Is That A Glock In Your Pocket Or Are You Just A Mentally Ill Misfit From Arizona?

Usually when something shocking and terrible happens, normal people come together to grieve, express their sorrow, and reflect on the unspeakable tragedy in a heartfelt way, if only for a fleeting moment.

Then there's Arizona's way.

After witnessing one of their own elected Representatives, Democrat Gabrielle Giffords, and 19 others brutally gunned down in Tuscon by a Glock-wielding, grammar obsessed madman, the decent guys 'n gals in  the parched, Mexican-free wasteland formerly known as Arizona had only one thought on their mind: How they could get one of dem awesome gunz, too!

Together they let out a collective, booming yipppeeeeeeeeeeee before hightailin' it to the nearest corner gun shop to get their own two proud 'merican hands on a bright shiny new Glock 19mm RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND!

It's true! Gun shops throughout Arizona simply cannot keep the beautiful, shiny pocket death machines like the one used by Jared Loughner on their shelves, as the entire state was muy impressed with the cool efficiency by which it murdered innocent people. Such ease! Such precision! Such power! Such chaos! Such bloodshed!

But with such beautiful, spontaneous death comes a deep, dark creeping fear that soon the big bad gubmint will come and take away all their precious portable people-killing pocket devices, and the good citizens of Arizona will be left with nothing but English-only words and phrases, not hollow point bullets, to hurl at their elected officials and Mexican enemies of freedom.

"When the election process took place, people were fearful they were going to lose access to tactical firearms with high capacity magazines, as has been the case in the past when Democrats took office," said Blake Mecham, national accounts manager for Browning and its subsidiary, Winchester.

"People were rushing out to buy guns, because they were worried [Obama] was going to take their guns away," criminal justice professor William J. Vizzard, said. "He didn't have a single proposal on the table for gun laws. It defies reason. It's a culture unto itself."

Yes, a wonderful, rich culture of endless funeral line processions and black-clothed grieving mothers wailing in agony.

Because nothing says good business like some good old-fashioned carnage!

“Whenever there is a huge event, especially when it’s close to home, people do tend to run out and buy something to protect their family,” said Don Gallardo, a manager at Arizona Shooter’s World in Phoenix, who said that the number of people signing up for the store’s concealed weapons class doubled over the weekend. 

Greg Wolff, the owner of two Arizona gun shops, told his manager to get ready for a stampede of new customers after Jared Loughner opened fire at a Tucson shopping center on Jan. 8.

Wolff was right. Instead of hurting sales, the massacre had the $499 semi-automatic pistols -- popular with police, sport shooters and gangsters -- flying out the doors of his Glockmeister stores in Mesa and Phoenix.

“We’re at double our volume over what we usually do,” Wolff said two days after the shooting spree. “When something like this happens people get worried that the government is going to ban stuff.”

Wolff called the shooting “horrible.” Nonetheless, it has created a surge of publicity for the gun, he said.

“It’s in the news now. I’m sure the Green Bay Packers are selling all kinds of jerseys today as well,” he said. “I just think our state embraces guns.”

OMG, like totes same thing! One is a fun game people like to play and watch when getting wasted at the local bar, where full grown men lay sprawled and splattered on the ground. The other is football.

“It’s one of the greatest guns made in the history of the world,” said Wolff, whose two stores sell Glock-made weapons almost exclusively.

Which is only fitting for the greatest country God ever made in the history of the world...So he could pump 30 continuous rounds into it.

Mwhahahahaha, dumb mortal little Glock-suckers! God doesn't Retreat...or Reload!

Glenn Beck Cannot Possibly Die, Because Death Is For Mere Mortals, Not Blind Prophets On The Sacred Path To Involuntary Commitment

Holy Mental Mormons! Blond haired angel of truth and possibly soon-to-be blind prophet Glenn Beck took to his favoritest radio show, his own, to reveal some very startling news: the divine messenger himself, Glenn Lee Beck, may be dying! OMG!

Err, at least we think so, as Glenn Beck is being very cryptic about the whole thing, so it is very hard to understand exactly what the hell he's talking about. Especially without the aid of chalkboard, and any semblance of a rational brain.

So anyway, Glenn got all weepy and teary-eyed (and not the Vick's VapoRub kind of teary) on his radio show, which usually is a once-every-ten-minute-occurrence, but this time he seemed even more down than usual, and resigned to the fact that he might (or might not) be totally dying, likely sooner than later.

Oh wait, whoops, not actually dying, we must have misunderstood the man.

“What is happening to me mentally is not a depression, is not a death, it is a transformation,” he said, because everyone knows Mormon messengers of the Lord don't die, they simply morph into some super human/animal hybrid, typically a heartier, stronger vessel, to continue spreading their divine grace here on Earth.

'I don't necessarily mean physical, but mentally I think this is going to be a spiritual journey. It is going to be a physical journey. It is going to be a mental journey."

Oh sweet Shutter Island! Has Glenn Beck finally realized what the doctors have been telling him all along?? That he is physically fine, but mentally insane??

But what about the "tingling sensation and problems with feeling in his hands and feet?"

Glenn naturally realizes these are probably just "spiritual wounds" (Stigmata?) since it is a known fact that almost everyone in the world is constantly trying to sneak in and steal li'l bits of his beautiful, pure white soul every night under the cover of darkness. So that makes total sense!

But then one of the so-called "doctors" said something about how "we have to do all of these blood tests because we have to look for toxins and poisons, and that word stuck out to me. And it's not poison like you know, it's like lead paint. And I'm like, no, I haven't been eating lead chips. And that word stuck out to me."

Ya know because, he's always adored chips. Any kind really. Paint, Lead, BBQ, but especially sour cream 'n onion. That's his all-time favorite! Oh wait, he means that other word, poison. Ooops, honest mistake!

"The last 24 hours as I've been thinking about the doctors saying we're looking for toxins, we're looking for poisons in your body, I know what they are." (Socialist free radicals??)

"For four years I have tried to understand the mind of what I believe are monsters....And for four years I have been trying to understand the minds of people that I think are so misled, and they are the exact opposite of what I have tried to be, what I want to be, what I strive for."

Involuntary commitment at Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital?

"I believe we can be better people. I believe in the American experiment. But I also believe there are very misguided people, and I have been drinking that poison, which others may not find poison, but I do because it is exact opposite of me. And I have been 'That which you gaze upon, you become.'"

Holy Polygamy! Beck's been poisoned by the slow drip of sanity secretly being injected into him by watching Jon Stewart & Rachel Maddow? Or does he mean drinking the poison that comes with having to look and listen to Papa Bear Bill O' Reilly, Sean Hannity and whatever blond Hooters waitress currently anchoring Fox News, grunt all day and utter nonsense about Hitler NObama's roving death panels coming to kill li'l Trigger, Granny, and the entire Teabag nation?

The world may never know!

What we do know is Archangel Glenn will be taking several days off next week to "undergo tests at a hospital out west," which may or may not be the Betty Ford Clinic's psychiatric unit. Or maybe even the River Styx flowing along the boundary between Earth and Hades.

Glenn talked at length about how the bond with his radio audience has been built on a foundation of disclosure (and Goldline coins!) and that he felt it was important for him to share as much information as he could, “So that you will understand my mindset.”

It also helps if you down a tall, frosty glass of paint thinner, dress up like your favorite founding father, put yourself in a straight jacket, lock yourself in a small, whitewashed room with padded walls, look out the Overton Window, and speak in tongues about how the Virgin Mary and liberals are conspiring together to murder the holy li'l Jesus Christ fetus growing inside you, and implant the demon seed of Lucifer in your womb instead, in some sick, twisted satanic plot to help Obama win in 2012, Democrats retain both Houses of Congress, and slowly destroy the world from within.

Starting of course with the decaying mind of a one-time fallen-drunkard-turned-pudgy-born-again-Mormon Messenger-of-God (Brigham Young?) & Goldline International, whose path to Deification is paved with worthless Gold (plated) coins, faux tears, toxic chalkboard fumes, and a few too many deep fried paint chips.

Get well soon, you patriotic maniac! And remember, go into the light, Glenn! Go into the light!

For the Power of Prophet Profit compels you!

Besides, no one likes a tease, Glenny!

Will 1,000,000 Facebook Prayers Be Enough To Save Dearest Glenn Beck From Becoming America's Favoritest Blind Prophet?

When we were hit with the devastating news that the oracle of the ages, the spiritual eyes of loyal Christian patriots around the world, Glenn Lee Beck, may or may not go blind within the next year, we could hardly believe our still-functioning ears!

Not Glenn Lee Beck, the beautiful blond-haired, blue-but-maybe-also-blind-eyed divine angel of truth sent from the heavens to teach us mere mortals all about freedom, His Holiness, and why America is the bestest, most awesomest country ever to be blessed by God (and Glenn!) on the face of the Earth. Oh, please, please, Lord, anyone but him!

Well thank sweet sufferin' Jesus at least one über-concerned Beck head had the wherewithal and good sense to create a Facebook page called "1,000,000 Prayers for Glenn Beck" in the hopes that when his Holiness is casually perusing the Internets, like he usually does right after sunrise, He comes across this Glenn Beck-devoted page and suddenly realizes perhaps this beloved man is worth the time and effort to heal, after all! Why else would all these people be saying so on Facebook, if it wasn't true?

But what if God's too busy hanging out with angels on clouds or whatever to go on other people's Facebook pages and read all those concerned prayers, or what if He is old and behind the times and only has a MySpace or Friendster? Then what???

Just to be on the super safe side, wouldn't it make more sense to post prayers on God's Facebook page, so you'll know he'll get them (right away!), instead of maybe getting lost or stolen by Sarah Palin's loyal army of Facebook footsoldiers?

Because, we're assuming these are the same people who created the Facebook page praying that Barack Hussein Obama would die, and as far as we know, that bastard's still breathing away...

So ya know, just a suggestion.

But enough prattling on, let's take a look and see all the wonderful not-really prayers and messages concerned, Glenny Beck-blindness-consumed supporters have been leaving on the page's official "wall." Kind of like the Wailing Wall, 'cept this one is in cyberspace 'stead of Jerusalem, which is like probably holier if you think about it. Err, on second thought, it's probably better if you don't!

"Father in Heaven please show your mercy to your servant Glenn Beck. Lord I pray that you would grant him his sight to glorify yourself through him. Lord if it is to be that he loses his sight, I pray for a joy and peace with it, for him and his family, which passes all understanding. In Jesus name I pray."

“YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS TO JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD AND SAVIOR OF THESE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA SIR YOU ARE SECOND ONLY TO THE GREAT INFORMATION SOCIETY OF WHAT I LISTEN TO DAILY.”

"Prayed for you and your family last night. PROTECTION and continued wisdom. Not long ago I prayed for a modern day person to look up to. I'm thanking God for answering my prayer. You are so bold and unafraid. Thank you for using your gifts to glorify God. Love you, Glenn Beck!"

"Glenn, I started out thinking you were a bit too silly to ever make a real difference. In the past year I have seen you evolve into a legend. At this critical time in America you are so obviously put here as a guiding light to remind us all of the blessing of being American. I pray for your success and that you don't... lose your eyesight. We all recognize truth when we hear it... if we only listen with our heart."

"I see God's loving white light surrounding you and protecting you of any and all evil energies that may cause you any harm or discomfort. May this affirmation bless every patriot that is on the same educational mission to save our country. Thank you God for Glen Beck! Thank you God for giving each of us the courage to ...stand in our own power and speak the truth about the evil forces that is trying to destroy our lives and country."

"Psalms 27:1 The Lord is my Light and my Salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Strength of my life; of Whom shall I be afraid? Be not afraid Glenn. God is watching out for you. He has sent prayer angels to bathe you in daily prayer."

Amen!

As powerful and worthy of God's attention as these wonderful Jesus-filled odes to Glenn are, for those Beckians looking for an even more direct way to communicate with God, just close your eyes, get down on bended knees, fold your hands together, and say a prayer...IN YOUR MIND. Since it is a proven scientific FACT that God is in your mind and hears your every thoughts.

Plus, you don't even have to worry about God missing your wall post when He does His daily scan of the Earth. Rest assured knowing He will most certainly "hear" your silent prayer, and make a note of it in his blackberry or perhaps iPad if He's more of an Apple deity.

But, whatever you do, never forget the 1,000,000 Prayer For Glenn Beck Mission Statement:

"We support Glenn Beck and believe in the power of prayer. We pray that God will continue to bless, protect and give wisdom to Glenn, his family and all of his staff."

"We also pray that God will continue to bless Glenn with the gift of sight- for his vision has blessed our country by strengthening our faith, providing for us reason to hope and encouraging us to love others through charity."

"Please share and suggest this page to all of your friends and let Glenn know that we are praying for him and appreciate all he does for our country."

OMG, someone get Glenny's chalkboard quick! What's 3,375 People Like This times 1,000,000 Prayers For Glenn Beck, multiplied by the infinite power of God, divided by the terribleness of Obama, plus the awesomeness of Fox News, minus the number of eyes a good Christian patriot has, and you my friends have the precise GOD-GIVEN percent chance of Glenny not only making it out of this ordeal with his precious eyesight, and ability to weep pretend tears, miraculously restored, but his long-lost sanity as well.

LOL, JK! C'mon not even God is powerful enough to make that happen, silly fools!

Oh yeah, and one more thing! Please remember to adjust your Facebook privacy settings so that when God tries to read and/or respond to your prayers, he doesn't get the ol' "this user only shares some of his profile information with everyone. If you know this user, send him a message or add him as a friend."

Cause that's just awkwaaaaard!

"I See (Gold!)," Said The Blind Man!

Living legend and divine messenger Glenn Lee Beck is under investigation for his Goldline International scam, and also could go blind within a year, though, apparently it is not related to scamming people into buying worthless faux gold coins.

Talk about a rough week!

California authorities have launched an investigation into claims that Goldline International — the favorite investment arm of Fox News Hounds Glenn Beck and Mike Huckabee — is scamming people into buying coins and is sending them "something different from what they had ordered."

Every year, savory, not-at-all-sketchy Goldline International manages to sell hundreds of millions of dollars worth of gold, thanks to sales pitches from conservative Godsends like Beck, Huckabee, and the Law & Order guy who wanted to be president, until realizing that venture was as worthwhile as his pitchman gig pushing worthless shiny gold-plated objects upon unsuspecting viewers. 

"There are two main types of complaints we're seeing: "One is that customers say that they were lied to and misled in entering into their purchases of gold coins. And the other group is saying that they received something different from what they had ordered."

New York Representative Anthony Weiner told ABC News that America's favoritest Fox News, its patriotic weeping talk show hosts, and Goldline have formed an "unholy alliance" to rip people off:

Once they get people on the phone, they basically steer them into these so-called collectible coins and that's where the rip off becomes really profound," Weiner said.

"There's no doubt about it, that there's a whole universe of rare collectible coins and I know nothing about that field," Weiner explained. "Except to say this: Goldline doesn't sell those coins."

Hmmm, but they do sell well-packaged crap wrapped in beautiful bows & ribbons and served with a 100% guarantee of freedom or your money back. Errr, never mind that last part. How 'bout something even better, like say, the undying gratitude of Fox freedom fighters instead?

Or you could always just go get a cup, stand under Glenny, and collect his sacred tears streaming fresh down his plentiful cheeks. They're just as authentic as the coins, except they might actually be worth something more than the price of the eye drops he uses to produce them, on eBay.

Speaking of artificially produced tear drops, blue eyed angel of truth and renowned Nazi scholar Glenn Beck told 6,000 of his most devoted fans, who descended on the EnergySolutions Arena in Salt Lake City to hear El Weeping Savior speak at his "American Revival" event that he's been diagnosed with macular dystrophy, and could go blind within a year.

What, what, what!?!? Like so Jesus can miraculously cure you, and prove his divine powers to all the non-believers, heathens, and Christ-killing Jews out there??

Using his unique brand of "humor," Beck humbly explained his recent eye trouble, like difficulty focusing his eyes (and not just like the usual voices-in-his-head difficulties), and reading words more than two syllables long.

"So, I went to the best doctor I could find — while I could still go to the best doctor I could find."
Awww, snap! That is, at least until Barry ships every last doctor to the secret lair he has ready and waiting in Kenya, probably with the help of Al Qaeda!

The doctor told Beck he had "macular dystrophy," to which Beck HILARIOUSLY replied, "Is that that Jerry Lewis thing?"  "I should have given more."

OH, HAHAHAHAHAHA. Get it? Jokes about children with Muscular Dystrophy, which is almost the same thing (except not at all) are always hilarious, a regular laugh riot!

Beck then explained how the doctor told him he might be blind in a year or he might not.

"I said, 'Did you just charge me a thousand dollars for knowing what I already knew my whole life?' I knew that at 3! 'You might go blind someday. You might not,' " Beck said.

Duh! I mean, any fool with a mouth knows that! You might go blind, you might not. You might lose both arms in a terrible meat grinder accident, you might not. You might get filthy rich selling worthless junk to dumb, hapless Glenn Beck fans, you go to jail. You might also binge on drugs and alcohol, lose your mind, and get born again as a fat, white rich Mormon who weeps about freedom on the teevee every night. The possibilities are endless, really.

But then, the humor stopped, and the melancholy began. "I truly came to a place that is the greatest blessing," Beck said through tears. "Lord, if you need my eyes, they're yours. They've been yours the whole time, anyway. Thank you for letting me see as far as I have."

On the bright side, at least, he won't have any trouble looking at himself in the mirror anymore.

"If you have really, truly accepted Jesus, if you have really accepted the Atonement ... you can never, ever repay it. Ever. If he asks for your eyes. ... What? Are you kidding me? That's the smallest..."

Beck didn't finish his sentence as tears ran down his face.

That Vick's VapoRub stings like a motherf**ker!

The price of insanity divinity is steep my friends!

Pat Buchanan Has Seen Quite Enough Christ Killing Jews Nominated To The Supreme Court, Thank You Very Much

Actual insane person and shameless anti-Semite Pat Buchanan took to his syndicated column on fringe major news network, MSNBC, to ask the one question on everyone's mind following President Obama's heretical nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court.

No, no not the whole does playing softball make you an automatic lezzie question. Get your mind out of the gutter, people!

The other big question people keep asking themselves, after realizing that not one, not two, but THREE dirty Jews will soon be sitting on the Court, thanks to Comrade Barry's Bolshevik plot to do away with Christianity (and good, white, civilized people) once and for all!

"If Kagan is confirmed, Jews, who represent less than 2 percent of the U.S. population, will have 33 percent of the Supreme Court seats," Buchanan wrote. "Is this the Democrats' idea of diversity?"

How else would the pesky Jews be able to control the banks and media in Christian America?

You see, Uncle Pat understands your concerns. Believe me he does! Why else would he feel the same frustrations as all those black leaders expressing disappointment over Kagan hiring way too many white people while Dean of Harvard Law?

Because as a white Christian male in America, he has been through it all. The shame, humiliation, degradation, discrimination, and persecution that comes with being a person of no color in today's America. He feels your pain, brothas!

But while leaders in the black community may be upset, the folks who look more like the real targets of liberal bias are white Protestants and Catholics, who still constitute well over half of the U.S. population.
Not in living memory has a Democratic president nominated an Irish, Italian or Polish Catholic, though these ethnic communities once gave the party its greatest victories in the cities and states of the North.
What happened to the party of the Daleys, Rizzos and Rostenkowskis?
And not in nearly half a century has a Democratic president nominated a white Protestant or white Catholic man or woman.

Thank goodness there is still one party with the good sense and common decency to nominate pure, white judges, instead of one Christ-killer after another!

Otherwise, where in sweet heavens (or fiery hell) would all the poor, persecuted white Christians go once America is completely overrun by terrible Jews, homosexuals, abortionists, and assorted other causes of God's wrath in the form of catastrophic disasters like hurricanes, terrorist attacks, oil spills, and other indisputable proof that God hates sinners.

So, sorry, Jews! Maybe next time you'll pick the right Testament to follow and son of God to worship and then maybe people will like you instead of trying to kill, or convert and save you from eternal damnation and hellfire.
Not to mention the wonders that getting rid of those horns will do.

On the bright side, at least now Sarah Palin won't mistake you for a wild moose or elk when spraying lead bullets from her personal aerial hunting 'copter 10,000 ft above ground, just as Jesus Would Have Done.
If those damn Jews didn't get to him first, that is.

Rush Confuses Being The Size Of A Volcano With Being An Actual Expert On Said Volcanoes

Vile, hate-spewing king of blubber and blabber, Rush Hudson Limbaugh III, took to his favorite airwaves to seek some desperately needed attention, and also to remind the good (white) people of America that he is in fact, still living in this great land despite vowing to flee once Obama's evil plan to help those poor schlubs without effeminate, multimillion dollar palaces have access to affordable, quality health care, passed into law.

So thank you Rush, for at the very least, teaching us all the valuable lesson that life is full of disappointment, but if one wishes to reduce these disheartening blows, and avoid the more bitter aspects of human existence, they would be well advised not to believe a single word that comes rushing out of his gluttonous, overworked mouth.

Of course, considering the poetic brilliance that typically flows from his massive lips whenever some terrible event occurs (like America electing its first black president or passing health insurance that doesn't just ensure the health of the pharmaceutical companies), not to mention his sizable girth, ignoring the messenger isn't always easy.

Like just yesterday, when El Rushbo grabbed his bestest friend, Mike R. Phone, hit the on switch and began rambling on about how the volcanic eruption in Iceland was "God speaking" in response to the passage of health care in America, because apparently God can't tell the difference between frozen European tundra and frozen American tundra.

(Hint: If you see Sarah Palin shootin' at endangered wolves from the sky, it's our Arctic playground; the one where Bjork is wearing something that looks like whatever Sarah just shot and field-dressed, while skipping around yodeling about how it's "oh so quiet," it's theirs).

Anyway, so Rush is pretty sure that the passage of health care here is the reason why a glacial volcano went kablooey over there, because why wouldn't God reveal his Divine plans to an overweight, college-dropout with a drug problem?

RUSH: You know, a couple of days after the health care bill had been signed into law Obama ran around all over the country saying, "Hey, you know, I'm looking around. The earth hadn't opened up. There's no Armageddon out there. The birds are still chirping." I think the earth has opened up. God may have replied. This volcano in Iceland has grounded more airplanes -- airspace has more affected -- than even after 9/11 because of this plume, because of this ash cloud over Northern and Western Europe. At the Paris airport they're telling people to head to the train station to catch trains out of France, and when people get to the train station they're telling people, "There aren't any seats until at least April 22nd," basically a week from now. It's got everybody in a shutdown. Earth has opened up. I don't know whether it's a rebirth or Armageddon. Hopefully it's a rebirth, God speaking.

Hopefully, the kind that feasts on lying, ill-informed, obese hate mongers (with delusions of divinity), swallowing them up in its apocalyptic fury and wrathful vengeance en route to a brave new world, God speaking, of course.

So there you have it folks.

God decided to punish Americans for passing health care reform (to help poor people not die) by causing an Icelandic volcano to erupt and wreak havoc on European air travel.

Either God's aim is as pathetic as one of Sarah Palin's famous speeches-from-the-hand, or apparently, the All-Knowing, All-Powerful Creator of Heaven and Earth got into Rush's pill stash again.

Holy Duo Glenn Beck And Steve King Know A Health Care Vote On Sacred Sunday Means A Beautiful Angel Will Die

Rep. Steve King Doin' God's Work Per Usual

With the Congressional Budget Office (CBO) dropping the ATOMIC BOMB that the DEMONcrats' evil health care reform bill will reduce the deficit by $130 billion over the next ten years ($1.2 trillion over 20 years), and extend coverage to 32 million currently uninsured Americans, the dominoes are finally falling into place for Congressional Dems to move ahead and actually vote on this terrible holocaust of the poor, hardworking insurance industry this coming Sunday. Heavens forbid!

Which naturally means the dominoes on the other side of the aisle--who were already hanging by the slightest of threads--are finally falling apart.

Well, blue-eyed angels of mercy Glenn "I am Sam" Beck and Iowa Rep. Steve "Bachmann Wants On This" King, are not about to sit back and have mental breakdowns all by themselves, in the privacy of their own large, spacious homes, where no one can hear their pained cries of liberty lost. No sir-ee!

They're taking their instability straight to the people, expressing their dual outrage in sweet, collective harmony on Glenn Beck's radio show over the terrible news that the House might vote on health care reform this Sunday, the holiest of holy days!

The day the good Lord intended us to rest, not cast unholy votes on Satanic legislation to help dumb poor people not die, while rich fat cat insurance execs can get that sumptuous leopard fur coat with the alligator-skin lining they've been eying for years. Positively drooling over!

Rep. Steve King, for one, will not stand for such sacrilege, and is naturally taking his crusade to the airwaves.

"They intend to vote on the Sabbath, during Lent, to take away the liberty that we have right from God..."

Oh, you didn't know? Like most GOPers, Steve King has a personal relationship with Lord & Savior Jesus Christ.

"Faith has been perverted," Beck responded, then repeated. "They are going to vote for this damn thing on a Sunday, which is the Sabbath, during Lent."

Of course they would, the heretic bastards! Putting people's lives before the Sabbath, it's just sick. Waaaaaaaaay sicker than the millions of people in desperate need of the kind of Nazi coverage this Judas bill would provide.

"Here is a group of people that have so perverted our faith and our hope and our charity, that is a — this is an affront to God," Beck said.

Though Beck conceded that he didn't believe the Sunday vote was consciously chosen as a plot against God, he did find the timing highly suspicious. Though, that does tend to happen when you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia.

"I think it's absolutely appropriate that these people are trying to put the nail in the coffin on our country on a Sunday -- something our founders would have never, ever, ever done. Out of respect for God."

Never, neverr, nevvverrrr, nerrrrverrr, nerrrrrverrrrrr!!!!

Except for that one little time the Republican-controlled Senate convened on Palm Sunday (gasp!) in 2005 to save the only other life that matters to Republicans, besides a developing fetus: brain-dead women in permanent vegetative states, relying on the grace of God in the form of feeding tubes named Terri Schiavo.

Of course, that's totally different since everyone knows when Republicans do something, it is because God wills it, but when Democrats do the very same thing, it is because they are evil Nazis trying to destroy White, Christian America by turning it into a hedonist cesspool of sodomy and sin.

Kind of like when Glenn Beck told listeners last week to "run as fast as you can" from any church that preached "social or economic justice" because those were code words for Communism and Nazism, he really meant for them to flee on those other non-important days of the week, since God could care less about the the rest of the unconsecrated Monday-Friday week.

Sunday, on the other hand, is sacred, never to be soiled by Democratic infidels! I mean, when else can the Creator of Heaven and Earth throw back some brewskies while chillin' in his La-Z-Boy, catchin' some March Madness and not care who sees the Doritos crumbs all over his crisp white tunic?

On a depraved Monday?? Blasphemy!

Pat Robertson Shows his Usual Compassion in Wake of Massive Natural Disaster

With Jerry Falwell's old bones resting comfortably in eternal hellfire, the world looks to that other, still-living fundamental Christian lunatic for peace and comfort during these trying times.

Naturally, Pat Robertson was there to lead the way, much like he does whenever a massive natural disaster ravages the Earth, killing or injuring hundreds of thousands of poor people, by blaming it on said poors and their unChristian worship of Satan, all for his very important Disaster Relief Fundraiser work.

You see, what history buffs may consider to be cohesive political action that helped abolish slavery in the West, people like Pat Robertson consider to be part of a Satanic pact to destroy civilization. (We can only assume as part of the larger, homosexual conspiracy).

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French, uh you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French."

"True Story, and so the Devil said 'OK it's a deal.' And they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since they've been cursed by one thing after the other, desperately poor."

"That island is Hispaniola is one island. It's cut down the middle. On one side is Haiti on the other side is the Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, etc.. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. Uh, they need to have, and we need to pray for them a great turning to God and out of this tragedy. I'm optimistic something good may come but right now we're helping the suffering people and the suffering is unimaginable.

So, to make a long story short, Robertson thinks that the Haitians, much like the victims of Katrina (who ironically also happen to be of the dark skin variety), made a deal with the devil some 200 years ago--for freedom--when they should have known their place as slaves, and as a result are simply feeling the wrath of an angry God, in the form of the deadly earthquake we see today.

Tough titties. Didn't Pat always warn what happens to those who forsake Jesus? Or are gay? Or are black? Or are poor?

They end up six feet under like Pat's dear friend Jerry.

'Cept they don't go directly to the 9th circle of Hell near the frozen lake of blood and guilt, so they might not get a chance to send Pat's regards.

But, don't worry Pat, we're sure God reserved a nice cozy place for you, right between your old pals Jerry Falwell and Adolf Hitler.

Oh, and remember that homo teletubby Tinky Winky causing all that trouble?

Well, you'll be happy to know Tinky's become Satan's favorite plaything.

It'll be just like home!

Divine Intervention (and Plenty of Pork) Keeps Health Care Reform From Being FiliBUSTED!

Are you there God? It's me, Harry

Please God, let Joe Lieberman be struck down by some terribly contagious rash that then makes its way into the brain of that insufferable pro-life fetus whore Ben Nelson so we can finally look like a legislative body capable of getting something accomplished other than giving Glenn Beck one more reason to have a hysterical breakdown and weep like a baby on national TV. Because I don't think anyone, myself included, wants to explain to dungeon master Nancy Pelosi why exactly we can't crack the whip like a certain lady speaker who shall remain nameless but isn't afraid to break out the big guns to bring the boys in line.

What's that you say, God? You offered that intolerable Nebraskan fellow a hearty chunk of pork (even though we all know your thoughts on that filthy animal) for his beloved home state and now he suddenly loves the health care bill even more than he loves unborn fetuses??

Wow, you really are all-powerful! To think you got a curmudgeon like Ben Nelson to sign on as the key 60th vote to stop a Republican filibuster and all it took was a nice slab o' swine for the Cornhuskers and a few tweaks to the ol' abortion language?

What's that, Lord? It was all in a day's work? And you already had plenty of clout with most congressmen (save for that one freak atheist socialist Bernie Sanders), not just the whole "I hate health care and womens' reproductive rights unless there's something in it for me" wing of the party? All you did was wave some porky perks and tasty abortion restrictions and Ben Nelson was suddenly putty in your hands?

Is there no limit to your awesomeness?

"I know this is hard for some of my colleagues to accept and I appreciate their right to disagree," said Nelson of the many changes made at his behest. "But I would not have voted for this bill without these provisions."

Hahaha, no wonder they call you God and not Harry Reid!

The Higher Power Of Those In Power

For a country founded firmly on the separation of church and state, America's colorful flock of lawmakers and politicians sure know a thing or two about God almighty. Especially when it comes to asking his Holiness for all sorts of favors to help them in their mortal quests (whatever they may be).

Like hunky Florida Governor Charlie Crist whose close, personal relationship with God may or may not be what's responsible for keeping Florida safe from hurricanes and other scary storms since he took office in 2006.

Of course, Crist isn't trying to take credit for this miraculous phenomenon or anything (he'll leave that to God), but it just so happens that he's had prayer notes placed in the Western Wall in Jerusalem (the holiest Jewish place in the world!) each year he's been in office and not a single hurricane has dared hit Florida since.

Coincidence? I think not!

"Do you know the last time it was we had a hurricane in Florida?" Crist asked a group of real estate agents. "It's been awhile. In 2007, I took my first trade mission. Do you know where I went?"

To Israel, duh! Where he high-tailed it straight to the Western Wall to insert his personal note to the Creator to save Florida from nature's evil wrath.

"Dear God, please protect our Florida from storms and other difficulties. Charlie."

But that's not it! Every time someone, anyone, he knows goes to Israel, like Sen. Nan Rich last year and "a friend" this year, Charlie gives them a note--but not just any note, mind you. The SAME note with the SAME prayer as when he first tucked Florida's well-being in her holy cracks back in '07.

"You can do it on the Internet now, but I'd rather have it physically in there," Crist joked. He had decidedly less to say on the one golden rule religious leaders have about how "the note placed between the stones of the Western Wall are between a person and his maker. It is forbidden to read them or make use of them." Ugh, Rabbis can be so particular sometimes!

Who knows God's mysterious ways better than Minnesota's own deranged messenger of divinity, Michele Bachmann, whose presidential hopes depend on none other than the Supreme Being himself?

"If I felt that's what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it," she said. "When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I've said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it."

What a gal! But some heretics and godless Democrats say this unstable GOP wonder woman doesn't have a prayer in hell to make it on the national political scene, but then again they don't have a personal relationship with El Savior now do they?

"They want to make sure no women, no woman becomes president before a Democrat woman and so they’re doing everything they can to, I think, sabotage women like Sarah Palin, perhaps women like myself, or similarly situated women, to make sure that we don’t have a prominent national voice."

Hey, no worries Michele. You know better than anyone that God will decide which crazy lady gets to be lady-president first, not a bunch of stupid voters (who know nothing of HIS work anyway).

Just look at Sarah Palin. She's not worried about such small, earthly concerns. Why would she be? Not when she has preacher Bishop Thomas Muthee of the Wasilla Assembly of God church protecting her from un-American threats like goblins, demons and "every form of witchcraft."

"Pastor Muthee was here and he was praying over me, and you know how he speaks and he's so bold," Sarah said. "And he was praying 'Lord make a way, Lord make a way' ... He said, 'Lord make a way and let her do this next step.' And that's exactly what happened."

It did! Except for the little fact that not even the main man himself (praise his name!) could save a certain elderly running mate from being embarrassed by an uppity young man named Barack Hussein Obama and his devoted throng of pious voters.

During a presidential rally for John McCain last October, Rev. Arnold Conrad called upon the good Lord to get involved in the campaign because, "There are millions of people around this world praying to their God—whether it's Hindu, Buddha, Allah—that his [McCain’s] opponent wins for a variety of reasons...And Lord I pray that you would guard your own reputation, because they’re going to think that their god is bigger than you, if that happens. So I pray that you would step forward and honor your own name in all that happens between now and Election Day."

Hmmm. Guess he must have gotten Him on Sunday.

Like Sarah Palin, Mark Sanford Is Always An Innocent Victim

Poor Mark Sanford has had a very rough year.

The man's had to tearfully admit to a lot of sketchy behavior and pretty much constantly lying about everything, including a certain, little-known Appalachian Trail that leads to adulterous sex in Argentina.

With all these baseless new ethics probes over his travel and personal expenses, not to mention the growing pressure from South Carolina lawmakers and the Republican Party to resign, Mark is starting to understand what it's like to be Sarah Palin. And, it ain't easy!

Luckily, like his Alaskan soul mate, Mark Sanford answers to a calling higher than the "selective outrage" of fellow Republicans and the majority of South Carolina voters.

The "politics of personal destruction" mean squat if you have God on your side.

"I feel absolutely committed to the cause, to what God wanted me to do with my life," he said. "I have got this blessing of being engaged in a fight for liberty, which is constantly being threatened."

Because he is so blessed AND on the front lines in the epic battle for freedom, Sanford wants America to know he has absolutely NO REASON to start that terrible rumor that his bitter rival, Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, who has publicly called for Sanford's resignation, is a big fat GAY!

He would never stoop to to such lows! Must have been those other guys who hate Bauer and have every reason in the world to discredit him.

In fact, the Governor's office suspects it may be the same terrible people who've been dragging Gov. Sanford good name through the mud all this time just "for trying to change the 'good ol' boy' system of politics in Columbia."

And they think it's high-time to end these vicious, unsubstantiated character assassinations, whoever the target may be. Particularly innocent, philandering governors who bankrupt their state, not fag Lt. Governors. who hold their elected leaders accountable for their actions. Hiking trails to infidelity and all!

Bachmann 2012? God Willing!

God must really have a thing for hot right-wing politicians with questionable grips on reality and nothing but pure Jesus love in their hearts.

HE is always trying to tempt them with his "higher callings" and cryptic messages from heaven above. First it was devoted servant of the lord Sarah Palin who was forced to resign as governor of Alaska to pursue her higher calling of becoming Queen of the Facebooks and head ruler of Twitterland. What can you do when it's God's will?

But taking our sweet Alaskan bunny out of the political arena a year and a half before her term ended wasn't enough to satisfy Mr. Fickle Creator of the Universe.

Now he's got his sights on Minnesota's own crazy lady Representative Michele Bachmann, a remarkable women who "began her political career simply, as a Christian mom concerned about the content of school papers her children brought home in their backpacks, but today has become one of the leading defenders of liberty and conservative principles on Capitol Hill."

Well Minnesota's own Virgin Mary Michele Bachmann may just be gearing up to show her true freedom-defending color (white) to the world as a possible GOP presidential candidate in 2012--if a certain special someone wants her to that is.

"If I felt that’s what the Lord was calling me to do, I would do it. When I have sensed that the Lord is calling me to do something, I’ve said yes to it. But I will not seek a higher office if God is not calling me to do it. That’s really my standard. If I am called to serve in that realm I would serve. But if I am not called, I wouldn’t do it."

What is God waiting for? Did HE forget? Lose his voice from coaching Sarah? Perhaps it's some kind of test? Why else would God deny the world the guiding light that is Michele Bachmann? He did it for George W. Bush--with spectacular results!

Besides, this wouldn't be the first time Dear Savior called upon Michele to run for public office.

"...God then called me to run for the United States Congress. And I thought, 'what in the world would that be for?' And my husband said, 'You need to do this,' and I wasn't so sure. And we took three days and we fasted and we prayed, and we said, 'Lord is this what You want? Is this Your will?' And He made that calling sure. And it's been now 22 months that I've been running for United States Congress. Who in their right mind would spent two years to run for a job that lasts for two years? You'd have to be absolutely a fool to do that. You are now looking at a fool for Christ. This is a fool for Christ."

Well, at least she got one part right.

Mark Sanford Knows God Loves Cheating Republican Hypocrites

South Carolina's shining star governor Mark Sanford may have been thisclose to having his face end up on a milk carton, if it weren't for the small fact that he was never missing at all, just on a covert op to South America to bang his "dear, dear friend" who understands him unlike that shrew wife of his, Jenny.

For most most moral leaders of the Republican party, a sex scandal (gasp!) like this would normally spell the end, but luckily Mark has a few things in his favor. For starters, his torrid love affair was with an actual child-bearing, estrogen-filled, ovary-producing woman, which happens so rarely with Republicans these days!

Secondly, other than this little slip-up, Mark has long been a shining example of decency, restraint and purity. This dedicated family man was among the first to call for President Clinton to resign after his perverted affair with White House intern Monica Lewinsky was revealed, saying in 1998, "This one’s pretty cut and dried. I think it would be much better for the country and for him personally to resign."

But luckily Mark will not be heeding his own advice, caving in to pressure and resigning in shameful SC obscurity. Why? Because God wouldn't want him to!

“A long list of close friends have suggested otherwise – that for God to really work in my life I shouldn’t be getting off so lightly. While it would be personally easier to exit stage left, their point has been that my larger sin was the sin of pride.”

Um, I'm pretty sure your larger sin was running off to screw your South American mistress while your wife, kids, and and entire broke-ass state twiddled their thumbs wondering where the hell their stimulus-rejecting moral compass of governor was. But hey, who am I to judge another? Mark Sanford or something?

Mike Huckabee Loves God Too Much To Support Comrade Barry's Assault On Religion

Everyone knows Comrade Barry's $828 billion stimulus package is just part of the Democrats' grand master plan to transform America into Soviet Russia.

But did you know the stimulus bill hates God? Well it does. And if you support it, you obviously hate God too.

Just ask former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee. He knows all about the deviant, "anti-religious" nature of Obama's devil bill, which bans higher education funds from being used on a “school or department of divinity.”

I mean who does Barry think he is, acting all founding father-like trying to separate church and state, like some nouveau Benjamin Franklin.

Luckily, America has Mike Huckabee to warn us about this liberal scourge masquerading as an economic stimulus bill to help millions of struggling Americans.

“You would think the ACLU drafted this bill...Emily’s List, radical environmental groups...are working with an equally ‘progressive’ President Obama" to ruin America and take away our precious freedoms.

Next thing you know Obama will be telling us humans really evolved from apes and not Adam's rib or some other crazy, half-cooked liberal concoction like that.