Blowin' Hot Air: Georgia Rep. Paul Broun Warns Of Scary Energy Bill Killing Overheated, Old Southerners

Esteemed congressman and beloved right wing caricature of an actual thinking human being, Georgia Peach, Rep. Paul Broun is no stranger to making mindblowingly dumb, racist comments whenever he gets the chance to spout his big fat trap on some subject he knows nothing about (all?).

When opportunity knocks, you better answer it people!

For good ol' Paul, this latest "opportunity" to act like a deranged moron occurred on the congressional floor (where else?) while discussing important legislation that America desperately needs, but only he understands will lead to the death of millions of innocent old white people, namely in those parts of the country where they don't take very kindly to big, bad (black) governments tellin' whitey what to do.

Waves of death!

So say "bye bye" to Granny and Gramps, because whoever NObama's death panels missed will not escape the constant carnage filling the streets with elderly blood if the Democrats' terrible energy bill to reduce our dependence on foreign oil passes.

We're talkin' senior citizens croakin' left and right, fillin' the streets of Atlanta and Tallahassee with their ol' bones, if the Democrats' get their way and pass some energy bill forcing wrinkled retirees across the South to spontaneously combust or pay a few extra dollars to turn up their thermostat.

Being a doctor and all, Rep. Paul Broun knows a few things the average Joe or Jane simply cannot: like how health care reform will murder Bubbies and Zadies, and lead to roving gangs of DEMONcratic death panels scouring the countryside for shovel-ready old people to bury six feet under, and be done with the liver-spotted nuisances once and for all. Welcome to the new war of Yankee Aggression, mah friends!

BROUN: A lot of old people in Georgia and Florida and all out throughout the southeast and the southwest are dependent on air conditioning just to live.  And if their electricity bills go sky high, as the energy tax is gonna make it happen, if that ever passes there are a lot of people that can't afford to run their air conditioning any more and a lot of people are gonna have a hard time with hyperthermia is what I call it — what we call it in medicine as a medical doctor — which means that their body temperature's gonna go up, they're gonna have dehydration, and people are gonna have a lot of problems.  And it's gonna have a greater impact on our health care system and people are gonna die because of that.  But it's gonna kill jobs too.  

Ya, hear that, America?? Jobs murdered, grandparents murdered, basically constant death everywhere once the evil "clean energy" bill goes through congress, and Paul Broun's doomsday vision of Dem-crafted legislation killing old people in hot states comes to fruition. Like a sweet Georgia peach?

Take it from Dr. Broun—too proud to spell Brown the "normal" way, but ain't too proud to spout rambling, incoherent nonsense, the particulars of which involve sweet, wrinkled centenarians (think millions of McCains) croaking en masse across the American South because they might, just might have to turn up their thermostats a few degrees in the summer, to save some money, assuming they choose not to stop buying wool socks, cataract sunglasses, and bottles of delicious prune juice in order to, eh, I don't know, maybe save their lives?

Because, unlike those hoity-toity Democrats, Broun doesn't believe in the elitist hoax known as climate change, and as such, is the ideal candidate to give advice on urgent environment legislation to save Mother Earth from nosy, overbearing Democrats who refuse to replace her vast seas of oceanic life with vast seas of greasy death.

The lamebrains! Why do they hate America so much? Or better yet, why do they hate beautiful capitalism so much?

Good thing there's a Republican hero like Paul Broun to prevent all this Democratic death by legislation, what with the coming apocalypse where Southern geezers are killed from keeping their air conditioning at a balmy 72.

Wonder how the Northern Aggressors defeated the noble Confederacy back in 1865 before they had access to the mass (elderly) murderer known as air conditioning?

Perhaps they just suffocated them with cotton, provided (free of charge) by the nice, colored people in chains, tirelessly workin' the fields to prevent Union turncoats hellbent on manually blowing stale, non-automatic air and freedom all over the Alzheimer's-ravaged minds of slave-holding plantation owners and toothless Southern gents in Real America.

Or maybe Rep. Paul Broun and the rest of the non-brown Grand Old Party of ancient fossils and crumbling prehistoric relics should get used to the heat. After all, the last Ice Age ended 20,000 years ago.

Still no scientific explanation for Sarah Palin, though!

Yes We Can, Drill, Baby Drill!

Per usual, President Barack Obama is doing all he possibly can to extend an Olive Branch to all those (Teabaggers, Republicans, Racists, etc) who'd like nothing more than to give him the ol' heave ho back to the sweltering Kenyan wilderness he came from, by finally letting the nice oil companies drill, baby drill their fat faces full of delicious petroleum, up and down the coast, as much as their little hearts desire, until every American can bathe in its luxurious golden elixir and everyone lives forever and no one dies and all is well in the world. The End.

Oh, wait. You mean world peace, and spontaneous arm-linking while swaying in unison and chanting Kumbaya in perfect harmony isn't what happens when a Democrat attempts to placate his enemies by offering some dumb policy nobody likes except the dumb party he is dumbly trying to reason with? Again.

Silly me. Surely, there must be some logical explanation why President Obama decided to announce his special new plan "to open vast expanses of water along the Atlantic coastline, the eastern Gulf of Mexico and the north coast of Alaska to oil and natural gas drilling, much of it for the first time."

"The proposal -- a compromise that will please oil companies and domestic drilling advocates but anger some residents of affected states and many environmental organizations -- would end a longstanding moratorium on oil exploration along the East Coast from the northern tip of Delaware to the central coast of Florida, covering 167 million acres of ocean."

Oh, I get it now! Obama has decided to open up drilling platforms off specific sections of America's Coastlines so that states that voted for the trainwreck McCain-Palin ticket get to enjoy disastrous oil spills, marine devastation, coastal erosion, and overall environmental catastrophe because what else is there to do with pristine beaches and a veritable treasure trove of untapped open ocean?

Swim?? Ha ha, yeah, like people who dwell in Red State, Real America do things like put on bathing suits or stroll on the beach, or heavens forbid, actually swim in the damn thing or anything. Ugh, as if. What do they look like, queer potheads in California or somethin'?

Naturally, environmentalists, hippie-dippie Greenpeace save the dolphins/whales/polar bear types, and those with functioning brains are up in arms (not the Sarah Palin crosshair kind!) over Obama's new offshore drilling expansion, which will neither have a discernible impact on America's fuel supply nor our long-term energy needs, but maybe, just maybe will be just enough of a concession to Democratic centrists and Republican anythings to help Congress move forward on comprehensive climate legislation and begin the transition to cleaner fuels.

Since Republicans are always shrieking about the need to "drill baby, drill!" as their total solution to all things climate change-y, certainly Obama's new "drill where it's responsible" plan gets them more excited than Sarah Palin sportin' a black leather jacket and talkin' all sexy 'bout drillin' for black gold to a bunch of people dumber than her, who've never even seen the ocean, let alone Mother Russia from their front porch.

Right??

Ehhh, depends on whether House minority leader John Boehner was having his usual nic fit and electric beach cravings when delivering his fresh response about why Obama hates America now.

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) dismissed the president's plan as not going far enough in opening up U.S. waters for exploration.

Obama's decision "continues to defy the will of the American people," Boehner said in a statement, pointing to the president’s decision to open Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico waters, while leaving Pacific and many Alaskan waters largely closed to exploration.

"It's long past time for this Administration to stop delaying American energy production off all our shores and start listening to the American people who want an "all of the above" strategy to produce more American energy and create more jobs. Republicans are listening to the American people and have proposed a better solution–the American Energy Act–which will lower gas prices, increase American energy production, promote new clean and renewable sources of energy, and encourage greater efficiency and conservation."

The Republicans' plan also happens to cure cancer, eradicate world hunger, close the gap between rich and poor, educate the youth, increase literacy, end war, house the homeless, solve the riddle of life, and invent an actual color to describe the weird orange glow that is John Boehner's face.

Now if they only could figure out a way to get rid of that God-forsaken black menace always making them look so bad...

No, not Michael Steele, silly! He's tied up at the moment, anyway.

The one who actually has the power (and brains) to ram legislation down America's throats, Barack Hussein Obama, y'all!

Don't Worry Planet, Mr. Adorable To The Rescue!

The President At His Finest

After a very long day of flubbed inauguration oaths, never-ending parades, and boring balls where he and Michelle were forced to perform endless slow dances for the adoring crowds, Barack Obama finally got to take a load off.

Yes, even when undoing his tie, exhausted and drained, America's new president still manages to be the most adorable man we've ever elected into office.

He's even cuter when he spends each day of his first week in office gutting another one of Bush's god-awful policies to destroy America.

Today, Obama will single-handedly save the environment, before moving on to fix the economy, end the war, and bring peace to all of humanity, likely by the end of the week.

So congratulations Mr. President!

But really you can stop now. Seriously, dude, you had us at hello.