Oy Vey! Since Weiner's Unkosher, Ultra-Orthodox Jews In New York Help Elect A Different Kind Of Prick: A Republican!

OMG, did you hear the news, America? The mind-blowing, earth-shattering, life-altering, universe-imploding news straight out of Anthony Weiner's pants New York's 9th about Barack Obama being un-elected, thanks to a special election to replace fallen Democratic cocktease, err congressman, and Twitterin' fool, Anthony Weiner with someone a little less circumcised and a little more racist.

Hooray??

You see, a funny thing happened on the way to Kew Gardens. Apparently, instead of just voting to replace Anthony "Cock Shot" Weiner, his entire former NY-9 district got together to cast their 2012 Election votes a good year-plus ahead of time in a referendum on that terrible failure Barack Hussein Obama for everything Republicans hate about him (his skin color?).

Turns out, New York is sick and tired of being a godless, gay, Jew-less, Socialist mecca for no-good terrorist Muslims, which is why NY-09 decided to use this special House race to elect a Republican for the first time since 1922.

That's right, people! The fair citizens from southern Brooklyn to south central Queens (Rego Park, what what!) have chosen 70-year-old Muslim hating maniac and Teabagging delight Bob Turner over 56-year-old (not quite ultra) Orthodox Jew Democrat David Weprin as the new President of New York of America.

Because contrary to what the Jew-run lamestream media would like you to believe, Jewish voters actually hate Obama (just ask Fox News!), which is why the black hat, ultra-orthodox Jews chose Turner, a Catholic, over Weprin, a Jew Obama, a Jew-hater.

But that's not all! It's also because of the gays getting gay-married and Muslims building Muslim-y Mosques all over the once-sacred streets of strip clubs and sex shops in Lower Manhattan.

According to the AP:

Democrats enjoy a 3:1 registration advantage over Republicans in the district, but it’s relatively conservative by New York standards in national contests to make it upset territory, going for President Obama with only 55% of the vote in 2008 with similar numbers for John Kerry in 2004. The district’s unique ethnic makeup — heavily Jewish (especially Orthodox), heavily Irish and Italian, and heavily Asian and Hispanic — and strong local character makes it difficult to declare it representative of the nation of large.

But voter frustration with Obama put Weprin in the unlikely spot of playing defense. Turner, a 70-year-old Catholic, vowed to push back on Obama's policies if elected.

Weprin became embroiled in New York-centric disputes over Israel and gay marriage, which cost him some support among Jewish voters.

Orthodox Jews, who tend to be conservative on social issues, expressed anger over Weprin's vote in the Assembly to legalize gay marriage. And Weprin was challenged on the right of the sponsors of the Park 51 community center, a proposed Islamic center and mosque near the World Trade Center site, to locate their project in Lower Manhattan.

So congratulations to Bob Turner, the new representative of your crazy, racist, homophobic, Jewish aunt with five cats, 500 square feet of prime studio space, and zero tolerance for gross gays, even grosser Muslims, and of course, the grossest of all, charming, chocolate-colored presidents.

Mazel Tov to Bubby! You've successfully traded a Weiner for a dick!

President Barack Obama Becomes The Newest Politician To Tweet His Private Thoughts, Hopefully Not His Private Parts

Barack Obama, aka Barry from the block (Pennsylvania Ave, what what!) finally got around to installing the Twitter application on his Blackberry, probably now that the rest of the dorks in Congress have taken a collective, much needed break from incessantly tweeting fuzzy pics of their genitalia and other wonderful congressional delights in 140 characters or less.

Which, sadly, means the world may never know what kind of booze John Boehner prefers (whatever you got) or which gas-guzzling, environment-destroying, ridiculously dumb lawn mower contraption Chuck Grassley rides when not passing terrible laws or fighting for corporations' rights to fleece poor schlubs like me, you, and anyone else without endless hours of free time or acres of Iowa cornfields to pretend to mow, poorly.

But, noooooooooooooo!

Instead, we're stuck with the world's lamest Twitterer, BO tweeting about how "Being President is not as hard as being a father" instead of sending fun, exciting pictures of his package nestled cozily in its resting place below his golf shorts where a presidential penis ought to be.

So thank you "Body Odor" for letting everyone know that being a parent is harder than being a president. Turns out, it's also more rewarding! Probably because when he tells Sasha and Malia what's going on, he doesn't also have to explain basic math, grammar, economics, history, science, geography, and the basic laws of the universe every single damn time, over and over again, as though it were the first time they've ever heard of anything, other than Socialism and Fox News.

Because being president is like dealing with millions of kids in diapers except substitute kids in diapers for old, racist white people with Alzheimer's.

So, umm, mind if we take that terrible job leading the Earth, then?

But before we're too hard, let's not forget that BO is new to this whole type 140 characters onto a keypad and press enter thing. He doesn't yet understand the point of Twitter isn't to share random, profanity-free thoughts about your current employment situation, inform people on upcoming campaign events, offer ways to improve the economy, or anything boring and substantive like that.

Tsk, tsk! Dumb rookie!

Obama will just have to learn to stick to tweeting rambling, incoherent, often inflammatory gibberish he simply invented, or better yet, pulled out of his ass that the lamestream media can then endlessly obsess over and gleefully call "breaking news stories." Or just call Sarah Palin for help, because you betcha she is already very good at the whole spewing nonsense stuff.

Or if you're really desperate (like John McCain/Newt Gingrich desperate), just snap a pic or two of the biggest Boehner and/or Weiner you can find, which will likely be sobbing like a schoolgirl on the nearest golf course, and local rehab facility, respectively.

Anthony Weiner (& His Weiner) Head To Rehab To Learn How To Have A Proper Sex Scandal...The Kind That Involves Actually Getting Laid

So now that Anthony Weiner and his rock hard weiner abs have been turning up every which way in the never-ending dick joke that is now his life, the once-promising, loudmouth, star New York congressman has decided to do what every other shamed (Democratic) politician does when caught doing weird, naughty things: cries like a baby and goes to "rehab."

So condolences to CNN, MSNBC, CBS, PBS, ABC, and most of all, Fox News, whose days of providing cocksure liberal Anthony Weiner the perfect forum on which to hear his own terribly annoying voice, has been cut short, thanks to the terrible disease known as Twitter banging random womenfolk with sexytime pics of his luscious manscape.

And now, like Tiger Woods before him, Anthony Weiner is off to the crazy house, for treatment on how to avoid publicly humiliating yourself by sending pics of your peen en masse to unsuspecting women on the internets. Then maybe everyone will forget that his sordid sex scandal didn't even involve actual sex (sordid or otherwise) but rather just a bunch of tasteless photos of a shirtless Weiner grabbing his own weiner before most likely rubbing one out in the congressional gym shower.

And hopefully this scandal too will fizzle out, fall off the top of Google News, and return to its final resting place in the subconscious minds of the public as a constant reminder that all politicians are in fact lying scumbags who could maybe get something done if they didn't spend all their time admiring the stimulus package tucked beneath their pleated Dockers through a steamy, fogged up mirror.

It doesn't help that everybody who's anybody wants Weiner to quit and go away already, with Nancy Pelosi saying very stern, Grandma-ish things about how he should seek mental help “without the pressures of being a member of Congress.”

Oh please, like being insane ever stopped anyone from being in Congress!

Even President Obama got into the mix, saying, "I can tell you that, if it was me, I would resign."

Ummm, yeah Obama, because that would ever be you. Besides, everyone knows if it was you sending cock shots to teenagers on Twitter, you'd be less worried about your job and more concerned with getting your skinny ass into the Witness Protection Program before Michelle finds out and goes all Lorena Bobbitt on you.

In the meantime, Weiner hasn't resigned but is instead seeking some kind of "treatment" at an undisclosed treatment center somewhere in America, perhaps using a discount coupon from the new adult sexting startup: GropeOn.

As of now, House Democrats get to keep their Weiner, Republicans still have their Boehner, and Anthony Weiner accomplished his life-long goal of introducing the nation to its newest (and cockiest!) congressional member.

And from what we hear, he's a lot like his daddy: a real prick!

Anthony Weiner's Weiner Still Works, Is Still All Over The Internet, & Is Still A Big, Throbbing Distraction

Another day, another pathetic, sadsack politician feeling the heat because he couldn't keep it in his pants, or in this case, off Andrew Breitbart's pervy iPhone.

And this time, the no-longer-contained-in-boxer-briefs weiner in question belongs to none other than aptly named New York congressman Anthony Weiner, who apparently managed to put his wonderful, web-cruising weiner in his wife at least once, recently, when not taking pictures of it to send to strangers on Twitter.

Which is, umm, good because now Mrs. Weiner, Huma Abedin, is three months pregnant, presumably with his spawn, unless of course Huma was also slyly chat rouletting her hooha to complete strangers on the internet.

So yes, America's modern-day Bill Clinton (Democrats + Erections + Internets = William Jefferson Clinton) Anthony Weiner and his grand ambition to seduce strangers with unsolicited sausage shots become mayor of New York City is likely over, for now at least, and quite possibly his political career in general.

Unless, the American people are willing to forgive Sir Weiner for his sexting and shlong sending sins, which of course can only be accomplished by crying like a little schoolgirl and tearfully admitting (with certitude!) that yes, that is indeed his bulging groin in question and yes he, not some mysterious hacker, did send them to a lady or six, to a roomful of reporters on national teevee.

Since in typical Democratic fashion, Anthony forgot to read the sex scandal manual and didn't actually sex any of the half-dozen or so random ladies in question, hike the Appalachian trail to hot Argentinian mistresses, catch BJs from an intern, bang prostitutes, wear diapers, misuse public funds, or break any laws, but rather just tempted them with a bunch of embarrassingly lame, grade-school photos of a peen snuggled cozily in gray boxers, he has no plans to resign from office.

“I have made some terrible mistakes,” Weiner told reporters. “I have not been honest.”
Mr. Weiner said that after he sent the underwear photo on Twitter on May 27, “Once I realized I had posted it on Twitter I panicked, I took it down and said I’d been hacked.”
He added, “To be clear, the picture was of me, and I sent it.”
Mr. Weiner said he had inappropriate communications with six women over the past three years as part of a “consensual exchange of e-mails” with the women.

Awww, how sweet! But even this tearful admission doesn't change the fact that Weiner has acted like, well, a colossal Weiner these past few days, using the internet as his own personal X-Rated Sexy Lady Sims Game, then lying about for days once he got caught, and pretty much acting like an all-around jackass (even more so than usual) on some whirlwind, inexplicable media blitz to make himself appear even guiltier than everyone already assumed.

On the bright side, Weiner did manage to knock up his wife while digitally frolicking with random women in cyberspace (yay?), plus he most likely didn't violate House rules by using congressional resources to send said dick pics to his various ladyfriends (save for the $1.50 or so it cost to sex-chat one of 'em on his official congressional phone), and is one of the few politicians to accomplish the rare feat of getting caught in a humiliating, possibly career-ending sex scandal that doesn't actually involve sex.

And the Weiner is...

Tony's Tiger...It's Grrrrrreat!