Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Aaron Schock Bares His Chest To Show The World He Doesn't Need Hot Pink Shirts & Tight White Pants To Look Gay

You remember Aaron Schock don't you? The fuchsia gingham shirt-wearing, straight-as-your-hairdresser Republican congressman from Illinois who simply adores voting against the rights of poors, gays, and all other dumb, pathetic schlubs who don't spend endless hours breathing heavily next to other, sweaty, scantily-clad men all while working to perfect their very own ripped set of washboard abs to show off in magazine photo spreads.

Like, say, Men's Health, where America's youngest, fittest, most fabulously closeted congressman lost his shirt, gained some muscle mass, and struck a pose to help Americans not be such lazy, fat, good-for-nothing slobs who are too busy stuffing Big Macs into their mouths to stuff their big fat behinds into a bathing suit (and thank goodness for that!).

Because Aaron Schock cares deeply about America's collective ability to kill it in tight white man pants and fluorescent turquoise belt. And he won't rest his chiseled physique until every last man, women, and child does the Dougie with Michelle Obama looks as smokin' hot n 'buff in their birthday suit, string bikini and/or glistening, skin-tight speedo as Rep. Aaron Schock!

But how do the hot, hard-bodied House studs like Rep. Schock get so fit 'n fierce for their long, hard days cutting funds for poor people and children and redefining rape to place appropriate blame on the victim because the dumb bitch probably deserved it, amiright?

We'd always just assumed cocaine and repressed sexual desire! Which may still be true, but apparently, it is also this set of XTREME infomercial workout DVDs that is all the rage with congressional Republicans.

Sure, a bunch of sweaty, middle aged men in spandex panting around the teevee may sound kooky, and perhaps even slightly homoerotic, but if you end up looking like Aaron Schock, it might be worth a few hours of "bringing it" with Tony Horton's P90X.

But it's not like Schock is stripping down and baring the goods on front page spreads just because he's vain or wants to get laid, or anything like that.

He simply does it to shock and awe the nation into humiliation over their fat-asses, so they too can look hot 'n sexy in swim attire and appear shirtless on the cover of Men's Health, as part of the Fit for Life Summer Challenge.

Aaron Schock: buffing up America one body at a time!
Schock, 29, a freshman congressman from Peoria, Ill., is teaming up with the magazine for the Fit For Life Summer Challenge, and says you have to practice what you preach when it comes to proper diet and exercise.
Not so much when it comes to your own hideous (homo)sexuality!
"If you want to start talking about healthy lifestyles and staying in shape, then you yourself should do your best to try to be a model, an example to people you're trying to convince to do the same."
Like keeping your cute, clean-shaven, conservative, cross-training li'l behind deep in the closet where it belongs (along with that screaming gay sign called your congressional picnic outfit!), for starters.
Schock, who is single and a conservative Baptist, says he was headed down the wrong path himself at one point. "In college I could feel my body changing, and I knew that if I didn't make some changes, I was going to go in the wrong direction."
Straight into the nearest all-night leather bar and into the thick, bulging biceps of the bouncer Big Daddy Jim.

Which, for a conservative closet case like Aaron Schock, is still a helluva lot better than getting screwed by Uncle Sam.

XTREME? More like Schocking!

No comments: