Mark Sanford Knows God Loves Cheating Republican Hypocrites

South Carolina's shining star governor Mark Sanford may have been thisclose to having his face end up on a milk carton, if it weren't for the small fact that he was never missing at all, just on a covert op to South America to bang his "dear, dear friend" who understands him unlike that shrew wife of his, Jenny.

For most most moral leaders of the Republican party, a sex scandal (gasp!) like this would normally spell the end, but luckily Mark has a few things in his favor. For starters, his torrid love affair was with an actual child-bearing, estrogen-filled, ovary-producing woman, which happens so rarely with Republicans these days!

Secondly, other than this little slip-up, Mark has long been a shining example of decency, restraint and purity. This dedicated family man was among the first to call for President Clinton to resign after his perverted affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky was revealed, saying in 1998, "This one’s pretty cut and dried. I think it would be much better for the country and for him personally to resign."

But luckily Mark will not be heeding his own advice, caving in to pressure and resigning in shameful SC obscurity. Why? Because God wouldn't want him to!

“A long list of close friends have suggested otherwise – that for God to really work in my life I shouldn’t be getting off so lightly. While it would be personally easier to exit stage left, their point has been that my larger sin was the sin of pride.”

Um, I'm pretty sure your larger sin was running off to screw your South American mistress while your wife, kids, and and entire broke-ass state twiddled their thumbs wondering where the hell their stimulus-rejecting moral compass of governor was. But hey, who am I to judge another? Mark Sanford or something?

Sex, Lies, And Videotape

America's original $400 hair cut, philandering Southern gentleman John Edwards thought he was sitting pretty after Vegas playboy Sen. John Ensign and lovestruck Latina lothario Gov. Mark Sanford recently admitted their own extramarital affairs.

Certainly this will make everyone forget all about Johnny's little sexual indiscretion while his wife battled cancer and he ran for president of America, right?

Well maybe. If, in addition to repeatedly sowing his political oats in former mistress Rielle Hunter's fertile womb and likely impregnating her in the process, he didn't also decide to be DC's answer to Paris Hilton and videotape one of their hot sex romps for all the world to see.

That is, according to former Edwards aide Andrew Young in his new book proposal ($) with St. Martin's Press, which offers a decidedly different approach than wifey Elizabeth's scorned-but-forgiving media tour across America.

Like how Young's belief in Edwards "ran so deep that he agreed to take the fall for the candidate" even pretending to be the baby daddy and inviting the mysteriously pregnant Miss Hunter to live with him, his wife, Cheri, and their three children. He even agreed to be resettled with his family all the way to California where Rielle and her bastard child could live in comfortable anonymity, away from the prying eyes of Elizabeth, the media, and other unsavory types trying to catch Johnny in a, shall we say, compromising position.

It was while unpacking in his new home in sunny California that Young discovered the said videotape featuring John Edwards and Rielle Hunter, who had been hired by the Edwards campaign to record the candidate’s movements, engaging in some positions not exactly on his official platform.

Young also said that Rielle confided to him that she and Edwards talked about getting married should the candidate’s cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth god-forbid pass away, even discussing what music they’d play at their wedding. How adorable!

But that's not it. Young's "impossible to put down" proposal also claims that Sen. Edwards frequently clashed with boring, long-faced running mate John Kerry during their doomed, arugula eating 2004 race, and that John Edwards told him that Barack Obama promised to make him attorney general if he didn’t pick him as his 2008 running mate.

Instead, Elizabeth got John and we got Joe Biden. Everyone wins!

This Is One Bizarre Love Triangle We Could've Done Without

Umm, yeah, this is gonna be awkward. So I'm just gonna go ahead and save you the suspense: It's his kid.

You already know pretty boy family man John Edwards was running around screwing some broad--er make that his mistress--while he ran for president of the world and his wife battled cancer. He's just that kind of guy. So is it really that crazy to think that after endless romps in the sack, one of his li'l guys managed to squiggle in and implant itself in Rielle's fertile womb?

Who knows. Maybe Rielle is sluttier than we thought and goes around banging more than rich, smug politicians from one of the Carolinas.

I, for one, am not going to pretend to be an expert on the sexual exploits of a certain Rielle Hunter, aka Lisa Jo Druck, Lisa Hunter, Lisa Jo Hunter, Rielle Jaya James Druck. All I know is her and Johnny were going at it for quite some time when Miss Hunter suddenly found herself preggers with an anonymous love child, sworn to secrecy and whisked away to sunny California.

Either way this ends, I have a feeling wifey Elizabeth isn't going to be pleased. And something tells me John Edwards' presidential aspirations aren't getting any brighter. Not that they were so hot before this little faux pas.

I don't know. Something about this southern gentleman and his $400 dollar hair cuts just never really felt right. Almost as if it were too good to be true.