Tough Guy Rahm Emanuel Kicked Off Chicago Mayoral Ballot By F**king Appellate Court; Unlike Jay Cutler, Rahmbo Refuses To Go Down Without A Fight!

OMG Chicago, did you hear da awful, terrible, no-good news??

No, no, not that Bears QB Jay Cutler might have torn his MCL along with the entire state of Illinois' heart out of its chest before pouting cold and alone on the sidelines in Sunday's painful loss to the hated, rival Green Bay Packers.

The other no-good, terrible Earth shattering news!! That front-runner and almost-certain-to-be-next-eternal-Mayor-of-Chicago Rahm Emanuel has been ruled ineligible to run by an appellate court because he did not meet residency requirements, in that he did not, umm, actually, reside in their fair city while poking naked men in the shower as Barack Obama's White House chief of staff in Washington.

The friggin' bastards!

Reversing a decision by the Chicago Board of Election Commissioners, which had unanimously agreed that Emanuel was eligible to run for mayor, the appellate panel, by a 2-1 ruling, said Emanuel does not meet the residency requirement of having lived in Chicago for a year prior to the election.

"We conclude that the candidate neither meets the Municipal Code's requirement that he have 'resided in' Chicago for the year preceding the election in which he seeks to participate nor falls within any exception to the requirement," the majority judges wrote.

"Accordingly, we disagree with the Board's conclusion that he is eligible to run for the office of Mayor of the City of Chicago. We reverse the circuit court's judgment confirming the Board's decision, set aside the Board's decision and ... order that the candidate's name be excluded (or, if necessary, removed) from the ballot."

To which Rahm promptly ordered the head of each judge immediately be excluded, or, if necessary, removed from their body, and be placed atop the two spires of the Sears, err, Willis Tower, or whatever terrible company purchased the right to have its God-awful name slapped on now, instead.

Rahm Emanuel, who had previously won rulings by the election board and Cook County Circuit Court, will likely take his case all the way to the Illinois Supreme Court, where there will hopefully be enough Daleys or Obamas stacked on it to get this decision overturned and get Rahm back to sending dead fish through the mail, insulting Sarah Palin-owned Retarded People™, and spending money no one has as the new, foulmouthed mayor of Chicago, where he belongs.

Emanuel remained confident that the Supreme Court would rule in his favor.

"As I've said from the beginning, I was just elected to congress two years ago," Emanuel said. "I own a home here, I vote from here, I pay taxes here. The Board of Elections agreed with that. Joseph Morris agreed with that, and Judge Ballard agreed with that."

"I have no doubt we will prevail in this matter," Emanuel said. "It's just one turn in the road."

"When the president of the United States asks you to serve your country, you do that."

C'mon, an entire year and a half serving as White House chief of staff and you're really going to believe Obama didn't teach him how to fake his place of birth?

What are you f**kin' retarded or something?

Besides, what the hell else is Rahm gonna do? I mean, it's not like there's a big, high-profile administration anywhere that likes to keep a full stock of outspoken, fiery Chicago Democratic political personalities or anything!

Hmmm, on second thought, how's Rahm's throwing arm? He's already got the asshole who knows ballet part down. Plus, something tells me a North Side native with four fingers, tough-as-nails attitude, never-say-die mentality, and warrior's heart is better than a disingenuous Denver import with full digits, boatloads of talent, a rocket arm, Type I diabetes, two chins, a bad attitude, undeserved sense of entitlement, inflated sense of himself, and an empty cavity on his left side where a four-chambered pumping organ of muscle and connective tissue used to be.

Most people call it a heart. Rahm Emanuel calls it breakfast.

Polygamy's One Thing, But Jason Chaffetz Won't Stand by While the Gays Turn DC Into the New San Fran

Straight(?) From the Land of Fruit and Nuts

As predicted in yesterday's post how, as a result of DC becoming all gay-marriagey, at least one crazy congressman or another will make a furious effort to thwart this wicked gay agenda in an attempt to score some brownie points with the enlightened folks who hold the key to their re-election back in the muddy swamplands they call home.

Well, it sure didn't take long for the stars to align and turn this delicious pearl of insight into cold, hard fact, rising not from a muddy swamp per se, but rather a sodium-filled wasteland of Mormons and latent homosexuality otherwise known as Salt Lake City, Utah.

A Utah Republican renewed his pledge Tuesday to prevent the nation’s capital from allowing gay couples to marry after the Washington, D.C., Council signed off on such a measure.

But Rep. Jason Chaffetz acknowledged it will be tough to overturn the newly adopted ordinance, which the Washington mayor is expected to sign before Christmas.

"It's going to be exceptionally difficult because Democrats have us outnumbered by large amounts. Nevertheless, we're going to try."

Chaffetz, who sits on a House subcommittee that oversees the district and can revoke D.C. laws within 30 days after they are signed by the mayor, promises to introduce legislation in January.

"If it were put up for a vote, traditional marriage would win," he said. "It would win with a congressional vote, and it would win with the residents of Washington, D.C."

Ah yes, Rep. Jason Chaffetz of course! But who exactly is this hetero-crusadin' Latter Day Saint with the Jewy sounding last name anyway?

Does anyone know? Better yet does Jason even know??

Let's take a look shall we...

Turns out Chaffetz is actually a Bay Area-born (aka gay liberal) former Democrat whose father John Chaffetz's brief marriage to Kitty Dukakis (before she moved on to bigger, better men like 1988's presidential candidate Michael Dukakis) produced this bizarre self-loathing liberal turned conservative wingnut we see today. Hooray!

So this guy, who once upon a time ago was the Utah co-chairman for Michael Dukakis' Hindenburg-like campaign for U.S. President, suddenly decides he no longer wants anything to do with these godless Democrats who also happen to be his family. But his decision to move from crazy Cali to mild, austere Utah to attend Brigham Young University and convert to Mormonism has NOTHING to do with the fact that he is the wayward son of two prominent Democrats and the half-brother of a Brown-educated liberal politician and multi-talented entertainer, John Dukakis, who actually makes his parents proud, not dry heave repeatedly any time his name is mentioned.

So this Jason character, who apparently has worked out all his family issues, heads to BYU where he excels at football (if placekicker indeed counts as "playing") until a chance meeting with Ronnie Reagan in 1990 blew his mind (maybe he could be his daddy?) and propelled him on his current path as a crazy Republican wingnut trying to preserve traditional marriage so as to spare the next generation from suffering his same terrible non-nuclear childhood in Sodom & Gomorrah San Francisco.

Not to say his kooky right-wing stance on everything from global warming (liberal hoax) and immigration (put 'em in barbed-wire tent cities) to sinful gay marriage (the ULTIMATE abomination before the Lord) has anything to do with unresolved family issues.

Or the fact that his biological father John Chaffetz is a gay-rights advocate and author of popular pro-gay marriage book, Gay Reality: The Team Guido Story.

Or the fact that in a December 11, 1989 Sports Illustrated article, legendary BYU placekicker Jason Chaffetz described his position in the rough 'n tumble manly sport of AMERICAN FOOTBALL: "It's like being a ballet dancer—tight pants, a little contact and a whole lot of kicking."

Which is exactly how you'd expect any confident, straight, testosterone-fueled man to describe their athletic prowess on the field, especially in the 100% heterosexual sport of Football.

Or at least someone with such impressive leg strength and dexterity that they fold like a cheap suit five seconds after being manhandled in a nationally televised leg-wrestling match with Stephen Colbert.

This guy is straight-as-an-arrow! Or at least the kind of arrow who just loooooves ballet and simply cannot say no to rolling around on the floor with another grown man.

Nope, Rep. Chaffetz's obsession with keeping the dreaded gays off the altar is not the least bit suspicious. Much like his sexual orientation.

Mano y Mano: Colbert Vs. Chaffetz

Bush To Shoe-Bomber: Bring It On!

President Bush's popularity in the Middle East continued to soar on Sunday when an Iraqi journalist showed his love for the U.S. leader by hurling two shoes at him and shouting, "This is a goodbye kiss, you dog!"

Bush, who loves games and athletic competitions of all sorts, nimbly dodged the shoe-barrage, but thanked the man for spicing up the otherwise dull news conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al Maliki to mark the signing of a U.S.-Iraq security agreement.

Feeling good about his agile performance, Bush was all smiles after the sneak(er) attack, joking to reporters that the weapon of choice appeared to be a size 10.

Bodyguards quickly wrestled shoe-bombing journalist Muthathar al Zaidi to the floor and hauled him from the room, further delighting the President, who was upset over having to miss Sunday football for the secret trip.

Bush praised his security team for the awesome tackle and thanked the Iraqis for making him feel right at home.

Besides, Bush added, "If he's as good throwing the pigskin as he is with rubber, I may just have found myself the star new QB for my fantasy league!"