Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Battle Of The Bulge: Are Fatties To Blame For Global Warming?



Hey fatties, guess what?? It's YOUR fault the earth is getting hotter, rain forests are disappearing, icecaps are melting, and all the polar bears are dying.

That's right. Thanks to a recent scientific study, we now know that a person's heart isn't the only thing to suffer from stuffing your face with endless wheelbarrow sized portions of Culver's world-famous butter burgers and custard shakes. Mother Earth weeps too.

That's because each overweight person, hereby referred to by its scientific name, "fatty," emits a ton more of climate-warming carbon dioxide per year than their average weight counterparts, or as they're more commonly known, "skinny." That means an extra billion tons of CO2 is created every year!

It doesn't take a scientist (well, apparently it does) to deduce that the more food you shovel down your throat, the more food needs to be produced, and thus the more CO2 gas emissions that are released into the atmosphere.

Not only is “moving about in a heavy body like driving in a gas guzzler,” but "fatties" are also more likely to travel by car--another major environmental no-no--because well, "it is much easier to get in your car and pick up a pint of milk than to take a walk.”

That's true. It is also much easier to go to the local supermarket than to milk the cow yourself, but hey if you don't mind murdering the planet, that's your prerogative.

Speaking of raping and pillaging the land, Congress is facing its own battle of the bulge this year, and we don't mean the federal deficit.

Between Wall Street woes, a recession and intense legislative fights over whose hand Barry might shake today, members of Congress say they’re facing one of the most stressful, pressure-filled sessions in recent memory--and have the bulging waistlines to prove it.

Endless lunchtime meetings, jam-packed schedules, heavy travel, late-night hours, and the sinfully orgasmic pies in the Senate cafeteria have many lawmakers tipping the scales and polluting our beautiful blue planet with their plump, pork-filled toxins.

Like we needed any more proof that Congress is hazardous to our health.


I'll Give It To You Frank: Put Down The Fork, Barney!

1 comment:

Hobo S. said...

Culver's aren't plentiful where I live (Austin) but just a couple hours ago I was driving home and passed one and read the sign for some reason. "Custard Shakes & Butter Burgers" (or something close to that,) and I don't think before then I was even aware of Culver's existence.

Then here I am, following your link from Wonkette, and you reference Culver's, along with fat people. Not the most unlikely coincidence, but amusing enough for me.

As for fatties, finally some ammunition when we get shushed for cracking on fat people. As they are fond of saying, they're the last group it's OK to make fun of, now that the coloreds and the furriners are out of bounds. Well guess what fatties, you're still the last group it's OK to crack on, cuz you're choking our planet.

However, I must throw down the obligatory "if we were all vegans" annoyance here while I'm bloviating about fatties, since the resources necessary to produce meat are astronomical compared to those necessary to nurture a meatless diet. But we're not yet (if we'll ever be) at the point where meat-eaters can be shamed and scorned, so today I'll settle for fatties. Nice post. -- HoboSpaceJunkie