Scholar Sarah Palin Gives America's Lamestream Media A Wink & Very Important Lesson In Journalism

Never-ending nightmare, glorified nature guide and possible 2012 presidential candidate Sarah Palin went on the only fair and balanced network in all the lamestream media, Fox News, to tell its decidedly unbiased host Sean Hannity all the sensible reasons why she, Sarah Louise Palin, will not bother speaking to biased interviewers like Katie Couric or answer any of their biased, gotcha! questions like "what newspapers do you read?" because of all the bias 'n stuff.

After all, Sarah is a journalist.

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism. And I have a communications degree. I studied journalism, who, what, where, when, and why of reporting," Sarah said, trying her very hardest to remember the Five Ws she scribbled on the palm of her hand while a student at University of Hawaii at Hilo, Hawaii Pacific University, North Idaho College, Matanuska-Susitna College, University of Idaho, err, one of the five colleges she attended in six years.

"I will speak to reporters who still understand that cornerstone of our democracy, that expectation that the public has for truth to be reported.  And then we get to decide our own opinion based on the facts reported to us," Sarah added, channeling the very journalistic integrity that defined her pivotal Pulitzer prize-worthy months-long stint as a sports reporter for the Mat-Su Valley Frontiersman.

“So a journalist, a reporter who is so biased and will, no doubt, spin and gin up whatever it is that I have to say to create controversy, I swear to you, I will not my waste my time with her. Or him."

Hear that all you arugula eating librul mainstream media elites with your hoity-toity grammar rules ginnin' up whatever it is Sarah has to say to create controversy or even an actual coherent sentence in the English language because of some crazy notion that word order and syntax are not optional.

“As for doing an interview, though, with a reporter who already has such a bias against whatever it is that I would come out and say? Why waste my time? No."

Like say if for some reason she couldn't answer hard-hitting, almost impossible questions like, "What's your favorite moose recipe?" "Where's Waldo?" or "When it comes to establishing your world view, what newspapers and magazines did you regularly read?" and the interviewer kept pressing her because maybe they had a bias against stupid Alaskan flakes (not the snow kind) seriously attempting to be vice-president.

Well, no thank you, ma'am! Besides, the only thing she reads is her own unbiased Facebook page, so take that, Katie, you smug little smarty pants with your big words, functioning brain, and more than special needs command of the English language.

Not to mention, Katie Couric's not even on Fox, and everyone knows Jesus died for our sins so unqualified politicians plucked from the middle of nowhere could go on round-the-clock right wing propaganda machines instead of actual news programs that expect you to answer their simple, straightforward questions, not wink and grunt non sequiturs.

"I want to help clean up the state that is so sorry today of journalism."

Sarah, stupid? Haha! That's unpossible!

Dang media elites!

What she really meant to say was: "Me want fix to help news media the mess it is today since learn I good journalism."

Sarah Palin my name is, and this, I approve, message.

Dana Perino's Just Thankful Facts And Sanity Don't Matter To Fox News

Dim-witted golden-haired starlet Dana Perino was apparently too busy dusting Ronnie Reagan figurines in the White House attic to remember a certain Tuesday in September, 2001 when some real meanie terrorists decided to crash two planes into the twin towers, killing some 3,000 people, sending the nation into panic, and forever altering the course of history.

Unlike the recent Fort Hood shooting which the Obama administration is clearly too pussy to label a terrorist attack, the perpetrators of 9/11 weren't al-Qaeda operatives or anything because everyone (and certainly the former White House spokesperson) knows there were NO TERRORIST ATTACKS ON AMERICA during George W. Bush's presidency. The man kept us as safe and snug as Junebugs in summer, she'll have you know!

And since the network behind Dana's mind-blowing revelation happens to be Fox News, it naturally doesn't matter if the statement is true, rational, or in Ms. Perino's case, the biggest load of bullsh*t ever told, so long as the lingering effect is lightly-veiled racism masked by ignorance.

Which helps explains why, upon hearing an actual George W. Bush White House spokesperson saying the worst terrorist attack in U.S. history never actually happened at all, or at least not under King Georgy's watch, neither Sean Hannity nor Fox's token head-shaking "expert" cause he sounds all smart and Britishy, bats an eye.

Welcome to the new Fox News reality, that magical happy place where some brainless testosterone ball with a thick neck and even thicker New Jersey accent passes as a respectable journalist and hot former press secretaries can sound more insane than the drunk homeless schizophrenic woman who lives in the ally across the street.

So kudos to Dana for retroactively preventing the non-terrorist attacks of 9/11 by reminding us who was not(?) president, responsible (or reading to children at the Emma E. Booker Elementary School) at the exact moment the first plane (and second...) hit the tower and also for having the guts to tell us simpletons what a terrible terrorist attack is--Obama and Fort Hood--and what it isn't--Bush and 9/11.

For all 13 and 3,000 reasons, respectively.

President John McCain will now present you with the Nobel Peace Prize he just won but can't accept because of integrity and also cause he's afraid of Liz Cheney.

On The Sixth Day HE Created Sarah...And On The Seventh, She Went Rogue

Like a beautiful snowflake, Sarah Palin has drifted into our lives, a glistening hexagonal prism of symmetry and ice sent from the Lord to fill our world with wonder and wisdom.

Like Sarah, each precious star-shaped ice and crystal blend, having formed in the high clouds of the atmosphere before floating down as the frozen water molecule miracles of God we see today, is unique unto itself.

Also much like Sarah, these seemingly simple but always beautiful structures are created, quite literally, out of thin air.

Which totally explains things!

Like how this delightful Alaskan ice princess could be one missed beta-blocker away from being the leader of the free world and still not know the difference between those two pesky "I" countries in the Muslim East.

When asked by dear friend and Fox News host Sean Hannity what can be done to prevent Iran from getting nuclear weapons, Palin naturally responded by suggesting we get tough with Iraq.

"We have allies who are as concerned about Ahmadinejad's actions as we are. We need to be working closer with France, and with Britain, and start, not just considering, but seriously taking steps towards the sanctions that we hear all about but we never see any actions towards, though."

"Cutting off the imports into Iraq, of their refined petroleum products. They're reliant--40 to 45 percent of their energy supply is reliant on those imports. We have some control over there."

"And some of the beneficial international monetary deals that Iraq benefits from--we can start implementing some sanctions there and start really shaking things up, and telling Ahmadinejad, nobody is going to stand for this."

You go girl! Except for that one tiny little fact that in everyone else's reality, Iraq is different from Iran, and as it turns out, also not the country Ahmadinejad is president of. Oops, beginners' mistake!

Don't worry shimmer flake! We still love you.

If it wasn't for the radiant brilliance of your sweet crystalline self, how would we ever know such shining pearls of wisdom like this Going Rogue gem:

"If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?"

Exactly! I mean why else would God invent tasty sentient beings unless He wanted us to pump 10 rounds of high grade Remington bullets into them and toss 'em on the barbie??

C'mon, Be A Mancow: Waterboarding Isn't Torture!

Much like fellow right-wing toughguys Sean "Meathead" Hannity and Liz "Dick" Cheney, loudmouth Chicago radio host Erich "Mancow" Muller was so certain waterboarding was nothing more than a leisurely inner tube ride on a lazy river that he decided to give the fun aquatic process a go himself. That way he could finally prove to all those dumb liberals how not-torturous it is to lay blindfolded on an elevated table with your legs and feet bound while torrents of water are poured down your mouth and nose. Piece of cake, right?

"I wanted to prove it wasn't torture. They cut off our heads, we put water on their face...I got voted to do this but I really thought 'I'm going to laugh this off.' "

Turns out Mancow's rebuttal of this peaceful water-based intelligence gathering technique didn't go quite as he would have liked. After just 6 or 7 seconds, the brave shock jock thrashed on the table, and quickly threw the toy cow he was holding as his emergency tool to signify when he wanted the experiment to stop.

"It is way worse than I thought it would be, and that's no joke,"Mancow said, likening it to a time when he nearly drowned as a child. "It is such an odd feeling to have water poured down your nose with your head back...It was instantaneous...and I don't want to say this: absolutely torture."

What!?! Apparently Mr. Mancow Muller has never seen Kevin Costner's 1995 bomb Waterworld. Now that's torture!