young donors, he said. "How many times can you go to the U.S. Open?"
Ugh, tell me about it. One more lame courtside seat at a match between Federer and Nadal and I'm seriously gonna puke. On your Gucci shoes.
But at least the Young Eagles got to hit all the "sexy hotspots"--including a Redskins game with Steele, dinner at Spago in LA with Newt Gingrich, and cocktails at the W Hotel with John Boehner.
It doesn't get much better than that, stimulated lesbian sex or not!
I guess, when you're courting high-rolling donors like J. Roby Penn IV, you've got to find new and exciting ways to compete. And with the hip hop party of youth, you just never know what that's gonna bring.
Besides sexy back, of course!
After all, the Young Eagles' mission is to "define the future leaders of tomorrow by creating a vibrant base of young, conservative-oriented members that can and will take an active role in shaping the party's message, as well as that of the country, well into the future."
Land of the dinosaurs, part II?