Michael Steele Continues Trying His Very Hardest To Get Fired As America's Hottest Comedian & Coolest RNC Chairman...And Still Fails!

Oh Mikey, try as he might (and boy does he try!) to stop making his Grand Old Party look even more Grand Old Pathetic than it already is, there just doesn't seem to be any way for Mr. off-the-hook Chairman of youth to avoid repeating the same mindblowingly stupid mistakes over and over again. Just like some broken, old school hip-hop record. That's whack yo!

Truth is it has been like forever since Michael Steele said (or did) something dumb and outrageous to humiliate his Party on a national scale. Which in Michael Steele time, is only about two months or so, meaning El Chairman was waaaaaaay overdue to make another terrible gaffe to amuse the nation, and jeopardize his reign (though probably not) as the worst Republican National Committee Chairman in all its storied history of incompetent, brain-challenged leaders.

And this time it didn't even have to do with lesbian S&M bondage clubs or RNC policies of using racism as an actual strategy for the last 40+ years, so fat white slobs in the South vote for them. Hooray!

No, this time it has to do with a subject even closer to shriveled Republican hearts, their all-time favoritest activity and sacred nondenominational alter before which all Republicans bow: awesome war! More specifically, a fun little romp in the desert called the war in Afghanistan!

Speaking at a fundraiser in Connecticut, Michael Steele apparently forgot the two fundamental rules of the Republican Party: no one cares what the RNC Chairman says unless he says something crazy (which he always does), and never, under any circumstance, utter a single bad word about war, glorious war, which Republicans simply loooooove, and is always noble and just.

Keep in mind again, federal candidates, this was a war of Obama’s choosing. This is not something the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in...

That's right, people. 9/11 was a figment of our collective imaginations and that blissful, peace-filled eight-year reign of George W. Bush was little more than a fantastic never-ending dream America wishes was still enveloping them in its delicious warmth and comfort every night.

Otherwise, surely some young strapping patriot of freedom would have run up to the Chairman and stabbed him repeatedly for saying such an idiotic and meany thing...to sweet war, no less!

It was the president who was trying to be cute by half by flipping a script demonizing Iraq, while saying the battle really should be in Afghanistan. Well, if he’s such a student of history, has he not understood that you know that’s the one thing you don’t do, is engage in a land war in Afghanistan? All right, because everyone who has tried, over a thousand years of history, has failed. And there are reasons for that. There are other ways to engage in Afghanistan.

First off, someone really ought to tell Michael Steele that when being videotaped speaking in a circus tent and discussing sensitive subjects he isn't particularly well-versed on, a good idea would probably be to steer clear of offering misquoted foreign policy advice he stole from the movie Princess Bride, butchering Sicilian crime boss Vizzini's famous line "never get involved in a land war in Asia."

Inconceivable!

But Sir Chairman, what about his slightly less well-known: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" What, you only steal lines that have to do with Asians and Arabs? Italy isn't good enough for you!? For shame!

Oh, and another thing while we're on the subject of saying asinine thing in public forums, try to avoid using the word "cute" when describing the war-time actions of a sitting U.S. President. Yeah, yeah we know, everything the guy does is adorable, but do his actions really merit the same adjective as a Bratz doll or Malibu Barbie? Think about it. Because unlike black leather whips and gagged & bound faux lesbo strippers, it cheapens us all.

But on the bright side, congrats to the Steele man on his very impressive scholarly grasp on the convoluted, bloody history of Afghanistan. Taking such complex issues and making them seem sooooo easy! Well done sir, well done!

Plus, he even managed to do the impossible: unite in agreement the Democratic National Committee and the wingnuts on the right like Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol who wrote this seemingly nice, but secretly loaded letter urging the beloved Chairman of gaffes and screw-ups to step down:

Dear Michael,
You are, I know, a patriot. So I ask you to consider, over this July 4 weekend, doing an act of service for the country you love: Resign as chairman of the Republican party. Your tenure has of course been marked by gaffes and embarrassments, but I for one have never paid much attention to them, and have never thought they would matter much to the success of the causes and principles we share...

There are, of course, those who think we should pull out of Afghanistan, and they’re certainly entitled to make their case. But one of them shouldn't be the chairman of the Republican party... 

Needless to say, the war in Afghanistan was not "a war of Obama's choosing." It has been prosecuted by the United States under Presidents Bush and Obama. Republicans have consistently supported the effort. Indeed, as the DNC Communications Director (of all people) has said, your statement "puts [you] at odds with about 100 percent of the Republican Party."

Which gasp, could only mean one thing: Steele baby got things right for once. OMG, quick, fire this man at once!

Wait! Steeley Klan has issued an update re-framing his views on the war, saying, "As we have learned throughout history, winning a war in Afghanistan is a difficult task," adding that, "There is no question that America must win the war on terror...We must also remember that after the tragedy of September 11, 2001, [the war] is also a necessary one."

Just like how after the many tragedies of his tenure as Chairman, Steele's resignation is also a necessary one.

Unlike that whole war thing.

But alas, Michael consider the warning words of your (fictional) hero Vizzini:

Am I going MAD, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass...And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland Maryland!

Hell no he doesn't!

Good thing he does something stupid like this every few weeks or so, party leaders call for his head, he doesn't resign, the sun still rises in the East, sets in the West, the Earth continues to rotate on its axis, America gets wasted and explodes red, white, and blue combustibles for Independence, no one remembers anything by the time they return to work Tuesday morning, and everything returns to wondrous normalcy.

Only difference of course is instead of spectacular exploding for freedom, Republican leaders go back to their usual, boring imploding instead.

Gen. Stanley McChrystal Turns On The Real Enemies: The Lame, Non-War Loving Wimps In The White House

Oh no-zees! Did you hear the wild, earth-shattering news broken by that liberal elitist rag for hippie-dippie stoners and druggie rockstars, Rolling Stone?

No, no not what Lady Gaga wasn't wearing under her latest hideous ensemble that fashion experts are calling some sort of "dress."

The one about that psychotic commanding officer of all U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal whose obnoxious, petty, schoolgirl statements to Rolling Stone may just have cost his skinny, traitorous ass his job overseeing our entire "Kill Muslims" operation in the parched desert mountains of Tora Bora. Crazy, I know!

I mean who knew Rolling Stone still existed as an actual published magazine, read by real carbon-based, oxygen breathing human subscribers!?!

Well, turns out one of their intrepid reporters was taken off his very important Kei$ha beat to go to bumblef**k Afghanistan to get the scoop on all those He-Man GI Joe military macho types running around huntin' for Taliban and Osama bin Laden while spending their spare time bashing the recently elected DEMONcratic Obama administration, and all the arugula-eating liberal pussies prancing around the Oval Office in their silk robes and bunny slippers who comprise it.

Especially that no-good, terrible, weak Commander-in-Chief, Barack Hussein NObama who was “uncomfortable and intimidated” during a meeting with a bunch of generals.

"It was a 10-minute photo op,” said an adviser to McChrystal. “Obama clearly didn’t know anything about him, who he was. Here’s the guy who’s going to run his fucking war, but he didn’t seem very engaged. The Boss was pretty disappointed."

Wait, Bruce Springsteen was at the White House??

Oh, you mean their Boss man, the "Runaway General" Stan McChrystal Meth, I get it now!

Ha ha, what kind of loser nerd doesn't feel completely relaxed and totally at ease around a bunch of hot headed, career fatigues sportin' AK-47s strapped across their chests, whose professional goals include trying to kill as many dark skinned, turban-wearing people as is (in)humanly possible.

Probably a big gay wad that's who! Not as "fucking gay" as say the prospect of General Stanley "100% Pure All-Beef " McChrystal having to meet with some pansy French government officer or what not, but still!

But that's not all the meany comments McChrystal's posse of strapping, red-faced warmongers had to say about top White House officials, who don't even have the balls to go around murdering people for a living!

Like National Security Advisor James Jones who McChrystal's gang lovingly referred to as a "clown stuck in 1985" or the administration’s Afghan-Pakistan envoy, Richard Holbrooke, who one McChrystal thug aide is quoted as saying: "The Boss says he's like a wounded animal. Holbrooke keeps hearing rumors that he's going to get fired, so that makes him dangerous."

Oooh, sounds sexy!

They even make fun of Holbrooke's boring, dumb emails who no one, least of all McChrystal, ever wants to open, let alone read! It makes him feel dizzy and then his eyes start to get blurry and it looks like he's crying. And he NEVER, EVER cries under ANY circumstance, you got that? That's for girls and gays, only!

And just wait til you get a load of the hilarious stuff they said about legendary comedian and current Vice President Joe Biden, who we were under the mistaken impression is positively adored by every human being living on this planet. Not so, my friends, not so!

Asked about his feelings on the war strategy emphasized by a military NOBODY like ol' Joe, which focuses on the border region of Afghanistan and Pakistan with fewer troops and more drone attacks, Gen. McChrystal scoffed at such pussy talk, struggling to come up with a solid one-liner that would really make him look cool in front of his subordinates.

"Are you asking about Vice President Biden," Gen. McChystal reportedly jokes. "Who's that?"
And then one of his equally funny aides says, “Biden? Did you say ‘Bite me?’”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG, GET IT?? Because it like almost rhymes, and also proves they don't much care for smarty bookworm types who think of war in terms of strategy and action plans instead of blowing sh*t up and shooting Muslim motherf**kers every darn, stinkin' chance they get.

But the real question now becomes, what the hell is Barry gonna do with America's favoritest, unstable "Runaway General" who talks smack about his superiors in the White House, such as the actual President of the United States, when talking on the record to reporters at national pop culture magazines?

Of course, one would think this might be the exact time to act like an actual, reasonable adult not a childish buffoon, especially with all the scary death and destruction that usually accompanies working in a nightmarish war zone hellhole.

Well not Mr. Crazy-Ass McChrystal, whose daily grind of sleeping four hours a night, running seven miles every morning, and eating just one measly meal a day makes him less of an actual human being and more of a terrifying robot war machine. Dare I even say, a predator drone?

So, anyway Barry is lucky enough to get to go mano-y-mano with this camouflaged nutjob and explain very calmly why he is being publicly skewered and privately fired for acting like a smug third grader with severe ADHD, and a disturbing history of torturing small animals, and probably babies too.

From Rolling Stone's Runaway General:

"The dinner comes with the position, sir," explained his chief of staff, Col. Charlie Flynn.
McChrystal turns sharply in his chair.
"Hey, Charlie," he asks, "does this come with the position?"
McChrystal gives him the middle finger.

A real charmer, that Stan! How can you not love this guy?

Hopefully, President Obama will decide to send McChrystal somewhere desolate and deserted, where they welcome dangerous rogues who defy their superiors, and live for the delicious smell of scorched flesh, smart bombs, and freshly spilled blood in the morning.

Wasilla?? Or perhaps somewhere nice 'n warm like Arizona or Guantanamo, if it makes him feel more comfortable and at home?

Errr, at least as comfortable as possible for a cold-blooded assassin whose only friend is a shiny metal tube and handle that goes "BOOM!" when you pull that cute li'l button sharing the same adorable name as $arah Palin's youngest and special neediest miracle of God, Trigger!

"Besides, the public eye has never been a place where McChrystal felt comfortable: Before President Obama put him in charge of the war in Afghanistan, he spent five years running the Pentagon’s most secretive black ops."

OMG, this guy sounds like a complete and utter lunatic! Quick, someone alert Michael Steele, I think we've found the perfect Grand Old Psychopath to lead the Grand Old Party back from the brink of extinction to a place they know and love so well: the brink of war.

But thanks to dovey NObama, there probably won't even be such a thing as war anymore.

Then what will poor McChrystal do for the rest of his twilight years? Join the Peace Corps and take up crocheting?

Ugh, and to think some people actually think war is hell! Ha, more like hella awesome!!

Sarah Palin Wishes Barack Obama Would Love War Like A True American

Ugh, why can't Barack Obama start loving war like a real American?

A rough 'n tumble, real American, like Sarah Louise Palin, who understands America is only as strong as the number of civilians and non-combatants we kill with predator drones and unmanned aerial vehicles, preferably without either international or popular support.

Hello, this is America, home of the free and brave, not free and 'fraidy cat!

And sorry, NObama but one little war in Afghanistan is not good enough. NOT GONNA CUT IT, ya hear!?

Until Mr. Pussyfoot over here starts understanding we need to bomb MORE hospitals, MORE schools, and MORE unarmed gatherings of citizens like weddings and funerals, we will NEVER live up to our true potential, as the undisputed king of the jungle. The mighty lion, hear us Roarrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Instead, we're like little lambs to the slaughter. Bleat, bleat!

But, bomb, baby bomb, and we'll be strong like bull. Huff, huff!

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!!!!

Fun Facts: Special Literal Edition!

Ooooh, everybody loves fun facts! Literally. Everybody.

Did you know?

• Beautiful blue-eyed bombshell Michele Bachmann is literally Nostradamus (with ovaries!) because she correctly predicted that Barack Obama is literally Hitler or at the very least, any one of the other notoriously evil monsters of humanity over the last oh, two centuries or so.

• And also Obama is literally a King or Emperor or any other type of ruler, preferably despotic, because he regulates bank and helps poor people not die—the two all-time favoritest pastimes of all tyrants of humanity since the dawn of civilization when Adam and Eve were tricked by the evil serpent, likely one of Obama's forefathers, to taste the forbidden apple and kicked out of Eden. Forever.
  

• President Obama literally wants to be Sarah Palin because he too sports a sexy black leather jacket when goin' rogue on secret missions to Afghanistan to yell at corrupt leaders of fledgling countries and wow the crowds with his charming smile, some well-placed winks, and mastery of the English language. All without even looking at the palm of his hand! Ugh, show off!
  

• Anyone who predicted Joe Biden would at some point in the very near future say or do something outrageously stupid to embarrass himself, the president, or anyone with the ability to blush in shameful humiliation, is literally a genius. So, congratulations, Einsteins, you have unearthed the very purpose Joe Biden's whole existence! Awww, don't be modest, it's a big f*cking deal!

• Big pimpin', phat 'n fresh RNC Chairman Michael Steele is bringing sexy back to the GOP--and not just in the form of one-armed midgets and Stephen Baldwin! Word is the Steele man is trying to get the hip hop Party of Youth back to its old school Republican roots by droppin' scrilla (dollar dollar bills y'all!) at hoity toity S&M sex clubs featuring bondage and women slaves in dog collars doing lesbiany things to each other. Family values are literally HOTTTTTTT!!! Freedom's the sh*t, for reals, yo!
  

Meghan McCain Can't Understand Why Hollywood Doesn't See War as Playful Romp Through Gum Drop Forest

Meghan McCain is very upset. And this time, it's not even 'cause of a bad hair day or 'cause everyone is talking about her bountiful breasts which she took a picture of and posted on Twitter because she loves America that much. Nope, not even close. This time it's even worse: Hollywood.

Meggy just doesn't understand why the stars and elitists over in Hollywood hate our troops so much. She, for one, adores them. They're so cute, cuddly and heroic, how could you not just wanna squeeze 'em and kiss 'em?

Which is why she is terribly upset, no make that outraged, that the new Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, Natalie Portman film "Brothers" she saw over the weekend about a Marine serving in Afghanistan didn't portray our war heroes as realistically as you'd expect from a big Hollywood Blockbuster.

Meghan asked her mother Cindy if she would come see the movie with her, but naturally Cindy said "she didn't want to give any money to a movie in which the preview showed the soldier coming back home and waving a gun at his family in their driveway." Hits too close to home or something.

I mean how ridiculous is that? Such obscene things would never happen. If anything, he would just divorce his now crippled wife and leave his old family for a fresh start with a much younger, richer blond heiress who still has use of her legs.

While Meghan was also deeply disturbed by the preview, her curiosity about Hollywood's take on our soldiers and the current wars in Iraq and Afghanistan triumphed and Meggy was forced to endure "Brothers" all by her lonesome.

This is where the plot thickens my friends! So Megs and her popcorn are just chilling at the theater waiting to see what crazy perversion of war Hollywood's come up with now. Like showing our soldiers as deserters or whackjobs instead of the perfect specimens of humanity Meghan knows they really are.

In Brothers, not only does one of the Marines captured by the Taliban actually say that he "realized we shouldn’t be there," but Maguire’s character Sam beats a fellow soldier to death with a lead pipe. Sam then returns home to his family and goes AWOL trying to kill both his wife and his brother.

Can you believe the nerve of these Hollywood hotshots, portraying soldiers as real human beings with feelings whose experience in war is sometimes so traumatic that they actually have trouble readjusting to civilian life afterward?

Well, Megan cannot.

"I don’t care if every producer, director, and screenwriter in Hollywood is against the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq (and presumably most are), what offends me is the portrayal of soldiers as cowards and lunatics—driven to such lengths that they come home and try to kill their families," Meghan writes.

"Obviously, post-traumatic stress disorder has become more prevalent in the military and clearly this is a problem that needs to be seriously addressed. But I believe these films add to the damage when they portray soldiers as disloyal, unwilling to serve, and against the missions themselves. In my experience, this couldn’t be further from the truth."

After all, she is the daughter of a onetime POW turned politician, so she knows everything there is to know about war.

In other words, Meghan knows post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) exists and all, but still doesn't understand why we have to focus on the "ugly" side of war, when everyone knows war is mostly about having a good time and also shooting some people.

"How many deserters do you actually hear about on the news? Not very many. Unfortunately, the thousands of stories about heroism and courage that could be told about our soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan are not in the interest of many Hollywood filmmakers, and so a real disservice is being done to these troops. These films only perpetuate negative stereotypes about soldiers and the military. At a time when support for the war in Afghanistan is dividing this country, I simply don’t understand why Hollywood insists on portraying our soldiers in such a negative light. If Vietnam taught us anything, it was hate the war, love the warrior."

Right on Meggy! Hate the war but love the warrior. By sending them to die in some proxy war in the Vietnamese jungle (or mountainous desert terrain). And if they're "brave" enough to actually come back in one piece, don't provide them with any mental and or physical support for their injuries or sacrifices. But whatever you do, certainly don't acknowledge the heavy burden many of them now carry as a result of their dedicated service to America or in any way help them put the pieces of their shattered lives back together.

Because that shows weakness. And strong, brave American soldiers are NEVER weak, understand? NEVER! They are brave courageous men and women whose haunting memories of the horrors of war gently fall off them like leaves fall from trees in autumn.

It's just a shame Hollywood still has the silly notion that war is hell, when it's really helloooo opportunity, or in Daddy's case, helloooo presidency. Almost.

Obama Puts Peace Prize to Work With New Afghan War Plan--Exit Strategy Included!

While the American people spent endless nights tossing and turning, worried that President Obama's "dithering" on Afghanistan would not only invite a second 9/11 but the end of civilization as we know it, Obama and military advisers were working hard to craft a feasible strategy that goes beyond Bush's brilliant approach to war: "Bring 'em on!"

Speaking to an audience of West Point cadets, President Obama laid out his much-anticipated plan for Afghanistan, including a 30,000-troop surge and new strategy that incorporates civilian engagement, partnering with Pakistan, diplomacy, international cooperation, and much to the horror of Republicans, a timetable for withdrawal (gasp!).

After acknowledging that "Afghanistan has deteriorated," Obama said that he understood the human cost of war, and took seriously "asking even more of you." He emphasized the existential threat to America that the region poses, saying, "In the last few months alone we have apprehended extremists within our borders who were sent here from the border region of Afghanistan and Pakistan to commit new acts of terror."

The president also rebutted three arguments against his plan: First, to "those that suggest Afghanistan is another Vietnam," he argued that the current mission has international support and began due to an attack on American soil. Second, to those who would argue to maintain the status quo, he cited "slow deterioration" as the inevitable outcome. (Think of it like John McCain's presidential campaign).

Finally, to those who propose an even heavier troop increase—like war-loving definition of manhood Gen. Stanley McChrystal and the rest of those career military types who've dedicated their entire lives to blowing sh*t up on behalf of the mighty red, white, and blue—the president argues against any plan that would "commit us to a nation building project of up to a decade."

"As president, I refuse to set goals that go beyond our responsibilities, our means, or our interests."

Obama acknowledged that the decision to set an exit strategy was a controversial one (since apparently no one likes to end a war), but said that setting a time-line for troop withdrawal was the best way to motivate the Afghan government to step up.

"After 18 months of an increased U.S. military presence in their country, American troops will begin to leave Afghanistan starting in July 2011," nearly a decade after Bush invaded this rough and hostile terrain only to lose bin Laden and start a new, funner war with sweet oil bonuses and a chance to avenge his daddy's assassination attempt too!

Of course, the real surprise of this joyous "Night of Our New Afghanistan Policy" wasn't Obama's proposal for Afghanistan or the War on Terror in general, but Republicans' horrified reaction to setting an "artificial" deadline for withdrawing troops.

John McCain, for one, is terribly upset about all this "end of war" business.

"The way that you win wars is to break the enemy’s will, not to announce dates that you are leaving," McCain told reporters.

You see, Gramps McCain knows a thing or two about war, like getting captured by the enemy while fighting in it. And much like the entire Republican Party, he's also NEVER met a war he didn't like, or for that matter, a war worth ending. Ever.

Which is why America should be thrilled and excited to know that the leading Republican voice on the president’s strategy for Afghanistan and Pakistan still uses terminology like "win wars" to to describe the complex and delicate role of the United States in solving the Afghan riddle that's confounded every nation that's tried in the last 100 years or so.

Yes, McCain should be a very effective and skilled negotiator during the next, oh let's say, three-decades long war (keep your fingers crossed!) which he loves and totally understands.

But in the case that his age or dementia becomes a factor, fear not my friends, because there's another foreign policy expert/maverick ready to carry the torch.

That is, if she ever figures out how to light the darn thing.

Lou Dobbs & Bill O'Reilly Have Serious Policy Discussion On Whether Obama Is Indeed Satan

Slovenly, Mexican-hunting former CNN resident curmudgeon, Lou Dobbs went on Bill O' Reilly's fair and balanced show to assure the nervous public not to worry because ol' Lou ain't going nowhere. In fact, it's time to get excited people, because Lou's gonna be everywhere!

He and the ol' wifey have been talking and together realized they could never let that dark-hued menace pile-drive this beautiful star-spangled nation of ours into oblivion without a fight first.

Luckily, Lou is very blessed (unlike the rest of us schmucks and deadbeats) to have a lot of opportunities to continue espousing his xenophobic rants wherever he pleases. Whether it be as the next senator from New Jersey or the next bloated host of FoxNews, Lou 100% guarantees he will remain in the public arena. Hooray!

After this riveting discussion about what medium Lou will destroy next (radio? television? C-Span?), O'Reilly moves on to his final question, where he asks with utter seriousness "Is Barack Obama the devil?"

Of course, such an outrageously ridiculous question doesn't even remotely faze racist television goblin Lou Dobbs, who is well-versed in matters of Satan and hell, and he proceeds to answer this deep philosophical query with all the weight and importance it naturally commands.

Turns out, Lou doesn't think Obama's the Devil per se (though we can never be sure), but what he does know is he doesn't trust the madman or his demonic policy decisions as far as he can throw 'em.

Like what the hell is taking so long for Obama to make a decision on Afghanistan, with it being such a straightforward, crystal clear issue without any nuances or complexities to consider. I mean what's so difficult about bombing these Arab Mexicans back to the stone ages and teaching the terrorists a real lesson by embroiling ourselves in a violent struggle halfway across the world with no viable exit strategy or guarantees except a long trail of wasted, blood-soaked trillions and dead U.S. soldiers.

Or why it's necessary to turn over 1/6 of the economy to the evil and inept United States government that Lou loves so much but doesn't trust to do anything except screw everything up and turn our perfect health care system (never mind those 45 million or so poor Americans) into some Soviet Gulag where Grandma goes to die but some border-hopping Mexican can get a flu-shot for his son, Pepe. For free.

Now, it's not like Lou's saying Obama's the devil or anything, being the rational, fully conscious human being and cherished media icon that he is.

He's simply using common sense and indisputable facts about what a certain Kenyan Socialist (not to mention the endless stream of Mexicans) is doing to this once-great pure, white Christian nation of ours. (Saving it?)

Let's not forget, the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

John Shadegg Knows We Should Never Surrender To Terrorists By Surrendering To Terrorists

Adorably unstable Arizona Rep. John Shadegg--whose awesome argument against health care reform was to drag infant baby "Maddie" onto the House floor to "explain" (in a deep man's voice) why she no likey Obama's doomsday health care plan to insure all Americans and offer free abortions for all the other babies not lucky enough to escape the liberal holocaust of the unborn--has set his sights on a new target: Mayor Michael Bloomberg for having the gall to claim New Yorkers aren't afraid of hosting terror trials.

Ha ha Mr. Tough Guy Billionaire Mike! Well, John over here wants to know just how tough Bloomie will be when it's his two daughters who are kidnapped walking down Madison Ave in broad daylight!

"I saw the Mayor of New York said today, 'We're tough. We can do it.' Well, Mayor, how are you going to feel when it's your daughter that's kidnapped at school by a terrorist? How are you going to feel when it's some clerk -- some innocent clerk of the court -- whose daughter or son is kidnapped? Or the jailer's little brother or little sister? This is political correctness run amok."

God damn right it is! Luckily there's someone as smart and sensible as John Shadegg to warn the American people what can happen, no make that, what will happen if we allow 9/11 suspects like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to be tried in a civilian court and afford him due process of the law instead of pouring water over him while he's blindfolded, naked and strapped to a table for an indefinite period of time in some secret island prison in Cuba.

If there's one thing that really pisses Al-Qaeda off more than infidel Americans acting like, well, infidel Americans, it's hosting trials of high-level terrorist suspects using standard court procedures instead of letting their fear and irrationality drive them to depart from their normal rules of justice to create naked pyramids and beat the hate out of them using their holy book, the Koran.

The last thing we want is for KSM and other 9/11 perpetrators to think we're "surrendering to terrorists" because we're too scared sh*tless of what they might do to us (not counting those two towers or anything) to hold them accountable for the deaths of thousands of Americans in a court of law on our own soil.

Which is why we're so fortunate to have courageous Republicans like John Shadegg to exploit the fears and insecurities of the public by insisting that "the safety and security of the American people" means that we must abandon our long-held belief in justice and the rule of law when dealing with terrorists.

Unlike those crazy Democrats and Independents like Mayor Bloomberg who have enough faith in the American justice system to think those responsible for killing Americans should actually be tried in America of all places!

When everyone knows if we ever capture Osama bin Laden, the smartest, most logical thing to do would be to send him to a place more capable of carrying out proper justice than the dumb U.S. of A.

You know, a country we trust...like Afghanistan.

The Un-PC Truth About Major Hasan's Schizo Rampage At Fort Hood

Major Nidal Malik Hasan, At Your Service

I hate to say 20/20 hindsight, but turns out there may have been some warning signs that unraveling Army psychiatrist Major Nidal Malik Hasan was hanging by a thread long before deciding to turn his simmering rage and frustration into one of the worst rampages in U.S. military history.

So basically the U.S. military and at least one intelligence(?) agency had Major Hasan on their radar and were well aware that he was an increasingly erratic, ticking time-bomb who openly professed his desire to see this infidel star-and-striped whore burn in fiery hell of apocalyptic proportions for years before deciding to rampage through Fort Hood, massacring 13 people in a haze of bullets, blood, and chaos.

I guess you could also say Hasan was a tad upset about his pending deployment to Afghanistan considering he would rather burn in the fire of a thousand infidels than defend this blood-sucking pox on the Muslim brotherhood we call America and warned senior Army physicians in 2007 that the military would be wise to allow Muslim soldiers to be released as conscientious objectors if they wanted to avoid "adverse events." Hmmm, wonder what he meant by that?

Not wanting to jump to any rash conclusions, however, investigators are still trying to "determine if the attack was motivated by the suspect's Islamic religious beliefs, which appear to have hardened markedly during the years he spent in the Army, or by other factors, like his anger over a pending deployment to Afghanistan."

It's so hard to tell sometimes! Never mind Hasan's growing disconnect, repeated attempts to reach out to Al-Qaeda, vocal justification of suicide bombings, poor performance reviews, and constant spewing of anti-American hatred during classroom presentations praising Muslims because "We love death more then [sic] you love life!"

"There were definitely clear indications that Hasan's loyalties were not with America," Hasan's classmate at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland, Lt. Col. Val Finnell said.

"When you are in the military and you start making comments that are seditious, when you say you believe something other than your oath of office — someone needed to say why is this guy saying this stuff."

"He was a lightning rod. He made his views known and he was very vocal, he had extremely radical jihadist views," Finnell said. "When you're a military officer you take an oath to defend against all enemies foreign and domestic."

"They should've confronted him — our professors, officers — but they were too concerned about being politically correct."

Of course Fox News' Bill O' Reilly concedes the sad PC truth that since we "can't kill all the Muslims" (I know, I know--lame!) we'll have to settle for winning as many hearts and minds of good moderate Muslims as we can, which means avoiding the term "Muslim terrorist" at all costs.

Which really grinds Papa Bear's gears! Considering official U.S. anti-terrorism policy is still basically "run around the Middle East for 10-20 years and try to kill all the Muslims," President Obama's supposed avoidance of labeling the attack an "act of terror" is simply outrageous and downright un-American!

In fact, it seems suspiciously like something a secret Muslim terrorist President would do.

Baruch Obama Saves The Jews!

Remember that whole to do about how Obama is really a secret Muslim terrorist who would love nothing more than to gleefully watch Israel sink into the Mediterranean, along with the rest of the pesky Jews? Well, much like Sarah Palin's knowledge of anything other than how to field dress wild game and wayward ex-boyfriends, this too was proven false.

Turns out the State Department's been running a super-secret operation to get Jews the f**k out of Yemen and into a land where they won't coincidentally be the target of every increasingly violent incident rocking the country. So, basically that leaves the United States and Israel.

Of the 350 Jews living in Yemen before the operation began (apparently they have them), about 60 have already been resettled, and about 100 more are on their way. Those remaining will most likely stay in Yemen in a "government enclave" to protect them from rising anti-Semiticism in the form of crazed al-Qaeda terrorists running around, solidifying their stronghold on the country.

But the secret evacuation of anyone, let alone an entire community of (less than beloved) Jews living for centuries in near total isolation in the Arabian Peninsula, is no easy task. There's the usual growing pains like trying to board a flight with live chickens, understanding that running water and electricity are not omens from God but inventions from man, and other minor adjustments living links with the ancient world make when joining the rest of 21st century society.

To complicate matters, the U.S. State Department risked opening themselves up to criticism for helping a bunch of Jews no one knew existed escape a country no one's really heard of, at a time when refugees around the world are clamoring for a haven of their own.

I mean it's not like the U.S. likes Jews more than any other persecuted group seeking salvation it's just that they serve dual humanitarian and geopolitical purposes. Not only would America get to rescue a group threatened because of its religion (Brownie points!!), but also hopefully prevent an international embarrassment for its embattled Arab ally.

Despite his efforts, Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh was having a difficult time protecting himself, let alone a bunch of weird stone-age Jews with curly hair. The alternative--risking broader attacks on the Jews--could well have undermined the Obama administration's efforts to rally support for President Saleh at home and abroad, and prevent Yemen from becoming the the next 'stan we feel compelled to invade.

The Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society's network has been helping arrange housing and disburse food stamps, cash and other refugee benefits to the Yemeni arrivals. However, many of the adults aren't yet capable of budgeting, following a schedule or sitting still in a structured classroom to learn English.

Well, well looks like someone's fitting into America just perfectly!

Dick Cheney Breaks Out His Olde English Dictionary To Bring Down NObama

Every so often, dark, powerful forces emerge from the dank Earth below to complete their obligation to the natural world. Sometimes it comes in the form of cicadas whose short but vital existence of procreation, death, and nourishment of the Earth is essential to sustaining the natural rhythm of life. Other times it comes in the form of Dick Cheney whose sneering decrepit being emerges from the shadows to unleash his wrath upon unsuspecting mortals. This time his fury is directed at a whippersnapper named Barry for not causing enough death and destruction anywhere, but certainly not in Afghanistan.

"Having announced his Afghanistan strategy last March, President Obama now seems afraid to make a decision, and unable to provide his commander on the ground with the troops he needs to complete his mission...It's time for President Obama to make good on his promise. The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger."

Since we don't have an angry-old-man-to-English translator, we can only assume dithering is some senior citizen insult that went extinct some time during the Mesozoic Era.

"Make no mistake, signals of indecision out of Washington hurt our allies and embolden our adversaries. Waffling while our troops on the ground face an emboldened enemy endangers them and hurts our cause."

"Now they seem to be pulling back and blaming others for their failure to implement the strategy they embraced. It’s time for President Obama to do what it takes to win a war he has repeatedly and rightly called a war of necessity."

Ha ha too bad NObama is too big a pussy to send thousands of American soldiers to die in the rugged mountains of Tora Bora without thinking long and hard about it. You'll have to excuse Dick for not realizing America had a girly-girl in the White House instead of a strong man like Cheney or his two daughters(?) Liz and Mary.

I mean with all his helpful advice, you would think Dick had like 8 or so years to do something about that fun little war in Afghanistan, like actually winning (or making progress of any kind) instead of abandoning it to find all the oil WMDs in Iraq.

"You would think that our successors would be going to the intelligence community saying, 'How did you do it? What were the keys to preventing another attack over that period of time?'"

"Instead, they’ve chosen a different path entirely – giving in to the angry left, slandering people who did a hard job well, and demagoguing an issue more serious than any other they’ll face in these four years. No one knows just where that path will lead, but I can promise you this: There will always be plenty of us willing to stand up for the policies and the people that have kept this country safe."

Or at least when we're not wheelchair bound after undergoing yet another life saving operation to unclog our arteries and scrape away the fatty deposits blocking our blood flow.

But either way, there will always be some patriot like Dick to torture suspects, massacre civilians, squander international respect, botch military operations and use old man words to yell at likable presidents for not following the sound advice of the previous administration whose idea of peace is the deafening silence of carnage and death after being leveled by a heat-seeking missile courtesy of the mighty red, white, and blue.

USA! USA! USA! The bestest, strongest, most awesomest country in the whole damn world. No, make that the universe.

McCain Warns Against 'Historic Error' That's Not His Presidential Campaign

Despite the typical Republican temper tantrums anytime the president does something to avoid unnecessarily enraging the rest of the world or sending scores of Americans to certain death in hostile foreign terrain, Barack Obama continues to meet with his national security team to "generate new military and strategic options for Afghanistan" beyond the brilliant recommendations of Gen. Stanley McChrystal to continue condemning soldiers to die, thirsty and alone, on a parched mountainside in the middle of the desert.

While Obama and his top advisers mull the status of the U.S. war in Afghanistan (aka act like pussies), real military men like Gen. McChrystal, Sen. John McCain and apparently, the entire Republican Party, know that every passing moment is another opportunity wasted. For what exactly they can't say, but that's not what's important here.

What is, however, is the indisputable fact that the war in Afghanistan simply cannot be won with even a single soldier less than the 40,000 McChrystal requested, or at least according to one heroic former POW.

Asked whether 10,000 or 20,000 additional troops in Afghanistan would suffice, McCain quickly replied, "I do not," adding that "disregarding requirements that have been laid out and agreed to would be an error of historic proportions."

And if there's anyone who knows about errors of historic proportions, it's "that one" John McCain.

"I think the great danger now is a half-measure, sort of a -- you know, try to please all ends of the political spectrum," McCain told CNN. "And, again, I have great sympathy for the president, making the toughest decisions that presidents have to make, but I think he needs to use deliberate speed."

Hmmm, I used to think 'deliberate speed' was an oxymoron but now I finally get it! McCain just means Obama should give it the same consideration he gave his choice of running mate.

That way, you betcha no mistakes will be made!