Why Is Michelle Obama Keeping Silvio At (Sun-Kissed) Arm's Length?

When he isn't humping meter maids and charming the pants off half the underage women in Italy, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi can't stop talking about his new, sun-kissed American friends, Barack and Michelle Obama.

"I bring you greetings from a person who is called...a person who is sun-tanned...Barack Obama," the smiling 72-year-old Italian Prime Minister told a crowd of cheering supporters in Milan on Sunday.

"You wouldn't believe it, but they go sunbathing at the beach together - his wife is also sun-tanned."

Since it is customary for world leaders to pay each other compliments on their skin tones, Berlusconi, whose year-round orange glow is as famous as his libido, obviously meant nothing offensive by his remarks, saying anyone who found it racist had no sense of humor and was an "imbecile."

At the weekend rally in Milan, Mr. Berlusconi told supporters of his People of Freedom party that his government had scored a number of successes since being elected last year, but one big win still eludes him: getting a hug and kiss and not just a lousy handshake from the sexy, tan American first lady with the strong arms Michelle Obama, like she gave to all the other world leaders.

Despite giving her the famous Silvio Berlusconi once-over, including a charming top-to-bottom eye-screw and throwing his hands up in apparent (creepy old man) delight, all he got from Michelle was a polite handshake delivered with all the excitement of reaching into a discarded box of AIDS-infected needles.

But despite Michelle Obama playing hard-to-get, Silvio said his rapport with America's first black president was "easy-going" and vowed to continue working with the G20 to "tackle the effects of the global economic crisis."

"And we have introduced a new element into Italian politics: morality," added Berlusconi, whose own life of purity has been tabloid fodder ever since his estranged wife accusing him of chasing actresses and showgirls young enough to be his granddaughters and hosting wild orgies with high-class prostitutes at his private mansion in Rome.

Nonsense. What's so wrong with bringing sexy back?

All The World's His Stage

London, Baby!

The Obamas arrived in London presumably to attend Thursday's G20 economic summit of world leaders, but everyone knows the real reason is so President Obama can make up for humiliating British Prime Minister Gordon Brown after his little gift-giving faux pas last month.

You'll have to excuse him--former community organizers aren't accustomed to such hoity-toity traditions. But rest assured, Obama now understands a box-set of DVDs is never an acceptable gift for visiting dignitaries, and a DVD box set given in the wrong format is akin to dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima.

So, while some 4,000 anarchists, anti-capitalists, environmentalists and other assorted pink-haired hell-raisers jammed into London's financial district to protest Thursday's evil G20 global economic summit, the real story was going down in Buckingham Palace.

There, President Obama and first lady Michelle charmed the royal family, including her majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, with exotic stories of their their humble, non-blue-blooded origins on the other side of the pond.

Determined not to repeat his earlier gift-gaffe and insult the entire English people, President Obama then presented the Queen with a gift sure to please even the most discriminating citizen of the United Kingdom.

A rare book of songs signed by "The King and I" composer Richard Rodgers (one of her all-time faves!), and an iPod loaded with video footage and photographs of the Queen's 2007 trip to the United States, as well as some of her Royal Highness' favorite easy listening music and show tune classics.

It was such a hit that even Barack was forced to admit Michelle might have been right about taking off Lil Wayne and Old Dirty Bastard after all.