The Most Nerve-Wracking Moment of George W. Bush’s Presidency Was Throwing A Baseball; Throwing Two Wars & An Economy In The Gutter Is Child's Play

How's That For A Strike?

Human caricature and accidental cowboy president George W. Bush sure had a lot of "nerve-wracking" moments during his 8-year reign showering peace and prosperity smart bombs and death onto the land with his signature combination of utter recklessness and absolute idiocy.

And with the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history, two endless, bloody wars, Hurricane Katrina's drowning of New Orleans, unprecedented trampling of civil liberties, including initiating the most wide-ranging extrajudicial surveillance of American citizens in a generation, authorizing widespread abuses of detainees at Gitmo and various other secret terrorist prisons around the world, all after achieving the narrowest (and most disputed!) presidential victory in history, you'd think he'd have plenty of ripe, juicy memories to choose from!

You'd be wrong. Haha, silly fools! Because, as it turns out, "the most nervous moment" of his presidency—check that, of his entire life—was throwing out the ceremonial first pitch at the 2001 World Series.

From his lips to your ears!

According to his interview with the producers of HBO's documentary Beyond 9/11: Portraits of Resilience, George W. Bush's most heart-pounding, sweat inducing feeling came during that seminal moment the world will never remember forget, Game One of the 2001 Yankees-Diamondbacks world series. That's right, the freakin' Diamondbacks!

The adrenaline was coursing through my veins, and the ball felt like a shotput. And Todd Greene, the catcher, looked really small. Sixty feet and six inches seemed like a half-mile. And anyway, I took a deep breath and threw it, and thankfully it went over the plate. The response was overwhelming. It was the most nervous I had ever been. It was the most nervous moment of my entire presidency, it turns out.

Oh, hahaha, so that's how it turned out!! I always thought it turned out with thousands of Americans dead, even more thousands of Muslim civilians bombed, America's 31st biggest city (but #1 biggest party city!) transformed into a new, modern-day Atlantis, and trillions & trillions of dollars in unpaid war debt!

On the bright side, at least Kanye didn't call him a racist who doesn't care about black people, because that would have been really tragic. Almost as tragic as caring about them enough to actually do anything to, oh, I don't know, maybe help them during one of the worst natural disasters in American history.

Just a thought.

Seriously, that was some fucking pitch, though.

Now, if we could only have figured out a way to strike out the most nerve-wracking moment of his Presidency for the rest of us. I believe it was called the 2000s.

Republicans Debate Who Can Mindlessly Cram The Words Taxes & Ronald Reagan Into As Many Sentences As Possible In Two Hours

If you're like most normal, non-self loathing members of the public who don't particularly enjoy watching eight sociopaths suffering from various delusions and mental illnesses yell at each other over who loves Ronnie Reagen and Jesus, but hates terrible (Socialist) taxes (and gays!) the most, you probably missed last night's GOP Presidential clusterfuck debate.

Fear not, my friend! Lucky for you, some other miserable sadsack suffered through two endless hours of staring into Michele Bachmann's crazy baby blues, while Rick Perry bragged about all the awesome people he's executed (almost as many as Mitt's Mormon brood!) to bring you the only two words that mean anything to today's Grand Old Party:

Taxes and Ronald Reagan! Ronnie Reagan and Taxes!

Which is quite confusing! I mean how the hell do you tax a guy who's been dead for ten years?

Through one of Nancy's famous séances??

Either way, what's Jesus, the real one, not the actor/president/tax god, gonna say when he hears they FORGOT 9/11?!?!?

Two whole hours and not a single mention??

For Christ's sake!

The Art Of War: 9/11 Children's Coloring Book Helps Make Learning (To Hate Muslims) Fun Again!

Howdy, America! If you haven't already realized, or have been living under a rock (let's call her Sarah Palin), the 10-year anniversary of 9/11 is fast approaching, which begs the important question, what are you doing to celebrate freedom this year? Other than the usual neighborhood Mosque burning/BBQ block party/toga fest, of course!

But, what about the little ones? Are they donning their finest red, white, and blues and sufficiently freaked out about being blown to bits by Muslim terrorists who hate freedom but love fiery jihadist death?

No? Well then, have we got just the thing for you! A delightful wingnut coloring book, "We Shall Never Forget 9/11: The Kids' Book of Freedom" to remind the li'l whippersnappers who's with us (Christians!), who's against us (liberals!) and who wants to murder us all in a massive explosion of jet fuel and steel (Muslims!).

Now, the kiddies will never forget 9/11. And much like drunk Uncle Ray, they'll never forget what color terrifying Muslims destroying America and freedom should be shaded in either. Remember, children, the awful brown crayon is for Osama-y people and the beautiful peach color is for the American soldiers!

What they will forget however is that Bush and Cheney repeatedly ignored warnings about Osama bin Laden, and then used the 9/11 attacks as an excuse to dupe the dumb, unsuspecting public into a bloody, protracted war in Iraq for oil and corporate profits, because Crayola still hasn't figured out the best crayon to use when shading in evil.

Wayne Bell, publisher of Really Big Coloring Books, Inc., says that the book is a memorial tribute. "It is an informational piece to help educate children on events on 9/11." It is "a simplistic, honest tool."

Just like him!

Despite complaints that nearly all mentions of Muslims in the book are accompanied by the words "terrorist," "extremist," or better yet, "freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists," Bell stood by the book as an "honest depiction."

"The truth is the truth," Bell said. “We don’t show any broken bones or tissue or explosion of heads or anything like that. This isn’t near that.”

Yay??

What you will find is the accompanying text, which reads, “Children, the truth is, these terrorist acts were done by freedom-hating radical Islamic Muslim extremists. These crazy people hate the American way of life because we are FREE and our society is FREE.”

"It's unfortunate that they were all Muslim and that's the part people want to erase," Bell said. "I don't know what else you can call them."

How about Saudis? Or psychos, maybe? Though, as soon as li'l Johnny is done coloring, you can probably call them brown people, too. Or ragheads. Whatever you prefer!

Seriously, who doesn't love children’s coloring book history lessons, like why this time, it was the awful, no-good, freedom-hating Muslims, not the gross gays or greedy Jews, responsible for all the 9/11 death and destruction?

That way, you won't ever have to say to yourself, "wait, what color are Jews again?"

Oh well, time to go help my toddler color the picture of the bomb in tower 7. Also, the Christian cross at ground zero could use some filling in.

But, be sparing with your blue crayons, kids! You'll need those for the waterboarding pages.

See, isn't America grand? Instead of just being afraid of Muslims, you can be scared of coloring books too!

Thanks To Republicans, America Isn't Just Safe From Gays, But Immigrant Children & Their Gross, Immigrant Ways

Rejoice America! Because yesterday, while Senate Republicans — some of the most sexually open, secure people in the entire world — were patriotically filibustering the very idea of debating the possibility of maybe repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell, giving terrible gays and lezzies the right to die for their country, the Grand Obstructionist Party were also working hard, killing that "other" awful Mexican-ish measure which would help Dora the Explorer and other no good, dirty, job-stealing brown people become actual American citizens, like true defenders of the Constitution!

It's true! The Democrats' so-called Dream Act, (or as Republicans call it, the un-American Nightmare Act) would allow "children of undocumented immigrants who've contributed to the country, by attending college or serving in the military, to get on a path to citizenship," which everyone knows is a horrible idea that makes us want to vomit in our mouths, and would do nothing more than turn the pure, homogeneously white U.S. of A into some unrecognizable, muddled red & green, salsa dancing Estados Unidos wasteland.

But thanks to the hard work and diligence of Senate Republicans, America is finally safe from the deviant gays and terrifying anchor babies/future 9/11 hijackers. In other words, precious li'l miracles of Allah and mini Mohamed Attas in diapers. Like Dora the Explorer Conquistadora Jihadist Warrior.

Glenn Beck & Sarah Palin Know The Best Way To Honor 9/11 Victims Is To Score As Much Dirty, Sexy Money Off The Poor Schmucks As Possible!

In "honor" of the thousands of innocent American civilians murdered nine years ago, on that fateful autumn day in 2001, überpatriots Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck will be a holding their own personal 9/11 event in Alaska to "honor" their own uncanny ability to dupe the dumb public into pouring moose piles of dirty money into their already fat, overstuffed, blood-soaked coffers. For freedom!

That's right! For just the bargain basement rate of 2,977 murdered souls, plus between $73.75 and $225 for entry, you too can watch Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin weep faux tears for the fallen and real tears (of joy!) for themselves in their their latest, greatest(!) get-rich-quick scheme to steal money from everyday, hardworking men & women, and honor the nation by dishonoring all those who tragically lost their lives in the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history. Hooray!

Because this 9/11 rally is very much for-profit! Oh, you betcha!

These two gutless swindlers are charging up to $225 for entry, with the most expensive tickets offering a "meet and greet." There will be a bar, too! You just have to get the "wet" section tickets.

Disclaimer: Beck will likely not be in the "wet" section lest he fall from Jesus-blessed grace and return to his bumbling, boozy ways of acting like an inebriated buffoon....He can do that all by himself, without the help of alcohol now, thank you very much!

And if that weren't reason enough, as of now, no charity has been named to receive the proceeds, which means every dripping red cent will go straight to our own twin towers of freedom and real American heroes of 9/11 Glenn Lee Beck and Sarah Louise Palin. Yay!

Alaska-area promoter Christopher Cox said the date of the event is a coincidence. Cox originally was eyeing Sept. 4, but did not want to compete with the Alaska State Fair, and moved the date to a week later, which worked out better for Beck as well.
"And you know what, it's a great date for me, for America, for Alaska," Cox said.

Oooooh, so it's just a coincidence that it's on 9/11?? Just like Glenny's coincidental KKK "Restoring Honor" rally for invalid obese people on the very location and day as Martin Luther King's almost-as-historic "I Have A Dream" Speech or say, that oddly coincidental Independence Day celebration that freakishly falls on July 4, of all dates!

And to think, I simply thought since the anniversary of the death of the 2,977 innocent men and women incinerated in a fiery blaze of metal, steel, and jet fuel is such a wonderful moment for America, those two li'l angels from heaven simply couldn't resist! Besides, can you really blame Sarah & Glenn (Glarah) for not wanting to compete with the State Fair, of Alaska?? I know I wouldn't. So, they'll just compete with the 9/11 victims instead. Dead people don't tend to cause too much trouble, anyway!

Which is good because I know at least two people who have some serious blood money to make! We're talking an absolute killing! Metaphorically speaking of course! After all, they wouldn't want to offend anyone or anything. Except maybe their sensibilities. Which isn't worth much anyway.

Grab your "wet" tickets, put on your finest Star Spangled jumpsuit and head due North to ol' Anchorage, Alaska to celebrate(?) 9/11 in Teabaggin' style...at the Glenn Beck/Sarah Palin "Accidental, Coincidental Circus Spectacular, The Greatest Show On Earf!"

***Act Now! Because the first 500 patriots get a 100% authentic Koran for the post-show special, "Sean Hannity Presents: Bonfire of the Vanities--The Devil Wears Burka, A Tribute To 9/11," holy book burning bonanza, at no extra cost!***

With all the smoke and insanity, it'll be like 9/11 all over again! Minus Rudy Giuliani.

Getcha popcorn ready...Freedom will never be the same again!

John McCain's So Maverick, He Doesn't Even Remember If He Is One!

Oh no-zees! Between the scorching desert heat and the toll that comes with selling your soul to the highest bidder (Cindy, Satan, what's the difference?) while trying to fend off a horseback riding hell-raiser by the initials J.D. Hayworth, John McCain can hardly remember anything these days, let alone his actual media-given name, John "Maverick" McCain, for literally giving definition to the word.

But if the John McCain of POW fame we've known for the last oh, two decades or so, isn't the real John McCain, then the real John McCain must just be some desperate, old coot who got lost in Washington some 30 years ago while running out to the nearest CVS to get a hot compress for his back, who keeps telling people he's a Senator from Arizona so no one will know the shameful truth that is his decaying, plaque-ravaged mind.

Many of the GOP's most faithful, the kind who vote in primaries despite 115-degree heat (and still manage to strap on extra ammo clips), tired long ago of McCain the Maverick, the man who had crossed the aisle to work with Democrats on issues like immigration reform, global warming, and restricting campaign contributions. "Maverick" is a mantle McCain no longer claims; in fact, he now denies he ever was one. "I never considered myself a maverick," he told me.

And you know what else?

Larry Craig is a strapping, young heterosexual, Michael Steele is a competent leader, John Boehner's tan is natural, Sarah Palin is capable of running more than just marathons (without quitting first), and Rudy Giuliani's entire existence will no longer be based on a single, fateful moment in September 2001, when two planes randomly crashed into two towers in one city which he just so happened to be in charge of at the time. The End.

"The fundamentals of my character were formed a long, long time ago under sometimes difficult circumstances," McCain said. "I'm not going to fundamentally change."

Yes, he will fundamentally still be a carbon-based sentient being, with a hair-trigger temper and an uncanny knack for saying mindblowingly stupid things at the absolute most inappropriate times.

Like assuring the "economy is fundamentally sound" on the exact same day the financial system suffered the same horrible downward trajectory as his career and sanity.

Awkward? Ha ha, only if you remember it, my friends!

Dana Perino's Just Thankful Facts And Sanity Don't Matter To Fox News

Dim-witted golden-haired starlet Dana Perino was apparently too busy dusting Ronnie Reagan figurines in the White House attic to remember a certain Tuesday in September, 2001 when some real meanie terrorists decided to crash two planes into the twin towers, killing some 3,000 people, sending the nation into panic, and forever altering the course of history.

Unlike the recent Fort Hood shooting which the Obama administration is clearly too pussy to label a terrorist attack, the perpetrators of 9/11 weren't al-Qaeda operatives or anything because everyone (and certainly the former White House spokesperson) knows there were NO TERRORIST ATTACKS ON AMERICA during George W. Bush's presidency. The man kept us as safe and snug as Junebugs in summer, she'll have you know!

And since the network behind Dana's mind-blowing revelation happens to be Fox News, it naturally doesn't matter if the statement is true, rational, or in Ms. Perino's case, the biggest load of bullsh*t ever told, so long as the lingering effect is lightly-veiled racism masked by ignorance.

Which helps explains why, upon hearing an actual George W. Bush White House spokesperson saying the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history never actually happened at all, or at least not under King Georgy's watch, neither Sean Hannity nor Fox's token head-shaking "expert" cause he sounds all smart and Britishy, bats an eye.

Welcome to the new Fox News reality, that magical happy place where some brainless testosterone ball with a thick neck and even thicker New Jersey accent passes as a respectable journalist and hot former press secretaries can sound more insane than the drunk homeless schizophrenic woman who lives in the ally across the street.

So kudos to Dana for retroactively preventing the non-terrorist attacks of 9/11 by reminding us who was not(?) president, responsible (or reading to children at the Emma E. Booker Elementary School) at the exact moment the first plane (and second...) hit the tower and also for having the guts to tell us simpletons what a terrible terrorist attack is--Obama and Fort Hood--and what it isn't--Bush and 9/11.

For all 13 and 3,000 reasons, respectively.

President John McCain will now present you with the Nobel Peace Prize he just won but can't accept because of integrity and also cause he's afraid of Liz Cheney.

Trying 9/11 Terrorists In NY? Eh. Rudy's Just Glad To See We're At "War" Again

Hahahahahaha, Republicans are funny! You just never know what they'll come up with next!

Which is what makes Attorney General Eric Holder's opening remarks to the Senate Judiciary Committee about the administration's decision to bring terror suspects, including 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to trial in New York so exciting! No one knows what crazy response some GOP senator or representative may cook up while daydreaming about all the fun and awesome ways something could go terribly awry (keep your fingers crossed!).

"I'm not scared of what Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has to say at trial," Holder said. "And no one else needs to be afraid either...I have every confidence that the nation and the world will see him for the coward that he is."

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy. Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm and our people are ready," Holder said. "It is past time to finally act by bringing prosecutions."

Holder also responded to criticism from nutballs like Liz Cheney who think, much like Obama's bow of respect, the decision shows a "pre-9/11" mentality, and that the government doesn't understand this is war time.

"I know we are at war," Holder said. "Those who suggest otherwise are simply wrong."

President Obama echoed this sentiment, saying the American people should have no concern about the capability of civilian courts to try suspected terrorists, despite what moronic lies the GOP bogeymen may say to freak everyone out (since that's their job!).

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists possess some special powers that prevent us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, I think that has been a fundamental mistake," Obama told CNN.

However, Eric Holder's tough words did make one Republican feel all warm and fuzzy inside. No, not his decision to try the 9/11 plotters in New York City like a normal country with a functional justice system, but his use of one special word. A word very dear to Rudy Giuliani's heart: war.

You see Rudy knows the most important thing in the war on terror is the catch-phrase we use to describe it.

So naturally it made him very relieved to see that the Attorney General Holder had the "fortitude" to use the two awesomest words in the English dictionary, "war" and "terror," in the same sentence.

"I was glad to see Holder say 'we're at war,'" Giuliani said on an RNC-sponsored call with reporters. "I had thought we had virtually stopped being at war with the terrorists."

Which would be terribly tragic but not surprising coming from some peace-loving hippie dippie community organizer (who bows!) like Obama.

But, Giuliani is hopeful the use of the word would hearken back to a return to the delightful Bush-era "War On Terror" which Giuliani said President Obama has abandoned, both in rhetoric and actions.

"I was under the impression that the Obama administration thought this was just an unfortunate situation we're dealing with."

"'War' is important," he said. Not to mention fun, exciting, and a great way to unwind after a rough day at the office!

But despite giving props to Holder for finally having the balls to say the precious W and T-words in a single sentence, Giuliani, like any good Republican lemming, reiterated his opposition to bringing terror trials to Manhattan, which he said would put a city already in constant danger of terror attack at greater risk, and incur "enormous expense" providing increased security around the high-profile legal proceedings.

New York "is already a primary target," he said. "There's no reason to add to the risk."

Hmmm, on second thought this just may be the big risk break Rudy's been looking for. Think of all the good the first 9/11 did for Rudes. Another 9/11, and he's got this thing in the bag!

Can you say Rudy 2012?

John Shadegg Knows We Should Never Surrender To Terrorists By Surrendering To Terrorists

Adorably unstable Arizona Rep. John Shadegg--whose awesome argument against health care reform was to drag infant baby "Maddie" onto the House floor to "explain" (in a deep man's voice) why she no likey Obama's doomsday health care plan to insure all Americans and offer free abortions for all the other babies not lucky enough to escape the liberal holocaust of the unborn--has set his sights on a new target: Mayor Michael Bloomberg for having the gall to claim New Yorkers aren't afraid of hosting terror trials.

Ha ha Mr. Tough Guy Billionaire Mike! Well, John over here wants to know just how tough Bloomie will be when it's his two daughters who are kidnapped walking down Madison Ave in broad daylight!

"I saw the Mayor of New York said today, 'We're tough. We can do it.' Well, Mayor, how are you going to feel when it's your daughter that's kidnapped at school by a terrorist? How are you going to feel when it's some clerk -- some innocent clerk of the court -- whose daughter or son is kidnapped? Or the jailer's little brother or little sister? This is political correctness run amok."

God damn right it is! Luckily there's someone as smart and sensible as John Shadegg to warn the American people what can happen, no make that, what will happen if we allow 9/11 suspects like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to be tried in a civilian court and afford him due process of the law instead of pouring water over him while he's blindfolded, naked and strapped to a table for an indefinite period of time in some secret island prison in Cuba.

If there's one thing that really pisses Al-Qaeda off more than infidel Americans acting like, well, infidel Americans, it's hosting trials of high-level terrorist suspects using standard court procedures instead of letting their fear and irrationality drive them to depart from their normal rules of justice to create naked pyramids and beat the hate out of them using their holy book, the Koran.

The last thing we want is for KSM and other 9/11 perpetrators to think we're "surrendering to terrorists" because we're too scared sh*tless of what they might do to us (not counting those two towers or anything) to hold them accountable for the deaths of thousands of Americans in a court of law on our own soil.

Which is why we're so fortunate to have courageous Republicans like John Shadegg to exploit the fears and insecurities of the public by insisting that "the safety and security of the American people" means that we must abandon our long-held belief in justice and the rule of law when dealing with terrorists.

Unlike those crazy Democrats and Independents like Mayor Bloomberg who have enough faith in the American justice system to think those responsible for killing Americans should actually be tried in America of all places!

When everyone knows if we ever capture Osama bin Laden, the smartest, most logical thing to do would be to send him to a place more capable of carrying out proper justice than the dumb U.S. of A.

You know, a country we trust...like Afghanistan.

Colorado State Sen. Dave Schultheis's Bark Isn't Bigger Than His Bite

Have no fear people, mind-blowing idiocy is alive and well in the state of Colorado! Thanks to the brilliance of yet another saber-toothed GOP state Senator Dave Schultheis, the latest in a long and storied tradition of Republican morons who just can't figure out how to use all this off-the-hook youth technology without acting like a total douchebag.

You see, Colorado state Sen. Dave Schultheis has a knack for saying really stupid things that don't accomplish anything except offend our better sensibilities. He does it all the time!

So it really comes as no surprise that this Colorado paradigm of ignorance and questionable dental advice would express his "anger at Obama's fiscal policies" by tweeting, "Don't for a second, think Obama wants what is best for U.S. He is flying the U.S. Plane right into the ground at full speed. Let's Roll."

I mean who wouldn't picture a hijacked plane nosediving into the ground and the words "Let's Roll" and not automatically think of Obama's desire to pass moderate bills to create jobs, stimulate the economy, and provide basic health insurance to 30-40 million Americans? That's like so obvious!

It's not like Schultheis meant to compare the President Obama to the 9/11 hijackers or use Todd Beamer's famed rallying cry aboard doomed United Flight 93 as a way to get people to link Obama to Mohammad Atta or anything crazy like that.

"'Let's roll.' It's a comment people use all the time any more. 'Let's get going. Let's move on. Let's make major changes,'" Schultheis told the Denver Post. "I can see it now. But, you're busy doing jillions of things during the day. You sometimes don't analyze every single word."

I mean who has time to use their brain to make obvious logical conclusions when they're doing jillions (yes, literally jillions!) of things. Certainly not Dave Schultheis! And certainly not when he is doing something as important for the future of this great country than using Twitter to sound like a complete jackass in 140 characters or less.

But we totally know Schultheis didn't mean anything by his innocent tweet; he's simply isn't known for his gentle way with words and this apparent misinterpretation is just another example of what happens when your blessed with the old big mouth, small brain combo like Doug Hoffman in New York and our friend Dave here in Colorado.

Let's not forget this is the same pillar of the legislative community who railed against Spanish-language public service announcements encouraging people to fasten their seatbelts and voted against a Colorado bill requiring pregnant women to undergo HIV testing to help reduce risks for the baby by offering this explanation:

What I'm hoping is that yes, that person may have AIDS, have it seriously as a baby and when they grow up, but the mother will begin to feel guilt as a result of that. The family will see the negative consequences of that promiscuity and it may make a number of people over the coming years...begin to realize that there are negative consequences and maybe they should adjust their behavior. We can't keep people from being raped. We can't keep people from shooting each other. We can't keep people from jumping off bridges. People drink and drive, and they crash and kill people. Poor behavior has its consequences.

Unfortunately not for marginal state senators whose head simply cannot support incisors the size of small rodents and a functioning, proper-sized brain at the same time.

Hey, don't blame us. You can't argue with science!

Bicuspid Brothers: Sens. Dave Schultheis and Doug Hoffman

Cheney To Obama: You Don't Know Dick About National Security

Cheerful cuddlebug Dick Cheney is always down to help clear things up and set the record straight especially when it comes to matters of national security. It's his bread and butter!

It's not easy being the lone voice of reason and truth, but hey, someone's got to do it.

Which is why we've come to depend on ol' Dick to help guide us through these most frightening times when America is being run by a real pussy, pardon his French, and anything can happen!

And that anything does include the Justice Department naming a prosecutor to look (he doesn't care if its just a glimpse) into the "enhanced interrogation techniques" so beloved by the Cheney Bush administration, including it's biggest cheerleader, Dick!

This latest outrageous move by the Obama administration to investigate possible violations by the CIA only proves what Dick's known all along: the administration cannot be entrusted with our nation's security.

Everyone knows the brave men and women who waterboarded suspects and forced them into naked pyramids saved America from certain doom! They should be treated as freedom-loving heroes who helped protect this nation during its darkest hours, not as rogue, power-abusing agents gone wild!

"The people involved deserve our gratitude," Cheney said. "They do not deserve to be the targets of political investigations or prosecutions."

How dare we question the "harsh interrogation techniques" used by our bravest secret agents considering these wholesome tactics that are in no way torture "provided the bulk of intelligence we gained about Al Qaeda" after the Sept. 11 attacks.

"The activities of the CIA in carrying out the policies of the Bush administration were directly responsible for defeating all efforts by Al Qaeda to launch further mass casualty attacks against the United States..."

See? Told you Dick knows what he's doing! Now just imagine where we'd be if Bush and Co., had gotten an even earlier start defending the freest, most awesomest country in the world?

But the important thing is that Cheney's precious, perfectly legal tactics of giving luxurious Evian baths to blindfolded, upside-down suspects (ha ha losers!) and forcing them into hilarious sexual positions involving inserting their holiest book the Koran into various holes, saved us from like a million more 9/11's. At least!

So....Go Cheney?

This Dick Has Got Some Balls

After TKOing John McCain in November, President and defending lightweight champion Barack Obama faced off against another white-haired, even more decrepit opponent on Thursday: Dark Lord of the Underworld Dick Cheney.

In the greatest national security showdown since Nancy Pelosi accused the CIA of acting all spy-like by deceiving the public about the non-torture techniques used to pry important information from tight-lipped suspected terrorists, President Obama went head-to-head with that wretched old man who won't go away to decide once and for all who knows how to keep America safer.

The actual leader of the free world, Barack Obama, believes the Bush administration's war on terror these last eight years has left the nation a tattered mess and provided nothing but a rallying cry for enemies. Call him old-school, but Barack just doesn't think naked pyramids and upside-down drowning games helped advance America's counter-terrorism efforts. In fact, Mr. Naive over here thinks that spitting on the Geneva Convention might have actually undermined them. What crazy hippie planet is he from?

Luckily, we have reliable old Dick to help show the nation and world why only pussies like Obama and the continent of Europe can't seem to get it through their thick skulls that 9/11 changed everything.

Like waterboarding becoming not only "lawful," but "skillful and entirely honorable." And Obama's national security strategy of not starting wars anywhere there is desert and oil as "recklessness cloaked in righteousness." Opposition to torture is also "unwise in the extreme," and any time you dare question the government's life-saving interrogation practices on unlawfully detained suspects in secret prison camps, it's as if you personally flew the planes into the Twin Towers yourself.

So ask yourself America, do you really want to become one big Mohamed Atta? Otherwise, Barry needs to go.

Dick Cheney's Sleepless Nights

Eternal optimist and beacon of hope for all humanity, Dick Cheney isn't one to focus only on the negative. But even a ray of sunshine like himself knows danger when he sees it, and that danger is named Barack Hussein Obama.

Unlike that current menace in the White House, Dick knows that Bush administration policies on detention and interrogation of suspected terrorists "were absolutely essential to preventing another 9/11-style attack."

But since Obama doesn't care about keeping Americans safe, he's decided to modify a number of the former administration's key war-on-terror tactics, including torture (waterboarding, testicle shocks, killer dogs etc), unlawful detention, secret wiretapping, and running a concentration camp called Guantanamo.

He might as well call bin Laden up himself and beg for another 9/11 attack.

"This is a war. It’s not a law-enforcement problem. When you go back to the law enforcement mode...closing Guantanamo and so forth...you give up the ability to successfully defend the nation against further attacks."

But, on the upside, you get to keep the economy, New Orleans, the Constitution, and your faith in America.