Chris Christie Vows To Reject New Jersey Gay Marriage Law Faster Than A Jenny Craig Diet

Rejoice gays and gayettes! New Jersey's Senate passed a gay marriage bill today! Now it will shimmy-shake its fabulous self on down to the State Assembly, which will pass it, because why the hell not? From there it will shake its groove thing over to the desk of New Jersey Governor of Sandwiches Fat Fattie Chris Christie, who will promptly veto it and then curse out some old ladies and Kindergarteners for his tasty after-breakfast snack.

Naturally, Democrats in the Garden State won't have the numbers to overturn Christie's veto, so the sanctity of marriage in the filthy, grease-filled shores of New Jersey will fortunately remain limited to Snooki and the bronzed Italian meathead kind enough to take her hand in both holy matrimony and while relieving herself in the back alley of some seedy bar outside Atlantic City.

Because in order to actually become legal in New Jersey, gay marriage legislation would have to accomplish what light itself cannot, which is, of course, to get around Chris Christie.

But Democrats aren't about to allow 500 lbs of redfaced blubbery obstruction stop them from celebrating their awesome, nothing-more-than-symbolic victory for equality and decency, amiright?

Fuggedaboutit!

From the Star-Ledger:

Gay marriage opponents say such a stalemate will put New Jersey’s 10-year debate on ice for a long time. Supporters, however, will treat a vote by both houses as an important milestone in a fight they will continue to wage.
“I don’t think there’s one civil rights leader in the South who thought ending segregation would be a slam dunk on the first time out,” said Assemblyman Reed Gusciora (D-Mercer), New Jersey’s first openly gay lawmaker.
Steven Goldstein, chairman of the gay rights advocacy group Garden State Equality, said the group will celebrate if it passes.
“This week’s marriage equality votes are like the World Series, the Super Bowl and a Barbra Streisand concert all wrapped up in one,” he said.

Or to phrase it in a way Chris Christie can digest, let's call it the Turducken of civil rights.

[image via Gawker]

Michele Bachmann Generously Offers To Let Gays Get Straight Married, Just Like Marcus Bachmann Did!

Minnesota hellwoman and (un)equal rights warrior Michele Bachmann is no stranger to fighting for the little people, those least able to speak for themselves, like the li'l fairy living inside Marcus and the various insane voices living inside her head.

Which is why Michele is working hard to ensure that the civil rights of all Americans are protected, but especially the white heterosexual Christian ones because they are better and infinitely more important, according to Jesus and the Constitution.

But it's not as if Michele is saying gay people shouldn't get married because they are gross abominations of God who will burn in eternal hellfire for their gross gay sins. Not at all! She's simply saying that if gays feel the need to get hitched so damn badly, they can go ahead and feel free to marry a person of the opposite sex, like normal, decent Americans who make a living secretly praying the gay away.

"[Gay people] can get married,” she says, “But they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man." Oooh, so many options!

So straight people can marry who they love, and gay people can marry a straight person because this is how "civil rights" works, or at least according to someone with a mail-order law degree from Crazy Christian U and unshakeable belief that mandatory HPV vaccinations make you retarded.

Luckily, one thoughtful young woman and president of Waverly High School's Gay-Straight Alliance, Jane Schmidt, apparently missed her government-forced vaccination/mental retardation shot because she confronted Miss Bachmann on her obvious inability to make any sense whatsoever.

JANE SCHMIDT: One of my main concerns is government support for the LGBT community. So my question is what would you do to protect GSAs in high school and support the LGBT community.
BACHMANN: Well, No. 1, all of us as Americans have the same rights. The same civil rights. And so that's really what government's role is, to protect our civil rights. There shouldn't be any special rights or special set of criteria based upon people's preferences. We all have the same civil rights.
JANE SCHMIDT: Then, why can't same-sex couples get married?
BACHMANN: They can get married, but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they're a man.
JANE SCHMIDT: Why can't a man marry a man?
BACHMANN: Because that's not the law of the land.
JANE SCHMIDT: So heterosexual couples have a privilege.
BACHMANN: No, they have the same opportunity under the law. There is no right to same-sex marriage.
JANE SCHMIDT: So you won't support the LGBT community?
BACHMANN: No, I said that there are no special rights for people based upon your sex practices. There's no special rights based upon what you do in your sex life. You're an American citizen first and foremost and that's it.
BACHMANN: Remember every American citizen has the right to avail themselves to marriage but they have to follow what the laws are. And the laws are you marry a person of the opposite sex.

Exactly! It's common decency! Kind of like when an insane congresswoman goes on some psychotic, incoherent, mind-numbingly illogical rant, it is your duty to point out the fact that gay marriage is indeed lawful in Iowa, where she was speaking. Not in Minnesota, of course, which at least makes a pretty good legal argument for how she ended up married to Marcus Bachmann.

Though on the bright side, according to the Constitution, Michele is still free to go fuck herself.

Which comes as quite a relief. Not least of all to Marcus!

[image via The Raw Story]

New York Says I Do To Gay Marriage, While Republicans Say I Don't To Any & All Rational Thought

OMG, people, GAY is now officially legal in New York!

They're here, they're queer, and they're coming to a gift registry near you!

Now that New York has reclaimed the mantle of progress and equality from it's once-hip, now tragically Mormon, Prop 8 populated friend, California, and become the sixth state to give those pesky gays the right to get married and become as miserable and lame as their heterosexual counterparts, what does this mean for the rest of us?

Should we be happy that freedom, liberty, equal protection under the law, and all the good stuff we looooove saying about America is finally, at least sort of true, instead of just some empty, meaningless, RAH RAH slogan that makes us feel good about ourselves?

Or is it really true what the Republicans have said during culture wars past?

That the biggest threat to America are nice gay and lesbian couples who already live together and share a bank account who would also like to be able to visit each other in the hospital and file joint tax returns and enjoy all the rest of the 1,400 plus rights and privileges afforded to normal, decent opposite sex married couples by destroying the sacred union of one Brittney Spears + one backup dancer + one Elvis impersonator in holy matrimony at the 24-hour Chapel 'O Love on the Vegas strip.

Not to mention all the other terrible things that are going to happen, thanks to "gay marriage," like all of New York's impressionable young children turning gay (wait, or is it artsy?) and everyone getting gay divorced, like the rest of the sacred, morally pure, Jesus approved, blessed unions with the proper penis-to-vagina ratios.

Amiright? Who's with me? Where my Republicans at?

Oh, looky here, it's America's #1 marriage sanctity expert, thrice-divorced white-haired wonder Newt Gingrich, giving his righteous opinion on proper marriage etiquette like the right way to leave your cancer-stricken wife for a much younger, much hotter, trophy wife you can parade around, not tend to while they lay dying in a hospital bed. Boring!

But, seriously, couldn't they just leave well enough alone?

“In our state, we’re going to continue to pursue civil unions,” first-term Republican New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said. “I am not a fan of same-sex marriage. It’s not something that I support.”

“I believe marriage should be between one man and one woman. I wouldn’t sign a bill like the one that was in New York.”

Unless, he added, it was thick sliced, piled high on warm, fresh baked artisan bread, smothered in cheese, slathered in mayonnaise, preferably chipotle spiced, and wrapped in hearty, thick-cut bacon, like the good Lord intended

Then maybe we could make an exception.

Besides, if all gross gays were allowed to get gross gay married wherever they so pleased, who knows what would happen next?

Michele Bachmann might never have been born because her mommy and daddy were too busy getting their same-sex on with the maid and gardener, respectively.

And then she would never have been popping babies out like a human pez dispenser, and adopting foster children the way you and I buy bulk paper towels at Costco.

Then maybe she could remember all the different voices in her head, so the next time she is asked about the gays getting married, she'll remember the correct answer is not that states can legalize gay marriage if they want to. Bad Michele Voice #2, Bad! But rather that America needs one of those federal constitutional amendments to stop the gays from gaying all over the place or trying to eat Michele with innocent questions in restrooms, or whatever it is they do.

But nooooooooo. Thanks to the pesky gays getting all gay marriagey, Michele Bachmann is forced to kick off her presidential campaign in Waterloo, Iowa, because of its geographic significance or just because she's an idiot.

"Well what I want them to know is just like, John Wayne was from Waterloo, Iowa. That's the kind of spirit that I have, too."

Unfortunately that spirit is less the "beloved movie star" John Wayne and more the "killer homosexual clown who raped and murdered 33 teenage boys in the 1970s," John Wayne Gacy.

Ah yes, fuck gay rights! The holy matrimony of infidelity, gluttony, and batshit insanity is a beautiful thing.

Unlike stupid, gross equality. That's just gay.

Bill O' Reilly Is Utterly Offended That The One Thing Glenn Beck Refuses To Act Like A Deranged Mental Patient About Is Gross Gay Marriage

OMG, get your tuxes out, (gay) ladies and gentleman who reside in the soon-to-be same-sex cesspool of sin & sodomy of Gayifornia!

A week after permanently destroying the moral fabric of America with one stroke of his Prop 8-killing gavel, Judge Vaughn Walker, elitist liberal activist Judge Vaughn Walker has struck at the heart of hetero America once again.

But don't worry, because gay Californians will not be able to ruin America with their marriage smut until August 18th doomsday. Then, gays and lesbians can feel free to fill up City Halls across the Golden State, where they will finally be able to do gross things like exchange "vows" in front of highly impressionable, horrified women, children, and elderly nursing home residents.

Thank heavens there are still some people who are not willing to just sit back and watch as America goes down the gay nuptial drain.

Brave, decent pillars of morality like Papa Bear Bill O' Reilly, who invited fellow Fox News hero Glenn Beck on his show to discuss this latest attack on decency and freedom in the form of committed, monogamous federally recognized unions of matrimony...with the wrong penis-vagina ratios!

Until the unthinkable happened. The usually reliably insane, tear-producing, hate-spewing, gay bashing, freedom-fighting rodeo clown of the wingnut right Glenn Lee Beck suddenly morphed into some arugula-eating, family-values destroying liberal who doesn't even think the end of civilization will come from Adam and Steve sashaying to the altar in matching, color coordinated Valentino suits. This absurd lapse into coherent sanity cannot stand! It makes Papa Bear O' Reilly quite uncomfortable, which in turn, makes the whole world uncomfortable!

Why doesn't Beck cover culture-war issues or feel even the slightest bit threatened by this frightening man-on-man menace? Could he be one of them?? Why doesn't he get all hot 'n bothered, purplish red with rage like ol' Billy over here?

The man would like to know!

“Do you believe—do you believe that gay marriage is a threat to the country in any way?” O’Reilly asked.

"A threat to the country? No, I don't," Beck said, laughing, adding mockingly, "Will the gays come and get us?" And thus the strange pattern of Glenn Beck making sense continues.
 
"Honestly, I think we have bigger fish to fry," Beck said. "You can argue about abortion or gay marriage or whatever all you want. The country is burning down..." he said, adding that marriage "is a religious right" and "I don't think the government has anything to do with it." 

Channeling his inner Thomas Jefferson, one of his many founding father heroes, Beck replied, "If it neither breaks my leg, nor picks my pocket, what difference is it to me?"

Well this just about makes Papa Bear lose it altogether, and fly into one of his signature vein popping, ('roid fueled?) nationally televised rages, usually reserved for teleprompters and interns only.

What makes dumb ol' deranged Glenny Beck so God damn special that he can get his crazy viewers to still tune in for reasons other than to get all riled up about their ol' culture-crushing mainstays, fetuses and queers?

Why does he think it's a-okay to report on very important Calvin Coolidge news, yet all-but "ignore the profound change in the American family" caused by these marauding, marriage-obsessed abominations before God?

What makes him so wonderfully immune to the rest of the whackjobs and wingnuts all the other esteemed Fox News team is held captive by, and must constantly nourish with lies, prejudice and hate, or risk losing their status as the #1 highest rated news show among the senile 85+ crowd, in the whole wide world?

Ugh, if only crazy came as naturally to him as it does to America's blonde haired, blue-eyed angel of truthiness and psychotropic-induced reason!

This really ticks old salty dog O'Reilly off. But don't fret Papa Bear! Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

For the remaining 1438 minutes, just do what you usually do. Foam at the mouth growling with seething rage until the next dopey pinhead sitting across from you says something sooooooo compassionate about gays, liberals, or Jennifer Aniston, that your big Papa Bear grizzly head pops right off its beautifully red-hot vein-bulging neck.

In other words, comes unhinged.

Breaking News: California Strikes Down Gay Marriage Ban, But Still No Gay Fist Pump From Barry!

OMG, breaking news America! California has officially gone gay...again! But this time maybe for reals even...Like by law for reals!

In one fell stroke of the gavel and 136 pages of dead trees, Chief U.S. District Judge Vaughn Walker ruled that California is now a tolerant state, dem crazy Mormons will have to go back to cock blocking salty states with no sex life, and sodomy and sin shall once again reign supreme across the Golden State. Yay!

“Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples.”

Ummm, duh! I mean any dumb kid on the street could tell you gays are weird and gross. And it has nothing to do with rational thought either, silly! It's called the ick factor (which Mike Huckabee would be more than happy to explain). Besides, everyone knows a real, beautiful heterosexual marriage consists of the miserable union between one man and one woman, not the slightly less miserable union of one man and one man, or one woman and one woman, plus the sinister, Godless destruction of morality.

Everyone except Judge Vaughn Walker, I guess:

“Because Proposition 8 disadvantages gays and lesbians without any rational justification, Proposition 8 violates the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment.”

Oooooh, and to think you were thisclose, Mormons, thisclose from ensuring every last flannel-clad lezzie and Streisand-singing fag in the state o' Californication is banned from the altar unless they curb their wicked ways and take the pure Church of Latter Day Saints (and latent homosexuality) path of boring straight missionary sex directly to righteousness and sexual frustration.

Either way, appeals are expected have already been filed, and should be just as fun as every other time gays are granted rights before the crazy wingnut right starts wailing about Jesus, Sodom & Gomorrah, God's wrath, and moral fiber, and voila! gays are once again demoted to second-class citizens, like God intended. Hooray!

Naturally, President Obama, like the rest of us sinners and hedonists in America, was thrilled and overjoyed to hear that Proposition 8 was overturned, arugula-eating elitist liberal activist judges or not.

Of course, this does not mean Obama supports actual gross, terrible gay marriage, heavens forbid! No, no, he simply supports "equality for gay and lesbian couples, and benefits and other issues, and that has been effectuated in federal agencies under his control," as White House spokesman David Axelrod so eloquently explained.

Ooooh, I get it, now!

So Obama loooooves gay people so much he wants to give them all the rights and privileges as everyone else, except that one tiny little one that includes big fat diamonds (the size of which dependent on how much you're in love), walking down the aisle (no, not a congressional one), saying some mushy words, sharing a kiss, and then getting raging drunk and dancing the night and your life savings away in blurry, holy matrimony. This apparently is not part of the whole equality thing in Obama's mind.

Here's the thing. People who care about gay rights would like the President to condone the fall of civilization and support gay marriage. People who hate dem queers and gay rights would like Obama to be shipped back to his native Kenya, preferably on the flaming wings of all the flamboyant queers currently destroying America with their fashion sense and good hygiene.

Obama simply would like to serve a second term and thus tries to get gay-and-normal-married to both the anti-gay and pro-gay sides, and ends up sleeping with no one, horny and alone, as a result.

Obama thought Proposition 8 was bad because it was “divisive and mean spirited,” so apparently it is wrong to deny gay people the right to (gay)marry, but it is also wrong to give gay people the right to (gay)marry.

Huh?

Let's see if I've got this straight (and I don't mean the good sexuality!):

"The president does oppose same-sex marriage but he supports equality for gay and lesbian couples."

Oh, you mean kinda like how the Teabaggers aren't terrible racists who hate black people or anything, they just don't want them running their country or marrying their sisters.

Ummmm, sorry Mr. President, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. 49th birthday or not, God damn it!

But on the bright side, now all of those tea birther klansmen (in his base) are totally going to vote for him in 2012, instead of plot his assassination/dismembering in front of a (gay) book burning bonfire.

A plan so mind-blowingly brilliant, no one can even wrap their heads around it.

Least of all his voters.

New Jersey Just Says No to Gays, Yes to Purple Haze

Ay, New Jersey, you make us so proud (not the queer kind obvs!). It's always nice to see the land that originated electric-beach bronzed men with greasy hair and muscles bulging from skin-tight wife-beaters is keeping its priorities "straight."

Priorities like keeping those pesky hetero wannabees away from the alter and the sweet ganja a comin' in the ol' Garden State of opposite sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll.

You see, here in New Jersey, life is more than just Tony Soprano and the class and glamor that is Jersey Shore. In fact, the fine folks of Jersey believe some things in life are sacred. Like the government telling you who you can (straights) and can't marry (gays) and what kind of plants you can (weed) or can't smoke (opium).

Because New Jersey understands a few things when it comes to human decency and compassion. Like how it's only okay to discriminate against people for being gay, not for being sick.

Which is why the fine lawmakers in the Garden State have decided to protect the sanctity of marriage by prohibiting those ghastly gays from having any part in the blessed union of one piece of Jersey trash to another opposite sex piece of Jersey trash like God intended. Bada-bing!

But if you're chronically ill (ha ha chronic), you can take a puff puff of the sweet sticky icky without feeling like a no-good dirty criminal thanks to the New Jersey Legislature's measure to legalize the use of marijuana to help patients with severe illnesses like cancer, AIDS, Lou Gehrig’s disease, muscular dystrophy and multiple sclerosis.

"I'm in heaven," Nancy Fedder, a 62-year-old multiple sclerosis sufferer, said after the Senate vote. "It means I am no longer a criminal in the state of New Jersey."

Just don't do anything crazy like trying to marry Barbara, or it's back to the parole board for you Nancy!

Democratic Assemblyman Reed Gusciora, a co-sponsor of the bill who pushed for it for years, said medical marijuana can alleviate suffering and there's no evidence it increases overall drug use.

"I don't think we should make criminals out of our very sick and terminally ill," he said.

That's reserved for homos, thank you very much.

"It’s nice to finally see a day when democracy helps heal people," said Charles Kwiatkowski, 38, one of dozens of patients who rallied at the State House in support of the measure. "The M.S. Society has shown that this drug will help slow the progression of my disease. Why would I want to use anything else?"

I don't know, maybe 'cause you're gay?

"I truly believe this will become a model for other states because it balances the compassionate use of medical marijuana while limiting the number of ailments that a physician can prescribe it for," Mr. Gusciora said.

Sorry, as of now, being gay does not qualify as a disease. But rest assured, they're working on it!

Scott Ward, 26, who suffers from multiple sclerosis, said he had been prescribed marijuana to alleviate leg cramps so severe that they often felt "like my muscles are tearing apart."

"Now, I can do normal things like take a walk and walk the dog.” Not freak things like gay marry the person you love. Fuggedaboutit!

What are you high or something??

Polygamy's One Thing, But Jason Chaffetz Won't Stand by While the Gays Turn DC Into the New San Fran

Straight(?) From the Land of Fruit and Nuts

As predicted in yesterday's post how, as a result of DC becoming all gay-marriagey, at least one crazy congressman or another will make a furious effort to thwart this wicked gay agenda in an attempt to score some brownie points with the enlightened folks who hold the key to their re-election back in the muddy swamplands they call home.

Well, it sure didn't take long for the stars to align and turn this delicious pearl of insight into cold, hard fact, rising not from a muddy swamp per se, but rather a sodium-filled wasteland of Mormons and latent homosexuality otherwise known as Salt Lake City, Utah.

A Utah Republican renewed his pledge Tuesday to prevent the nation’s capital from allowing gay couples to marry after the Washington, D.C., Council signed off on such a measure.

But Rep. Jason Chaffetz acknowledged it will be tough to overturn the newly adopted ordinance, which the Washington mayor is expected to sign before Christmas.

"It's going to be exceptionally difficult because Democrats have us outnumbered by large amounts. Nevertheless, we're going to try."

Chaffetz, who sits on a House subcommittee that oversees the district and can revoke D.C. laws within 30 days after they are signed by the mayor, promises to introduce legislation in January.

"If it were put up for a vote, traditional marriage would win," he said. "It would win with a congressional vote, and it would win with the residents of Washington, D.C."

Ah yes, Rep. Jason Chaffetz of course! But who exactly is this hetero-crusadin' Latter Day Saint with the Jewy sounding last name anyway?

Does anyone know? Better yet does Jason even know??

Let's take a look shall we...

Turns out Chaffetz is actually a Bay Area-born (aka gay liberal) former Democrat whose father John Chaffetz's brief marriage to Kitty Dukakis (before she moved on to bigger, better men like 1988's presidential candidate Michael Dukakis) produced this bizarre self-loathing liberal turned conservative wingnut we see today. Hooray!

So this guy, who once upon a time ago was the Utah co-chairman for Michael Dukakis' Hindenburg-like campaign for U.S. President, suddenly decides he no longer wants anything to do with these godless Democrats who also happen to be his family. But his decision to move from crazy Cali to mild, austere Utah to attend Brigham Young University and convert to Mormonism has NOTHING to do with the fact that he is the wayward son of two prominent Democrats and the half-brother of a Brown-educated liberal politician and multi-talented entertainer, John Dukakis, who actually makes his parents proud, not dry heave repeatedly any time his name is mentioned.

So this Jason character, who apparently has worked out all his family issues, heads to BYU where he excels at football (if placekicker indeed counts as "playing") until a chance meeting with Ronnie Reagan in 1990 blew his mind (maybe he could be his daddy?) and propelled him on his current path as a crazy Republican wingnut trying to preserve traditional marriage so as to spare the next generation from suffering his same terrible non-nuclear childhood in Sodom & Gomorrah San Francisco.

Not to say his kooky right-wing stance on everything from global warming (liberal hoax) and immigration (put 'em in barbed-wire tent cities) to sinful gay marriage (the ULTIMATE abomination before the Lord) has anything to do with unresolved family issues.

Or the fact that his biological father John Chaffetz is a gay-rights advocate and author of popular pro-gay marriage book, Gay Reality: The Team Guido Story.

Or the fact that in a December 11, 1989 Sports Illustrated article, legendary BYU placekicker Jason Chaffetz described his position in the rough 'n tumble manly sport of AMERICAN FOOTBALL: "It's like being a ballet dancer—tight pants, a little contact and a whole lot of kicking."

Which is exactly how you'd expect any confident, straight, testosterone-fueled man to describe their athletic prowess on the field, especially in the 100% heterosexual sport of Football.

Or at least someone with such impressive leg strength and dexterity that they fold like a cheap suit five seconds after being manhandled in a nationally televised leg-wrestling match with Stephen Colbert.

This guy is straight-as-an-arrow! Or at least the kind of arrow who just loooooves ballet and simply cannot say no to rolling around on the floor with another grown man.

Nope, Rep. Chaffetz's obsession with keeping the dreaded gays off the altar is not the least bit suspicious. Much like his sexual orientation.

Mano y Mano: Colbert Vs. Chaffetz

Houston We Have a Problem: Annise Parker to be First Openly Gay Mayor in City History

Holy flaming cannoli! After stinging defeats in Maine and that godless cesspool New York, it seemed those feisty gays would be condemned to eternally wander, cold and alone, with nary a constitutional protection to call their own.

But then like a beautiful rainbow after the storm, a glimmer of light broke through the dark menacing clouds, and there, deep in the Red-blooded heart of Texas, history was made.

Much like its fellow unlikely Defender of Queer, Iowa, America's fourth-largest city, Houston, figured why the hell not join the progress party and elect their very own gay to public office. For fun!

Despite the double edged-sword of being both a woman and a sinful lesbian in a state not known to be particularly fond of either, City controller Annise Parker handily defeated her Democratic challenger, former city attorney Gene Locke, 53 percent to 47 percent, to claim victory as the first openly gay (and second openly female) mayor in Houston's history.

Other cities such as Providence, Rhode Island, and Portland, Oregon, have picked openly gay mayors, but they don't really count since neither state has ever prided themselves on being a bunch of homophobic racists hellbent on seceding from the God-awful Union of sin called America. Turns out, ignorance, bigotry and deep-seated aversion to change does bring with it certain advantages.

Like making it extra special when the very city that just a few years ago rejected offering benefits to same-sex partners of city workers, in a state that already banned gay marriage, suddenly votes to elect a member of this dreaded species into power as its fabulous new mayor.

"There's a certain segment of Houston, there's a certain segment of society that has problems with the issues around sexual orientation," 53-year-old Annise Parker said. "But the citizens of Houston have elected me six consecutive times to public office. They know me, they trust me."

"Houston is a multiracial, multicultural, international city. And I think my election will send a message to the world that Houston is a city that might surprise a lot of folks."

“Tonight the voters of Houston have opened the door to history," Parker said, standing by her partner of 19 years, Kathy Hubbard, and their three adopted children. "I acknowledge that. I embrace that. I know what this win means to many of us who never thought we could achieve high office."

"I have always stood up for the fact that I am gay. It's part of the resume that I bring to the table, but it's just a piece of the package," she said.

The real problem isn't the fact that this proud Texan's a Democrat, woman, or even a gay. But something much, much worse: a Rice alum (gasp!).

Which effectively means the Republic of Texas' days of being the reliable outpost of backwards-thinking cowboys, confederates, and Jesus freak secessionists we've come to know and laugh at, are officially on life support.

Guess Grandma isn't the only one who needs to be worried about plug-pulling death squads.

New York Nixes Gay Marriage, Reminding Us That It's Still a State in Appalachia

Just Not In Their Backyard

Yay! The land of the free remains but a cruel joke as the rights of that one group of colorful misfits known as the gays were once again denied equal rights and the same constitutional protections granted to the rest of us normal, God-loving breeders.

That's right folks! The good people of the New York State Senate voted 24-38 to defeat marriage equality and keep the gays guessing about if and when they'll be treated like real, worthy American citizens instead of some well-dressed alien species out to destroy the bedrock of society, heterosexual marriage, in all its sacred 50% divorce rate.

Thanks to the hard work of eight key swing Democrats, who hold a slight one-seat majority, the bill was handily defeated and apocalypse avoided. Naturally, not a single Republican senator voted for the bill lest they give people the impression they support gays or heavens forbid, have gone gay themselves.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg applauded "the 24 senators who courageously and compassionately voted 'yes,'" and expressed his disappointment at the Senate's rejection of the same-sex marriage bill and and true equality and justice for all New Yorkers.

If only there were something Bloomie could have done? Perhaps, something in short supply, everyone wants, and he has more than enough of?

No, not money, silly! The freedom to enter and end as many loveless, miserable marriages as his little hetero heart desires.

Psyche! Maine Voters Decide Not To Give The Gays Equal Rights After All

Maine voters came thisclose to becoming the first electorate in any state to say sure, why the hell not let the gays marry like the rest of us one man plus one woman miseries before deciding eh, on second thought, they'd rather keep that hetero perk all to their newly puritan selves.

After all, this is Maine, people--not some Kumbaya-chanting hippie commune like Iowa.

Besides, with Sen. Olympia Snowe already crossing the aisle as the sole Republican to support health care reform, Maine's trailblazer reputation is already secured, so there's no need to get all wild 'n crazy and start actually treating the gays like real citizens who are afforded the same constitutional protections as everyone else. We're not trying to ruffle any feathers here! That's part of what makes Maine, well Maine.

If being ordinary and unexciting wasn't a part of its history, how else could this proud, 40th most populous state of 1,316,456 be home to the thriving Northeast metropolis known as Portland–South Portland–Biddeford?

Although, gay marriage has now lost in every single state in which civil rights are left up to the voters for a positively St. Louis Rams/Detroit Lions-like record of 0-31, gay rights activists and the handful of hetero Americans who thought the whole 'separate but equal' issue was settled with the Supreme Court's unanimous 1954 landmark Brown v. Board of Education ruling striking down segregation as unconstitutional under the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment, were disappointed to learn that (much like California) the same standards of jurisprudence simply don't apply to queers in Maine either.

Turns out that even Maine's independent streak and irrepressible Yankee spirit of fairness and individuality wasn't enough to stop the hate juggernaut or the indisputable fact that when marriage equality is decided by voters, Jesus tends to trump justice.

I mean if gay marriage cannot win in the original bastion of same-sex sin California, was it ever realistic to expect a rainbow-colored welcome banner in Maine, with or without the Mormon-led cruasde against the scourge of Homosinuality.

As long as America allows civil rights to be decided by voters at the ballot box instead of as a Federal constitutional matter before the U.S. Supreme Court, true equality and freedom--like the founding fathers intended--will never be realized.

Think about it, if we treated blacks like we treat the gays, half the South would still be hosing down black kids trying to go to school, ride the bus, or God forbid, drink from a (whites-only) fountain.

But I guess we could always compromise and enact something like Don't Ask, Don't Tell. We can all just run around with paper bags over our heads and Hazmat suits on our bodies so nobody knows anything about anybody. That way, who's black, white or sparkly-rainbow colored would all remain hidden under a common cloak of freedom.

Just like the good old days!

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/11/03/maine-gay-marriage-vote-e_n_344688.html

And Then There Were Six

Watch out heteros, America is going to hell and quick! In case you missed the rainbow parade, the nation's moral freefall into homosinuality quickened Wednesday night when Democratic (duh) Governor John Lynch signed legislation legalizing gay marriage in New Hampshire (gasp!).

So thanks New Hampshire for arriving fashionably late to the same-sex party already attended by Massachusetts, Maine, Vermont, Connecticut, and Iowa. You''ll have to excuse the other 44 or so states still on their way. Traveling by horse and buggy tends to take some time.

The Softer Side Of Dick

Omg. Bleeding heart liberal Dick Cheney (yes that Dick Cheney) may be no-nonsense on national security, but when it comes to matters of the heart, he's as soft as they come. After all, he's a family man first and a demented prophet of doom second.

And he for one knows that gays, while slightly repulsive and annoyingly clean, deserve the same rights as everyone else (except for suspected terrorists of course!). Compared to other threats out there like biological and chemical warfare, a nuclear armed Iran and North Korea, and that wackjob Osama bin Laden, the gays aren't even that bad.

Besides, his daughter Mary happens to be more than just a bit Merry herself. And Dick loves her for who she is: Him.

"I think that freedom means freedom for everyone," Cheney said. "I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish."

Unless they live in one of the 46 or so states that denies them this right. Then they can just pretend. What gays don't have imaginations either?

Like Father, Like Son?

Forget Swine Flu, Gay Marriage Bug Threatens Entire Northeast!

Oh no! While America was being distracted by the pig AIDS pandemic, a much scarier virus was busy creeping across our fair land.

I'm talking of course about the dreaded gay marriage bug tearing through the Northeast this spring, easily taking Ben and Jerry's hedonist commune Vermont, before striking New Hampshire, and now Maine. We're talking MAINE, people!

That's not including the queer assault on America's heartland last month, bringing the good people of Iowa right down the rainbow drain with them. Not to mention, the original Bobbsey Twins of sin, Massachusetts and Connecticut, who first fell victim to the devil's handiwork by legalizing unholy unions of sin (or as liberals call it, same-sex marriage) in 2004 and 2008, respectively.

Even little ol' Washington, DC couldn't resist the wily charms of allowing two people to marry each other not for propagation alone but love, sweet love. Okay, well not exactly to marry but to at least have their god-forsaken matrimony honored when away from the Sodom and Gomorrah they call home and in the confines of the nation's capital.

Hey, how else do you expect a swampy, non-state with no voting rights to contribute to the downfall of society?

Nation Panics As Gay Marriage Outbreak Spreads To Vermont

Oh no! America's descent into moral decay deepened on Tuesday, when Vermont became the fourth state to switch to the dark side and grant gays and lesbians the right to marry.

Nine years after Vermont started the crazy "let's give rights to gays" trend with the nation's first civil unions law, the state legislature voted to override Republican (duh!) Gov. Jim Douglas' veto, making Vermont the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage, after Massachusetts, Connecticut, and of course the great gay Mecca Iowa.

Should have seen it coming from the birthplace of ice-cream's original queer power couple Ben & Jerry.