Sarah Palin's Asinine Mouthpiece Meg Stapleton Shows She Can Quit Like A Maverick, Too!

NOOOOOOO!!!! Say it ain't so, please, say it ain't so! Not Meg Stapleton, THE MEG STAPLETON, of Sarah Palin superloyal spokeswoman fame.

Of all the brilliant aides who could have quit the PR disaster known as the great Sarah Palin experiment, it had to be world-famous bearer of bad news and trusted Palin confidante, Meg Stapleton, loyally concocting terrible excuses since December 2006!

Now who will be there to write Sarah's very angry posts on her favoritest Facebook whenever some terrible liberal who, unlike Rush Limbaugh, is not an expert on satire and thus has no business to ever utter the word "Retard" because Sarah Palin owns it. Forever. Trig gave it to her.

Stapleton, who has been Palin's right-hand woman and among her most trusted advisers since being unleashed upon the unsuspecting world as part of Gramps McCain's Faustian bargain to win the White House in exchange for his soul, is apparently following in her boss's footsteps, abruptly quitting so she can focus on things like "ice skating and skiing" and "spending more time with her family," who apparently have meant nothing to her for the last 4 or so years.

"While it has been an honor to help Gov. Palin and her family over the last few years, I am also honored to have this incredible opportunity to stay home with my precious miracle, Isabella," Stapleton said.

Oh so now everyone's kid is a precious miracle? Hmmm, have fun explaining to li'l Trigger why he has to share being all precious and miraculous with some cooties-infected Latina-sounding chick named Isabella!

"At 2 years old, I have missed significant moments in her life, but I look forward with great happiness to celebrating milestones as well as mundane moments with her as I refocus my priorities. I also look forward to seeing my saint-of-a-husband again, too!"

WHOA WHOA, okay, calm down Meg. We get it. You literally cannot wait another second to get the hell away from that crazy Alaskan hell-woman and into the strong, burly arms of your very own patron saint hubby, Saint Francis of Assisi Stapleton.

"While I had hoped to work together on so many more projects, time with my precious 2-year-old has been further minimized with the whirlwind commitments of all things Palin," she said. "I have done my best to scale back, but Isabella is now resorting to hiding my BlackBerry, and she shouldn't grow up begging for a mother to start acting like a mother.”

I mean we all know how Bristol turned out...

"Meg has been deeply involved in all things Palin and instrumental in Sarah's many successes,” Fred Malek, a prominent Republican fundraiser and Palin friend, told POLITICO. "It's hard to replace anyone so loyal, tireless and effective, but the Palin phenomenon will continue. Meg has surely earned the privilege to devote more time to her 2-year-old daughter, but I expect she will continue to render advice to her good friend on key issues."

Oooooh, we hope so! Otherwise, how will Sarah ever know how to lie, cheat and distort reality to make herself look like she actually knows where the hell Africa is or what the hell she means by the "health care that's necessary to shore up the economy because it's all about job creation" other than baby Trigger doesn't stand a chance against NObama's death squads?

Or even how to yell at former baby daddy's on social networking sites using ironic quotes like "precious miracle" or "blessed little angel" all while going rogue on liberal elitist teleprompters, relying instead on the power of her unshakable faith in the Almighty to guide her.

To the nearest convenience store to pick up a pack of ballpoints so she can scribble nonsense on the palm of her hand like Jesus instructed.

Sarah Palin Doesn't Have Time For Naked Retards Like Levi Johnston

Alaskan oilfield worker turned celebrity baby daddy turned famous nude model Levi Johnston is apparently getting ready for his next big gig stuffed and hanging as the newest decorative piece on a wall in Sarah Palin's home office.

Which would help explain Johnston's interview on CBS's "The Early Show" repeating his earlier accusation that Sarah Palin is a terrible person and even worse mother who routinely referred to her son, Trig, who suffers from Down syndrome, as her "retarded baby."

"I was just in shock for the first time I heard it," Johnston said. "And then she'd say it regularly. And I think she was joking, but it doesn't make it right."

You bet(cha) your special needs ass it doesn't!

But being the gentleman he is, Levi's not gonna sit here and bad mouth that conniving, fame-seeking fraud Sarah Palin, opting to take the high road instead.

"There are some things that I have that are huge. And I haven’t said them because I'm not gonna hurt her that way...You know, I mean, if I really wanted to hurt her, I could, very easily. But there’s — I’m not gonna do it. I’m not going that far."

Still, Johnston said, "Those are just little things I put in Vanity Fair. You know, all the big things I got, I'm keeping -- you know, I'm keeping them in, and -- you know, it's just something that probably will never come out."

But don't worry because the real goods are still coming out--in an upcoming issue of Playgirl magazine--when Levi exposes the Johnston America's been waiting for.

Rest assured because like everything else Levi is involved in, the Playgirl spread will be done "tastefully."

"I'm not gonna just go out there and get naked." Ha ha, I mean what do you think he is some kind of idiot or something?

Whatever dude. Levi knows haters like Sarah will always do whatever they can to bring playas like him down.

"I'm sure Sarah's got something coming for me...I'm not worried about her saying anything about me. I've really never done anything bad. I don't have anything to hide. So she can go on and say what she wants."

Oh don't you worry Levi, something tells me that's one thing you can bank on.

Loyal Palin spokeswoman and defender from evil event planners Meg Stapleton is all over this latest attack on her majesty.

"We have purposefully ignored the mean spirited, malicious and untrue attacks on our family," Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said in an email. "We, like many, are appalled at the inflammatory statements being made or implied. Trig is our ‘blessed little angel’ who knows it and is lovingly called that every day of his life. Even the thought that anyone would refer to Trig by any disparaging name is sickening and sad."

Palin, who did not refer to Johnston (as a blessed little angel or specifically by name at all) singled out CBS for giving him a "forum to propagate lies" and alluded to Johnston's upcoming bare-all spread in Playgirl magazine.

“Consider the source of the most recent attention-getting lies - those who would sell their body for money reflect a desperate need for attention and are likely to say and do anything for even more attention,” she said.

Well well, imagine that. Guess you could just say he decided to go rogue!

Sarah Brings Main Street To The Mainland, Err Close Enough

And how did our lovely Alaskan doll do on her first ever trip to the magical land of Asia?? Did she dazzle the world’s leading investors who came from near and far to hear what infinite pearls of wisdom the foremost political and business minds on earth--minds like Sarah Barracuda Palin--had to say at this year's CLSA Asia Pacific Markets Forum?

Before we say anything, let's start with a big congratulations. We're just excited Sarah actually made it to Hong Kong without pulling the usual Sarah Palin-Meg Stapleton stunt of canceling last-minute and pretending to have never been invited in the first place. So kudos, Sarah, for passing the physical presence test with flying colors. That's the good news!

The bad news is also that she actually showed up. So, was the $170,000 to $220,000 Alaskan princess' speaking fee worth the price of one of her pre-RNC convention Wasilla-to-Minneapolis transformation shopping spree?

Hell yeah, if you like your speeches "long, humorless, George W. Bush-like and sounding unmistakably like a pitch for 2012."

Described by some as “safe” and by others as “uncomfortable," several audience members reportedly walked out of Ms Palin’s speech 30 minutes before the end, citing “more important things to do” or describing the talk as “too partisan and too much like a speech at the Republican convention.” Hey, their loss, right?

But those who stayed for all 80 painful minutes of the super-secret Sarah speech got to hear such coherent thoughts as USA! USA! USA! China, be good. China, cool it. Easy there, China. China's awesome and gave us chopsticks, but should share the Asia better. Barack Obama BAD. America and China GOOD! And she didn't even mention Facebook once! Maybe that's why people were so upset??

Or was it the lack of opportunity to fire any questions at Ms. Palin during her very publicly hush-hush, off-limits to the media, yet carefully-crafted for a global television audience speech?

“You would think that with her team of speechwriters and a supposedly media-free environment Palin could have afforded to be either funny or thought-provoking, but she was neither,” one senior fund manager said.

“This was about an obviously ambitious wannabe presidential candidate laying down a marker on her weak spot of foreign policy,” another added. “I think we are going to hear something very similar to this speech trotted-out again in different places over the next months and years.”

Yeah!! But only if she promises to keep "calling it like she sees it and sharing with us candidly her view right from Main Street, Main Street USA!" And saying things like "Common sense tells you that when you're in a hole, you have to stop digging."

But answer me this, Sarah. If everyone did that, how would anyone ever get to China?

Will Sarah Palin Quit On Asia Too?

Guess who's going to Asia? That's right! America's cuddly ice bunny from the Snowy North is heading to the Far East--to Hong Kong (of all places)--to serve the people!

Luckily, Sarah got her passport just in time to make the journey to the magical continent of Asia where she will say smart and funny things to investors of the brokerage firm CLSA Asia-Pacific Markets, much like Al Gore, Bill Clinton, and Alan Greenspan before her.

“Our keynote speakers are notable luminaries who often address topics that go beyond traditional finance such as geopolitics,” company spokeswoman Simone Wheeler said in a statement.

She said the conference aimed to present investors "a diversity of views that potentially influence decision-makers who help shape the markets."

“We just felt it would be a fabulous opportunity for CLSA clients to hear from Mrs. Palin,” Wheeler said, adding that CLSA approached Palin with the offer.

Oooh, this is so exciting! Sarah's first commercial speaking engagement and her first trip to magic Asian land--all rolled into one! But since it's tacky to discuss money, her speaking fees were not publicly disclosed. Betcha its a lot though!

The forum will also be closed to the media, and no word on the topic yet. (Please be Twitter, please be Twitter!).

September 23rd is the big day, which means Palin's loyal spokesperson and chronic bearer of bad news Meg Stapleton has approximately until September 23rd (ish) to cancel. And pretend it never existed in the first place. The forum, not Asia, that is.

Why Are America's Event Planners All Out To Get Sarah Palin?

Where in the world is Sarah Barracuda Palin? Alaska's sultry superstar has once again mysteriously disappeared right before she was scheduled to speak at one of her very important fundraisers, this one so slutty teenagers who get knocked up have no choice but to have the baby unless they want to get the ol' parental approval for an abortion.

Now normally Sarah's habit of shirking her duties is limited to elected terms in office, but ever since becoming an unemployed publicity whore and Facebook junkie, Palin's erratic behavior has instead metamorphosed into canceling paid speaking engagements at the very last minute while pretending she was never invited in the first place.

But since this is the "fourth time in recent months that an anticipated Palin speech has fallen through after Palin and her camp disputed they had ever confirmed it," loyal Palin spokesperson Meg Stapleton is used to concocting perfectly good explanations for these embarrassing incidents known as the Sarah Palin experience.

This time it's an event by the Alaska Family Council promoting an Alaska ballot measure aimed at making it illegal for teens to get an abortion without telling their parents. Organizers of the event have been advertising that Palin would give a speech and become the first official signer of the ballot petition tonight at ChangePoint, the Anchorage megachurch.

Palin spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said Wednesday, that "this is the first we have ever heard of a speech." She said Palin is out of state and won't be there, but naturally declined to provide details on where Palin is and what she is doing.

Alaska Family Council President Jim Minnery said it was news to him that Stapleton was saying Palin had no knowledge of the speech, since organizers have been talking to Palin "contacts" for weeks about it.

"All we can do is take people at their word that we've worked with in the past," Minnery said. "We've been working for several weeks on the event, promoting it very heavily. It would be a grave disappointment if she doesn't show up but the show will still go on."

Well, I'll be damned! This is indeed odd--even by crazy Palin's standards. Either literally hundreds of event organizers across the USA have joined forces in a massive conspiracy to fool the unsuspecting public into believing the Ice Queen herself would be gracing their shindigs with her glorious presence, even though it was just a figment of their imaginations. Or she was so busy protecting Trig from Obama's death panels, defending golden-haired messenger of truth Glenn Beck from the liberal media's unfounded, vicious character assassination, and posting on her favoritest Facebook, that everything else completely slipped her mind!

I mean what other explanation could there possibly be? She's on plug-patrol for Grandma?

Sarah Palin Won't Let Obama's Death Squads Kill Lil' Trigger

In her first "communication" since officially resigning as Empress of Alaska and warning the evil media to quit "makin' things up" like the nasty rumor that America's favorite Alaskan ice duo are going the way of Levi and Bristol, Sarah Palin took to the Internets to rail against President (?) Obama's Nazi-esque health care reform to kill her infant son Trig (gasp!) and all other undesirables, especially retarded babies and old people.

Now, Sarah is understandably very upset about the situation, which is why she took to her favoritest Facebook to warn the nation about Obama's gruesome call for mandatory execution-style murder of all Down Syndrome babies.

"The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

When lives of precious babies (Palin or otherwise) are at stake, there is absolutely no time for Sarah to worry about specifics such as reality. That's where "official" spokeswoman Meg Stapleton comes in!

When asked where the hell that unemployed Alaskan maverick got her information about Obama's plan to kill Trig, spokeswoman of the year Meg Stapleton pointed to page 425 of the House Democrats' bill, which contains a section referring to, "a list of national and state-specific resources to assist consumers and their families with advance care planning consultation for seniors, including voluntary discussions of living wills, power of attorney, or the decision to reject extraordinary measures of life support.”

At least Herr Öbama could have the decency to say what he actually means instead of hiding his murderous intentions in seemingly benign phrases like "consumers and their families."

Clearly, sociopath Barry's health-care overhaul would not only pressure senior citizens into killing themselves, but also specifically target little Trigger and who knows, probably even Sarah's entire family. I mean how old are her parents anyway? Definitely too old for Obama's tastes, and frankly, mine as well.

Luckily, we have a genius like Sarah to read between the lines and bring us the truth about Obama's death squads. And to think, she almost gave all this up to do something stupid like actually complete her whole elected term as governor. Thank goodness for higher callings!