High School Losercal: If You Looked Like Rick Santorum In High School, You'd Probably Hate The World Too

Oh so that explains it.

Here's Rick, err make that "Rooster" Santorum back when he was manager of his high school baseball team, presumably so he could smack hot, sweaty asses and shout "hit the showers" after every game.

And by the looks of it, the dude got even less pussy than we already suspected. Which pretty much answers all questions about the man the myth the stiff in a sweater vest who hates vagina almost as much as the emotionally fragile, money sucking, space wasting, needy trainwrecks attached to them.

But why "Rooster" you ask? Isn't it obvious? The dude loves cocks!

[image via BuzzFeed]

Rick Santorum Would Love To Grant Puerto Rico Statehood If OnlyThey Weren't So Weird & Mexicany

 Rick Santorum Shirtless: Keeping Kids Abstinent One Nipple At A Time

Rick Santorum took a break from his usual spewing nonsense about the dangers of rubbing unmarried loins together and letting silly women make important choices about their own deviant bodies to offend another oft-persecuted group of people, the scary foreign-tongued Mexicans.

Sure they may live in Puerto Rico and speak English, but that didn't stop Señor Douchebag from explaining to them in good, proper American English that if they want statehood, they must speak the language of prosperity and patriots instead of tilde "ghetto" crap.

¿Comprende amigos?

“Like any other state, there has to be compliance with this and any other federal law,” Santorum said. “And that is that English has to be the principal language. There are other states with more than one language such as Hawaii but to be a state of the United States, English has to be the principal language.”

Otherwise you become a multi-lingual whore like that hula slut Hawaii and have bastard sons who go on to become half-black, illegal Presidents of the United States of Socialism.

Not like Hawaii is a state or even part of America. Because if it were, B. Hussein Obama would be a natural-born citizen and Rick Santorum wouldn't be forced to insult entire island territories/self-governing commonwealths (or whatever the hell Puerto Rico is) by pulling a bunch of made-up shit out of his pasty-white (English-only) ass.

However, the U.S. Constitution does not designate an official language, nor is there a requirement that a territory adopt English as its primary language in order to become a state.

Oh. So, apparently Rick Santorum knows as much about the Constitution as his wife does about orgasms.

Luckily "Santorum" means the same thing in every language.

¡Ay, caramba!

Rick Santorum AKA Pope Pius XIII Wants To Vomit All Over America Because Of JFK

Insane person and frothy byproduct of anal sex Slick Rick Santorum is once again all hot 'n bothered, but this time it isn't even because of hoity-toity elitist college educations, horny teenagers grinding their privates against one another like sweaty savages, the legally sanctioned Holocaust of the unborn, or secret Muslim terrorist presidents who don't believe America is locked in a WWE-style battle to the death with Satan or women's ladyparts.

No, no, this time Rick Santorum is whining and bitching and moaning (*not in a sexual way) about something really terrifying: that one allegedly Catholic president John F. Kennedy's famous, 52-year old speech in which he says the unthinkable, “I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute.”

ABSOLUTELY revolting! So gut wrenchingly horrifying, in fact, that it makes weirdo Rick want to vomit all over your face!

Here's part of Kennedy’s remarks, specifically the part that forces His Holiness Rick Santorum to excommunicate JFK to every layer of hell, while simultaneously retching his toxic bile on the good people of America:

I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote; where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference; and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him.
I believe in an America that is officially neither Catholic, Protestant nor Jewish; where no public official either requests or accepts instructions on public policy from the Pope, the National Council of Churches or any other ecclesiastical source; where no religious body seeks to impose its will directly or indirectly upon the general populace or the public acts of its officials; and where religious liberty is so indivisible that an act against one church is treated as an act against all.

Ah yes, profoundly reasonable remarks, indeed the very tenet this fine country was founded upon...which Rick Santorum hears and promptly proceeds to go baaaaaarrrrrrffffffff and spew nasty high-projectile Santorum from his wide gaping mouth:

To say that people of faith have no role in the public square? You bet that makes you throw up. What kind of country do we live that says only people of non-faith can come into the public square and make their case? That makes me throw up and it should make every American…

Shut up, then grow up, and when I look at you I throw up, and then your mom goes around the corner and licks it up??

Now we’re going to turn around and say we’re going to impose our values from the government on people of faith, which of course is the next logical step when people of faith, at least according to John Kennedy, have no role in the public square.

Wait, what?? I always thought the next logical step was to get gay married and give Socialist fist bumps all around when people of faith froth like Rick Santorum, at least according to the American voters, have no role in the public square.

It goes without saying that Rick has no role in the private square either, but we're trying to keep our vomiting to a minimum, like say, the number of orgasms Rick's had in his lifetime. 

After all, intolerance and freedom go together just like Santorum and vomit. A match made in Judeo-Christian heaven!

Fuck Berlin, this is Santorum's world. "Ich bin ein Bulimic!"

[image via Wonkette]

Mitt Romney Is A Huge NASCAR Fan & Has Almost As Much Personality As The Cars Racing In It

Billionaire everyman Willard "Mitt" Romney simply cannot stop reminding America what a regular, down-to-earth, hard-working, obscenely wealthy, non-robot guy he is, with a white picket fence (around one of his mansions, he's sure!) and a wife who drives "a couple of Cadillacs" like the rest of you people with jobs and what's the weird "M" word again, oh yeah, mortgages.

Naturally, Mitt won't be watching the Daytona 500 or anything crazy human like that (good God, no!), 'cause I mean haha, c'mon, but some of his best friends do own racing teams and he does love sports and cars, specifically buying cars for sport. You know, typical guy stuff!

After spending much of the week in Michigan defending his opposition to the 2008 auto bailout, Mitt Romney got acquainted with a different side of the car industry during a visit to Florida’s Daytona International Speedway.

Asked Sunday if he follows racing Romney replied, “Not as closely as some of the most ardent fans, but I have some friends who are NASCAR team owners,” the AP reports.

OMG, totally! Kinda like how even though he isn't specifically a fan of black people, he is friends with some former owners of black people.

Besides, Mittens doesn't have "friends." He does have people who fetch him stuff when he rings a bell, which is sort of the same thing, right?

Either way, NASCAR's #1 fanatic in a fancy dress shirt, Mitt Romney, was so revved up for the big race he could hardly contain his enthusiasm (i.e. an unnatural smile), telling the crowd the event "combines a couple of things I like best, cars and sports.''

And beer! And baseball! He doesn't technically "follow" the sport, but he does know the owners and is a big fan of diamonds.

But don't you dare think his decision to leave Michigan just days before the state's primary was a sign he was confident he'd win or anything. Heaven forbid!

"No, it's a sign of a guy who loves cars. And this has always been a place where American cars have shined. And a long history from Daytona being connected with Detroit, with Detroit cars, and with the spirit of America.''

Which he looks forward to crushing with as little emotion as is non-humanely possible, as soon as he's elected this coming November.

Declining the opportunity to trash talk a car sponsored by his rival Rick Santorum, Romney instead replied, "I just hope they all have a good race.''

Or at least one more successful than his presidential one.

[image via Reuters]

Rick Santorum Has Intimate Knowledge Of Satan; Coincidentally, It's Also The Only Thing He's Intimate With

I'm sure by now you've probably heard some vague rumblings about the mysterious substance surging through the nation, oozing its frothy, God-fearing, Santorum-y essence across the vast, toxic, anal sex-ridden, pagan and homosexual wasteland that is OBAMA'S United States.

But just who is this frumpy Jesus freak in a sweater vest spreading the gooey missionary (style) gospel of one whiny, frightened, sexually frustrated, middle aged white man who loves the ladies, save for that scary sinkhole tucked between their aspirin hugging knees?

And even more importantly, just what exactly is "burning down there," Rick? The eternal flame of a 2,016 year-old Jewish carpenter who somehow made his way into his already-bunched up tighty-whities?? The volcanic force of thousands of pent-up erections ready to explode inside virginal Christian wombs the world over?

The work of the great S-named force of evil plaguing our once-pure, once-chaste, once-white Christian nation? No, no not Sex. Give up? Why Satan, of course!

"Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity, and sensuality as the root to attack all of the strong plants that has so deeply rooted in the American tradition."

Please don't say the pussy willow, anything but pussy please!

"This is a spiritual war. And the Father of Lies has his sights on what you would think the Father of Lies would have his sights on: a good, decent, powerful, influential country - the United States of America. If you were Satan, who would you attack in this day and age? There is no one else to go after other than the United States and that has been the case now for almost 200 years, once America’s preeminence was sown by our great Founding Fathers.”

Likely after they sowed their freedom juice into the French hookers Ben Franklin was kind enough to share with the rest of his fellow founding brethren.

Naturally, Santorum defended his comments at a rally in Phoenix, saying that unlike his Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, it's "absurd" they resurfaced in the first place.

“It's a joke, it's absurd," he said. "I‘m a person of faith. I believe in good and evil. I think if somehow or another because you’re a person of faith you believe in good and evil is a disqualifier for president, we’re going to have a very small pool of candidates who can run for president."

Don't be ridiculous, Rick! You and your freaky, sex-hating, loin-burning, misogynistic Christian lunatics are more than welcome to run for president. It's just the winning part that's off-limits.

"Our president refuses to call evil – evil. He refuses to even name it, refuses to confront it. He tries to appease and cajole it in an effort to reduce America's commitments around the world - that if we just have paper or if we just try to make nice with those who are actively doing harm to America and its allies, that somehow or another that threat will go away or be ameliorated."

"And what we have found is that is simply, from history, it doesn't work."

Sort of like whatever Rick's got "burning" down there.

With polls showing Romney and Santorum in a statistical dead heat and primaries looming in both Arizona and Michigan, Rick appealed to the audience about the importance of the upcoming contests.

"You are going to have a huge impact," he said. "Everybody is focused in on Super Tuesday. But more than anything else, what happens in Michigan and Arizona next week is going to have the biggest impact on Super Tuesday and this election than any two states."

Well, other than his favorite states, denial and suppression.

Let's just hope Santorum doesn't blow his load first. Err, lead, I meant lead!!

After all, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist. If it wasn't for that damn trail of Santorum left behind!

[image via AP]

Oy Vey! Rick Santorum's Gift To The Jews Is A Holiday Wish From Jesus Christ

Leave it to sweater-vest rocking, missionary-sex crusading, Christ loving, gay-bashing Republican Rick Santorum to know just what the Jews of South Carolina (all six of them!) want to hear around Hanukkah time: A quote from Jesus Christ in the New Testament threatening people who don't follow HIS word. Here's looking at you, Jews!

Because nothing says "friend of the Jews" more than a gold and red "Holiday Season" card inscribed with a Christian Bible verse reminding the Chosen people why, by refusing to worship Lord & Savior Jesus Christ, they have chosen to go straight to hell.

Or as the Jews say, Chell.

Which, coincidentally enough, feels remarkably like South Carolina.

Seriously, Rick, haven't the Jews suffered enough?

Rick Santorum Is Frothing Mad That Equal Rights For All Applies To Weird, Scary (Tempting?) Homosexuals

Stripped away, really Rick? Stripped? No sexual connotation there.

Wait, what? Apparently, Rick "Google me at your own risk" Santorum confuses restoring rights with destroying rights. Or at least when it comes to gross gays and lezzies who Rick knows shouldn't be allowed to get gross gay-married or do anything except get ridiculed, marginalized, and discriminated against by bigoted closet cases straight-as-a-heterosexual who thinks nonstop about men putting their penises into other men's assholes.

Guess when it comes to asssholes, it takes one to know one, right, Rick? But what does the rest of one man+one woman America think about the worst miscarriage of justice since millions of white kids had their rights to separate, negro-free schools stripped away by activist judges in Brown v. Board of Education?

Finally one thing we can all agree on: Rick Santorum is the worst human ever!

But the dude sure is funny.

"As President I will work to protect marriage."

Hahahahah. "As President." Good one, Rick. Good one.

That's almost as good of a joke as your (hetero)sexuality!

Slick Rick, The Ruler!

Remember that former Pennsylvania senator and certified Republican nutjob Rick Santorum who simply CANNOT see the difference between a man having sex with another man and a man having sex with a dog?

Well, guess what America? He wants to be your next president, and as such, will head to Iowa in early October for the only reason people go to Iowa at the start of a six-month winter: to convince the Republican party's wingnut base that they love Jesus and are ideologically deranged enough to win the Iowa Straw Poll and become the next Republican presidential nominee. Yeah!

Sort of like Mike Huckabee last year. That worked out, right?

Anyway, so crazy Rick Santorum is hoping to be like Mike and channel some sweet Iowa-love in his triumphant return to the political arena since basically getting anally raped in his 2006 Senate re-election bid trouncing. By a Democrat, no less!

So, go Rick Santorum! It's always a treat when everything that's wrong with the Republican Party is rolled nicely into a single, insane candidate.

Plus, I hear Iowa has quite the soft spot for whack job conservatives who believe consenting adults have no constitutional right to privacy when it comes to sexual behavior, particularly deviant kinds like homo sex, incest, polygamy, and bestiality, all of which are exactly the same and equally abominations before the Lord.

But that's not it! Rick also happens to be anti-evolution, anti-immigrant, anti-abortion, anti-gay and anti-anything that even remotely resembles sane, rational thought or intelligence of any kind.

To make things easier, you can just call him the Antichrist.