Fox News Celebrates The Birth Of America By Tweeting The Death Of Obama

Howdy, America! While you were temporarily freed from the shackles of your office cubicle in order to patriotically guzzle beer, shove burgers into your mouth, and light sparkly red, white, and blue trinkets that explode in the sky in celebration of our nation's Independence from elitist accents, crumpets, bad teeth the British, Fox News was busy reminding us all why their network is the most freedom-loving, fair & balanced, trusted name in news by falsely tweeting that President Obama was assassinated.

Oh wait, turns out much like Anthony Weiner's weiner, they too can't say with "certitude" if the obscene Tweets in question were in fact their own, or the fiendish work of some devilish hackers who coincidentally decided to declare war on the tyranny of Fox News JURNLIZM on the very day our forefathers declared war on the tyranny of the British colonial rule some 235 years ago by announcing the (hilarious?) death of our 44th president.

Which is sort of a creepy joke to make, huh? But how did everyone know these Tweets (aka Fox News' wet dreams in 140 characters) were indeed faker than Glenn Beck's gold coins?

Certainly, they were consistent with Fox News' policy of reporting nothing but the non-truth, the whole non-truth, and nothing but the non-truth, so help them God!

After all, Obama wasn't in Iowa as the posts said, NOR IS HE DEAD.

A group, vaguely aligned with Anonymous and calling itself the Script Kiddies, (for those who don't live in their parent's basements writing code, "script kiddies" is a pejorative term for wannabe hackers) claimed responsibility for hacking the Fox News Twitter account, saying the group was formed to take part in the anti-security industry movement "antisec."

As to why the group chose Fox News:

"We are looking to find information about corporations to assist with antisec," said the Script Kiddies representative. "Fox News was selected because we figured their security would be just as much of a joke as their reporting,"

Ooops! Guess they shouldn't have used 'NOBAMA DIE' as their password. Gosh, didn't Sarah Palin teach them anything???

Naturally, Fox News did everything it could to stop this vicious rumor from further spreading, except of course take down the Tweets in question, either because they don't know how, or it's just nice to dream sometimes, and vowed to investigate the incident.

“Hackers sent out several malicious and false Tweets claiming that President Obama had been assassinated. Those reports are incorrect, of course, and the president is spending the July 4 holiday with his family. The hacking is being investigated, and FoxNews.com regrets any distress the false Tweets may have created.”

Yes, Fox regrets any distress caused by the President continuing to be alive. Apologies to everybody. What they do not regret however is the resulting gazillion clicks on their website, likely from the grief-stricken joyous Fox News viewers desperately seeking that elusive certificate of live birth death.

Ya know, for certitude.

Woohoo, America! Celebrate 4th Of July Knowing 74% Of Your Fellow Patriots Know Our Humiliation Of The British Started 234 Years Before This Year’s World Cup!

Howdy America! It is that blissful time of year when Americans of all stripes red, white, and blue stripes only gather together to stuff burgers 'n brats in their pie holes, throw back some ice cold brewskies, and watch multi-colored pyrotechnic lights explode in the night sky for freedom.

And what better time to show the world the kind of bright shining (mental) stars we, Americans, truly are than posing the incredibly difficult, brain-busting question: "From which country did the United States win its independence?" on our favoritest, freedomiest Fourth of July holiday?

Surely, the pollsters over at Marist University (along with the rest of the arugula-eating lamestream media elites) were giggling with delight at the hilarious prospect of fat, patriotic jumpsuit-wearing 'mericans with mustard dribbling down their chins actually coming up with a coherent answer that doesn't make us want to rip our hair from our scalps and/or put an American-made steel bullet right between our sparkling blue eyes.

But lo and behold, turns out a whopping 74% of Americans, or three-quarters of all citizens, actually know the U.S. declared its independence from...wait for it...Great Britain. In 1776, no less!

Ugh, so much for the whole "America is a bunch of dumb freaks" angle!

But seriously, SEVENTY-FOUR PERCENT is practically inconceivable considering most folks can't name anything that doesn't involve a side of super-sized fries or deep fried Twinkies.

Wooohooo! USA! USA! USA!

Sure, 26% failed to correctly identify Great Britain as America's colonial master and the country the United States fought an eight-year war with to gain its independence, but still!

I mean, to begin with a good 10 percent of the population probably can't spell their own name, let alone name which colonial Motherland America had to overthrow for the freedom to export freedom-fried potatoes to poor, oil-rich nations throughout the world. Pandora??

Let's say another 5% (at least) are just plain ol' crazy people who think America was founded somewhere around 75 million years ago when the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy Xenu brought billions of humans to Earth, stacked them in volcanoes, and blew them up using hydrogen bombs or maybe even Fourth of July fireworks. No one knows for sure.

And it's probably safe to assume the remaining 11% of respondents were pissed that some stupid pollster from some no-name "University" interrupted them during dinner to ask them a single, asinine question and answered “the United States won its independence from the country of 'My Big Old Butt'" before promptly slamming down the receiver.

But, other than this, everyone else got the question right!


This is no small feat, my fellow Americans!

For the most part, Americans hate being well-read, shudder at hoity-toity academic things like gross books, and take pride in being ignorant dunces, who know nothing of the world unless it has the word sea in front of it.

Yet, by some incredible twist of fate, the U.S of A has somehow gotten most of its comatose citizenry to learn (and retain!) a historical factoid that doesn't have to do with Snooki or LOL cats doing something hilariously human-like such as skateboard or play the piano. HAHAHAHAHA, just thinking about leaves me in stitches!

So, America, the next time you see drunken middle-aged white men with beer bellies hanging out of their jeans trying to figure out how to light something (be it a pocket rocket or Webber grill) this Fourth o' July weekend, instead of getting depressed or cynical at the state of our glorious, saturated fat-clogged brain challenged nation, think of this poll and let yourself swell with patriotic pride instead.

And wave that flag with your head up and chin held high.

Just watch out for the still sizzling fireworks and polish sausages. Those babies burn and we don't need flaming flags illuminating America's backyards from coast to coast.

That would be gay and that is, of course, the complete opposite of America!

And P.S., for that 26% who don't know, America won its independence from a once-powerful land called Old Country Buffet.

Sarah Palin's Not-At-All-Sketchy Decision To Abandon Alaska

The Fourth of July is supposed to be all about patriotic celebration, with plenty of food, family, fun and fireworks. But nooooooo. Alaskan floozy Sarah Palin had to go and ruin it for everyone by announcing she is quitting her illustrious non-job as governor of our beloved 49th state. She must really hate America to drop a bomb like this on our Independence Day, of all times! For shame, Sarah! Have you no decency?

But what's behind our fair ice queen's rash decision to quit being governor of the frozen tundra and Russian buffer of Alaska THREE-AND-A-HALF YEARS before the next presidential election? Certainly her decision was based on more than just sheer lunacy, right?

Hmmm, let's take a look:

• Is Mama Bear Palin's getting ready to welcome another little cub into the mix? One that she can give a bizarre name to, parade around town, and then spend the rest of her days trying to tear the heart out of anyone who dares utter a word about her sweet little miracle of God? Let's just hope this one doesn't end up like Bristol...

• Sarah Palin's brother knows the real reason why lovely sister Sarah called it quits. She was sick and tired of spending "80 percent of her time defending herself" from the evil Media. Which must mean she didn't feel like shrieking at late-night comedians and mean-spirited photoshopping bloggers for wanting daughter Willow raped and special-needs baby Trig murdered, respectively. Screaming for weeks at a time can be so exhausting!

• Perhaps some sort of BIG, about-to-break scandal has sent Sarah suddenly packing? Something nice and juicy involving Sarah and her snow-mobiling, secessionist husband Todd steering lucrative state contracts to a well-connected company, Spenard Building Supplies, in exchange for innocent thank you's like their kick-ass home on pristine Lake Lucille in 2002? Not our sweet Sarah. That Alaskan maverick is gonna clean up ol' Washington once and for all! You betcha' she is!

• Nasty Neocon God Charles Krauthammer told Fox News that Palin is not a serious candidate for Republicans because she's dumber than rocks and any real GOP contender has to actually understand the issues and stop speaking in cliches and platitudes because it just plain looks bad. No foolin' neither!

• Could it be that Sarah's out of the game? Gasp! According to this nasty rumor, Sarah Palin is not running for anything, ever, and that she’s “out of politics for good." Uh-oh. Did Papa Krauthammer push delicate Sarah's last buttons? Or maybe she finally got the hint?? Eh, probably not.

I say the best guess from Palin's "rambling and sometimes confusing" resignation speech is pretty much no one knows what the hell she's doing, least of all the woman herself. She'll finish her book, go promote it in the "lower 48" aka fake America hell, spend time with her (growing?) family, give paid speeches, fundraise for the GOP, talk with folks, and who knows, maybe even consider a national run. Or just a regular one around the old Wasilla jogging trail. Hell, maybe she'll just go back to school. Didn't really stick the first time around.