Louisiana Rep. John Fleming Shocked To Learn Onion's "Abortionplex" Story Is Fake; Rest Of Nation Shocked That Someone From Louisiana Can Actually Read

Wingnut Republican Representative from Louisiana John Fleming was soooooo busy bitching about feeding his apparently very hungry family on his slave wage of $6.3 million a year that he completely missed the not exactly subtle point that The Onion is a satirical publication, meaning it is a joke, not real, is fake, and is meant to provide some light-hearted entertainment to go along with your morning coffee and the real, less hilarious news of death, war, and global economic collapse.

Which must be why he made the *all-too-common (*for morons) mistake of thinking The Onion's article on Planned Parenthood's new $8 Billion Abortionplex, a sweet state-of-the-art fetus-killing facility complete with coffee shops, bars, dozens of restaurants and retail outlets, a three-story nightclub, and a 10-screen multiplex theater to make aborting that li'l miracle of God a more pleasant, socially enjoyable experience, was real and imploring all his Facebook followers to join him in his typically male, typically Republican, typically pro-life (until birth) outrage.

Whoopsies!

Good thing someone must've informed ol' John Fleming that Kansas' alleged Abortion MegaMall was actually a joke only a retarded person would believe to be true because he quickly deleted his Facebook post before it made him “seem like” an idiot.

Sort of like how his views on everything makes him "seem like" an asshole. Wait, or was it Republican? I can never remember the difference!

The moral of the story is that while Planned Parenthood isn't offering wholesale abortions of fetuses, Louisiana Republicans are in fact offering wholesale abortions of frontal lobes.

South Dakota Hopes To Increase Tourism By Legalizing Abortion (Doctor Murder)

While the big, bad gubmint pokes its no-good, grubby paws all over good, decent, hardworking American's constitutional right to get fleeced by insurance companies while battling cancer, freedom 'n Jesus-loving legislators in America's heartland are working overtime to make sure their citizens are protected from the Socialist threat of Uncle Sam, and finding their own common-sense solutions to some of the nation's most pressing problems.

In South Dakota, that of course means figuring out the best way to legalize murder, or at least when it comes to those pesky doctors always trying to abort precious li'l miracles (of drunken regret, incestuous rape, forced penetration, and otherwise) gestating comfortably inside your daughter, mother, wife or other female kin.

And since we all know that everyone in South Dakota is already rather closely related, this basically means that any ol' South Dakotan with a gun in his pocket and bun in his woman's oven can pretty much go around shooting doctors whenever he so much as perceives his unborn child is being threatened, thanks to a new bill by state representative and unsung hero of the unborn, Phil Jensen.

Oh, what, you really thought South Dakota was just gonna sit around Mount Rushmore and let Arizona steal all the sexy psycho spotlight!?

The bill, sponsored by state Rep. Phil Jensen, a committed foe of abortion rights, alters the state’s legal definition of justifiable homicide by adding language stating that a homicide is permissible if committed by a person “while resisting an attempt to harm” that person’s unborn child or the unborn child of that person’s spouse, partner, parent, or child. If the bill passes, it could in theory allow a woman’s father, mother, son, daughter, or husband to kill anyone who tried to provide that woman an abortion—even if she wanted one.

Well I should certainly hope so! I mean, since when do silly women know anything about anything, let alone what is best for their own dumb bodies!?

But, thanks to the wonderful work of state Republicans, not only is South Dakota well on its merry way to making abortion as illegal as is constitutionally allowed following Roe v. Wade, but now all of South Dakota can feel safe and secure knowing that microscopic sacs of cells have more rights than fully grown, fully developed adult humans. Just like Jesus intended.

"The bill in South Dakota is an invitation to murder abortion providers," said Vicki Saporta, the president of the National Abortion Federation. "This is not an abstract bill."

Good thing, considering eight doctors (or baby killers as they're more commonly known in South Dakota) have already been murdered (or as they prefer, divinely aborted) at the hands of crazed anti-abortion nutjobs since 1993, and another 17 have been the victims of murder attempts, with many of the "pro-life" perps pleading the ol' 'justifiable homicide' defense at their trials.

According to the South Dakota Campaign for Healthy Families, "The measure could have major implications if a misguided extremist invokes this 'self-defense' statute to justify the murder of a doctor, nurse or volunteer."

As if any justification is necessary in these parts!

All that needs to be done now is require all fetuses to carry a handgun at all times to really stop the senseless murder of precious li'l embryos of amniotic fluid and cells, while they're still in the womb and actually worth a damn.

Lord knows, it's all downhill after that.

Burst out of that vaginal canal and it's every fetus for itself! The nine-month free ride is over!

They become as worthless and expendable as Women, Gays, Mexicans, and other vulnerable, non pint-sized schlubs who deserve the same rights and protections as anyone else.

Anyone still connected to a placenta, that is.

House Republicans' New Bill Offers Variety Of Helpful Hints On Proper (Federally Funded!) Ways To Be Raped

Ah, Republicans. The kind of wonderful, caring, Constitution-loving individuals who know that when life hands you lemons, say, by getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your drunkard father, Jesus wants you to make lemon meringue pie in the form of Sharron Angle's special, secret homemade recipe for coping with unspeakable tragedy (psst: it's called insanity!).

But if you can't handle the heat, get your ass out of the kitchen, as some enlightened Republicans and assorted other spicy fruit flavors of far right teabaggers are so very fond of saying! Legislatively speaking, of course!

Which is simply amazing! Err, unless, you happen to be one of the hapless harlots dumb enough to get raped, incested, or otherwise unwittingly left with a bun in the oven, and would like to maybe get some federal assistance to help pay for the abortion costs.

Haha, sorry sweet tits!

Thanks to House Republicans' latest legislative push through the congressional chambers to help regulate what women across America ought to be permitted to push through their own feminine chambers, Uncle Sam's coiffers will (God-willing!) be slammed shut in the very near future.

It is called the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act," and it is a top priority in John Boehner's newer, brighter, glowing orange House, because it protects your precious federal money from funding wayward sluts who have subjected themselves to rape, lest they be one of the lucky li'l ladies who've been "forcibly raped," which naturally doesn't include a woman who was drugged or date raped.

Those bitches were soooooo asking for it!

So remember to heed the wise words of the Republican Party. Next time you are raped, just make sure that you have full mental capacities, have not been drugged (look alive, woman!), and please, please make sure the guy is doing it really hard, preferably like a deranged jackhammer hard! Because everyone, or at least House Republicans, know that rape is only really rape if it involves force. And plenty of it!

Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes. “There are a lot of aspects of rape that are not included,” Laurie Levenson says.
As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.

Oh yeah, and statutory rape. Like say, if a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion, thanks to the diligent efforts of 173 mostly Republican men, fortunate enough to not have the reproductive organs necessary for forced penetration & impregnation, like silly women who are weak and stupid.

Hooray!

"This bill takes us back to a time when just saying 'no' wasn't enough to qualify as rape," says Steph Sterling, a lawyer and senior adviser to the National Women's Law Center.

Ah yes, the good old days!

But some like Donna Crane, the policy director of NARAL Pro-Choice America, say that making the "already narrow exceptions for public funding of abortion care for rape and incest survivors even more restrictive is unbelievably cruel and heartless."

Oooh, Jesus would be so proud!

"This bill goes far beyond current law," says Democratic Rep. Diana DeGette of Colorado, a co-chair of the congressional pro-choice caucus. "The re-definition of the rape exception is only one element of an extreme bill that pro-abortion rights groups believe would lead to the end of private health insurance coverage for abortion."

Take that Socialist baby killers!

Of course, if you have any additional suggestions of types of rape that House Republicans can cruelly and wantonly carve out of medical/legal protection next, or are just curious when they are finally going to pass a law granting the rapist full naming and paternal rights over the baby the victim is forced to have, please do not hesitate to let the Republican Study Committee know. They can't wait to hear from you!

***Disclaimer:*** Women and those under the age of 18 are prohibited from contacting their congressmen without proper supervision by a qualified male, equipped with the adequate testosterone levels and reasoning skills to make informed, intelligent decisions about what a woman should and should not do with her body.

$arah Palin's Bringin' Sexy Back To Women By Takin' Sexytime Rights Away From 'Em!

Fearless defender of a pure white America free from gross brown people, and a woman's right to cede control of her own reproductive organs to the evil, federal government, $arah Palin is on a one-woman mission from God.

A divinely-inspired mission which includes a variety of personal incentives for the 'Cuda, like seven-figure paydays, several doctored interviews on the teevee, some awesome ghostwritten speeches from her hand, and of course, many ruined lives and slaughtered carcasses along the way.

Hooray!!

Most recently, $arah's brilliant quest to restore greatness to once-proud America came in the form of defending Aryanzona's awesome new law making it illegal to be a person of suspicious color (brown) while residing in their parched, cacti-dotted desert paradise, unless the chocolatey hue happens to be a temporary side-effect from your two-week vacation somewhere warm 'n exotic, so long as it isn't disgusting Mexico.

Same goes for those hoity-toity, college educated, arugula-eating liberal elitists who suddenly decided to boycott Arizona all because of one little Nazi law that doesn't hurt anybody (or at least not anybody important and white).

"It's time for Americans across this great country to stand up and say, 'We're all Arizonans now,'" Palin said. "And in clear unison we say, 'Mr. President: Do your job. Secure our border.'"

Hear that NObama?

Either you build a 5,000 mile long magical fence that instantly solves all our problems (using no federal funds, of course) or shut your stinkin' trap about "civil rights," "discrimination," and/or the supposed danger of using fear and misinformation to create unconstitutional (White Power?) laws targeting those whose dark hues do not come from fun-and-sun-filled vacays at Club Med.

"Our purpose today is to help the rest of the nation understand the crisis which confronts our state," Jan Brewer said, citing the presence of human and drug smugglers, not to mention those two dingbats running for Senate, crazy old man McCain and that nutjob JD Hayworth ridin' his tail.

The tough immigration law takes effect July 29 and requires police enforcing another law to ask a person about his or her immigration status if there's "reasonable suspicion" that the person is in the country illegally (aka are they wearing a sombrero, maids outfit, holding a leafblower, and/or driving a landscaper truck blasting La Bamba and packed to the gills with darkies?). Naturally, being in the country illegally would become a state crime.

"I think for most American people the reaction to this would be, 'Why haven't the police already been doing that?'" Palin said.

Like, duh!

I mean is it really that hard? Just round up all the browns using the scent of tacos or re-fried beans, a trail of soccer balls, and voila! It's adiós America and ¡Hola! Mexicanland, or wherever it is that human jumping border beans come from.

Both Brewer and Palin refused to say whether they'd support a guest worker program that would allow unskilled workers to temporarily work legally in the United States.

Likely because neither knows what the hell that means but then again, being ignorant and clueless has never really stopped 'em before. They have, however, heard the word unskilled several times. Can't really put their finger on why or where exactly, though...

While President Obama and numerous city, state and foreign governments have condemned Arizona's new SS law, which critics say will lead to racial profiling of Hispanics, Gov. Brewer reiterated her assertion that profiling is illegal and will not be tolerated, despite the entire law being based on this very practice!

"The president apparently considers it a wonderful opportunity to divide people along racial lines for his personal political convenience," Brewer said, apparently confusing herself with a certain current President of the United States. An honest mistake anyone could make!

Arizona Democratic Party spokeswoman Jennifer Johnson said Brewer's the one who has divided people, which she's done by signing controversial bills, and "puts her political survival first every single day."

"Every word she said today was crafted with her Republican primary in mind," Johnson said. "Arizona is just an afterthought."

Kinda like a certain precious miracle of God that rhymes with pig but shall otherwise remain nameless.

Citing her own experiences, Sarah admitted that she understood how some women might consider abortion, like when "for a fleeting moment" she considered having an abortion when she learned of her son Trig's prognosis.

Well thankfully our li'l ice princess soon realized the truth: that abortion is morally wrong and women should carry a fetus to term, no ifs, ands, or buts about it!

"It may not be the easiest path, but it's always the right path," she said.

ALWAYS! FOR EVERYONE! EVERY TIME! WITHOUT EXCEPTION, NO MATTER WHAT!

She did it, now the rest of you are also going to have your babies, whether you like it or not, got it gals?

Ever hear of a little thing called grrrrrl power?

But you betcha keeping gross illegals out of the U.S.of A, and surprise fetuses in the womb, isn't the only issue on $arah's rather large, meat-filled, buffet style plate.

Miss Alaska is also taking her bad, leather jacket sportin' self on the road, across real (rural) America to help elect real, conservative women who know how to field dress a moose (and deadbeat ex-boyfriends of slutty daughters), and restore intelligent, sound policy ideas like drill, baby drill! and live, fetus live! back to elitist ol' Washington, DC.

Palin challenged Republican women, or "mama grizzlies" as she calls 'em to help the GOP "take this country back" by electing lawmakers who want to turn the clock back on rights for anyone who is not a white, male landowner.

"You don't want to mess with moms who are rising up," Palin said. "If you thought pit bulls were tough, you don't want to mess with mama grizzlies."

You betcha, they'll rip your freakin' head clean off your neck! And then toss the delicious remains on the barbie 'cause why else would God make meat?

$arah then read a few more lies from her hand about Obama's health care plan to murder Grandma and special needs babies across America, and had a few choice words for the evil lamestream media for destroying her perfect daughter Bristol's pristine reputation as the knocked-up high school daughter of pure Alaskan royalty.

"Choosing life was the right road, the right choice. ... It hasn't been easy and society, culture sure hasn't been easy on her," Palin said. "Wow, our culture and our media has made it rough on her."

What with all the money and publicity and perks and privileges they so rudely thrust on her, forcing her to be all rich and famous and make videos urging people to pause before having sex and getting an abortion, if their families aren't rich and famous like hers, but instead gross and poor like lots o' other families.

She said some young women would see what happened to Bristol and perhaps be encouraged to seek an abortion instead of facing similar criticism for being a dumb whore who can't keep her hooha zipped up long enough to graduate high school without having to eat for two.

Casting herself as a victim of a liberal media and elite academics, poor, misunderstood $arah said, "Some of them refused to admit I'm even a woman."

Ya know, cause women are usually sweet 'n nice, and don't try to destroy other women who actually use their brains, or don't take advantage of the fact that they too have fertile wombs, ample lactating breasts, and other fun baby makin' parts! 

Perhaps if she put on some lipstick and an apron, we wouldn't be so confused. Or actually helped women do anything other than keep unwanted buns in their ovens, or appear as targets in her election crosshairs to be unseated by real, Republican women who aren't afraid of getting their hands dirty (with oil, baby oil!) or donning a white hood and robe from time to time when shoving more than a few Democratic women out of the way.

America's newest FemiNAZI Sarah Palin knows all about the "new feminist movement" with an “emerging conservative feminist identity” of being both hateful and mindblowingly stupid while collectin' moose piles o' money from the good, God-fearin' folks in small, rural communities throughout the Lower 48.

"I kinda feel a connection to that tough, gun totin’ pioneer feminism," $arah said.

"For far too long, when people heard the word feminist, they thought of the faculty lounge at some East Coast woman’s college," she said.

Which everyone knows is really just code for big ol' man-hating dykes. 

“And no offense to them, they have their opinions and their voice and God bless ‘em, that’s great, but that’s not the only voice of women in America.”

There's the shrill, ignorant, semi-educated voices too! What about them, huh?

Of course, some of the pioneering feminists in Democratic politics (ahem, Lesbos) aren't as enamored of sweet Sarah or her unique brand of fosterin' women's rights by slowly dissolving them for personal political gain. Not to mention monetary!

“She tries to have it both ways,” said former Rep. Patricia Schroeder (D-Colo.), who made a brief run for president in 1987. “If you remember when she first got the vice president nomination she talked about reaching out to Geraldine Ferraro, trying to tie herself into that legacy. Now she’s going to go get blood on her teeth, go out there and growl at them.”

What else would you expect mama grizzlies to do? Rub and cuddle and sing soft lullabies?

“Those women have been out there making the hard decisions for the country and she decided to bail rather than make those hard decisions,” she added, referring to Palin’s decision to resign as governor of Alaska before the end of her term.

Well, excuuuuuuse her for having a Facebook page to run! Ugh, silly women and their jealousy!

Another Democratic trailblazer, former Rep. Elizabeth Holtzman (D-N.Y.), who is currently running for state attorney general in New York, says Palin’s targeting of other women is particularly egregious because of how she landed on the national stage.

“She was elected, she was promoted, she was given the opportunity to run for vice president because she was a woman. Somewhere inside, there should be something that says, ‘don’t kick them in the teeth, don’t look down on other women,’” said Holtzman.

Unless that something happens to be a li'l bundle of joy, I'm afraid Miss Palin lacks that particular quality known as empathy of which you speak.
 
“It certainly doesn’t help the cause of trying to get more women in Congress now, because I think as a whole I think we do a good job of working together, the women members,” Rep. Betsy Markey (D-Colo.) told POLITICO.

“What Sarah Palin is doing simply doesn’t promote the idea that as women we all work together, whether you’re a Democrat or a Republican.”

Unless you mean working together to deny people rights. Because no one cooperates quite like sweet $arah when it comes to dividing people or duping the public into one big, Get $arah Rich Quick scheme.

According to Marjorie Dannenfelser, president of the Susan B. Anthony List, a group dedicated to electing women who oppose abortion rights, "The fact that women feel a little bit more likely now to be able to look feminine...is a great thing, because it means that at least we’re not trying to be the same people anymore. We know that we’re different, we know that we’re equal."

'Cept when it comes to the color of our skin (brown ladies scram!), having control over our own bodies (father knows best!), or in the wonderwoman from Wasilla's case, an IQ functioning above the level of a wanderin', five-colleges-in-five-years drifter with no skills to speak of other than squeezing out almost as much cold, hard cash from the American people as warm, soft miracles from her still-smokin' hot bod.

Welcome to the new Feminist Mystique, Mama Grizzly style!

Bristol Palin's Very Important Public Service Announcement Warning Poor People To Pause Before Having Abortions

Hey America, it's me, Bristol coming to you live (and most certainly edited) to give you, the public, a very important public service announcement about what happens when you, the bored daughter of Alaskan royalty, decide to get drunk and make maverick (aka no jimmy hat) sexytime with hotty boy toy Levi Johnston in the back of Papa Todd's pickup.

Now, imagine for a moment, if you were not the famous daughter of Alaskan legend $arah Palin, and didn't have moose piles of money layin' around, and your hair went from being silky smooth and beautiful to ugly and frizzy, and all your decorative animal carcass furniture was magically taken away by invisible, probably liberal, hands??

Then maybe you too would think twice (which is one more than once!) about whippin' out the hooha every time Levi gets a hankerin' and mom's off shootin' mammals or makin' a quick buck in the mainland.

Or you my li'l pistol, may find yourself miserable and alone, wearing a plain white t-shirt with no fancy designer labels, and nothing but a ratty sofa and precious li'l miracle of Jesus to call your own.

So please America, take it from Bristol and PAUSE BEFORE YOU PLAY...

Then feel free to have tons of meaningless, unprotected sex, and if you're gross, and not famous, and also pathetically poor, probably go ahead and have that abortion too.

Or keep your precious li'l miracle of one drunken night of bad judgment, use Mommy's money to launch your very own one-woman abstinence-only crusade (encouraging people to do the opposite of what you did), and remain the famously unwed teenage mother of the next weirdo-named (accidental) heir to the Alaskan throne.

For freedom!

The Dirty Dozen: Bart Stupak's Life-Loving Dreams Murdered By Life-Hating Democrats

Democratic hell Representative and fearless defender of unborn fetuses in fertile wombs across America, Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Mich.) is suddenly feeling even smaller than the li'l bundles of prenatal joy he tries his very hardest to protect.

After playing a starring role in aborting the Democrats' health care bill over federal funding of the societal cancer known as a woman's right to choose, Bart Stupak of Michigan is feeling a wee bit "left out" now that his fellow DEMONcrats have decided to forge ahead without his enlightened views relating to the ovary-filled, emotional descendants of Eve.

"They're ignoring me," Stupak told National Review Online while sitting alone and depressed in a corner. "That's their strategy now. The House Democratic leaders think they have the votes to pass the Senate's health-care bill without us. At this point, there is no doubt that they've been able to peel off one or two of my twelve. And even if they don't have the votes, it's been made clear to us that they won't insert our language on the abortion issue."

And by "us" Bart Stupak of course is referring to the lovable "Stupak dozen," the twelve anti-abortion Democrats in the House, some of whom are now abandoning the sinking Republican ship of "no," to hop aboard the good ship Democrat and vote "yes" instead. Good-for-nothin' traitors!

Luckily, Stupendous Mr. Stupak is not budging. No sir-ee! Not one single dilated inch.

While Nazi Pelosi and other Democrats like that Bully Barry may have been successful in convincing "one or two" of his dirty dozen to vote for the sinful bill, Stupak insists, "I am a definite 'no' vote. I didn't cave. The others are having both of their arms twisted and we're all getting pounded by our traditional Democratic supporters, like unions."

Ummm, word of advice, Bart. Try to avoid using the word pounding unless your name is Emeril Lagasse or you don't mind sounding like a total gaylord.

But either way, Stupak and Co.'s hijacking of the health bill has hit somewhat of a snag in recent days, with House Democrats unwilling to kill the bill over Stupak's 12-man right-to-life wrecking crew.

"I really believe that the Democratic leadership is simply unwilling to change its stance," he said.

"Their position says that women, especially those without means available, should have their abortions covered," adding that their arguments "are a pretty sad commentary on the state of the Democratic party."

Really makes you miss the good old days when all you needed was an abandoned ally, a rusty hanger, and viola! no more unwanted buns in the oven to worry about.

But Stupak is very worried because if ObamaCare passes and Americans actually get the chance to not negligently die so that insurance companies can buy diamond-encrusted toilets of gold, Stupid Stupak thinks it could signal the end of any meaningful role for pro-life Democrats within their own party.

Hahahahaha, as if they were ever the slightest bit meaningful!

That's almost as ridiculous as those Log Cabin idiots in the GOP who think that aligning themselves with the Party that equates their sexual preferences with those who enjoy the four-legged barnyard kind of love, makes them any less abominable or any more deserving of actual human rights.

"It would be very, very hard for someone who is a right-to-life Democrat to run for office," he said.

"I won’t leave the party. I’m more comfortable here and still believe in a role within it for the right-to-life cause, but this bill will make being a pro-life Democrat much more difficult. They don’t even want to debate this issue. We’ll probably have to wait until the Republicans take back the majority to fix this."

Now, that's the pathetic, broken-down, Stockholm Syndrome Democrat, who just can't wait one more second for their Republican S&M masters to dominate and abuse them, that we've been waiting for!

"Throughout this debate, even when the House leaders have acknowledged us, it’s always been in a backhanded way," he said. "I'm telling the others to hold firm, and we’ll meet next week, but I’m disappointed in my colleagues who said they’d be with us and now they’re not. It’s almost like some right-to-life members don’t want to be bothered. They just want this over."

Ha ha, if you thought 9 months was a long time, try dealing with Stupak for over a year.

"This has really reached an unhealthy stage," Stupak complained. "People are threatening ethic complaints on me. On the left, they’re really stepping it up. Every day, from Rachel Maddow to the Daily Kos, it keeps coming. Does it bother me? Sure. Does it change my position? No."

He might not have a vagina or uterus in the traditional sense, but that doesn't stop him from assuming he understands everything that comes along with having female reproductive parts. Or thinking those who do should have sovereignty over their anatomy.

"...Money is their hang-up. Is this how we now value life in America? If money is the issue — come on, we can find room in the budget. This is life we’re talking about."

Which, by GOP standards, starts precisely at the moment of conception and ends the very second the little rascal slips out of mama's belly, and takes its first, glorious oxygen-rich breath of life.

Then screw 'em, the little bugger's on its own!

Harold Ford Jr., and Michael Steele Break Out The Big Guns Down in Little Rock

OMG, did you hear the news? The once-in-a-century reason to visit Arkansas (not flee in a panic) has finally arrived. And then, like a ghost in the night, it was gone. Poof!

In case you missed THE political death match for the ages--Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele squaring off against former Tennessee Rep. and current carpetbagger extraordinaire, Harold Ford, Jr., at the University of Arkansas--fear not, my friends!

All the excitement that was "Left, Right, and Forward: On the Future of America" can still be yours, thanks to the magical land of tubes known as the Internets! Yay!

"As prominent leaders representing both sides of the political spectrum, Harold Ford Jr. and Michael Steele will engage the audience in the most hot-button issues that will shape our nation's future," director of the school's Office of Campus Life Jan Austin said. "Anyone with an interest in politics and in the future of the country will want to attend."

Or any of the dozens of other speaking engagements the two have collaborated on to inform Americans (and get paid fool!) around the country over the past two years. Take your pick.

Luckily, Ford and Steele (wait, are you sure this isn't an auto industry promo?) were paid quite handsomely for their services ($20k each), which is good because poor Harold Ford was forced to take a leave of absence from Merrill-Lynch in order to campaign, relying solely on a measly teaching gig at NYU and lowly MSNBC pundit wages to "put food on the table." Oh, the hardship!

Of course, money ain't no thang when you're big pimpin' RNC Chairman Michael "Mo' Money" Steele. No one rolls phat and large like the Steele man, no one. For reals yo!

But the two, often controversial, brothas from opposing ends of the political spectrum found time for a few lighthearted moments during their more than 90 minute debate, sparring on everything from health care and taxes to abortion and assorted other fun issues of the day.

Like when Steele bashed President Obama's plan to let the Bush tax cuts expire for families who make more than $250,000.

"Trust me, after taxes, a million dollars is not a lot of money," Steele said. Puh-lease!

Of course Ford pretended to disagree, lest he seem like a giant fraud or something, asking the audience, "Who in here makes a million dollars a year?"

Boo-ya!

But when no hands shot up, Steele jumped in with the save.

"How many of you want to make a million dollars a year?"

Awww, snap! Steele in da house!

The two also disagreed over the recent Citizens United Supreme Court decision, which cleared the way for corporations to spend directly in U.S. political campaigns.

While Ford panned the move as a "a win for very monied interests," Steele took his Grand Old Party's ridiculous "Free Speech" view of the decision, doing away with years of federal campaign finance law in one fell 5-4 swoop.

"If the people see an ad that's run by a corporation that they don't like, they'll let them know," Steele said.

Damn right! They'll simply write a nice letter asking them very politely to stop injecting millions of dollars (or as much as they jolly well please) into federal election campaigns.

Since the Supreme Court's decision effectively transforms a corporation into "a real live boy," complete with personality, free-speech rights and the unprecedented opportunity to drown the American body politic in a tidal wave of dirty money and suspect motives, why wouldn't these adorable, new corporate Pinocchios be responsive to the wants and needs of the common (non-wooden) man?

Heavens forbid their noses grow too long! Then they might be forced to use some of their money to pick a plastic surgeon instead of a president (gasp!). Poor babies!

Republicans Keeping It Classy Per Usual

Oh, nothing unusual. Just your average Republican Rep. from Kansas (where else?) Todd Tiahrt ranting against Obama's health care plan with the airtight argument that if health care covered abortions, Obama's mom might have aborted him.

Luckily, Todd understands what Obama and the rest of those socialist Democrats don't--that low-income mothers of African-Americans, like President Barack Obama and Justice Clarence Thomas, would have aborted their children, if only given the opportunity to have a free, government-funded abortion. Oooh enticing!

"There is a financial incentive that would be put in place, paid for by tax dollars, that would encourage single parents, living below the poverty level, to have the opportunity for a free abortion. If you take that scenario and apply it to many of the great minds we have today, who would we have been deprived of? Our President grew up in those similar circumstances. If that financial incentive was in place, is it possible that his mother might have taken advantage of it? Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice, if those circumstances were in place, is it possible that we’d have been denied his great mind?"

Possible sure. Everyone has the right to dream.

Following Abortion Ban, Sales Of Hangers Surge In North Dakota

Why Should South Dakota Have All The Fun?

North Dakota, the shining star of progress and enlightenment in America, just passed a law effectively banning abortion in the state.

In a 51-41 vote on Wednesday, North Dakota’s House of Representatives passed a bill that gives a fertilized egg all the same rights as a person, meaning a fetus could not be legally aborted without committing murder.

Which is good because murder is a sin. And the people of North Dakota hate sin. All 600,000 of them. But wanna know what they do love? Churches.

And forfeiting their reproductive rights over to ovary-less elected representatives who think babies come from the big miracle farm in the sky. Not drunken teenage regrets behind the neighbor's barn.

Hi, I'm Rep. Dan Ruby And Your Eggs Are Mine!

Straight-Edge Amazon Says Game Over To RapeLay

Since the world is not violent and disturbing enough, the wizards over at Japanese gaming company Illusionsoft thought a nice, simple rape game might help spice up the market. Give the kids a good time! I mean there's only so many cars to jack, prostitutes to beat, and cops to kill before even that gets dull and boring.

Welcome to RapeLay, where you play a Japanese sex maniac who gang rapes virtual women and children in a variety of interesting and exciting ways.

But be careful. If you screw one of the "fertile" ones and she gets pregnant, you must force her to get an abortion, quick! Otherwise, the bastard child will be born and the woman will throw you in front of a train. Or stab you to death. It's either that or rape forever for the three unlucky ladies.

But Amazon has decided to ban the game because apparently some uptight people think it's wrong to make rape and murder look cool and fun.

Which is too bad because there are many lessons to be learned from RapeLay, like how easy it is to rape and molest women. Especially girls who wear skirts on trains. They're asking for it.

But the biggest lesson of course is that men can gratuitously grope women on trains without consequence and repeatedly rape their entire families without fear.

The only thing you can't do is not force them to get an abortion, because that's a sin in the eye's of god and leads to murder. Of you, a maniacal rape fiend with masochistic tendencies.