NJ Governor Chris Christie Won't Say If He Believes In Evolution, But Admits His Deep Belief In Second Helpings

New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches, Chris (yes, I have the same name twice) Christie was either in a terrible mood, terribly hungry, or terribly confused when he mistook a reporter for a patty melt, because he practically bit her head off for asking a simple, innocent question, if he believes in evolution or the theory of creationism, during a press conference.

“That’s none of your business,” Christie snapped, because whether the democratically elected leader of your state, in this case, New Jersey, believes that Adam & Eve rode around on a pet Brontosaurus with baby Jesus in tow when the Earth was created 6,000 years ago, is clearly nothing the nosy public need concern themselves with.

Besides, Christie already answered your annoying, pesky questions at a town hall last week!

“Evolution is required teaching,” Christie said. “If there’s a certain school district that also wants to teach creationism, that’s not something we should decide in Trenton.”

So true! It should be up to Jesus Christ and maybe Mother Mary, if she isn't too busy getting knocked up by God, certainly not some obnoxious, morbidly obese governor of Snooki and The Situation.

What the hell is wrong with you people, anyway?

I mean, it's not like Christie is endorsing the belief that the Earth was created by an old bearded man in the sky thousands of years ago instead of nuclear processes caused by the rapid expansion of an extremely hot and dense state billions of years ago, or anything like that. It's more that he is simply endorsing his own presidential aspirations by pretending to be the kind of crazy, conservative wingnut the GOP can really get behind.

“I probably have little business getting myself involved in these kinds of questions,” Christie said, adding that local school boards “should be making those decisions about what curriculum is being taught in your schools.”

Like how Ronnie Reagan parted the Red Sea with nothing but a rod and unshakable faith in the trickle down deity in a heroic effort to free corporations from the shackles of government regulated slavery.

“I think it’s really a dangerous area for a governor who stands up from the top of the state to say, ‘You should teach this. You shouldn’t teach that,’ ” he said.

Except for the little fact that that's exactly what the state is supposed to do, determining precisely what kids must learn in each subject, each year, and then testing them accordingly.

Not like the actual elected leader of the state should know that or anything. Knowledge?? Ugh, talk about dangerous!

Besides, has anyone even seen his birth certificate? What the hell did Christie evolve from, anyway? KFC Double Downs & The Colonel's famous secret blend of spices?

So, Chris Christie doesn't believe in evolution, eh?? Judging by the looks of him, sounds more like evolution doesn't believe in Chris Christie!

New Study Proves What We All Suspected: It's Not A Person's Fault They're Conservative, It's Their Damaged Brain!

Bored sexless scientists in dreary old Londontowne, England have discovered what most of humanity has already long suspected: scientists are boring, socially awkward, sexually deprived dweebs with a bit too much time on their hands. Err, wait, we didn't need a study to prove that.

What we did (apparently) need a study to prove, however, is that conservatism is a brain disorder and those who lean to the right are actually a bunch of mentally deranged freaks of nature.

This isn't just a bunch of liberal ballyhoo, this is actual science!

Turns out scientists at University College London discovered that people who cling to a more conservative ideology have a larger amygdala, the part of the brain that controls "anxiety and emotion," (think a weeping Glenn Beck), as well as a smaller anterior cingulate, which controls bravery and optimism (think Anger Bear Papa O'Reilly).

According to the Telegraph:

Prof Geraint Rees, who led the research, said: "We were very surprised to find that there was an area of the brain that we could predict political attitude."

"It is very surprising because it does suggest there is something about political attitude that is encoded in our brain structure through our experience or that there is something in our brain structure that determines or results in political attitude."

Prof Rees and his team, who carried out the research for the Today programme on BBC Radio 4, looked at the brain make up of the Labour MP Stephen Pound and Alan Duncan, the Conservative Minister of State for International Development using a scanner.

They also questioned a further 90 students, who had already been scanned for other studies, about their political views.

The results, which will be published next year, back up a study that showed that some people were born with a "Liberal Gene" that makes people more likely to seek out less conventional political views.

So there you have it, folks. It is no longer some wild, groundless assumption or crazy hackneyed stereotype to say that conservatism is a brain disorder. It has now been definitely proven by this one 90-person study.

So the next time you get in a heated debate with your 90-year-old Aunt Nelly about whether Obamar is really a secret Muslim terrorist Socialist from Kendonesia or gays are gross, disease spreading abominations who deserve to be shipped off to some crowded island of homosinuality (Manhattan?), not granted actual human rights, remember this simple undisputed scientific fact: conservatives are all mentally impaired mutations who are stupid and idiotic. And brain-damaged.

They can't help themselves. They were born that way!

Hey, don't get mad at me. Get mad at science!

Hilarious Future GOP President Mike Huckabee Never Met A Jew, Gay Joke, Or Heaping Plate Of Anything He Didn't Like!

Born again non-morbidly obese person Mike Huckabee has taken a hiatus from his previous job scarfing down double bacon cheeseburgers as the 400 lbs+ ex-Governor of Arkansas, to sit down with one of the hoity-toity, arugula-eating elitist magazines he's always shrieking 'bout at his current gig spewing nonsense for Fox News, to discuss some of his all-time favoritest topics like gross gay people, beautiful Jesus, and how he would totally be a Jew (go Moses!) if he weren't already an Evangelical Christian wingnut, who has taken Christ as his personal savior.

Oh, goody! Wonder if this self-proclaimed "nice guy" and God-blessed comedic talent will announce his candidacy to unseat that illegal Kenyan Socialist Barack Hussein NObama in 2012, or if he'll be too busy making hilariously offensive dirty jokes about the "ick" factor of banging gross old people and even grosser gay people?

In due time, my friends, in due time!

But first things first, what about those Jews everyone's always talkin' about, 'cept Sarah Palin who prefers twitterin' her two-sen$e in 140 nonsensical characters, indecipherable to those not born 'n raised in the abandoned meth lab of Wasilla. What about them?

“I worship a Jew!” Huckabee told the New Yorker. “I have a lot of Jewish friends, and they’re kind of, like, ‘You evangelicals love Israel more than we do.’”

Oh, hahahahahaha, so true! Errr, except for that one tiny little Jewy detail about Jesus not being the son of God, or the Messiah or anything, and not being saved when the Rapture comes as a result, but no big deal right? Heck, let's not let silly things like facts or details get in the way of a good discussion. On the bright side, they do like to kill Muslims, too, which is always a bonus!

"I’m, like, ‘Do you not get it? If there weren’t a Jewish faith, there wouldn’t be a Christian faith!'"

And then who would we persecute, slaughter, and vilify for having the blood of Christ on their hands??

Besides, if he really didn't love Israel sooooooooo much, why would he walk around wearing a yarmulke (which is a hat for Hebes, for those not as in touch with their Semitic roots as ol' Maccabee Huckabee), when it's convenient, from time to time?

“I think what I should do is convert,” Huckabee said, squinting in the sunshine. “This covers my bald spot completely.”

Oy vey! What an amazing idea Huck! Then all those other right-wing Jew-lovers throughout the heartland, who wave swastikas, buy your Jesus books, and vote for you in straw polls will be certain to keep supporting you and your wonderful work as God's true messenger and heaven-sent representative of the Chosen Ones here on Earth.

Sounds promising!

Not as promising as, say, Huck's stand-up career, but close enough!

Huckabee does deviate from Party orthodoxy on some issues. But what makes him even less predictable as a politician is his sense of humor. At times, he seems unable to resist the force of his own funniness. I joked with him once that I would write about his (fictitious) affair with Nancy Pelosi. He e-mailed back, “The only thing worse than a torrid affair with sweet, sweet Nancy would be a torrid affair with Helen Thomas. If those were my only options, I’d probably be FOR same-sex marriage!”

OH, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That is hilaaaaaaaarious! Everyone knows Huck loves his perfectly FEMALE wife and would never, ever, nerrrver, neverrrrrrrr have an affair, but if in some wild, crazy twist of fate, he had to be a terrible gross gay, he would probably be in favor of terrible, gross gay marriage, because it is almost as sinful and evil to be unmarried as it is to be a horrible homosexual. Not quite, but almost!

There is a special place in hell for those well-dressed, limp-wristed, Lady Gaga-adoring abominations before the Lord. The Constitution in his head says so!

Which would help explain why a sweetheart like Mike would ever compare homosexuality to incest and drug addictions, or spend his days as Governor of Arkansas doing important, Godly things like eating deep-fried lard, banning gay adoptions, and preventing gays from becoming foster parents.

Just Like Jesus Would Do!

But, it's not like Huck is homophobic or anything.

“I’ve had people who worked for me who are homosexuals,” he insists. “And I don’t walk around thinking, Oh, I pity them so much. I accept them as who they are! It’s not like somehow their sin is so much worse than mine.” 

Except of course that it is! Like ten billion times worse, even!

And it is not just because he is personally repulsed by these unnatural things, like the wrong penis-to-vagina ratios, or say, an entire family of obese Southern-fried wingnuts, or anything grotesque like that.

He has called homosexuality “sinful and unnatural” and is fond of amusing audiences with the witticism “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

“I do believe that God created male and female and intended for marriage to be the relationship of the two opposite sexes,” Huckabee said in his New Yorker profile. “Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn’t work the same.”

Of course, Huckabee was oh so surprised to hear that Arkansas state representative Kathy Webb, a lesbian from Little Rock, had said, “Huckabee doesn’t seem to have a whole lot of tolerance and good will for gay people.”

“It’s not personal,” he replied. “I could argue that people who want to change marriage are angry at me for wanting to keep it like it is!”

Which is of course the holy consecration of one huge, hideous man and one equally enormous woman in the eyes of God, Man, and Arkansas' fattest finest export, a one Mike Huckabee!

But what about some arguments that don't have to do with "God" or "ickiness," but rather that other made-up, nonsense concoction liberals are always squawking about, "Science?"

“There are some pretty startling studies that show if you want to end poverty it’s not education and race, it’s monogamous marriage,” he said. “Many studies show that children who grow up in a healthy environment where they have both a mother and a father figure have both a healthier outlook and a different perspective from kids who don’t have the presence of both.”

Well, well whoda thunk the key to ending poverty isn't education or even making everyone perfectly pure and white, as Huck's fellow Fox News friends would have you believe. No, no, it's to make everyone perfectly straight instead!

Of course, in light of the new, 25-year study published by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluding that children brought up by lesbians were actually better adjusted than their peers, one would think a sharp, scientific mind like ol' Mike would be even slightly curious to know whether allowing gay people to marry had a positive or negative effect on children and society, right?

“No, not really. Why would I be?” he said, and laughed. The ol' card!

Why, just look at the strapping paradigms of health and fitness that sprung from his sacred, bessed heterosexual loins!

One glance at his fine, hearty brood, and you'll understand where the man's coming from, too!

Other than a starring role at the circus sideshow or record-shattering performance at the local all-you-can-eat buffet!

But at least we know why Mike has such an appreciation for humor and jokes. His entire life is one! I mean, how else do you expect him to cope? God??

Ha ha, yeah right! Unless El Savior comes beer battered and deep fried, no thanks, Huck will take a pass. He just doesn't have the stomach for it!

Picture-Perfect: A Huckabee Family Portrait

Battle Of The Bulge: Are Fatties To Blame For Global Warming?

Hey fatties, guess what?? It's YOUR fault the earth is getting hotter, rain forests are disappearing, icecaps are melting, and all the polar bears are dying.

That's right. Thanks to a recent scientific study, we now know that a person's heart isn't the only thing to suffer from stuffing your face with endless wheelbarrow sized portions of Culver's world-famous butter burgers and custard shakes. Mother Earth weeps too.

That's because each overweight person, hereby referred to by its scientific name, "fatty," emits a ton more of climate-warming carbon dioxide per year than their average weight counterparts, or as they're more commonly known, "skinny." That means an extra billion tons of CO2 is created every year!

It doesn't take a scientist (well, apparently it does) to deduce that the more food you shovel down your throat, the more food needs to be produced, and thus the more CO2 gas emissions that are released into the atmosphere.

Not only is “moving about in a heavy body like driving in a gas guzzler,” but "fatties" are also more likely to travel by car--another major environmental no-no--because well, "it is much easier to get in your car and pick up a pint of milk than to take a walk.”

That's true. It is also much easier to go to the local supermarket than to milk the cow yourself, but hey if you don't mind murdering the planet, that's your prerogative.

Speaking of raping and pillaging the land, Congress is facing its own battle of the bulge this year, and we don't mean the federal deficit.

Between Wall Street woes, a recession and intense legislative fights over whose hand Barry might shake today, members of Congress say they’re facing one of the most stressful, pressure-filled sessions in recent memory--and have the bulging waistlines to prove it.

Endless lunchtime meetings, jam-packed schedules, heavy travel, late-night hours, and the sinfully orgasmic pies in the Senate cafeteria have many lawmakers tipping the scales and polluting our beautiful blue planet with their plump, pork-filled toxins.

Like we needed any more proof that Congress is hazardous to our health.

I'll Give It To You Frank: Put Down The Fork, Barney!

Let The Clone Wars Begin!

Blinded By Science!

In keeping with his campaign promise to make scientific decisions based on fact, not faith, President Barack Obama lifted the Bush administration’s strict limits on human embryonic research.

Obama's reversal of Bush limits on federally funded stem cell research seeks to rescue America from the scientific dark ages and reclaim its rightful position at the forefront of innovation and research.

Unlike W, Obama believes the best hopes for curing debilitating diseases like Parkinson's lies in the laboratory and not in the church pews. Kooky liberals.

But even godless Obama was sure to explain that his new love affair with science does not signal a green light to mad scientists across the country just waiting to clone themselves in some crazed Frankenstein experiment in their parents basement.

"It is dangerous, profoundly wrong and has no place in our society or any society,” Obama said.

Now if you'll excuse him he has some human embryos to destroy.

What, you have a better suggestion for distracting the nation from that damn economic crisis he can't solve? I mean it's almost been two months! Seriously, get your act together dude.