Dan Fanelli Needs Your Help To Make Florida The Next Great, Colorless State No One Likes Anymore

Some right-wing dingbat by the name of Dan Fanelli dreamt up a brilliant plan to win the GOP nomination and unseat terrible, outspoken liberal "BUM" Rep. Alan Grayson in sunny Florida, land of citrus groves, gated retirement communities, and old people barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel, using nothing but people's unsavory tendencies to stereotype would-be terrorists out of their deep fear of getting blown to bits by said perpetrators of such heinous crimes.

This is usually a winning strategy!

A sure-fire way to reclaim power in many parts of the U.S.A, but particularly places where they still fly the Confederate flag or enact legislation telling all brown people to immediately exit the parched desert landscape of Gila monsters and John McCain which they call home, the lovely whites-only state of Aryanzona.

Well, Fanelli is hoping to translate this hysterical momentum into a Sunshine State victory, with his heroic, new ad endorsing racial profiling of dirty and mostly evil A-rabs for airplanes, or anywhere else they like to join thousands of other people when traveling from point A to point B.

Because everyone knows all terrorists look alike! And another thing Mr. Fanelli knows is that terrorists are not white, good-looking, ripped, bald, dressed in business suits, or even business casual slacks and breathable cotton button-downs from Brooks Brothers.

They are however, burly and brown-skinned, with five o'clock shadows and a crazed, jihadist look in their darting, barbaric, always dark-colored eyes.

Which is why Fanelli understands it's time to stop all this PC nonsense at once, before more innocent minorities stop being randomly harassed by the long, discriminating arm of the law:

"It's time to stop this political correctness and the invasion of our privacy. Let's face it, if the good looking rich guy without much hair was flying airplanes into the twin towers, I'd have no problem being pulled out of line at the airport."

That's assuming that you, Dan, indeed fall under the umbrella of "good-looking," which unfortunately may be another of your many wild, dangerous assumptions.

Because wasn't the last swarthy fellow who tried to blow up a major airliner on Christmas Day, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a black man? From Nigeria?

Surely, we must profile them too, no? I mean it's high time someone started profiling the black population of this country. They've gotten away scot-free for too long! Perhaps they should spend some time in the white man's shoes, see how it feels to be systematically discriminated against and harassed all because you happen to be a non-color.

Wait, and wasn't that shoe bomber Richard Reid, Jamaican and British, and Joe Stack, who flew a plane into the IRS building in Austin (for freedom and lower taxes), also white?

Granted, the last one might not count because he flew his own, private plane into an awful government-run IRS building, which was probably filled with lazy Muslims anyway, making it not an act of domestic terrorism, but an act of national security and unbridled heroism.

Bottom line is, Lt. Commander Dan Fanelli (that's right, Lieutenant Dan, 'cept with legs, sans beard), a former Navy and commercial airline pilot, is absolutely positive he can stamp out dirty, rotten terrorists all across this great nation, no make that the world, if the American people would just give him a chance.

A chance to prove that beneath all the crazy, racist rhetoric and asinine suggestions to start plucking out every brown-colored man, woman, and child (you can never be too careful with these things!) for random pat-downs or full cavity searches, there is a warm, caring patriotic white, male American who simply wants to make the country he loves safe from gross, horrible Muslims and/or otherwise tanned people who look like they too might be scary Muslim-y terrorists, hell-bent on destroying America!

It's not like Fanelli is saying that "all terrorists look alike" or "darker people are more likely to be terrorists" or anything wildly offensive and highly ineffective as that, just that people from countries like Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Syria, and other cesspools of Islam "require a higher level of security," and that "racial profiling is good."

The ad, of course, is just an example of using a "little humor to make a point."

And boy is it funny!

Especially the part when Fanelli refers to himself as the "ripped, good-looking, white guy." That part is hilarious!!

Same goes for that other part when Fanelli plays a mentally retarded white supremacist who just escaped from the insane asylum.

Naaaaaailed it!

OMG, A Terrorist!!

If There's Anything Joe Biden Knows, It's That They Don't Call Him Dick For Nothing

America's most famous Dick crawled out from his dank shelter 50ft beneath the Earth's surface, braving both air and sunlight, to grace the simple, unsuspecting carbon-based life forms above with dire warnings and apocalyptic visions about his favorite subjects: war and terror.

And also to celebrate his other crowning achievement while in office, the two-year anniversary of that glorious Feb 11 day when he "accidentally" shot his best friend Harry Whittington in the face during a quail hunting expedition. A best friend who should have known better than to let his dumb face get in the way of Dick Cheney's spraying bullets. The fool!

No, no, this time, the master of creepy, sneering subterranean creatures of the night didn't emerge from the rich soil just to toot his own quail and people hunting gangsta VP horn.

Not when this country is in the middle of a war. A war, which the current Obama administration seems to not have the faintest idea how to handle, but is trying to steal all the credit for anyway. No one, I said, NO ONE, takes credit from Dick when it comes to duping the public into invading oil-rich countries for shits and giggles. And certainly not any dithering, pussy commander-in-chief who actually takes time to think about what they're doing before squandering trillions of dollars and thousands of American lives to capture bin Laden, destroy al Qaeda, get oil oust a mustached menace named Saddam, spark a civil war, and turn Iraq into the new terrorist hot spot.

Which is why Dick had absolutely no choice but come above ground to go on national teevee to repeat his two most favoritest words in the whole wide world: "dead" and "wrong."

Blasting the Obama administration's "passive, pre-9/11 mindset" for putting the country at risk, big Dick Cheney took aim at current vice president Joe Biden's recent statement on Sunday's Meet the Press, that another attack on the scale of 9/11 is "unlikely."

You see, poor Joe Biden made the terrible mistake of saying that Cheney--who simply doesn't much care for softy Obama's refusal to torture and unlawfully detain suspects in secret Cuban prisons--is "trying to rewrite history" and is "either misinformed or is misinforming" about what policies have been most effective in combating terrorists.

"The worry is legitimate," Biden said. "The reason why I do not think it's likely because of all the resources we have put on this, considerably more than the last administration, to see that it will not happen."

You mean waging two-front wars and administering blindfold, upside down luxury drownings to anyone who even slightly seems Muslim-y doesn't make us safer??

Well one dick doesn't like all that pre-9/11 defeatist talk. That naiveté may be fine and dandy in peacetime, but this is war, people!

"I think, in fact, the situation with respect to Al Qaeda, to say, you know, that was big attack we had on 9/11 but it’s not likely again – I just think that's just dead wrong." Cheney said.

"I think the biggest strategic threat the United States faces today is the possibility of another 9/11 with a nuclear weapon or a biological agent of some kind. And I think Al Qaeda is out there – even as we meet – trying to figure out how to do that," Cheney added, crossing his fingers in the hopes that maybe, just maybe his doomsday vision comes to bloody fruition.

He also doesn't much appreciate NObama and Co. trying to steal his war thunder. Iraq is his war, you hear?? HIS WAR, damn it!!

Scoffing at Biden's absurd comments that Iraq may end up being one of the Obama administration’s greatest success, Cheney laughed, eh more like cackled, "I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by my friend Joe Biden." And by friend, he of course means qualifies as the next recipient of some nice buckshot to the face.

"I'm glad he now believes Iraq is a success," Cheney said. "For them to try and take credit for what has happened in Iraq strikes me as a little strange...So if they are going to take credit for [Iraq's success] – fair enough – for what they've done while they're there – but it ought to go with a healthy dose of 'thank you George Bush' up front. And a recognition that some of their early recommendations with respect to prosecuting that war were just dead wrong.”

"I believe very deeply in the proposition that what we did in Iraq was the right thing to do," Cheney said. "We got rid of one of the worst dictators of the 20th century."

Sure as hell we did! After that no WMD desert debacle, the only Bush we'd let anywhere near the White House is the one decorating the South Lawn.

But, yeah, that Saddam guy was kind of a dick too...

Not like Cheney dick, but hey, what did you expect, I mean the guy's only human after all.

Saddam, that is.

Obama Puts Peace Prize to Work With New Afghan War Plan--Exit Strategy Included!

While the American people spent endless nights tossing and turning, worried that President Obama's "dithering" on Afghanistan would not only invite a second 9/11 but the end of civilization as we know it, Obama and military advisers were working hard to craft a feasible strategy that goes beyond Bush's brilliant approach to war: "Bring 'em on!"

Speaking to an audience of West Point cadets, President Obama laid out his much-anticipated plan for Afghanistan, including a 30,000-troop surge and new strategy that incorporates civilian engagement, partnering with Pakistan, diplomacy, international cooperation, and much to the horror of Republicans, a timetable for withdrawal (gasp!).

After acknowledging that "Afghanistan has deteriorated," Obama said that he understood the human cost of war, and took seriously "asking even more of you." He emphasized the existential threat to America that the region poses, saying, "In the last few months alone we have apprehended extremists within our borders who were sent here from the border region of Afghanistan and Pakistan to commit new acts of terror."

The president also rebutted three arguments against his plan: First, to "those that suggest Afghanistan is another Vietnam," he argued that the current mission has international support and began due to an attack on American soil. Second, to those who would argue to maintain the status quo, he cited "slow deterioration" as the inevitable outcome. (Think of it like John McCain's presidential campaign).

Finally, to those who propose an even heavier troop increase—like war-loving definition of manhood Gen. Stanley McChrystal and the rest of those career military types who've dedicated their entire lives to blowing sh*t up on behalf of the mighty red, white, and blue—the president argues against any plan that would "commit us to a nation building project of up to a decade."

"As president, I refuse to set goals that go beyond our responsibilities, our means, or our interests."

Obama acknowledged that the decision to set an exit strategy was a controversial one (since apparently no one likes to end a war), but said that setting a time-line for troop withdrawal was the best way to motivate the Afghan government to step up.

"After 18 months of an increased U.S. military presence in their country, American troops will begin to leave Afghanistan starting in July 2011," nearly a decade after Bush invaded this rough and hostile terrain only to lose bin Laden and start a new, funner war with sweet oil bonuses and a chance to avenge his daddy's assassination attempt too!

Of course, the real surprise of this joyous "Night of Our New Afghanistan Policy" wasn't Obama's proposal for Afghanistan or the War on Terror in general, but Republicans' horrified reaction to setting an "artificial" deadline for withdrawing troops.

John McCain, for one, is terribly upset about all this "end of war" business.

"The way that you win wars is to break the enemy’s will, not to announce dates that you are leaving," McCain told reporters.

You see, Gramps McCain knows a thing or two about war, like getting captured by the enemy while fighting in it. And much like the entire Republican Party, he's also NEVER met a war he didn't like, or for that matter, a war worth ending. Ever.

Which is why America should be thrilled and excited to know that the leading Republican voice on the president’s strategy for Afghanistan and Pakistan still uses terminology like "win wars" to to describe the complex and delicate role of the United States in solving the Afghan riddle that's confounded every nation that's tried in the last 100 years or so.

Yes, McCain should be a very effective and skilled negotiator during the next, oh let's say, three-decades long war (keep your fingers crossed!) which he loves and totally understands.

But in the case that his age or dementia becomes a factor, fear not my friends, because there's another foreign policy expert/maverick ready to carry the torch.

That is, if she ever figures out how to light the darn thing.

Trying 9/11 Terrorists In NY? Eh. Rudy's Just Glad To See We're At "War" Again

Hahahahahaha, Republicans are funny! You just never know what they'll come up with next!

Which is what makes Attorney General Eric Holder's opening remarks to the Senate Judiciary Committee about the administration's decision to bring terror suspects, including 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to trial in New York so exciting! No one knows what crazy response some GOP senator or representative may cook up while daydreaming about all the fun and awesome ways something could go terribly awry (keep your fingers crossed!).

"I'm not scared of what Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has to say at trial," Holder said. "And no one else needs to be afraid either...I have every confidence that the nation and the world will see him for the coward that he is."

"We need not cower in the face of this enemy. Our institutions are strong, our infrastructure is sturdy, our resolve is firm and our people are ready," Holder said. "It is past time to finally act by bringing prosecutions."

Holder also responded to criticism from nutballs like Liz Cheney who think, much like Obama's bow of respect, the decision shows a "pre-9/11" mentality, and that the government doesn't understand this is war time.

"I know we are at war," Holder said. "Those who suggest otherwise are simply wrong."

President Obama echoed this sentiment, saying the American people should have no concern about the capability of civilian courts to try suspected terrorists, despite what moronic lies the GOP bogeymen may say to freak everyone out (since that's their job!).

"I think this notion that we have to be fearful that these terrorists possess some special powers that prevent us from presenting evidence against them, locking them up and exacting swift justice, I think that has been a fundamental mistake," Obama told CNN.

However, Eric Holder's tough words did make one Republican feel all warm and fuzzy inside. No, not his decision to try the 9/11 plotters in New York City like a normal country with a functional justice system, but his use of one special word. A word very dear to Rudy Giuliani's heart: war.

You see Rudy knows the most important thing in the war on terror is the catch-phrase we use to describe it.

So naturally it made him very relieved to see that the Attorney General Holder had the "fortitude" to use the two awesomest words in the English dictionary, "war" and "terror," in the same sentence.

"I was glad to see Holder say 'we're at war,'" Giuliani said on an RNC-sponsored call with reporters. "I had thought we had virtually stopped being at war with the terrorists."

Which would be terribly tragic but not surprising coming from some peace-loving hippie dippie community organizer (who bows!) like Obama.

But, Giuliani is hopeful the use of the word would hearken back to a return to the delightful Bush-era "War On Terror" which Giuliani said President Obama has abandoned, both in rhetoric and actions.

"I was under the impression that the Obama administration thought this was just an unfortunate situation we're dealing with."

"'War' is important," he said. Not to mention fun, exciting, and a great way to unwind after a rough day at the office!

But despite giving props to Holder for finally having the balls to say the precious W and T-words in a single sentence, Giuliani, like any good Republican lemming, reiterated his opposition to bringing terror trials to Manhattan, which he said would put a city already in constant danger of terror attack at greater risk, and incur "enormous expense" providing increased security around the high-profile legal proceedings.

New York "is already a primary target," he said. "There's no reason to add to the risk."

Hmmm, on second thought this just may be the big risk break Rudy's been looking for. Think of all the good the first 9/11 did for Rudes. Another 9/11, and he's got this thing in the bag!

Can you say Rudy 2012?

The Un-PC Truth About Major Hasan's Schizo Rampage At Fort Hood

Major Nidal Malik Hasan, At Your Service

I hate to say 20/20 hindsight, but turns out there may have been some warning signs that unraveling Army psychiatrist Major Nidal Malik Hasan was hanging by a thread long before deciding to turn his simmering rage and frustration into one of the worst rampages in U.S. military history.

So basically the U.S. military and at least one intelligence(?) agency had Major Hasan on their radar and were well aware that he was an increasingly erratic, ticking time-bomb who openly professed his desire to see this infidel star-and-striped whore burn in fiery hell of apocalyptic proportions for years before deciding to rampage through Fort Hood, massacring 13 people in a haze of bullets, blood, and chaos.

I guess you could also say Hasan was a tad upset about his pending deployment to Afghanistan considering he would rather burn in the fire of a thousand infidels than defend this blood-sucking pox on the Muslim brotherhood we call America and warned senior Army physicians in 2007 that the military would be wise to allow Muslim soldiers to be released as conscientious objectors if they wanted to avoid "adverse events." Hmmm, wonder what he meant by that?

Not wanting to jump to any rash conclusions, however, investigators are still trying to "determine if the attack was motivated by the suspect's Islamic religious beliefs, which appear to have hardened markedly during the years he spent in the Army, or by other factors, like his anger over a pending deployment to Afghanistan."

It's so hard to tell sometimes! Never mind Hasan's growing disconnect, repeated attempts to reach out to Al-Qaeda, vocal justification of suicide bombings, poor performance reviews, and constant spewing of anti-American hatred during classroom presentations praising Muslims because "We love death more then [sic] you love life!"

"There were definitely clear indications that Hasan's loyalties were not with America," Hasan's classmate at the Uniformed Services University of the Health Sciences in Bethesda, Maryland, Lt. Col. Val Finnell said.

"When you are in the military and you start making comments that are seditious, when you say you believe something other than your oath of office — someone needed to say why is this guy saying this stuff."

"He was a lightning rod. He made his views known and he was very vocal, he had extremely radical jihadist views," Finnell said. "When you're a military officer you take an oath to defend against all enemies foreign and domestic."

"They should've confronted him — our professors, officers — but they were too concerned about being politically correct."

Of course Fox News' Bill O' Reilly concedes the sad PC truth that since we "can't kill all the Muslims" (I know, I know--lame!) we'll have to settle for winning as many hearts and minds of good moderate Muslims as we can, which means avoiding the term "Muslim terrorist" at all costs.

Which really grinds Papa Bear's gears! Considering official U.S. anti-terrorism policy is still basically "run around the Middle East for 10-20 years and try to kill all the Muslims," President Obama's supposed avoidance of labeling the attack an "act of terror" is simply outrageous and downright un-American!

In fact, it seems suspiciously like something a secret Muslim terrorist President would do.

Baruch Obama Saves The Jews!

Remember that whole to do about how Obama is really a secret Muslim terrorist who would love nothing more than to gleefully watch Israel sink into the Mediterranean, along with the rest of the pesky Jews? Well, much like Sarah Palin's knowledge of anything other than how to field dress wild game and wayward ex-boyfriends, this too was proven false.

Turns out the State Department's been running a super-secret operation to get Jews the f**k out of Yemen and into a land where they won't coincidentally be the target of every increasingly violent incident rocking the country. So, basically that leaves the United States and Israel.

Of the 350 Jews living in Yemen before the operation began (apparently they have them), about 60 have already been resettled, and about 100 more are on their way. Those remaining will most likely stay in Yemen in a "government enclave" to protect them from rising anti-Semiticism in the form of crazed al-Qaeda terrorists running around, solidifying their stronghold on the country.

But the secret evacuation of anyone, let alone an entire community of (less than beloved) Jews living for centuries in near total isolation in the Arabian Peninsula, is no easy task. There's the usual growing pains like trying to board a flight with live chickens, understanding that running water and electricity are not omens from God but inventions from man, and other minor adjustments living links with the ancient world make when joining the rest of 21st century society.

To complicate matters, the U.S. State Department risked opening themselves up to criticism for helping a bunch of Jews no one knew existed escape a country no one's really heard of, at a time when refugees around the world are clamoring for a haven of their own.

I mean it's not like the U.S. likes Jews more than any other persecuted group seeking salvation it's just that they serve dual humanitarian and geopolitical purposes. Not only would America get to rescue a group threatened because of its religion (Brownie points!!), but also hopefully prevent an international embarrassment for its embattled Arab ally.

Despite his efforts, Yemeni President Ali Abdullah Saleh was having a difficult time protecting himself, let alone a bunch of weird stone-age Jews with curly hair. The alternative--risking broader attacks on the Jews--could well have undermined the Obama administration's efforts to rally support for President Saleh at home and abroad, and prevent Yemen from becoming the the next 'stan we feel compelled to invade.

The Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society's network has been helping arrange housing and disburse food stamps, cash and other refugee benefits to the Yemeni arrivals. However, many of the adults aren't yet capable of budgeting, following a schedule or sitting still in a structured classroom to learn English.

Well, well looks like someone's fitting into America just perfectly!

Dick Cheney Breaks Out His Olde English Dictionary To Bring Down NObama

Every so often, dark, powerful forces emerge from the dank Earth below to complete their obligation to the natural world. Sometimes it comes in the form of cicadas whose short but vital existence of procreation, death, and nourishment of the Earth is essential to sustaining the natural rhythm of life. Other times it comes in the form of Dick Cheney whose sneering decrepit being emerges from the shadows to unleash his wrath upon unsuspecting mortals. This time his fury is directed at a whippersnapper named Barry for not causing enough death and destruction anywhere, but certainly not in Afghanistan.

"Having announced his Afghanistan strategy last March, President Obama now seems afraid to make a decision, and unable to provide his commander on the ground with the troops he needs to complete his mission...It's time for President Obama to make good on his promise. The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger."

Since we don't have an angry-old-man-to-English translator, we can only assume dithering is some senior citizen insult that went extinct some time during the Mesozoic Era.

"Make no mistake, signals of indecision out of Washington hurt our allies and embolden our adversaries. Waffling while our troops on the ground face an emboldened enemy endangers them and hurts our cause."

"Now they seem to be pulling back and blaming others for their failure to implement the strategy they embraced. It’s time for President Obama to do what it takes to win a war he has repeatedly and rightly called a war of necessity."

Ha ha too bad NObama is too big a pussy to send thousands of American soldiers to die in the rugged mountains of Tora Bora without thinking long and hard about it. You'll have to excuse Dick for not realizing America had a girly-girl in the White House instead of a strong man like Cheney or his two daughters(?) Liz and Mary.

I mean with all his helpful advice, you would think Dick had like 8 or so years to do something about that fun little war in Afghanistan, like actually winning (or making progress of any kind) instead of abandoning it to find all the oil WMDs in Iraq.

"You would think that our successors would be going to the intelligence community saying, 'How did you do it? What were the keys to preventing another attack over that period of time?'"

"Instead, they’ve chosen a different path entirely – giving in to the angry left, slandering people who did a hard job well, and demagoguing an issue more serious than any other they’ll face in these four years. No one knows just where that path will lead, but I can promise you this: There will always be plenty of us willing to stand up for the policies and the people that have kept this country safe."

Or at least when we're not wheelchair bound after undergoing yet another life saving operation to unclog our arteries and scrape away the fatty deposits blocking our blood flow.

But either way, there will always be some patriot like Dick to torture suspects, massacre civilians, squander international respect, botch military operations and use old man words to yell at likable presidents for not following the sound advice of the previous administration whose idea of peace is the deafening silence of carnage and death after being leveled by a heat-seeking missile courtesy of the mighty red, white, and blue.

USA! USA! USA! The bestest, strongest, most awesomest country in the whole damn world. No, make that the universe.

Liz Cheney: Obama Is Radical, The Sky Is Green, And The Earth Is Flat

Dick Cheney's blonde estrogen-filled version of himself, hell daughter Liz has a few suggestions for that terrible man Barry and that farce of a Nobel Prize he won. Ha ha, I mean what the hell does "peace" mean anyway?

Liz is appalled that President Barack Obama would have the audacity to even consider attending the Nobel ceremony in Oslo to accept his award instead of basically telling the committee to go screw themselves and their stupid peace prize too. Which would be the reasonable thing to do, of course.

"The notion that this White House says he will go to Oslo to accept this prize just adds to the farce," Cheney told Fox News. "But I do think he could send a real signal here. I think what he ought to do frankly is send a mother of a fallen American soldier to accept the prize on behalf of the U.S. military and frankly to send the message to remind the Nobel committee that each one of them sleeps soundly at night because the U.S. military is the greatest peacekeeping force in the world today."

Frankly, Liz, you're an idiot.

But that didn't stop this feisty li'l lady from launching her own new group, Keep America Safe, to rally opposition to the "radical" foreign policy of the Obama administration which has done nothing except undermine the nation's security.

"The policies being proposed by the Obama administration are so radical across the board,” Cheney said. “Whether you’re a Republican or a Democrat, you want the nation to be strong and so many steps this president is taking are making the nation weaker."

Absolutely! Who's gonna take us seriously if we stop illegally detaining suspected terrorists for unlimited periods of time, outlaw torture (luxurious upside-down blindfolded ice-cold bottled water baths included), and stop pissing off every one in the world for no good reason?

"The policies of the Bush administration since Sept. 11 are those policies that kept us safe – there’s no turning away from that legacy at all...It’s clear that there’s a real grassroots fear and concern out there. Everywhere I go people are saying to me, ‘Where can I go to learn more,’” Cheney said. “People realize what a dangerous world we live in."

Ummm, yeah, now that we have TWO crazy Cheneys running around.

Glenn Beck Knows Only Osama Bin Laden Can Save America From Barry Obama

Don't be frightened America. Fox News' golden-haired patriot Glenn Beck and Teddy Ruxpin's evil twin, former CIA agent Michael Scheuer know what needs to be done to save the mighty Red, White, and Blue from certain doom thanks to Comrade Barry and the rest of the Democratic pussies currently in charge of ruining the country.

Osama bin Laden must "deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States" if this country ever hopes to return to its pre-Obama glory days when the U.S. of A was number one and everyone else could basically just go suck it. Because if there's anything Glenn Beck and his special friend Michael Scheuer understand, it is that uppity politicians like Obama only care about staying in office, praise from the media, and what the god-forsaken Europeans think about them.

Which is why America's only hope is a catastrophic attack courtesy of Osama that will "force Americans to demand that their government protect them effectively, consistently, and with as much violence as necessary."

Come to think of it, why not just shock and awe this immigrant-ridden wasteland ourselves and save Mr. bin Laden the effort? Communicating from caves can be soooooo annoying these days!

This Dick Has Got Some Balls

After TKOing John McCain in November, President and defending lightweight champion Barack Obama faced off against another white-haired, even more decrepit opponent on Thursday: Dark Lord of the Underworld Dick Cheney.

In the greatest national security showdown since Nancy Pelosi accused the CIA of acting all spy-like by deceiving the public about the non-torture techniques used to pry important information from tight-lipped suspected terrorists, President Obama went head-to-head with that wretched old man who won't go away to decide once and for all who knows how to keep America safer.

The actual leader of the free world, Barack Obama, believes the Bush administration's war on terror these last eight years has left the nation a tattered mess and provided nothing but a rallying cry for enemies. Call him old-school, but Barack just doesn't think naked pyramids and upside-down drowning games helped advance America's counter-terrorism efforts. In fact, Mr. Naive over here thinks that spitting on the Geneva Convention might have actually undermined them. What crazy hippie planet is he from?

Luckily, we have reliable old Dick to help show the nation and world why only pussies like Obama and the continent of Europe can't seem to get it through their thick skulls that 9/11 changed everything.

Like waterboarding becoming not only "lawful," but "skillful and entirely honorable." And Obama's national security strategy of not starting wars anywhere there is desert and oil as "recklessness cloaked in righteousness." Opposition to torture is also "unwise in the extreme," and any time you dare question the government's life-saving interrogation practices on unlawfully detained suspects in secret prison camps, it's as if you personally flew the planes into the Twin Towers yourself.

So ask yourself America, do you really want to become one big Mohamed Atta? Otherwise, Barry needs to go.

Dick Cheney's Sleepless Nights

Eternal optimist and beacon of hope for all humanity, Dick Cheney isn't one to focus only on the negative. But even a ray of sunshine like himself knows danger when he sees it, and that danger is named Barack Hussein Obama.

Unlike that current menace in the White House, Dick knows that Bush administration policies on detention and interrogation of suspected terrorists "were absolutely essential to preventing another 9/11-style attack."

But since Obama doesn't care about keeping Americans safe, he's decided to modify a number of the former administration's key war-on-terror tactics, including torture (waterboarding, testicle shocks, killer dogs etc), unlawful detention, secret wiretapping, and running a concentration camp called Guantanamo.

He might as well call bin Laden up himself and beg for another 9/11 attack.

"This is a war. It’s not a law-enforcement problem. When you go back to the law enforcement mode...closing Guantanamo and so forth...you give up the ability to successfully defend the nation against further attacks."

But, on the upside, you get to keep the economy, New Orleans, the Constitution, and your faith in America.