Michele Bachmann Generously Offers To Let Gays Get Straight Married, Just Like Marcus Bachmann Did!

Minnesota hellwoman and (un)equal rights warrior Michele Bachmann is no stranger to fighting for the little people, those least able to speak for themselves, like the li'l fairy living inside Marcus and the various insane voices living inside her head.

Which is why Michele is working hard to ensure that the civil rights of all Americans are protected, but especially the white heterosexual Christian ones because they are better and infinitely more important, according to Jesus and the Constitution.

But it's not as if Michele is saying gay people shouldn't get married because they are gross abominations of God who will burn in eternal hellfire for their gross gay sins. Not at all! She's simply saying that if gays feel the need to get hitched so damn badly, they can go ahead and feel free to marry a person of the opposite sex, like normal, decent Americans who make a living secretly praying the gay away.

"[Gay people] can get married,” she says, “But they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man." Oooh, so many options!

So straight people can marry who they love, and gay people can marry a straight person because this is how "civil rights" works, or at least according to someone with a mail-order law degree from Crazy Christian U and unshakeable belief that mandatory HPV vaccinations make you retarded.

Luckily, one thoughtful young woman and president of Waverly High School's Gay-Straight Alliance, Jane Schmidt, apparently missed her government-forced vaccination/mental retardation shot because she confronted Miss Bachmann on her obvious inability to make any sense whatsoever.

JANE SCHMIDT: One of my main concerns is government support for the LGBT community. So my question is what would you do to protect GSAs in high school and support the LGBT community.
BACHMANN: Well, No. 1, all of us as Americans have the same rights. The same civil rights. And so that's really what government's role is, to protect our civil rights. There shouldn't be any special rights or special set of criteria based upon people's preferences. We all have the same civil rights.
JANE SCHMIDT: Then, why can't same-sex couples get married?
BACHMANN: They can get married, but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they're a man.
JANE SCHMIDT: Why can't a man marry a man?
BACHMANN: Because that's not the law of the land.
JANE SCHMIDT: So heterosexual couples have a privilege.
BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.
JANE SCHMIDT: So you won't support the LGBT community?
BACHMANN: No, I said that there are no special rights for people based upon your sex practices. There's no special rights based upon what you do in your sex life. You're an American citizen first and foremost and that's it.
BACHMANN: Remember every American citizen has the right to avail themselves to marriage but they have to follow what the laws are. And the laws are you marry a person of the opposite sex.

Exactly! It's common decency! Kind of like when an insane congresswoman goes on some psychotic, incoherent, mind-numbingly illogical rant, it is your duty to point out the fact that gay marriage is indeed lawful in Iowa, where she was speaking. Not in Minnesota, of course, which at least makes a pretty good legal argument for how she ended up married to Marcus Bachmann.

Though on the bright side, according to the Constitution, Michele is still free to go fuck herself.

Which comes as quite a relief. Not least of all to Marcus!

[image via The Raw Story]

Fearful Iowa Teabaggers Fail To Heed Their Own Warning; Naively Forced To Remove Lovely Obama As Hitler Billboard

The lovely herb 'n spice patriots of the North Iowa Tea Party scoured pants pockets and couch cushions pooling their loose change together to let all of Mason City (and the world!) know that President Barack Obama is a terrible SOCIALIST just like his two BFF's Adolf Hitler and Vladimir Lenin.

But sure enough, as soon as pictures of this irrelevant eyesore in the middle of nowhere warning motorists that "Radical Leaders Prey on the Fearful & Naive" began circulating around the Internets, thanks to pesky liberal bloggers and other lamestream media types, the Teabaggers were tyrannically forced to take down their beautiful public service announcement.

Which is TERRIBLE! Because it seems the North Iowa Tea Party has forgotten its own billboards' motto and succumbed to the very two Socialist threats it was warning against: fear and naiveté!

They were naive and fearful (this is what socialists prey on!) and now they have been transformed into miserable comrades blindly following Führer NObama to certain doom, just like the rest of the Barrywashed American public. With nary a wingnut billboard to call their own!

Even the man behind this masterpiece North Iowa Tea Party co-founder Bob Johnson concedes the sign's crazy pictures and inflammatory rhetoric may be getting in the way of its intended message — presumably a very sophisticated and level-headed comparison of Obama to a Nazi mass murderer and Marxist Revolutionary.

“It is not disrespectful to Mr. Obama.  It’s a statement on his policy,” said Bob. “It’s a statement on his policies.”

Because Bob will not, no make that cannot, stand by and watch as Obama murders Jews or Grandmas or special needs babies with check-ups and affordable prescriptions! Hell no! NEVER AGAIN!

So let's all take a moment to reflect on this this terrible turn of events and remember what happens when we let our gubmint adjust its public policy based on the discretion of the administration elected by the people to do just this: the death of Democracy, rise of an evil, tyrannical system of government, and oodles of bloody genocide.

Let's get on our knees and pray that Failure-in-Chief NObama continues to face Grand Old Obstruction from the Grand Old Patriots trying to get all his terrible Socialist things, like helping the poors not die or go bankrupt from predatory loans, passed in Congress before he is rightfully tossed out of office in humiliating defeat come 2012.

Then American can (finally!) breathe a collective sigh of relief knowing that we are once again safe from these two guys who died over half a century ago, yet continue to live on in our nation's first illegal Kenyan Muslim Terrorist Black Socialist President.

In other words, Hitler with a jump shot and maniacal desire not to exterminate world Jewry but flagrant corporate abuses, as part of his deviant plot to take over the world one affordable doctor's visit and honest business practice at a time.

The maniac!

Slick Rick, The Ruler!

Remember that former Pennsylvania senator and certified Republican nutjob Rick Santorum who simply CANNOT see the difference between a man having sex with another man and a man having sex with a dog?

Well, guess what America? He wants to be your next president, and as such, will head to Iowa in early October for the only reason people go to Iowa at the start of a six-month winter: to convince the Republican party's wingnut base that they love Jesus and are ideologically deranged enough to win the Iowa Straw Poll and become the next Republican presidential nominee. Yeah!

Sort of like Mike Huckabee last year. That worked out, right?

Anyway, so crazy Rick Santorum is hoping to be like Mike and channel some sweet Iowa-love in his triumphant return to the political arena since basically getting anally raped in his 2006 Senate re-election bid trouncing. By a Democrat, no less!

So, go Rick Santorum! It's always a treat when everything that's wrong with the Republican Party is rolled nicely into a single, insane candidate.

Plus, I hear Iowa has quite the soft spot for whack job conservatives who believe consenting adults have no constitutional right to privacy when it comes to sexual behavior, particularly deviant kinds like homo sex, incest, polygamy, and bestiality, all of which are exactly the same and equally abominations before the Lord.

But that's not it! Rick also happens to be anti-evolution, anti-immigrant, anti-abortion, anti-gay and anti-anything that even remotely resembles sane, rational thought or intelligence of any kind.

To make things easier, you can just call him the Antichrist.

The Great Gay Invasion Moves Into America's Heartland

The pink, homo-loving commies on Iowa's Supreme Court struck down the state's same-sex marriage ban as unconstitutional on Friday, moving the Hawkeye State one step closer to becoming California before it was taken over by the great Mormon-led Prop 8 invasion.

With one strike of the gavel, the activist judges on Iowa's highest court unanimously ruled that the state’s same-sex marriage ban violates the constitutional rights of gays and lesbians, making Iowa the third state, along with Massachusetts and Connecticut, to threaten the moral fiber of America by legalizing gay marriage.

But some like U.S. Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) are not about to let the American heartland be overrun by some rainbow parade of marriage-crazed queers.

Which is why he is urging the Iowa Legislature to avoid this catastrophe by passing a Marriage Amendment preserving the union of one man and one woman, or at the very least, issue marriage license residency requirements so that Iowa "does not become the gay marriage Mecca due to the Supreme Court’s latest experiment in social engineering."

The last thing the great state of Iowa needs is thousands of sinful gay couples streaming in to exchange vows and pump millions into the state's budget. Millions in gay money that is.

Blue-Eyed Hetero Warrior Rep. Steve King