House Republicans' New Bill Offers Variety Of Helpful Hints On Proper (Federally Funded!) Ways To Be Raped

Ah, Republicans. The kind of wonderful, caring, Constitution-loving individuals who know that when life hands you lemons, say, by getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your drunkard father, Jesus wants you to make lemon meringue pie in the form of Sharron Angle's special, secret homemade recipe for coping with unspeakable tragedy (psst: it's called insanity!).

But if you can't handle the heat, get your ass out of the kitchen, as some enlightened Republicans and assorted other spicy fruit flavors of far right teabaggers are so very fond of saying! Legislatively speaking, of course!

Which is simply amazing! Err, unless, you happen to be one of the hapless harlots dumb enough to get raped, incested, or otherwise unwittingly left with a bun in the oven, and would like to maybe get some federal assistance to help pay for the abortion costs.

Haha, sorry sweet tits!

Thanks to House Republicans' latest legislative push through the congressional chambers to help regulate what women across America ought to be permitted to push through their own feminine chambers, Uncle Sam's coiffers will (God-willing!) be slammed shut in the very near future.

It is called the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act," and it is a top priority in John Boehner's newer, brighter, glowing orange House, because it protects your precious federal money from funding wayward sluts who have subjected themselves to rape, lest they be one of the lucky li'l ladies who've been "forcibly raped," which naturally doesn't include a woman who was drugged or date raped.

Those bitches were soooooo asking for it!

So remember to heed the wise words of the Republican Party. Next time you are raped, just make sure that you have full mental capacities, have not been drugged (look alive, woman!), and please, please make sure the guy is doing it really hard, preferably like a deranged jackhammer hard! Because everyone, or at least House Republicans, know that rape is only really rape if it involves force. And plenty of it!

Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes. “There are a lot of aspects of rape that are not included,” Laurie Levenson says.
As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.

Oh yeah, and statutory rape. Like say, if a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion, thanks to the diligent efforts of 173 mostly Republican men, fortunate enough to not have the reproductive organs necessary for forced penetration & impregnation, like silly women who are weak and stupid.

Hooray!

"This bill takes us back to a time when just saying 'no' wasn't enough to qualify as rape," says Steph Sterling, a lawyer and senior adviser to the National Women's Law Center.

Ah yes, the good old days!

But some like Donna Crane, the policy director of NARAL Pro-Choice America, say that making the "already narrow exceptions for public funding of abortion care for rape and incest survivors even more restrictive is unbelievably cruel and heartless."

Oooh, Jesus would be so proud!

"This bill goes far beyond current law," says Democratic Rep. Diana DeGette of Colorado, a co-chair of the congressional pro-choice caucus. "The re-definition of the rape exception is only one element of an extreme bill that pro-abortion rights groups believe would lead to the end of private health insurance coverage for abortion."

Take that Socialist baby killers!

Of course, if you have any additional suggestions of types of rape that House Republicans can cruelly and wantonly carve out of medical/legal protection next, or are just curious when they are finally going to pass a law granting the rapist full naming and paternal rights over the baby the victim is forced to have, please do not hesitate to let the Republican Study Committee know. They can't wait to hear from you!

***Disclaimer:*** Women and those under the age of 18 are prohibited from contacting their congressmen without proper supervision by a qualified male, equipped with the adequate testosterone levels and reasoning skills to make informed, intelligent decisions about what a woman should and should not do with her body.

The Dirty Dozen: Bart Stupak's Life-Loving Dreams Murdered By Life-Hating Democrats

Democratic hell Representative and fearless defender of unborn fetuses in fertile wombs across America, Rep. Bart Stupak (D-Mich.) is suddenly feeling even smaller than the li'l bundles of prenatal joy he tries his very hardest to protect.

After playing a starring role in aborting the Democrats' health care bill over federal funding of the societal cancer known as a woman's right to choose, Bart Stupak of Michigan is feeling a wee bit "left out" now that his fellow DEMONcrats have decided to forge ahead without his enlightened views relating to the ovary-filled, emotional descendants of Eve.

"They're ignoring me," Stupak told National Review Online while sitting alone and depressed in a corner. "That's their strategy now. The House Democratic leaders think they have the votes to pass the Senate's health-care bill without us. At this point, there is no doubt that they've been able to peel off one or two of my twelve. And even if they don't have the votes, it's been made clear to us that they won't insert our language on the abortion issue."

And by "us" Bart Stupak of course is referring to the lovable "Stupak dozen," the twelve anti-abortion Democrats in the House, some of whom are now abandoning the sinking Republican ship of "no," to hop aboard the good ship Democrat and vote "yes" instead. Good-for-nothin' traitors!

Luckily, Stupendous Mr. Stupak is not budging. No sir-ee! Not one single dilated inch.

While Nazi Pelosi and other Democrats like that Bully Barry may have been successful in convincing "one or two" of his dirty dozen to vote for the sinful bill, Stupak insists, "I am a definite 'no' vote. I didn't cave. The others are having both of their arms twisted and we're all getting pounded by our traditional Democratic supporters, like unions."

Ummm, word of advice, Bart. Try to avoid using the word pounding unless your name is Emeril Lagasse or you don't mind sounding like a total gaylord.

But either way, Stupak and Co.'s hijacking of the health bill has hit somewhat of a snag in recent days, with House Democrats unwilling to kill the bill over Stupak's 12-man right-to-life wrecking crew.

"I really believe that the Democratic leadership is simply unwilling to change its stance," he said.

"Their position says that women, especially those without means available, should have their abortions covered," adding that their arguments "are a pretty sad commentary on the state of the Democratic party."

Really makes you miss the good old days when all you needed was an abandoned ally, a rusty hanger, and viola! no more unwanted buns in the oven to worry about.

But Stupak is very worried because if ObamaCare passes and Americans actually get the chance to not negligently die so that insurance companies can buy diamond-encrusted toilets of gold, Stupid Stupak thinks it could signal the end of any meaningful role for pro-life Democrats within their own party.

Hahahahaha, as if they were ever the slightest bit meaningful!

That's almost as ridiculous as those Log Cabin idiots in the GOP who think that aligning themselves with the Party that equates their sexual preferences with those who enjoy the four-legged barnyard kind of love, makes them any less abominable or any more deserving of actual human rights.

"It would be very, very hard for someone who is a right-to-life Democrat to run for office," he said.

"I won’t leave the party. I’m more comfortable here and still believe in a role within it for the right-to-life cause, but this bill will make being a pro-life Democrat much more difficult. They don’t even want to debate this issue. We’ll probably have to wait until the Republicans take back the majority to fix this."

Now, that's the pathetic, broken-down, Stockholm Syndrome Democrat, who just can't wait one more second for their Republican S&M masters to dominate and abuse them, that we've been waiting for!

"Throughout this debate, even when the House leaders have acknowledged us, it’s always been in a backhanded way," he said. "I'm telling the others to hold firm, and we’ll meet next week, but I’m disappointed in my colleagues who said they’d be with us and now they’re not. It’s almost like some right-to-life members don’t want to be bothered. They just want this over."

Ha ha, if you thought 9 months was a long time, try dealing with Stupak for over a year.

"This has really reached an unhealthy stage," Stupak complained. "People are threatening ethic complaints on me. On the left, they’re really stepping it up. Every day, from Rachel Maddow to the Daily Kos, it keeps coming. Does it bother me? Sure. Does it change my position? No."

He might not have a vagina or uterus in the traditional sense, but that doesn't stop him from assuming he understands everything that comes along with having female reproductive parts. Or thinking those who do should have sovereignty over their anatomy.

"...Money is their hang-up. Is this how we now value life in America? If money is the issue — come on, we can find room in the budget. This is life we’re talking about."

Which, by GOP standards, starts precisely at the moment of conception and ends the very second the little rascal slips out of mama's belly, and takes its first, glorious oxygen-rich breath of life.

Then screw 'em, the little bugger's on its own!