How Do I Love Thee America, Let Mitt Count The Ways...

You Know Who Else Mitt Loves? That Guy! (Oh Wait, That's A Mirror!)

Willard "Mitt" Romney is a lover of many things. Many, many generic things. He loves air, for instance. The way it effortlessly swirls around from place to place, filling up empty space without ever being noticed. The delicate way it fills your chest, pumping into your lungs. It just feels so right!

You know what else feels right? You do, America!

He loves everything about you. Your large, sturdy shape. The fearless way you shovel donut cheeseburgers down your throat, unswayed by death or diabetic coma. Your funny little houses with the wheels under them. Motor homes, if I have the lingo right. Gosh Bless 'em! The way you paint your frozen obese bodies and wear cheese on your head when cheering for sport. He can't get enough! What a country!

Want to know what else Mitt loves from the bottom of his totally relatable, totally human, non-robotic, billionaire everyman heart?

Via TPM:

He loves our land.

"I love our lands," he said. Lease it, rent it, own it, raze it, build it, bulldoze it, drill it, fill it, drain it, dry it,  there's nothing you can't do with land. Land is good, my friends! (P.S. Obama hates land and won't stop until we are floating around aimlessly, not a drop of terra firma to be found!).

He loves our people.

"I love our people," he said. Raise your hands in the air if you're white and got more than $1,000 dollars in your pocket!

He loves business.

"I love you," he told business leaders. He doesn't care what NOBAMA or the big bad gubmint says, corporations are people, my friend! Large, powerful, metal & steel-fortified, weather-resistant, amorphous people. Aesthetically pleasing on the outside, hollow and plastic on the inside. You know, just like Mitt.

He loves Michigan's lakes.

"I love the lakes," he said. Wait, but I thought it was land that was good?? LAND, remember??

He loves Michigan's inland lakes.

"There’s something very special here–the great lakes, but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of Michigan," he said. Let's call them good lakes. Not great, but decent enough. Oh, and also all the little fish that dot the parts of Michigan that are underwater. Not in the Detroit 'underwater' kind of way, either.

He loves the streets in Michigan.

"The streets are just right," he said. The way they go East and West and North and South and have painted yellow lines on them. And you should see the way all the vehicles move on them! Like butter, I tell ya! Besides, some of his best friends have streets named after them!

He loves the trees.

"You know, the trees are the right height," he said. Perfect for climbing. Or swinging. Or chopping down and making into other wonderful things, like, oh, I don't know, say, money. Unlike those giant red weirdos out in hippie-dippie Californication.

He loves cars.

"I love cars," he said. "I grew up totally in love with cars." And then he married Ann. Life is craaaaazy!

He loves the Constitution.

"I love our Constitution," he said. It had him at "We." By the time he gets to "The People," fuggedaboutit, he's already lost his shit!

He loves our freedoms.

"I love our freedoms," he said. Feels so liberating!

He loves hymns.

"I love the hymns of this nation," he said. Leave rock 'n roll to Obama and the kids. Al Green ain't got nothin' on Mitt!

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

Speaking of shining seas...

He loves the ocean.

"I love the ocean, too," he said. "I do love the ocean." But most of all when he's in his beloved Taxachusetts. If you got ocean in your yard and a yacht in your dock, say heck yeah! Eastern seaboard, what, what!

He loves water.

"I love water," he said. For drinking, bathing, swimming, and, of course, posthumously baptizing dead Jews and secretly converting them to Mormonism. You know, normal stuff.

Mitt for America! He just feels right! After all, Americans do have a weakness for white, starchy, artificial things high on taste, but devoid of all substance.

[images via Shutterstock]

Mitt Romney Is "Not Concerned About The Very Poor," Nor Apparently Winning Anything But The Hatred Of 99% Of America

Ah Mittens. Fresh off a most undeserved and uninspired victory over a gelatinous blob of ethical lapses and abandoned wives in the Florida Republican primary, Willard "Mitt" Romney proceeded to promptly squander all momentum and break the Golden Rule of presidential politics: pretend not to be the cold, heartless, asshole you really are.

Whoopsies!

You see, to billionaire everyman Mitt Romney, poor people are like unicorns. He's heard of them, but never actually seen one. (Or at least not in the wilds of Massachusetts' gated communities).

Which is probably why Mittens continued the ill-advised practice of opening up his awful rich person's mouth and letting words flow forth like sister-wives to the altar, terrifying Soledad O'Brien and the half-dozen or so other people actually watching CNN.

"I'm in this race because I care about Americans," Mitt said. "I'm not concerned about the very poor. We have a safety net there. If it needs repair I'll fix it."

And if the handyman he held his nose while hiring can't get the job done (ugh, dumb poors!), he'll move on to his next favorite activity: firing people.

But since Mitt is clearly not concerned about the gross poors (the free market will take care of them), what exactly is he concerned about? (Just kidding! We know he really doesn't care about anybody).

"I'm not concerned about the very rich; they're doing just fine." (Just fine, indeed, wink wink!). "I'm concerned about the very heart of America, the 90-95 percent of Americans who right now are struggling...We will hear from the Democrat party on the plight of the poor and there's no question, it's not good being poor (he's never really thought about it, but he'll take their word for it!), and we have a safety net to help those that are very poor."

And what a fine safety net it is! Manufactured in China by NetCo, LLC, a subsidiary of Bain Capital, and strong enough to catch a full-grown man plunging to the bottom in a dizzying self-induced freefall from the high horse he's permanently perched upon.

So that's what they mean about wealth trickling down!

[image via AP]

Mitt Romney's Christmas Card Reveals He's Either Running For President Or Taking On China's Economy With His Own Strapping Mormon Workforce

Guess which grandchild heard that Papa might run again?

The one that's hyperventilating, sobbing, "No, papa, noooooooo!!!"

Look, Mitt, I don't know which one of your perfectly adorable, weirdly named, ridiculously large Mormon brood heard you were running for president again, and frankly, I don't much care.

Nor does anyone in this great big God-blessed nation much appreciate some dumb Christmas card featuring a partial litter of Romneys and some insultingly dumb "hint" about how everyone's fave Mittens is going to once again waste millions of dollars battling it out with Sarah Palin in the ultimate campaign showdown of GOP politicians' with annoyingly-named children vying for the once-in-a-lifetime once-every-four-years chance to get humiliated by Barack Obama in a national election.

Yay!

Oh look, here is the inside of Romney's Christmas card/Quadrennial White House bid depicting the precise moment when the rest of the magical Mormons come skipping out of the enchanted gum drop forest to join Papa Romney on his epic journey to possible Iowa straw poll victory before losing the nomination to someone much older or dumber, depending on what's in vogue for Republicans this year:

Holy Holidays! It looks like the Palins and the Romneys are also in a hotly contested race to outbreed each other too.

That or Mittens isn't taking any chances this time around, and is simply begetting his own electorate instead.

Which is a great idea, Mitt! Just get everyone in your really really ridiculously good looking family to register to vote and Holy Brigham Young! you've got that Republican nomination locked up tighter than one of your sixteen wives' chastity belts.

So remember folks, a vote for Mitt Romney is a vote for endless war, endless economic stagnation, and endless environmental devastation.

Hell, if those pictures are any indication, the man's never pulled out of anything in his life!

Polygamy's One Thing, But Jason Chaffetz Won't Stand by While the Gays Turn DC Into the New San Fran

Straight(?) From the Land of Fruit and Nuts

As predicted in yesterday's post how, as a result of DC becoming all gay-marriagey, at least one crazy congressman or another will make a furious effort to thwart this wicked gay agenda in an attempt to score some brownie points with the enlightened folks who hold the key to their re-election back in the muddy swamplands they call home.

Well, it sure didn't take long for the stars to align and turn this delicious pearl of insight into cold, hard fact, rising not from a muddy swamp per se, but rather a sodium-filled wasteland of Mormons and latent homosexuality otherwise known as Salt Lake City, Utah.

A Utah Republican renewed his pledge Tuesday to prevent the nation’s capital from allowing gay couples to marry after the Washington, D.C., Council signed off on such a measure.

But Rep. Jason Chaffetz acknowledged it will be tough to overturn the newly adopted ordinance, which the Washington mayor is expected to sign before Christmas.

"It's going to be exceptionally difficult because Democrats have us outnumbered by large amounts. Nevertheless, we're going to try."

Chaffetz, who sits on a House subcommittee that oversees the district and can revoke D.C. laws within 30 days after they are signed by the mayor, promises to introduce legislation in January.

"If it were put up for a vote, traditional marriage would win," he said. "It would win with a congressional vote, and it would win with the residents of Washington, D.C."

Ah yes, Rep. Jason Chaffetz of course! But who exactly is this hetero-crusadin' Latter Day Saint with the Jewy sounding last name anyway?

Does anyone know? Better yet does Jason even know??

Let's take a look shall we...

Turns out Chaffetz is actually a Bay Area-born (aka gay liberal) former Democrat whose father John Chaffetz's brief marriage to Kitty Dukakis (before she moved on to bigger, better men like 1988's presidential candidate Michael Dukakis) produced this bizarre self-loathing liberal turned conservative wingnut we see today. Hooray!

So this guy, who once upon a time ago was the Utah co-chairman for Michael Dukakis' Hindenburg-like campaign for U.S. President, suddenly decides he no longer wants anything to do with these godless Democrats who also happen to be his family. But his decision to move from crazy Cali to mild, austere Utah to attend Brigham Young University and convert to Mormonism has NOTHING to do with the fact that he is the wayward son of two prominent Democrats and the half-brother of a Brown-educated liberal politician and multi-talented entertainer, John Dukakis, who actually makes his parents proud, not dry heave repeatedly any time his name is mentioned.

So this Jason character, who apparently has worked out all his family issues, heads to BYU where he excels at football (if placekicker indeed counts as "playing") until a chance meeting with Ronnie Reagan in 1990 blew his mind (maybe he could be his daddy?) and propelled him on his current path as a crazy Republican wingnut trying to preserve traditional marriage so as to spare the next generation from suffering his same terrible non-nuclear childhood in Sodom & Gomorrah San Francisco.

Not to say his kooky right-wing stance on everything from global warming (liberal hoax) and immigration (put 'em in barbed-wire tent cities) to sinful gay marriage (the ULTIMATE abomination before the Lord) has anything to do with unresolved family issues.

Or the fact that his biological father John Chaffetz is a gay-rights advocate and author of popular pro-gay marriage book, Gay Reality: The Team Guido Story.

Or the fact that in a December 11, 1989 Sports Illustrated article, legendary BYU placekicker Jason Chaffetz described his position in the rough 'n tumble manly sport of AMERICAN FOOTBALL: "It's like being a ballet dancer—tight pants, a little contact and a whole lot of kicking."

Which is exactly how you'd expect any confident, straight, testosterone-fueled man to describe their athletic prowess on the field, especially in the 100% heterosexual sport of Football.

Or at least someone with such impressive leg strength and dexterity that they fold like a cheap suit five seconds after being manhandled in a nationally televised leg-wrestling match with Stephen Colbert.

This guy is straight-as-an-arrow! Or at least the kind of arrow who just loooooves ballet and simply cannot say no to rolling around on the floor with another grown man.

Nope, Rep. Chaffetz's obsession with keeping the dreaded gays off the altar is not the least bit suspicious. Much like his sexual orientation.

Mano y Mano: Colbert Vs. Chaffetz

Hammer Time With Harry Reid: Public Option, Can't Touch This!

That other Mormon politician not named Mittens, frail Senate majority leader Harry Reid is getting ready to unveil his health care proposal this afternoon, despite urging from the White House and Nancy Pelosi to kindly disappear in the Nevada desert and keep his dirty paws to himself or risk getting the sh*t slapped out of him by a certain Madame Speaker.

But Harry has never been one to listen to others, especially in the form of advice from the President or dismal approval numbers in every public opinion poll, which is why he will announce plans to push ahead with a public option vote--one that includes an opt-out provision for states--since he's spent the entire weekend begging members to pretty please support his measure cause he really doesn't want to get sent back to that Nevada hell he came from, a sad, broken man.

But the White House is nervous that this wisp of a Senate leader may imperil their chances of a bipartisan health care bill by alienating some Snow(e) woman from Maine and the one Republican whose idea of health care reform isn't limited to euthanizing Obama.

"In case the White House hasn't noticed, Republicans in Congress are engaged in what amounts to a sitdown strike. They don't like anything about Obama or his policies; they have no interest in seeing him succeed," Newsweek's Howard Fineman writes. "Despite the occasional protestation to the contrary, the GOP has no intention of helping him pass any legislation. Snowe may very well end up voting for whatever she and Democrats craft, but that won't make the outcome bipartisan any more than dancing shoes made Tom DeLay Fred Astaire...Worse, the pursuit of Snowe isn't uniting Democrats; it is dividing them."

Yes, but at least the Dems have secured their own Ginger Rogers to help dance their health care reform through Congress, even if it ends up injured, limping and breathing on a respirator. Anything's better than Tom DeLay in sparkly tights and a unitard.

Fineman continues that "some form of a public option is favored not only by most Democrats in Congress but by most of the American people. If Obama and the Democrats really want such a plan, they may as well try to get tough. For inspiration, the president might consider a Longfellow poem: "'In this world, a man must either be an anvil or a hammer.'"

Otherwise, we all get screwed.

Luckily, this 70-year-old convert to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is just the man for the job. They don't call him Harry "Mason" Reid for nothing.

Warning: Even Hot, Lingerie Clad Lesbians Not Safe From Prop 8-Enforcing Mormons In California

Listen up, Lesbos!

If you do not vote NO on California's Proposition 8 to ban same-sex marriage, closeted Mormons will invade your homes to steal your rights and gleefully rummage through your drawer of sinful lace panties.

That's right.

If you vote in favor of Prop 8 on Nov. 4, crazed Mormons from the Church of Latter Day Saints (think Mitt Romney times 1,000), who appear to have been transported directly from the Matrix movie trilogy, will come find you and your gay lover so they can laugh hysterically while ripping your (invalid) marriage certificate into shreds.

And don't think for one minute that only flannel-clad butches will be targeted.

Contrary to popular opinion, hot, lingerie wearing lipstick lezzies will not be immune to the great Mormon-led revolution against the scourge of Homosinuality in California!