House Republicans' New Bill Offers Variety Of Helpful Hints On Proper (Federally Funded!) Ways To Be Raped

Ah, Republicans. The kind of wonderful, caring, Constitution-loving individuals who know that when life hands you lemons, say, by getting incestuously raped and impregnated by your drunkard father, Jesus wants you to make lemon meringue pie in the form of Sharron Angle's special, secret homemade recipe for coping with unspeakable tragedy (psst: it's called insanity!).

But if you can't handle the heat, get your ass out of the kitchen, as some enlightened Republicans and assorted other spicy fruit flavors of far right teabaggers are so very fond of saying! Legislatively speaking, of course!

Which is simply amazing! Err, unless, you happen to be one of the hapless harlots dumb enough to get raped, incested, or otherwise unwittingly left with a bun in the oven, and would like to maybe get some federal assistance to help pay for the abortion costs.

Haha, sorry sweet tits!

Thanks to House Republicans' latest legislative push through the congressional chambers to help regulate what women across America ought to be permitted to push through their own feminine chambers, Uncle Sam's coiffers will (God-willing!) be slammed shut in the very near future.

It is called the "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act," and it is a top priority in John Boehner's newer, brighter, glowing orange House, because it protects your precious federal money from funding wayward sluts who have subjected themselves to rape, lest they be one of the lucky li'l ladies who've been "forcibly raped," which naturally doesn't include a woman who was drugged or date raped.

Those bitches were soooooo asking for it!

So remember to heed the wise words of the Republican Party. Next time you are raped, just make sure that you have full mental capacities, have not been drugged (look alive, woman!), and please, please make sure the guy is doing it really hard, preferably like a deranged jackhammer hard! Because everyone, or at least House Republicans, know that rape is only really rape if it involves force. And plenty of it!

Other types of rapes that would no longer be covered by the exemption include rapes in which the woman was drugged or given excessive amounts of alcohol, rapes of women with limited mental capacity, and many date rapes. “There are a lot of aspects of rape that are not included,” Laurie Levenson says.
As for the incest exception, the bill would only allow federally funded abortions if the woman is under 18.

Oh yeah, and statutory rape. Like say, if a 13-year-old girl is impregnated by a 24-year-old adult, she would no longer qualify to have Medicaid pay for an abortion, thanks to the diligent efforts of 173 mostly Republican men, fortunate enough to not have the reproductive organs necessary for forced penetration & impregnation, like silly women who are weak and stupid.

Hooray!

"This bill takes us back to a time when just saying 'no' wasn't enough to qualify as rape," says Steph Sterling, a lawyer and senior adviser to the National Women's Law Center.

Ah yes, the good old days!

But some like Donna Crane, the policy director of NARAL Pro-Choice America, say that making the "already narrow exceptions for public funding of abortion care for rape and incest survivors even more restrictive is unbelievably cruel and heartless."

Oooh, Jesus would be so proud!

"This bill goes far beyond current law," says Democratic Rep. Diana DeGette of Colorado, a co-chair of the congressional pro-choice caucus. "The re-definition of the rape exception is only one element of an extreme bill that pro-abortion rights groups believe would lead to the end of private health insurance coverage for abortion."

Take that Socialist baby killers!

Of course, if you have any additional suggestions of types of rape that House Republicans can cruelly and wantonly carve out of medical/legal protection next, or are just curious when they are finally going to pass a law granting the rapist full naming and paternal rights over the baby the victim is forced to have, please do not hesitate to let the Republican Study Committee know. They can't wait to hear from you!

***Disclaimer:*** Women and those under the age of 18 are prohibited from contacting their congressmen without proper supervision by a qualified male, equipped with the adequate testosterone levels and reasoning skills to make informed, intelligent decisions about what a woman should and should not do with her body.

New Study Proves What We All Suspected: It's Not A Person's Fault They're Conservative, It's Their Damaged Brain!

Bored sexless scientists in dreary old Londontowne, England have discovered what most of humanity has already long suspected: scientists are boring, socially awkward, sexually deprived dweebs with a bit too much time on their hands. Err, wait, we didn't need a study to prove that.

What we did (apparently) need a study to prove, however, is that conservatism is a brain disorder and those who lean to the right are actually a bunch of mentally deranged freaks of nature.

This isn't just a bunch of liberal ballyhoo, this is actual science!

Turns out scientists at University College London discovered that people who cling to a more conservative ideology have a larger amygdala, the part of the brain that controls "anxiety and emotion," (think a weeping Glenn Beck), as well as a smaller anterior cingulate, which controls bravery and optimism (think Anger Bear Papa O'Reilly).

According to the Telegraph:

Prof Geraint Rees, who led the research, said: "We were very surprised to find that there was an area of the brain that we could predict political attitude."

"It is very surprising because it does suggest there is something about political attitude that is encoded in our brain structure through our experience or that there is something in our brain structure that determines or results in political attitude."

Prof Rees and his team, who carried out the research for the Today programme on BBC Radio 4, looked at the brain make up of the Labour MP Stephen Pound and Alan Duncan, the Conservative Minister of State for International Development using a scanner.

They also questioned a further 90 students, who had already been scanned for other studies, about their political views.

The results, which will be published next year, back up a study that showed that some people were born with a "Liberal Gene" that makes people more likely to seek out less conventional political views.

So there you have it, folks. It is no longer some wild, groundless assumption or crazy hackneyed stereotype to say that conservatism is a brain disorder. It has now been definitely proven by this one 90-person study.

So the next time you get in a heated debate with your 90-year-old Aunt Nelly about whether Obamar is really a secret Muslim terrorist Socialist from Kendonesia or gays are gross, disease spreading abominations who deserve to be shipped off to some crowded island of homosinuality (Manhattan?), not granted actual human rights, remember this simple undisputed scientific fact: conservatives are all mentally impaired mutations who are stupid and idiotic. And brain-damaged.

They can't help themselves. They were born that way!

Hey, don't get mad at me. Get mad at science!

Is Kermit The Froggy To Blame For Some Crazy, Armed, Asian Nutjob Attacking Discovery Channel?

I'm sure by now you've heard about that crazy guy James Lee who was maybe strapped with a bomb, but most definitely armed with a gun when he stormed the Discovery Channel(!?) headquarters in Maryland and took three people hostage before being shot and killed by police, who rescued the baffled, frightened Discovery employees, suddenly at the mercy of a deranged Ecoterrorist(?) with a weird, obsession-y death wish for the notorious, n'er do well network, Discovery!

Ummm, I mean they did give Sarah Palin her own reality show, so okay? But then it starts getting really weird...

Apparently, the dude's demented grievance against the Discovery channel began back in 2008, when he was arrested for disorderly conduct for oh, just your average, ho-hum incident involving "hiring homeless people" to join comprise his protest and hold signs, with cash bonuses awarded to the loudest, most protestin' son-of-gun in the bunch, while "throwing thousands of dollars into the air" all to show his seething hatred of a nature show network, whose apocalyptic programming includes Planet Earth, Man vs. Wild, kid and family friendly "Shark Week," and the Search For The Ultimate Cheeseburger, must be permanently silenced!

Or else!?!?

Well, I guess when your entire life's philosophy is based on a fictional book about a telepathic ape who teams with a 12-year-old girl to save the planet, called "My Ishmael," tossing crumpled Benjamins in the air, while homeless people run around chasing it, does seem like an effective way of getting your point across, like how "Money is trash and means nothing." And also that you're one crazy Asian motherf**ker!

So why exactly was James Lee locked in his own ongoing, bizarre, personal one-on-one war with the freakin' Discovery Channel of all places? Hello, I mean have you ever heard of MTV Networks? Snooki? Surely, that orange dwarf is as toxic to Mother Earth as the live, televised birth of sextuplets, no?

Apparently not to Mr. James Lee, who compiled a hilarious list of demands and beliefs that Discovery Channel "MUST broadcast to the world and do IMMEDIATELY"...or suffer the consequences!

"The Discovery Channel and it's affiliate channels MUST have daily television programs at prime time slots based on Daniel Quinn's "My Ishmael" pages 207-212 where solutions to save the planet would be done in the same way as the Industrial Revolution was done, by people building on each other's inventive ideas. Focus must be given on how people can live WITHOUT giving birth to more filthy human children since those new additions continue pollution and are pollution."

"Programs must be developed to find solutions to stopping ALL immigration pollution and the anchor baby filth that follows that."

Whoa, whoa, wait!! Fox News attacked the Discovery Channel?? Oh, oops, my bad, saw "anchor baby filth," and made the obvious leap.

"Humans are the most destructive, filthy, pollutive creatures around and are wrecking what's left of the planet with their false morals and breeding culture."

Oh, what now a person can't 'Gym Tan Laundry' without some crazy, self hating, greenpeacy Asian eco-terrorist all up in their grills, screaming about how "The Situation" isn't some Jersey guido's rock hard abs, but rather the coming Armageddon if Discovery Channel doesn't shape up, stop airing mammalian procreation, and start killing anchor babies instead!

"For every human born, ACRES of wildlife forests must be turned into farmland in order to feed that new addition over the course of 60 to 100 YEARS of that new human's lifespan! THIS IS AT THE EXPENSE OF THE FOREST CREATURES!!!!"

OMG, not the elves, gnomes and other whimsical li'l creatures of the enchanted woods and also of fantasy children books by J.R.R Tolkien. Please, please not the unicorns and dragons, anything but them!

"Saving the Planet means...decreasing the Human population. That means stopping the human race from breeding any more disgusting human babies!"

Hear that Bristol?? For God's sake, wrap some rubber around Levi's man muscle for once! The Human race depends on it!

"Also, war must be halted. Not because it's morally wrong, but because of the catastrophic environmental damage modern weapons cause to other creatures."

Ooooh right, of course!

"FIND SOLUTIONS JUST LIKE THE BOOK SAYS! Humans are supposed to be inventive. INVENT, DAMN YOU!!"

GOT IT, you worthless, greenhouse-gas emitting, polar-bear killing, carbon-based balls of sentient smut? Come up with something to save dear Mother Earth from gross human infestation right this second, you lazy, good-for-nothin' freeloaders!

"The humans?" HAHAHAHA, "The planet does not need humans!"

"Nothing is more important" than saving animals: "The Lions, Tigers, Giraffes, Elephants, Froggies, Turtles, Apes, Raccoons, Beetles, Ants, Sharks, Bears, and, of course, the Squirrels."

Excuse me, but I think you forgot Cows, Piggies, Goats, Mosquitoes, Hedgehogs, Whales, Roaches, Rabbits, Horsies, Zebras, and Doggies!

Oh, and also according to his MySpace page, when not harassing cable TV channels focusing on popular science, technology, and history to save Kermit the "Froggy," Lee "listens to 70's and some 80's music. I also like a lot of Spanish music," he adds.

Naturally, while this man was sticking his weapons (and possibly explosives) in innocent hostages’ faces, the lamestream media did what anyone in their right mind would do when some psycho criminal and/or terrorist storms a Cable TV headquarters to threaten employees at gun point: argue about whether this armed madman is really A DERANGED ANCHOR-BABY WINGNUT CONSERVATIVE or AN EVIL AL GORE ENVIRONMENTALIST LIBERAL??

According to the elitist arugula-eating Left:

Lee’s immigration screed bears a troubling resemblance to views and policies espoused by anti-immigrant groups such as NumbersUSA, the Center for Immigration Studies (CIS), the Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR), and others...

It’s not a coincidence that many of these are amongst the same groups that have always supported changing the 14th amendment to deny “anchor babies,” or the American-born children of undocumented immigrants, citizenship — long before the debate entered the political mainstream this summer.

Whoa, whoa, not so fast says the gun lovin', gay hatin', Jeebus worshipers on the Right:

Lee said he experienced an "awakening" when he watched former Vice President Al Gore’s environmental documentary "An Inconvenient Truth."

Apparently, the man is named James Lee, an environmental activist and longtime antagonist of the Discovery Channel over their lack "of real shows that actually work to save the planet."

So, who's really to blame for all this tragic-if-it-weren't-so-comical absurdity?

The Squirrels, of course!

In collusion with dirty anchor babies and probably that filthy Al Gore too!

Texas, The Political, Educational, And Cultural Disaster That Keeps On Giving...

How do I love thee, Texas? Let me count the ways.

When you're not threatening secession, executing retarded people, corralling dirty Mexicans, or blessing the rest of the nation with gifted political minds like George W. Bush, Phil Gramm, Tom DeLay, and slick Rick Perry, you continue to surprise and thrill us in new and delightful ways.

Like the Lone Star's latest ingenious contribution to society: new, improved standards for its public school history textbooks. Yay!

Yes, the good ol' boys on the Texas State Board of Education, whose previous enlightened positions taught us that slavery was simply an outreach program by rich white planters to help poor Africans come to America to learn better farming methods, have now put their unique Texas twist on other important subjects, like U.S. history, government, social studies, politics, culture, religion and even music. Hooray!

Now every school child from Amarillo to Corpus Christi and Juarez to Galveston will know the truth about the great Lone Star state and mighty red, white, and blue, without the taint, bias and lies from the liberal, Jew-run media elites.

In a 10-5 State BORED of Education decision split along party and ethnic lines, conservatives managed to push through new curriculum standards for every major subject taught in Texas schools, ensuring a nice, fundamentalist undertone to counter the excessive emphasis on minorities, homosexuals and other historically persecuted groups long poisoning Texas textbooks.

Thanks to these new standards, history students must remember the Alamo, except for the eight dumb Mexicans, known as the Tejanos, who died alongside James Bowie and Davy Crockett fighting for Texas' independence.

Not surprisingly, all five minority members opposed the revised standards, citing inadequate coverage of blacks and Hispanics and the promotion of right wing, conservative causes, with one board member, Mavis Knight, D-Dallas, charging some board members–primarily social conservatives–of "manipulating" the process to insert their own political and religious views, "whether or not it was appropriate."

"I cannot go back to my community and say I participated in perpetrating this fraud on the students," Knight said.

"These people fought alongside Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie. They were there, yet we have ignored their names for a long time in our textbooks and schools. They deserve their place in history," Mary Helen Berlanga, D-Corpus Christi added.

But, Pat Hardy, R-Fort Worth, disagreed, noting that no Hispanics were considered leaders at the Alamo.

"They were just among the other people who died at the Alamo. It would be awkward to say that teachers and students should identify people who died at the Alamo," she said.

Everyone knows dirty brown people don't count!

As expected, Hardy and other board members' assertion that it was appropriate for students to learn about real (white) Alamo leaders such as Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie and William B. Travis, was met with the usual minority whines and cries for attention.

"This is a disservice to the Hispanics who fought alongside the others at the Alamo," Berlanga said. "What did James Bowie and Davy Crockett do that the Tejanos did not do?"

Ummm, how about come out of their mother's wombs the right color?

Board member David Bradley, R-Beaumont, insisted the standards were "very inclusive" of all ethnic groups, including the addition of multiple minority historical figures, but naturally, said the board was not interested in getting into "number counting and quotas."

They don't start teaching fractions until Junior High, silly!

Minority board member, Rick Agosto, D-San Antonio, led the board's losing effort to add hip-hop music to a list of influential American musical and cultural movements, already including rock 'n' roll, Tin Pan Alley, country and the Beat Generation, arguing that "this movement has affected our culture" and needs to be "looked at and analyzed by our students."

He noted that the Beat Generation–included in the standards–was known for sex, drugs and rejection of mainstream values yet weren't deemed "inappropriate" by the rest of the Christian crusaders comprising the school board.

Ha ha, nice try Agosto. But you forgot the most important part, Beatnicks were white!

The devil's in the details, right?

Thank goodness, the God-fearing, reason-defying, right-wing zealots on the education board know what's really important and deserving of prominent coverage (Ronald Reagan) and what isn't (everyone else, but especially those ne'r-do-wells like the late liberal lion U.S. Sen. Edward Kennedy and first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor), who apparently didn't do anything important, substantive, or Jesus-y enough for Texas' excellent standards of educational merit.

Don't worry, high school students will still learn all about Newt Gingrich and the rise of conservative groups like the Moral Majority and Focus on the Family, without the hideous stain of liberal and/or minority rights groups and such controversial, terrible, "Un-American" leaders as George Washington (gay!), Abraham Lincoln (slave-lover!), and labor leader César Chávez (Mexican!).

Luckily, omitting these lefty losers from the classroom means more room for teaching all about beautiful Christianity's role in America's past, including the "motivational role the Bible and the Christian faith played in the settling of the original colonies." Amen!

But the best part of all is that since Texas is one of the nation's biggest textbook publishers, publishers often tailor their materials to meet Texas' standards, meaning what is taught in the Lone Star State often winds up being the basis for future textbooks and achievement tests in other states too!

So three cheers for Texas, where Jesus is always in style, the BBQ's always cookin', the guns are always smokin', and creepy Christian fundamentalist bible camps are apparently called "schools," but it doesn't matter cause the kids can't read anyway.

Ah yes, everything's bigger in Texas, including the chances that little Johnny grows up bigoted, ignorant, uneducated, closed-minded, misguided, afoul of the law, and well on his way to being the next great two-term cowboy President of these United States.

Fox News Gets Serious About Being Stupid

As the sole beacon of light and truth in today's dreadful world of health care reform death squads and due process of the law for terrorists, Fox prides itself on bringing fair and balanced news to all the people who make up the bestest, most awesomest nation on God's green Earth, America.

The good folks of the mighty U.S. of A depend on Fox News to keep them up to date on all that's happening around the nation and globe like which horrible world leader Obama bowed to now and how much time is left before the USA officially becomes Soviet Russia, sans the vodka and Kalashnikovs, that is.

Which means the constant fuck-ups, intentional lies, and blatant disregard for facts that we've come to love and expect from our favoritest Fox, will apparently no longer be tolerated. Terrible, I know!

After yet another week of embarrassing mistakes followed by awkward apologies, the big wigs in charge decided it would no longer be acceptable to doctor photos, make up news stories, or commit the usual journalistic suicide and signature idiocies that have made Fox the classy standard for News networks throughout the world.

In fact, Fox News is so serious about this sudden attempt to gain credibility and abandon the whole laughingstock approach, that network executives sent an internal memo to employees announcing their new and hilarious "zero tolerance" policy for all on-screen errors and assorted other screw-ups.

The memo, sent last Friday, warns staffers that such brain lapses could lead to write-ups, suspensions and termination. "Please know that jobs are on the line here. I can not stress that enough."

Subject: Quality Control

We had a mistake on Newsroom today when a wrong book cover went on screen during a guest segment, the kind of thing that can fall through the cracks on any day with any story given the large amount of elements and editorial we run through our broadcasts. Unfortunately, it is the latest in a series of mistakes on FNC in recent months. We have to all improve our performance in terms of ensuring error-free broadcasts. To that end, there was a meeting this afternoon between senior managers and the folks who run the daytime shows in which expectations were reviewed, and the following results were announced: Effective immediately, there is zero tolerance for on-screen errors. Mistakes by any member of the show team that end up on air may result in immediate disciplinary action against those who played significant roles in the "mistake chain," and those who supervise them. That may include warning letters to personnel files, suspensions, and other possible actions up to and including termination, and this will all obviously play a role in performance reviews. So we now face a great opportunity to review and improve on our workflow and quality control efforts. To share a key quote from today's meeting: "It is more important to get it right, than it is to get it on." We may then build up again slowly as deadlines and workloads allow so that we can be sure we can quality check everything before it makes air, and we never having to explain, retract, qualify or apologize again. Please know that jobs are on the line here. I can not stress that enough. I will review again during our Monday editorial meeting, and in the days and weeks ahead. This experience should make us stronger editorially, and I encourage everyone to invest themselves one hundred and ten percent in this effort.

What?? Fox News suddenly cares more about facts than ratings? This is an outrage! I mean by these standards, there will be no one left in the entire Fox organization!

And then where will America go for the pure comic relief that comes with watching a grown man sob hysterically about the glory days when war was cool, torture was synonymous with patriotism, 60+63+70 still equaled 100, and the only time you apologized was if your dumb face accidentally got in the way of Dick Cheney's bullets.

GOP: Meaningless Wins In VA, NJ Prove Obama Should Immediately Resign

Last month, I told you all about Robert F. "Bob" McDonnell and the skeleton in his closet coming in the form of a 93-page master’s thesis written when Bob was a wee 34-year-old evangelical grad student trying to find his place among the "cohabitators," "homosexuals," "fornicators," "working women," "feminists," "abortionists" and the rest of the heathens responsible for this cesspool of sin clogging America's moral judgment.

Fast forward to Nov. 3 2009, when this nice, God-fearing man has managed to push this decades-old pile o' bones college-ruled papers back in the storage closet behind all the old linens and photo-albums and handily defeat Democratic challenger Creigh Deeds to assume his rightful place as the new Governor of Virginia. Wooohooo!

This means that Virginia can finally break free from the Socialist grip of last year's terrible NObama disaster after 44 fabulous years of Republican domination in the state, a period nostalgically known in GOP circles as Pax Virginia.

And with GOP victories of any kind not exactly easy to come by these days, you can be sure the Republicans weren't about to pass up the chance to prove they're not just the party of centenarians, secessionists, and off-the-hook chairmen.

"These significant victories speak to the fantastic campaigns run by Republicans across the Commonwealth and the voters’ clear rejection of liberal tax and spend policies that Washington Democrats are trying to force on Americans," Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele said.

House Minority Whip and runner-up in the Republican inappropriate behavior contest Eric Cantor (R-Va.) managed to pry himself away from the Twitter app on his blackberry to congratulate McDonnell supporters on sending a clear message to national politicians (in more than 140 characters): "Enough with the incredible reach of government into our lives."

"Bob McDonnell has led us to victory after eight dark years in the wilderness...You know what's so great: Bob ran a great campaign, but it was also a positive campaign."

Meaning the Republicans didn't even have to resort to their usual playbook of lying, manipulating and deceiving their way into power. Yay!

Conservative Party candidate and third-wheel surprise in New York's 23rd Congressional District, Doug Hoffman is hoping this GOPmentum extends to his campaign to return Congress to responsible, conservative hands.

"Hopefully the Republican party, of which I’m a lifelong member, utilizes this energy and excitement of people coming to my support because we’ll need it in 2010," he said. "We’re just standing up for the core values that made America strong — less government, less taxes, less spending."

Ah yes, the very definition of George W. Bush's eight year reign, bringing prosperity and peace throughout the land.

Or at least to the 1,600 acres on his Crawford, Texas ranch.

Obama Is A 'Radical Leader,' 'Child' Just Like Rush Is 'Thin,' 'Sane'

Morbidly-obese-turned-gastric-bypass poster boy Rush Limbaugh took a break from shoveling beef patties into his mouth to show off the latest miracle of modern science, his svelte new body! And of course to say a bunch of crazy sh*t about his favorite man crush Barack Obama.

Yes, the man considered too big a loser for even the lowly Rams, Rush Hudson Limbaugh, appeared on Fox News Sunday to offer his enlightened (if only in actual weight) view of President Obama's deviant quest to destroy America.

It is not surprising a high-school educated genius like Rush thinks Obama is "immature," "narcissistic" and "in over his head," he simply doesn't understand what anyone could possibly see in an egomaniac man-child like Barry.

"I think he's got an out-of-this-world ego," Limbaugh said. "He’s a child. I think he's got a five minute career."

He also thinks he's fooling anyone into believing he actually lost weight with the old diet-exercise combo, which is why he doesn't do it very often. Think that is. (He's just not that good at it).

But that didn't stop El Rushbo from accusing terrible Barry of "not caring" about the war in Afghanistan, "actively seeking the defeat of the U.S. military," and using a ceremony to honor fallen soldiers as a "photo-op" to distract dumb schmucks like you and me from knowing the truth about how he's too pussy to send 40,000 U.S. soldiers to die in some bumblef**k poppy fields in the middle of Afghanistan.

"It was a photo-op precisely because he’s having big time trouble on this Afghanistan dithering situation," he said, doing his best to prove that Dick Cheney isn't the only right-wing kook with balls big enough to actually use the word dithering and still think they're relevant to anyone besides those who hear Spam and still think of canned meat.

"We've never seen this kind of radical leader at such a high level of power in this county." We, of course referring to the percentage of the U.S. population who've been squatting in Dick Cheney's vacant underground lair for the last 8 years.

Limbaugh also attacked that no-good Obama for ruining the robust economy the last Republican administration worked so diligently to create.

"I believe that the economy is under siege. They’re destroying it, and I have to think that it may be on purpose," Rush said, adding that "anybody with any economic literacy would not do one thing that this administration's done."

And who would know more about economics or literacy than a college dropout who flunked ballroom dancing?

Lucky for us, Rush's keen insight also extends to health care reform.

"This is not about insuring the uninsured. This is not about health care. This is about stealing one-sixth of the U.S. private sector." That, Limbaugh said, is "the easiest, fastest way for them to be able to regulate every aspect of human behavior."

And if it were up to him, he'd start with that "pompous windbag" and "walking comedy of errors" Vice President Joe Biden.

Unlike that humble Barracuda babe with brains and a hot rack. "I do have profound respect for Sarah Palin."

Ha ha, hear that all you butt-ugly spinsters and lesbians who concocted "feminism as a way to allow fellow unattractive women easier access to mainstream society?"

The gig's up.

Beginner's Luck? Huck No! Mike's Taking This Win All The Way To The White House

Wooohooo! Conservative Christian cuddlebug Mike Huckabee once again showed his uncanny ability to win meaningless straw polls by picking up his first insignificant victory of the season at this year's Family Research Council Values Voter Summit. Huck, Huck Hooray!

The newly svelte but still God-fearing former Gov. of Arkansas racked up nearly 29 percent of the vote in the 2012 presidential straw poll to cruise to an easy victory in a crowded field of fellow Republican zealots and patriots eying the White House.

Huckabee beat out the usual mix of heavy-hitters and up-and-comers like former Massachusetts Gov. and current Mormon Mitt "Mittens" Romney, Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty, sultry former Alaska Gov. Sarah "Barracuda" Palin, and Indiana Rep. Mike Pence, with all four losers each receiving about 12% of the vote.

Of the top five finishers, all but the Barracuda herself addressed the conference, who we can only assume was way too busy tending to important matters like canceling speaking engagements at the last-minute and posting nonsensical rants on her Favoritest Facebook. Perhaps Miss Thang can squeeze 'em in next year if she's not on a hunting expedition or hitting the book tour circuit or doing whatever it is that unemployed superstar Alaskan imports do.

In announcing the poll results no one cares about anyway, Family Research Council President Tony Perkins praised winner Mike Huckabee for having his "finger on the pulse" of conservative voters and a "gift for connecting with the GOP’s cultural base," but said organizers were still kind of hoping for someone who was actually a viable presidential candidate to win.

"We want a fully-rounded conservative candidate," he said. "Right now, the door's wide open." Ouch.

But being the good-natured, jolly (former) fat man that he is, Huckabee took his win in stride, accepting his victory like a true former Baptist minister and fringe candidate of the far right: by citing scripture and urging the party to resist any pressure to abandon social issues.

"There are so many people who have told us as conservatives that we should move to the center, on the sanctity of marriage or the sanctity of life,” Huckabee said, adding: “I'm not sure the center makes a whole lot of sense when it's coming from people who certainly don't have our interest, or our country's interest, at heart."

You tell 'em Hucky! Don't cave, bend, sway, shift, or compromise for anyone, especially the Godless Socialist Dems currently tasked with getting America out of the sh*thole a certain compassionate conservative stud named W put it in.

Those hedonists, homosexuals, abortionists and assorted other deviants over in Washington don't have the country's best interest at heart, unlike you decent, church-going folk who love America so much you pray every night for it to fail and go down the tubes along with that charismatic, young Kenyan man Barry. Who just may or may not be the devil himself.

Fox News' Fave Man-Child Glenn Beck Hits The Big TIME!

Oooooh, golden-haired angel of truth Glenn Beck has landed on the cover of TIME magazine!! Do you understand what this means people? It means the true patriots of America have won! But even more importantly, it means everything the man's ever said is totally brilliant and 100 percent true.

Sure, the feature story is titled "Mad Men: Is Glenn Beck Bad For America?" and questions whether having a pudgy, unstable man who sports a buzz cut and weeps on prime-time television as the spokesman of the conservative movement is the best move. But what really matters here is that Glenn Beck is gracing newsstands and coffee tables around the nation. Yay!

"As melodrama, it's thumping good stuff," author David Von Drehle writes. "But as politics, it's sort of a train wreck - at once powerful, spellbinding and uncontrolled."

Von Drehle adds:

Extreme talk, especially as practiced by a genuine talent like Beck, squeezes maximum profit from a relatively small, deeply invested audience...The more the host is criticized, the more committed the original audience becomes. And the more committed the audience, the bigger target it presents to the rant industry on the other side of the spectrum... How can we trust each other, though, when the integrated economy of ranters and their delighted-to-be-outraged critics are such a model of profitability? A microphone, a camera and a polarizing host is all it takes to get the money moving.

Who needs trust when you've got a 45-year-old jokester and recovering alcoholic Mormon convert with ADHD named Glenn Beck to show you the way?

And the man is on a roll. Over the last month, the tireless efforts of this blue-eyed Messiah helped bring down one of the president's evil green jobs czars, motivated thousands of conservatives to turn peaceful town hall debates into Nazi rallies and helped make the September 12 march on Washington a shining Teabagger success and prime example of everything that's demented about this country.

Which is why it is so great for society that a citizen as genuine and wise as Glenn Beck be rewarded for his patriotic efforts calling the President a racist and getting people to scream like madmen by having his adorable mug grace the cover of one of America's most prominent news magazines.

Talk about milestones! Now, not only is it possible for a black man to be elected President of the US of A, it is also possible for a middle-aged man with the intelligence of a retarded monkey to stick out his tongue on the cover of TIME and still be taken seriously by an entire political movement.

I guess America really is the land of opportunity!

Rage, Racism, And Republicans: A Teabaggers' Delight!

The usual right-wing parade of gun nuts, racists, white supremacists, Jesus freaks, Ayn Rand die-hards, and big government paranoids marched on Capitol Hill Saturday to protest the President's evil health care reform plan to kill grandma and baby Trig, the government's out-of-control spending, and all else that comes with having an illegal Kenyan Socialist Muslim as President of America.

Alternately singing "God Bless America" with chants of "Heil Hitler," tens of thousands of protesters took to the streets of Washington to fight back against the Führer Obama, Nazi Pelosi, and the rest of the fascist, big-government scum ruining the nation.

Armed with the usual tasteful mix of Confederate flags, "Bury Obamacare with Kennedy" posters, and enough colonial costumes to make anyone feel proud, the good citizens of this country proved to the rest of the world just how nutty some folks really are.

Of course not every protester at the big September 11th Teabagger Festival on September 12 focused on Herr Obama and his socialist policies bankrupting America; some directed their ire at the illegal immigrants leeching onto the country, the horror of their sacred semi-automatic machine guns being taken away, and this outrageous unAmerican plan to spend taxpayer money on something other than bombing oil-rich countries in the Middle East.

While most lawmakers decided to steer clear of the fun-filled rage parade, some brave souls like South Carolina Senator Jim DeMint decided to hinge their political futures on the notion that such important American ideals as unchecked aggression, bigoted rage, and sheer, unadulterated ignorance, are shared by the vast majority of citizens.

"This is not some kind of radical right-wing group," Sen. Jim DeMint said. "I just hope the Congress, the Senate, and the president recognize that people are afraid of what's going on."

I assure you Mr. DeMint. We're pretty much freaking the f**k out!

Who Let Grandma Out Of The House Again?

The Kindred Spirits Of Joe Wilson And Michele Bachmann

She's baaaaaaaaaack! That other semi attractive but equally insane right wing darling not named Sarah Palin (but wishes she was), Minnesota hellwoman Rep. Michele Bachmann, is once again all fired up over the awful Democrats' mistreatment of conservative kindred spirit and total sweetheart Joe "You Lie" Wilson.

Much like the undeserved suffering she endures as a result of the vicious Democratic conspiracy to keep "strong" conservatives like her down, Michele Bachmann feels Joe Wilson's pain. And it hurts. A lot.

As long as those blasted Democrats are in power, strong-willed freedom fighters like her and ol' Joe will never be able to tell America to slit their wrists or blurt whatever crazy thoughts are on their mind at the most highly inappropriate moments.

This abuse cannot stand! So Michele is taking to the Internets to email her many, many (handfuls of) supporters to warn them about how brilliant minds like herself and Joe are being muzzled by America's dangerous slide towards socialism under NObama.

The Democrats are losing when it comes to a debate on the issues and on facts, so they have to resort to demonizing their opponents.

I was in Colorado recently and I made a speech on health care reform. I spoke for nearly 45 minutes about freedom and health care and our gangster government and the economy.

But, the Democrats just want to talk about one line where I said that we as freedom-loving conservatives must do all we can to stop this rush to socialism.

You mean that whole slitting wrists thing? Yeah, that was totally not a big deal.

The President's speech on Wednesday was just the same plan you have already rejected wrapped up in the President's charisma.

They can't argue on the facts or the issues, so they have to make it about personalities and they have to paint strong conservatives like me as evil, uninformed, or crazy. They simply can't understand that there are people out there like you that don't buy their policy prescriptions and that there are people like me who will stand up for you in Congress.

By embarrassing themselves shrieking obscenities at the President during prime time speeches and slitting their wrists in a warm bath of blood and insanity. For freedom!

Michele Bachmann Urges You To Slit Your Wrists For Freedom!

Unstable Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachman traveled all the way from the wilds of her congressional district to a faraway land called Denver to call upon her fellow conservative warriors to join together in the fight against President Obama's evil, socialist plot to reform health care.

"This cannot pass," Michele told the crowd. "What we have to do today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing. This will not pass. We will do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t pass."

"Something is way crazy out there," she said. "Right now, we are looking at reaching down the throat and ripping the guts out of freedom. And we may never be able to restore it if we don't man up and take this one on."

"This is slavery," Bachmann explained after claiming many Americans pay half their income to taxes. "It’s nothing more than slavery."

Oh no! We must protect freedoms' guts...from Obama! So quick, everyone slit their wrists and bleed to death to protest affordable health care. It's the only way to save America from the apocalypse of universal coverage and break free from the bitter shackles of income tax slavery.

Oops, with all this talk of blood and guts, I almost forgot my manners...

Ladies first. After you, my dear Michele!!

Disgruntled Conservatives Turn Their Teabaggin' Wrath To ObamaCare

The Republicans are not happy with that ambitious Obama or his un-American plan to turn the nation's health care system into a government sanctioned holocaust of the old and unborn. In fact, they are steaming mad! So mad that they are willing to do anything, anything, to stop Comrade Barry's deviant quest to socialize medicine and ruin America, including saying whatever crazy sh*t they think will freak the public out most.

Let's call it the GOP strategy of desperation and lies. They use it from time to time, whenever they find themselves at the mercy of an uppity commander-in-chief with legislative majority and . They've tried everything: secret Muslim terrorist, Kenyan-born socialist, arugula-eating elitist, but nothing seems to stick on this guy! What is a GOPer to do to get America to hop off the Barry bandwagon?

It starts with conservative whispers about how Obama's health reform is the first step toward a totalitarian dystopia in which the government kills off the old and unfit. Next convince the wingnut base that brought us those delightful tea parties that this nightmare vision where doctors and government conspire to kill Grandma and Grandpa for fun will soon be reality, if psycho Barry gets his way.

The seeds will then be sown for revolts and uprisings at town hall meetings across the country, where unhinged protesters can disrupt constructive debate on health care reform by burning effigies and spewing hysterical nonsense against Emperor Obama's doomsday health care plan to murder the elderly and infirm.

I guess you just have to tip your hat to the Republicans for their brilliant strategy of shrieking like madmen whether anyone's listening or not. It's the next best thing to being right!

Blah, Blah Socialism!

Happiness Is A Warm Gun

Don't Let The Sunglasses Fool You, Meghan Packs The Heat

Meghan McCain loves guns. Not only do they make her feel like a whole lotta woman, they're also just perfect for relieving all the stress that comes with getting paid to blog about nonsense for a living. Nonsense and sex.

You see Meghan McCain is more than just the fresh-faced blogging voice of the Republican Party. She's also a proud member of the National Rifle Association and is terrified that charismatic demonchild Barack Obama is going to take away her precious right to shoot annoying people and defenseless animals.

Doesn't Obama know the shooting range is the one place Meghan can be a Republican "through-and-through" or how empowering it is for a 24-year-old woman of wealth and taste to fire off a few rounds?

I mean she's always had positive experiences with family and guns. You should see how her beloved godfather Jerry could decorate a house using only freshly-skinned wild boar hides, deer pelts, and giant moose antlers. There's nothing like it!

That's why Meghan is able to think about guns in a "smart, nonreactive manner." Hello people, it's called the Bill of Rights!

If you are a law-abiding citizen who is trained to and skilled at using a firearm, then you are entitled to protect yourself and your family. Even if you're not, Meghan knows our founding fathers intended for everyone to experience the joys of gun ownership. Particularly semi-automatic machine guns, cause you never know when your fair city will be overrun by Somalian warlords.

Too bad those kooky liberals don't understand that guns aren't the problem. "The real solution to preventing gun violence is not taking away the tools, but tackling its causes: poverty, inadequate health care, mental illness, joblessness, inadequate housing, and poor education. Desperate people will make anything a weapon. We need to eliminate desperation, not guns."

So does that mean all we need to do stop abortions is eliminate sluts? It's so brilliant, I can't believe no one ever thought of that before!

What Do Republicans And Dinosaurs Have In Common?

The Three Stooges

It's tough to be a Republican these days. Seems like no one is down with the Grand Old Party, ever since that W guy peaced out of the White House and into the Witness Protection Program in Dallas. Not even superstars like Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, and Michael "Hip-Hop" Steele are enough to save the Party from going the way of the dinosaurs.

A new Gallup poll reveals just how close the Grand Old Party is from extinction, yet unlike their prehistoric counterparts, this cataclysm has nothing to do with asteroids or comets, but something far more ominous: eight years of George W. Bush.

Not content to just ruin America, rape the economy, and drown New Orleans, our friend George figured what the hell, why not destroy the entire Republican Party while he's at it.

In fact, since Bush first doomed us by taking office in 2001, those identifying themselves as Republicans has fallen faster than America's standing in the world, with sharp decreases in almost every demographic.

Over the last eight years, GOP self-identification among college graduates has fallen by ten points (13 if you include postgraduate education), nine points among 18-29 year-olds, five points among married people, eight points among unmarried, nine points in the Midwest, six in the East, five in the West, and even four points in the South. The South, for crying out loud! (Though, one can only assume this isn't including the secession parade of Georgia, Oklahoma, South Dakota, and of course, sassy ringleader Texas).

All in all, what was once an even split in 2001, has now morphed into a 53%-39% shellacking by Democrats over their zit-faced, redheaded step-child, the Republican Party.

But it's not all bad. Turns out the GOP suffered no decrease with the ever-important Jesus freaks (frequent churchgoers) and only showed a one-point loss among gun nuts and homophobes (conservatives), and anyone who considers Brown v. Board of Education to be America's kiss of death (those 65 and older).

Hey, look at the bright side, at least your base still loves you!

America, Meet Your Newest Resident "Expert" Sarah Barracuda Palin!

Well, well look who just went out and earned herself a little expert title while we weren't looking. None other than ice princess Sarah Palin, governor of America's resource-rich Russian watchdog, the great state of Alaska!

So you can imagine how delighted House Republican Whip Eric Cantor was to welcome Miss Palin as the newest shining member of the National Council for a New America's esteemed panel of experts.

An illustrious mix of rising Republican stars, leaders, and longtime GOP movers and shakers committed to solving problems with the "common-sense conservative solutions" Americans need and want. Even if they don't know it. Or vote for it.

Yes, this "who's who" list includes such notables GOP heavyweights as:

Governor Haley "Fat Man From Mississippi" Barbour
Governor Jeb "But, I'm Not W" Bush
Governor Bobby "Volcano Monitoring Is For Jerks" Jindal
Senator John "Meghan Is My Daughter" McCain
Governor Mitt "Mormons Are Sexy, Too" Romney

Throw in Alaskan superstar Sarah "Africa Is A Country" Palin and you my friends have a panel of experts ready to welcome Americans from all walks of life to join in the important discussion on how to keep America great by desperately clinging on to tired half-truths, baseless fears, and long-held prejudices.

Together, the National Council for a New America can fight this evil disease called progress and restore America's rightful place as the most awesome, freedom-loving, terrorist-torturing, CO2-polluting environmental disaster the world has ever seen!

Meet Meghan McCain: The Republican Party's New Miss Thang!

The Fresh New Face Of The GOP

Okay, so John McCain's presidential bid didn't turn out exactly as he would've liked, but at least some good came out of spending endless amounts of time and money on a losing effort to convince the public he's NOT in fact George W. Bush.

Like his quirky blond daughter becoming the new gay icon for closeted, self-hating conservatives across the land.

As the face for secret bleeding heart liberals trapped in Republican trust fund bondage, Meghan McCain used her new-found street cred to address a crowd of Log Cabin Republicans (conservative queers) over the weekend.

There, she told the group of out and proud (sort of) party loyalists that "old school Republicans" were "scared sh*tless" of the changing landscape. Language, Meggy, language!

The Senator's daughter, who is quickly becoming a rising star in the Republican party and a Liza Minnelli-like hero among Log Cabin sorts who put party loyalty ahead of their own sexual freedom and personal rights, took repeated shots at the GOP for their antiquated beliefs and out-of-touch policies. In other words, for not being more like Democrats.

"There are those who think we can win the White House and Congress back by being 'more' conservative. Worse, there are those who think we can win by changing nothing at all about what our party has become...I think we're seeing a war brewing in the Republican Party. But it is not between us and Democrats. It is not between us and liberals. It is between the future and the past."

Uh-Oh, easy there Meghan. Let's not forget you are a McCain, and with the title, comes certain responsibilities, like never questioning anything, staying trim, blonde, and perky, and being socially moderate your entire life until abandoning all beliefs/integrity when trying to run for public office.

But, as the daughter of the original maverick, Meghan is not known to play by anyone's rules but her own. Which is why her wake-up call to Republicans didn't end there.

"Simply embracing technology isn't going to fix our problem. Republicans using Twitter and Facebook isn't going to miraculously make people think we're cool again. Breaking free from obsolete positions and providing real solutions that don't divide our nation further will. That's why some in our party are scared. They sense the world around them is changing and they are unable to take the risk to jump free of what's keeping our party down."

Aw, come on Meg, Rush isn't that heavy!

Besides, tweeting your deepest (freedom-loving) thoughts about what you had for dinner last night and why gays and liberals are ruining America in under 140 characters is a sure-fire way to bring Republicans' victory next election. Everyone knows the kids go ga-ga for technology. Even Michael Steele could tell you that.