John McCain's So Maverick, He Doesn't Even Remember If He Is One!

Oh no-zees! Between the scorching desert heat and the toll that comes with selling your soul to the highest bidder (Cindy, Satan, what's the difference?) while trying to fend off a horseback riding hell-raiser by the initials J.D. Hayworth, John McCain can hardly remember anything these days, let alone his actual media-given name, John "Maverick" McCain, for literally giving definition to the word.

But if the John McCain of POW fame we've known for the last oh, two decades or so, isn't the real John McCain, then the real John McCain must just be some desperate, old coot who got lost in Washington some 30 years ago while running out to the nearest CVS to get a hot compress for his back, who keeps telling people he's a Senator from Arizona so no one will know the shameful truth that is his decaying, plaque-ravaged mind.

Many of the GOP's most faithful, the kind who vote in primaries despite 115-degree heat (and still manage to strap on extra ammo clips), tired long ago of McCain the Maverick, the man who had crossed the aisle to work with Democrats on issues like immigration reform, global warming, and restricting campaign contributions. "Maverick" is a mantle McCain no longer claims; in fact, he now denies he ever was one. "I never considered myself a maverick," he told me.

And you know what else?

Larry Craig is a strapping, young heterosexual, Michael Steele is a competent leader, John Boehner's tan is natural, Sarah Palin is capable of running more than just marathons (without quitting first), and Rudy Giuliani's entire existence will no longer be based on a single, fateful moment in September 2001, when two planes randomly crashed into two towers in one city which he just so happened to be in charge of at the time. The End.

"The fundamentals of my character were formed a long, long time ago under sometimes difficult circumstances," McCain said. "I'm not going to fundamentally change."

Yes, he will fundamentally still be a carbon-based sentient being, with a hair-trigger temper and an uncanny knack for saying mindblowingly stupid things at the absolute most inappropriate times.

Like assuring the "economy is fundamentally sound" on the exact same day the financial system suffered the same horrible downward trajectory as his career and sanity.

Awkward? Ha ha, only if you remember it, my friends!

Trying 9/11 Terrorists In NY? Eh. Rudy's Just Glad To See We're At "War" Again

Hahahahahaha, Republicans are funny! You just never know what they'll come up with next!

Which is what makes Attorney General Eric Holder's opening remarks to the Senate Judiciary Committee about the administration's decision to bring terror suspects, including 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to trial in New York so exciting! No one knows what crazy response some GOP senator or representative may cook up while daydreaming about all the fun and awesome ways something could go terribly awry (keep your fingers crossed!).

"I'm not scared of what Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has to say at trial," Holder said. "And no one else needs to be afraid either...I have every confidence that the nation and the world will see him for the coward that he is."

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy. Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm and our people are ready," Holder said. "It is past time to finally act by bringing prosecutions."

Holder also responded to criticism from nutballs like Liz Cheney who think, much like Obama's bow of respect, the decision shows a "pre-9/11" mentality, and that the government doesn't understand this is war time.

"I know we are at war," Holder said. "Those who suggest otherwise are simply wrong."

President Obama echoed this sentiment, saying the American people should have no concern about the capability of civilian courts to try suspected terrorists, despite what moronic lies the GOP bogeymen may say to freak everyone out (since that's their job!).

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists possess some special powers that prevent us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, I think that has been a fundamental mistake," Obama told CNN.

However, Eric Holder's tough words did make one Republican feel all warm and fuzzy inside. No, not his decision to try the 9/11 plotters in New York City like a normal country with a functional justice system, but his use of one special word. A word very dear to Rudy Giuliani's heart: war.

You see Rudy knows the most important thing in the war on terror is the catch-phrase we use to describe it.

So naturally it made him very relieved to see that the Attorney General Holder had the "fortitude" to use the two awesomest words in the English dictionary, "war" and "terror," in the same sentence.

"I was glad to see Holder say 'we're at war,'" Giuliani said on an RNC-sponsored call with reporters. "I had thought we had virtually stopped being at war with the terrorists."

Which would be terribly tragic but not surprising coming from some peace-loving hippie dippie community organizer (who bows!) like Obama.

But, Giuliani is hopeful the use of the word would hearken back to a return to the delightful Bush-era "War On Terror" which Giuliani said President Obama has abandoned, both in rhetoric and actions.

"I was under the impression that the Obama administration thought this was just an unfortunate situation we're dealing with."

"'War' is important," he said. Not to mention fun, exciting, and a great way to unwind after a rough day at the office!

But despite giving props to Holder for finally having the balls to say the precious W and T-words in a single sentence, Giuliani, like any good Republican lemming, reiterated his opposition to bringing terror trials to Manhattan, which he said would put a city already in constant danger of terror attack at greater risk, and incur "enormous expense" providing increased security around the high-profile legal proceedings.

New York "is already a primary target," he said. "There's no reason to add to the risk."

Hmmm, on second thought this just may be the big risk break Rudy's been looking for. Think of all the good the first 9/11 did for Rudes. Another 9/11, and he's got this thing in the bag!

Can you say Rudy 2012?

Mr. "Community Organizer" Reverts To His Race-Baiting Self--Must Be Election Time!

I See Black People!

Rudy Giuliani doesn't much care for "community organizers" or any other secret code name disingenuous former New York City mayors like to use to describe scary black people when pandering to whites-preferred groups like the Republican Party.

Especially when trying to convince a group of frail old Superjews in Brooklyn to vote for Mayor Michael Bloomberg over that frightening, strange-colored man Democrat Bill Thompson.

"I worried daily [in his last days in office] that the city might be turned back to the way it was before 1993—and you know exactly what I'm talking about," Giuliani said. Wink wink.

"This community remembers the fears, the worries and the crimes—and the great fear of going out at night and walking the streets...This city could very easily be taken back in a very different direction — it could very easily be taken back to the way it was with the wrong political leadership."

In other words, elect a black mayor over his perfectly white opponent and it's back to the Shtetl for you, nice old Jewish people who are so easy to scare.

"This is a tired Republican campaign tactic — scare people into voting by threatening their personal safety,” Anne Fenton, spokeswoman for the Thompson campaign, said. "It didn’t work for Rudy Giuliani during his abysmal presidential bid, and it’s not going to work for Mike Bloomberg this year."

City Councilman Bill de Blasio was also appalled.

“Giuliani’s comments verge on race-baiting,” he said. “Bloomberg should disavow those comments and show that he doesn’t buy into that kind of rhetoric.”

What are you crazy? He's a billionaire with the last name Bloomberg. Asking him to not buy something is like asking Rudy Giuliani to actually believe in something.

Fuggedaboudit! Neither one's gonna happen.