Remember When Hope & Change Meant Something Other Than Rope & Hang? Haha, Neither Does Obama!

Remember that tall, dark, and handsome man sweet talking America into falling head over heels for his sexy smile, chocolatey smooth leadership style, and unique ability to formulate complete sentences without the the aid of a teleprompter or Dick Cheney grunting in his ear?

You know, the "hopey changey" one who was gonna restore honor and dignity back to America by pronouncing "nuclear" correctly and not smart bombing random oil-rich Muslim countries in the Middle East for fun and profit, while letting poor black coastal cities in the U.S. drown in murky flood water, Barack Hussein Obama or something?

Neither do we!

Must've been a dream!

Because when we woke up to full-scale labor wars in courtesy of some Kochsucking governor in Wisconsin, continuing troop surges in Afghanistan, tax breaks for billionaire bankers, and Sarah Palin shrieking about drinking the blood of Jewish babies, some lanky black dude calling himself President Obama was suddenly waxing poetic about how the insane abuse/indefinite detention of American citizens is "appropriate," so long as his name is U.S. Army Private Bradley Manning, and he is responsible for WikiLeaking sensitive military material all over the Internets.

What the Obama administration will not tolerate, however, is some pesky longtime public servant, like say, State Department spokesman P.J. Crowley, having the basketballs big enough to commit the unforgivable sin of criticizing the the Pentagon's Soviet-esque solitary confinement, torture, and abuse of Private First Class Bradley Manning as "ridiculous and counterproductive and stupid."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, where are your manners, P.J.? Didn't all those years of government and military service teach you anything?

Despite what the whiny 'professional left' may lead you to believe, it is never, I repeat, never, acceptable for a high-ranking official to publicly speak out against the secret, sadistic military treatment of anyone, let alone an actual citizen of the U.S. of A, under any circumstances.

It's simply in bad taste! Next time the U.S. government is forcing detainees to wear dog collars, blindfolds, and form naked pyramids, you smile, nod, and keep your stinkin' trap shut, unless you want them to shut it for you, got it Crowley?

Or, you may just find yourself bound, gagged, and shivering stark naked next to your new boyfriend Bradley over at Quantico, if you catch Obama's drift.

We're in the middle of a WikiLeaks War, God damn it, and war is no time for rational thought or peaceful dissent!

So, in Barack Obama’s administration, it’s perfectly acceptable to abuse an American citizen in detention who has been convicted of nothing by consigning him to 23-hour-a-day solitary confinement, barring him from exercising in his cell, punitively imposing “suicide watch” restrictions on him against the recommendations of brig psychiatrists, and subjecting him to prolonged, forced nudity designed to humiliate and degrade. But speaking out against that abuse is a firing offense. Good to know. As Matt Yglesias just put it: “Sad statement about America that P.J. Crowley is the one being forced to resign over Bradley Manning.” And as David Frum added: “Crowley firing: one more demonstration of my rule: Republican pols fear their base, Dem pols despise it.”

True, but you would too if your base consisted of angry, unemployed former Klansmen with AK-47s slung across their chest, instead of arugula eating liberal elitists whose biggest threat is beating you at the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle.

Because, clearly all those hopey changey-type socialists, commies, queers, elitists, abortionists, atheists, hippie-dippie human rights advocates, and American apologists who voted for Barack Obama back in 2008 were really hoping for a president who not only continues such evil George W. Bush freedom-fighting, Stalin-style House of Horror policies as pouring refreshing troughs of water on stacks of naked Iraqi prisoners, but is now actually torturing American citizens and standing up for it, right there from the presidential podium in the White House.

Woohoo! USA! USA! USA! USA! Besides, everyone knows if voting changed anything, they'd probably have made it illegal by now.

Jane Hamsher, one of “the professional left" always stirring up trouble for Obama at the liberal blog FireDogLake, where P.J. Crowley will probably end up working now, writes:

"With his firing of Crowley, Obama makes a mockery of his own claim to be a constitutional scholar who supports transparency in government.”

What ever do you mean?? Thanks to Barry, they use Saran Wrap, not steel chains to bind their political prisoners!

“Other than Obama's tolerance for the same detainee abuse against which he campaigned and his ongoing subservience to the military that he supposedly 'commands,'" Salon’s Glenn Greenwald writes. “It is the way in which this Manning/Crowley behavior bolsters the regime of secrecy and the President's obsessive attempts to destroy whistle blowing that makes this episode so important and so telling.”

Too bad nobody knows what the hell is actually being said, because it's currently chained, gagged, and locked in a padded in Dick Cheney's underground lair 2,500 ft below the surface of the Earth.

“By firing PJ Crowley for the offense of protesting against the sadistic military treatment of Bradley Manning, the president has now put his personal weight behind prisoner abuse,” blogger Andrew Sullivan explains. “The man who once said that forced nudity was a form of torture, now takes the word of those enforcing it over a distinguished public servant.”

Who instead of serving the people, will likely now be serving hard time in Gitmo instead.

How’s that hopey changey thing working out?

Ah, just like Clockwork. Clockwork Orange, that is.

Julian Assange & John Galliano Don't Have A Jewish Problem, All Their Problems Just Happen To Be Jews!

What is with the Jews these days? The damn yids just cannot stop forcing otherwise renowned, well-respected, wealthy, international middle-aged men (of mystery), notably John Galliano and Julian Assange, to say terrible, bigoted, ignorant things about them in bars, interviews, and other public places vicious anti-Semitic rants are typically discouraged.

Apparently, killing Christ just wasn't enough for the greedy bastards!

First, they shystered Christian Dior creative director and real life Mugatu, John Galliano, into innocently proclaiming "I love Hitler" before reasonably informing the Jewish couple sitting next to him in a Paris bar, "People like you would be dead. Your mothers, your forefathers, would all be f****** gassed."

Ooh La La! Looks like someone's extra foam, no whip, skim soy chai latte didn't agree with him this morning, huh?

Hopefully, there will be more of an appreciation for weirdly androgynous flaming fashionistas who look like the bizarre love child of Salvador Dali, John Waters, General Franco and Cher after a wild, drug fueled orgy weekend in Ibiza, at his posh new rehab treatment center. Which is all the rage for racist mustachioed wrecks who get smashed and start shrieking about Final Solutions and five-inch stilettos in the wee days before Fashion Week.

Haute Couture? Haha, more like Hate ze Jew!

Which brings us to the other dapper, albeit androgynous, albino lad from across the pond, Wikileaks founder and serial condom breaker, Julian Assange, who has simply had it up to here with all the Jews and Queers conspiring together trying desperately to bring him down. (Or was it to go down?)

In a phone conversation with Ian Hislop, editor of the British satirical and current affairs magazine Private Eye, Julian Assange furiously complains about an anonymous Private Eye story criticizing Wikileaks' association with its Russia representative, a raving anti-Semite and holocaust denier rather confusingly (and ironically!) named Israel Shamir.

Turns out, Assange wanted Hislop to know that he'd barely even met Shamir, and that Private Eye had been taken in (the dumb bastards!) by a cabal of reporters for the Guardian who hate Assange and who happen to all be total Jew faces, complete with devil horns.

So, umm, touché?

[H]e went on to say that we were part of a conspiracy led by the Guardian which included journalist David Leigh, editor Alan Rusbridger and John Kampfner from Index on Censorship—all of whom "are Jewish."
I pointed out that Rusbridger is not actually Jewish, but Assange insisted that he was "sort of Jewish" because he was related to David Leigh (they are brothers-in-law). When I doubted whether his Jewish conspiracy would stand up against the facts, Assange suddenly conceded the point. "Forget the Jewish thing."

Already forgotten, Julian!

Moving on, then.

The other thing about the whole Jewy and sort-of-Jewy people who are out to get him is that they are all total homos, too! Just ask ol' Jul!

"The reporters on the Guardian disappointed me," he continued. "They failed my masculinity test." (Wait, what?) "They behaved like gossiping schoolgirls," he said.

Oh, I get it! The way you pass Julian Assange's masculinity test is by looking like an effeminate silk-scarf wearing weirdo, while secretly Wikileaking your man seed hither and yon, in unsuspecting ladies' hoohas until there's a li'l Julian in every part of the globe, on as many continents as humanly possible.

OMG, quick someone alert the Republicans! Finally, a reason to keep abortion legal the whole world can get behind!

Though, knowing the Jews, they've already trademarked, patented it, and turned a tidy profit off it.

Naturally, Assange disputed the Private Eye report on his WikiLeaks Twitter feed, saying, Mr. Hislop had “distorted, invented or misremembered almost every significant claim and phrase."

"It is serious and upsetting. Rather than correct a smear, Mr. Hislop has tried to justify one smear with another."

“That he has a reputation for this, and is famed to have received more libel suits in the U.K. than any other journalist as a result, does not mean that it is right,” Assange said. “WikiLeaks promotes the ideal of ‘scientific journalism’ — where the underlying evidence of all articles is available to the reader precisely in order to avoid these type of distortions. We treasure our strong Jewish support and staff, just as we treasure the support from pan-Arab democracy activists and others who share our hope for a just world.”

Yes, a just world where you are what your brother-in-law is, which may be a Jew, a gay, a Nazi, a secret Muslim terrorist, or in Julian's case, a total asshole.

And anti-Semitism isn't an archaic, outdated relic of an ignorant and tragic past, but the hottest new hashtag trending on Twitter.

Right after #CharlieSheenCokeWhores, of course!

Forget Russia, Sarah Palin Can Sue Sweden From Her Backyard!

Sarah Palin knows she has what it takes to be President of the bestest, most God blessed, freedom-lovingest country in the whole wide world, the United States of Jesus Christ's America, because unlike that no-good NObama, she knows how to sue evil, arugula-eating lamestream media blogs who leak her sensitive documents all over the Internets.

It's true!

I mean why can't the U.S. military simply stop every single one of its strictly heterosexual soldiers, like say, Palin's other oddly named non-special needs son Track, from leaking sensitive, classified documents to Wikileaks the way Sarah singlehandedly stopped the website Gawker from publishing unauthorized excerpts of her newest ghostwritten book ode to herself, America By Heart??

Probably because Sarah Palin is not currently commander-in-chief, duh! All you have to do is repeat on a respectable news site the same logic she attempted on Twitter, and viola! it almost makes sense:

Sarah Palin was able to get a federal judge this month to stop a website from publishing unauthorized excerpts of her book. Now, she wants to know why the White House couldn’t put the breaks on Sunday’s WikiLeaks document dump, Politico writes.

Hear that people? Sarah Palin's Twitter Account would like to know why exactly NObama's White House couldn't stop WikiLeaks release of 250,000 documents when she, Snow Goddess of Wasilla, was easily able to get a federal judge to stop Gawker from publishing terrible, embarrassingly written excerpts from her book several days before its release, with little more than a wink, growl and millions of dollars in legal fees.

“Inexplicable: I recently won in court to stop my book ‘America by Heart’ from being leaked," she tweeted, "but US Govt can't stop Wikileaks' treasonous act?”

By "stop" Sarah, of course, means "drop a predator drone missile on."

What is even more inexplicable, however, is that Constitutional scholar Sarah Palin doesn't seem to understand that while America may be her (and Jesus') favoritest country in the whole world who can smart bomb all the evil Muslims it wants anytime, anyplace, anywhere, sadly, its wonderful system of laws (including treason, the only crime defined in the Constitution) does not apply to other sovereign nations like Sweden, where the founder of WikiLeaks is located, because a foreigner cannot commit treason against the United States. That's reserved for citizens, and whatever Joe Lieberman is considered, only.

Whoops.

Oh and also, Sar, in America we have this little thing known as the “Freedom of the Press” which includes the right to be free from prior restraints aka oppressive censorship or stopping publications and communications before they even have a chance to reach the public.

So there you have it Sarah...that's why the black man can't do anything about this right now.

Inexplicable: Obama managed to have his Portuguese water dog Bo neutered, but SarahPalinUSA can't keep her dumb clan of grizzly cubs from spawning all over the place??

Please, please, dear God, let this woman become President so she can be in charge of all pointless wars everywhere, sue the dickens out of evil blogs like Gawker for freedom, and run our government the way it it is supposed to be run:

In 140-special-needs-characters or less. On Twitter...from her snow-covered back porch in the middle of the frozen Arctic tundra.

Oh, you betcha!