Dick Cheney Breaks Out His Olde English Dictionary To Bring Down NObama

Every so often, dark, powerful forces emerge from the dank Earth below to complete their obligation to the natural world. Sometimes it comes in the form of cicadas whose short but vital existence of procreation, death, and nourishment of the Earth is essential to sustaining the natural rhythm of life. Other times it comes in the form of Dick Cheney whose sneering decrepit being emerges from the shadows to unleash his wrath upon unsuspecting mortals. This time his fury is directed at a whippersnapper named Barry for not causing enough death and destruction anywhere, but certainly not in Afghanistan.

"Having announced his Afghanistan strategy last March, President Obama now seems afraid to make a decision, and unable to provide his commander on the ground with the troops he needs to complete his mission...It's time for President Obama to make good on his promise. The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger."

Since we don't have an angry-old-man-to-English translator, we can only assume dithering is some senior citizen insult that went extinct some time during the Mesozoic Era.

"Make no mistake, signals of indecision out of Washington hurt our allies and embolden our adversaries. Waffling while our troops on the ground face an emboldened enemy endangers them and hurts our cause."

"Now they seem to be pulling back and blaming others for their failure to implement the strategy they embraced. It’s time for President Obama to do what it takes to win a war he has repeatedly and rightly called a war of necessity."

Ha ha too bad NObama is too big a pussy to send thousands of American soldiers to die in the rugged mountains of Tora Bora without thinking long and hard about it. You'll have to excuse Dick for not realizing America had a girly-girl in the White House instead of a strong man like Cheney or his two daughters(?) Liz and Mary.

I mean with all his helpful advice, you would think Dick had like 8 or so years to do something about that fun little war in Afghanistan, like actually winning (or making progress of any kind) instead of abandoning it to find all the oil WMDs in Iraq.

"You would think that our successors would be going to the intelligence community saying, 'How did you do it? What were the keys to preventing another attack over that period of time?'"

"Instead, they’ve chosen a different path entirely – giving in to the angry left, slandering people who did a hard job well, and demagoguing an issue more serious than any other they’ll face in these four years. No one knows just where that path will lead, but I can promise you this: There will always be plenty of us willing to stand up for the policies and the people that have kept this country safe."

Or at least when we're not wheelchair bound after undergoing yet another life saving operation to unclog our arteries and scrape away the fatty deposits blocking our blood flow.

But either way, there will always be some patriot like Dick to torture suspects, massacre civilians, squander international respect, botch military operations and use old man words to yell at likable presidents for not following the sound advice of the previous administration whose idea of peace is the deafening silence of carnage and death after being leveled by a heat-seeking missile courtesy of the mighty red, white, and blue.

USA! USA! USA! The bestest, strongest, most awesomest country in the whole damn world. No, make that the universe.

When Will The Chosen One Choose The Gays?

After eight loooong years of George W. Bush, those insatiable gays were finally ready for a president who doesn't believe Hurricane Katrina was God's way of showing his disapproval of their sinful lifestyle.

So when Barack Obama actually defeated that nice old man from Arizona to become America's first half-black president in history and the first semi-gay friendly prez in almost a decade, Americas' queers were overjoyed. Could Obama be the rainbow messiah they've been waiting for?

For starters, he wasn't afraid to say the dreaded three-letter word most candidates find any excuse possible to avoid. He called them by name. He said the word gay (gasp!). At not just when when he had to. But at black churches, in his speech to the decidedly non gay-loving NAACP, and even on election night. In all fairness, he also mentioned that other hedonist group, the atheists, and they're even worse than the gays!

Yes, Obama seemed a far cry from the country's straight white presidential past, and so while he worked to stimulate the economy back from the ravaged pit of despair left in Dubya's wake, figure out exit strategies from not one but two wars, help protect the environment, and reform health care so that uninsured Americans have more options than what color wooden casket they'd like, gays and lesbians sat patiently waiting for him to answer their prayers for equality.

In the meantime, momentum for the gays keeps building--in the courts, in legislatures, in the gay meccas of Iowa and New England. Hell, even freakin' Dick Cheney suddenly showed a soft spot for the gays, and not just cause daughter Mary is one of 'em but because he cares about justice and equality for every citizen of this great nation. Ha ha I'm just playing, it's totally because of her, well that, and the fact that he'll do anything to give Barry a hard time.

So the question remains what's a gay to do with Barry? Should they hate him for not doing more to overturn "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" or the Defense of Marriage Act? For not waving his magic wand and instantly granting America's favorite scapegoat of sin the rights they always heard about but never had? Rights that convicted felons enjoy like the freedom to serve in the military or have a quickie wedding in Vegas by a priest who also happens to be Elvis.

Some, like GLBT rabblerouser and big-time Democratic fundraiser Bruce Bastian, think this is a moral battle, and with truth on their side, it's time to stop being so god damn understanding.

"The President and Congress have really big items on their plate. I’m sure some politicians think, Why can’t the gays be patient? Well, every day that we’re patient we have more gay kids killing themselves. We have more soldiers getting their careers destroyed. We have more religious bigots convincing people to stay in the closet. You can’t get rid of bigotry with legislation, but you certainly can stall it. You can shut it up. Every day that we sit quiet and stay patient, we are losing people."

In other words, less articulate cogent arguments, more insane ramblings and mind-blowing disregard for reality. Just think of it like a Birther and ask yourself "What Would Orly Taitz Do?"

The Softer Side Of Dick

Omg. Bleeding heart liberal Dick Cheney (yes that Dick Cheney) may be no-nonsense on national security, but when it comes to matters of the heart, he's as soft as they come. After all, he's a family man first and a demented prophet of doom second.

And he for one knows that gays, while slightly repulsive and annoyingly clean, deserve the same rights as everyone else (except for suspected terrorists of course!). Compared to other threats out there like biological and chemical warfare, a nuclear armed Iran and North Korea, and that wackjob Osama bin Laden, the gays aren't even that bad.

Besides, his daughter Mary happens to be more than just a bit Merry herself. And Dick loves her for who she is: Him.

"I think that freedom means freedom for everyone," Cheney said. "I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish."

Unless they live in one of the 46 or so states that denies them this right. Then they can just pretend. What gays don't have imaginations either?

Like Father, Like Son?