Gen. Stanley McChrystal Turns On The Real Enemies: The Lame, Non-War Loving Wimps In The White House

Oh no-zees! Did you hear the wild, earth-shattering news broken by that liberal elitist rag for hippie-dippie stoners and druggie rockstars, Rolling Stone?

No, no not what Lady Gaga wasn't wearing under her latest hideous ensemble that fashion experts are calling some sort of "dress."

The one about that psychotic commanding officer of all U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Gen. Stanley McChrystal whose obnoxious, petty, schoolgirl statements to Rolling Stone may just have cost his skinny, traitorous ass his job overseeing our entire "Kill Muslims" operation in the parched desert mountains of Tora Bora. Crazy, I know!

I mean who knew Rolling Stone still existed as an actual published magazine, read by real carbon-based, oxygen breathing human subscribers!?!

Well, turns out one of their intrepid reporters was taken off his very important Kei$ha beat to go to bumblef**k Afghanistan to get the scoop on all those He-Man GI Joe military macho types running around huntin' for Taliban and Osama bin Laden while spending their spare time bashing the recently elected DEMONcratic Obama administration, and all the arugula-eating liberal pussies prancing around the Oval Office in their silk robes and bunny slippers who comprise it.

Especially that no-good, terrible, weak Commander-in-Chief, Barack Hussein NObama who was “uncomfortable and intimidated” during a meeting with a bunch of generals.

"It was a 10-minute photo op,” said an adviser to McChrystal. “Obama clearly didn’t know anything about him, who he was. Here’s the guy who’s going to run his fucking war, but he didn’t seem very engaged. The Boss was pretty disappointed."

Wait, Bruce Springsteen was at the White House??

Oh, you mean their Boss man, the "Runaway General" Stan McChrystal Meth, I get it now!

Ha ha, what kind of loser nerd doesn't feel completely relaxed and totally at ease around a bunch of hot headed, career fatigues sportin' AK-47s strapped across their chests, whose professional goals include trying to kill as many dark skinned, turban-wearing people as is (in)humanly possible.

Probably a big gay wad that's who! Not as "fucking gay" as say the prospect of General Stanley "100% Pure All-Beef " McChrystal having to meet with some pansy French government officer or what not, but still!

But that's not all the meany comments McChrystal's posse of strapping, red-faced warmongers had to say about top White House officials, who don't even have the balls to go around murdering people for a living!

Like National Security Advisor James Jones who McChrystal's gang lovingly referred to as a "clown stuck in 1985" or the administration’s Afghan-Pakistan envoy, Richard Holbrooke, who one McChrystal thug aide is quoted as saying: "The Boss says he's like a wounded animal. Holbrooke keeps hearing rumors that he's going to get fired, so that makes him dangerous."

Oooh, sounds sexy!

They even make fun of Holbrooke's boring, dumb emails who no one, least of all McChrystal, ever wants to open, let alone read! It makes him feel dizzy and then his eyes start to get blurry and it looks like he's crying. And he NEVER, EVER cries under ANY circumstance, you got that? That's for girls and gays, only!

And just wait til you get a load of the hilarious stuff they said about legendary comedian and current Vice President Joe Biden, who we were under the mistaken impression is positively adored by every human being living on this planet. Not so, my friends, not so!

Asked about his feelings on the war strategy emphasized by a military NOBODY like ol' Joe, which focuses on the border region of Afghanistan and Pakistan with fewer troops and more drone attacks, Gen. McChrystal scoffed at such pussy talk, struggling to come up with a solid one-liner that would really make him look cool in front of his subordinates.

"Are you asking about Vice President Biden," Gen. McChystal reportedly jokes. "Who's that?"
And then one of his equally funny aides says, “Biden? Did you say ‘Bite me?’”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG, GET IT?? Because it like almost rhymes, and also proves they don't much care for smarty bookworm types who think of war in terms of strategy and action plans instead of blowing sh*t up and shooting Muslim motherf**kers every darn, stinkin' chance they get.

But the real question now becomes, what the hell is Barry gonna do with America's favoritest, unstable "Runaway General" who talks smack about his superiors in the White House, such as the actual President of the United States, when talking on the record to reporters at national pop culture magazines?

Of course, one would think this might be the exact time to act like an actual, reasonable adult not a childish buffoon, especially with all the scary death and destruction that usually accompanies working in a nightmarish war zone hellhole.

Well not Mr. Crazy-Ass McChrystal, whose daily grind of sleeping four hours a night, running seven miles every morning, and eating just one measly meal a day makes him less of an actual human being and more of a terrifying robot war machine. Dare I even say, a predator drone?

So, anyway Barry is lucky enough to get to go mano-y-mano with this camouflaged nutjob and explain very calmly why he is being publicly skewered and privately fired for acting like a smug third grader with severe ADHD, and a disturbing history of torturing small animals, and probably babies too.

From Rolling Stone's Runaway General:

"The dinner comes with the position, sir," explained his chief of staff, Col. Charlie Flynn.
McChrystal turns sharply in his chair.
"Hey, Charlie," he asks, "does this come with the position?"
McChrystal gives him the middle finger.

A real charmer, that Stan! How can you not love this guy?

Hopefully, President Obama will decide to send McChrystal somewhere desolate and deserted, where they welcome dangerous rogues who defy their superiors, and live for the delicious smell of scorched flesh, smart bombs, and freshly spilled blood in the morning.

Wasilla?? Or perhaps somewhere nice 'n warm like Arizona or Guantanamo, if it makes him feel more comfortable and at home?

Errr, at least as comfortable as possible for a cold-blooded assassin whose only friend is a shiny metal tube and handle that goes "BOOM!" when you pull that cute li'l button sharing the same adorable name as $arah Palin's youngest and special neediest miracle of God, Trigger!

"Besides, the public eye has never been a place where McChrystal felt comfortable: Before President Obama put him in charge of the war in Afghanistan, he spent five years running the Pentagon’s most secretive black ops."

OMG, this guy sounds like a complete and utter lunatic! Quick, someone alert Michael Steele, I think we've found the perfect Grand Old Psychopath to lead the Grand Old Party back from the brink of extinction to a place they know and love so well: the brink of war.

But thanks to dovey NObama, there probably won't even be such a thing as war anymore.

Then what will poor McChrystal do for the rest of his twilight years? Join the Peace Corps and take up crocheting?

Ugh, and to think some people actually think war is hell! Ha, more like hella awesome!!

Surprise! Famed Congressional Punching Bag Tony Hayward Saved By Even Bigger Oil Whore Joe Barton's Apology Heard 'Round The World

Corporate troll and Grand Old Pariah, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, the ranking member of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, went out on a limb to prove he is in fact, the Grade-A douchebag everyone suspected by, wait for it...apologizing to poor BP for the terrible inconvenience America has caused the oil company for little more than covering its entire Southern coast with delicious British Petroleum and death. Like big whoop, right?

While the rest of Congress was naturally unleashing their furious wrath on the gross incompetence of BP CEO Tony Hayward, who will soon have his life back now that BP’s chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg will take over his job caring for the "small people," Rep. Joe Barton was of course begging for forgiveness from Hayward over President NObama's shameful decision to force his beautiful oil conglomerate to create a $20 billion escrow fund to pay out damages to victims of the oil spill, likely not including those currently washing up on coastal shores covered in thick toxic goo.

"I'm speaking totally for myself and I’m not speaking for the Republican Party and I’m not speaking for anybody in the House of Representatives but myself, but I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it’s a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown. In this case, a $20 billion shakedown with the Attorney General of the United States who is legitimately conducting a criminal investigation and has every right to do so to protect the interests of the American people participating in what amounts to a $20 billion slush fund that’s unprecedented in our nation’s history that’s got no legal standing and what I think sets a terrible precedent for the future."

A terrible, no-good precedent allowing a corporation as pure and beautiful as British Petroleum to be treated in such an unseemly manner by a U.S. president, an illegal, black U.S. president, no less!

That ain't how Texas rolls y'all!

But even the big business-lovin' Republicans who usually enjoy nothing more than bathing in luxurious crude oil and similar BP-provided contaminants, think their fellow Grand Oil Puppet may have gone a step too far.

Like Florida Rep. Jeff Miller, whose very city of Pensacola will soon be completely covered in greasy BP greed, negligence, and death all because Hayward and Co., decided a devastating oil rig explosion was more desirable than spending even one red cent to prevent such maritime disasters from happening in the first place.

That would make too much sen$e!

"I am shocked by Congressman Joe Barton's reprehensible comments that the government should apologize for the ‘shakedown’ of BP," Miller said. "BP has caused the greatest ecological and environmental disaster our nation has ever seen. They are the responsible party and they should pay for losses and damages, not the taxpayer. I am optimistic and hopeful that BP acted in good faith by opening the $20 million escrow account, as several of us have requested."

"Mr. Barton’s remarks are out of touch with this tragedy and I feel his comments call into question his judgment and ability to serve in a leadership on the Energy and Commerce Committee. He should step down as Ranking Member of the Committee."

Whoa, whoa, easy there, Congressman! Not his fancy shmancy committee seat!! Anything but that!! C'mon you can understand, can't you? After all, you do sit on the "same committee that sets out Republican policy and used the exact same language in opposing the administration's effort to hold BP accountable to families and small businesses of the Gulf by making BP fund a $20 billion accountability trust," don't you?

Oh, details! Never mind those. The point is that even the vile, heartless Grand Old relics in Congress realize that unfortunately, in this rare case, the lesser of the two evils happens to be our terrible, socialist president, and as such, siding with big, bad BP is not only kind of insane, PR-wise, but legally untenable, and will probably backfire and bite them all in the behinds come November. In other words, totally not worth it!

"I have said since the beginning that BP ought to be held responsible for every dime of this tragedy," John Boehner said, growing increasingly orange with every breath. "And they ought to be held accountable to stop the leak and get it cleaned up as soon as possible.”

Just like I ought to take Joe Barton, bind him to Tony Hayward using Michael Steele's trusty ropes 'n chains and drown 'em both in a vat of scalding black oil!

“What is shameful is that Joe Barton seems to have more concern for big corporations that caused this disaster than the fishermen, small-business owners and communities whose lives have been devastated by the destruction," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said.

"Congressman Barton may think that a fund to compensate these Americans is a ‘tragedy,’ but most Americans know that the real tragedy is what the men and women of the Gulf Coast are going through right now.”

And just think of what poor Tony Hayward is going through now that his lovely summer vacation has been cut short, along with the lives of every aquatic organism used to breathing through non-oil saturated gills. Bummer!

Good thing hard-hitting Democratic Reps. Bart Stupak of Michigan and Henry Waxman of California, whose staff uncovered the bulk of what’s now known about the sh*t-show known as the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, also gave it to Hayward, who is now seen as the second-worst oil whore thanks to Rep. Joe Barton's rapid ascent to the top.

“BP cut corner after corner to save a million dollars here and a few hours or days there,” Waxman said. “And now the whole Gulf Coast is paying the price.”

But, on the bright side, at least BP isn't stuck with the bill. Which should make a certain deep-oil fried Texan happier than a pig in grease, aka our coastal waters!

Blasting Hayward for his petulant, smug comment about wanting his rich, high flying, consequence-be damned, oil executive life back, Stupak said he is “more concerned than ever” with the corporate culture at BP.

“I’m sure you’ll get your life back, with a golden parachute back to England,” Stupak said.

Then maybe he can finally apologize to the Nazis on behalf of Joe Barton for inconveniencing them during World War II. He's felt terrible about it for like ages now!

Of course, when he finally got a chance to testify, and prove to the world that he really is the British version of Dick Cheney, Tony Hayward insisted his company has made strides in instituting safe operations (wink, wink!) and brushed aside claims that the Deepwater Horizon explosion occurred because of unsafe drilling procedures.

Hayward said that he thinks “it’s too early to reach conclusions” about what caused the disaster.

Though he does have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the boogie man.

“We have focused like a laser on safe and reliable operations, that is a fact,” Hayward said.

A death star laser, mwhahahahaha!

Much like the Wall Street heroes before him, and the SS officers before them, Hayward pulled the ol' "It wasn't me" and "I was just following orders" defense when facing the sharp questions from the Democratic and Republican anger bears in Congress.

Hayward said he “wasn’t involved in any of that decision making” in relation to the drilling of now-exploded well, and noted that BP drills “hundreds of wells a year all around the world.”

I mean who know all the millions of animals we've killed, and miles of open resource-filled ocean we've laid to waste by now? Who do you think we are scientists or global CEO's who actually know what we're talking about or better yet, actually give a shit? Ha ha, try that soft micro nerd with the glasses and the PC, ya wacky Americans!

Meanwhile, that other Joe who always gets into big f**king trouble for saying big stupid f**king things, Vice President Joe Biden finally got to yell at someone else for saying something outrageous and boneheaded.

"This is an entire way of life that's in jeopardy," Biden said. He said he's surprised that Barton would say he's "ashamed" because the White House is being "tough on an oil company who caused the problem." Biden added, "There's no shakedown, it's insisting on responsible conduct, [a] responsible response to something they caused."

Exactly! What's the problem!? That's the very definition of a shakedown according to the Grand Oil Party's handy pocket dictionary and A-Z guide on how to ruin a coastline, bankrupt a country, destroy an ecosystem, and kill all the goodness in the world in eight quick years or less!

In a rare joint statement, the three blind mice House GOP leaders John Boehner, Eric Cantor and Mike Pence condemned Rep. Barton's statements as wrong, and said, "The oil spill in the Gulf is this nation's largest natural disaster and stopping the leak and cleaning up the region is our top priority."

Right after we plug that other disastrous black hole in the White House, leaking common sense and intelligence all over the once-pure BP-subsidiary known as the United States of Exxon-Mobil.

Valdez sounded a little too Mexicany for their liking, don't ya think?

Fun Facts: Special Literal Edition!

Ooooh, everybody loves fun facts! Literally. Everybody.

Did you know?

• Beautiful blue-eyed bombshell Michele Bachmann is literally Nostradamus (with ovaries!) because she correctly predicted that Barack Obama is literally Hitler or at the very least, any one of the other notoriously evil monsters of humanity over the last oh, two centuries or so.

• And also Obama is literally a King or Emperor or any other type of ruler, preferably despotic, because he regulates bank and helps poor people not die—the two all-time favoritest pastimes of all tyrants of humanity since the dawn of civilization when Adam and Eve were tricked by the evil serpent, likely one of Obama's forefathers, to taste the forbidden apple and kicked out of Eden. Forever.
  

• President Obama literally wants to be Sarah Palin because he too sports a sexy black leather jacket when goin' rogue on secret missions to Afghanistan to yell at corrupt leaders of fledgling countries and wow the crowds with his charming smile, some well-placed winks, and mastery of the English language. All without even looking at the palm of his hand! Ugh, show off!
  

• Anyone who predicted Joe Biden would at some point in the very near future say or do something outrageously stupid to embarrass himself, the president, or anyone with the ability to blush in shameful humiliation, is literally a genius. So, congratulations, Einsteins, you have unearthed the very purpose Joe Biden's whole existence! Awww, don't be modest, it's a big f*cking deal!

• Big pimpin', phat 'n fresh RNC Chairman Michael Steele is bringing sexy back to the GOP--and not just in the form of one-armed midgets and Stephen Baldwin! Word is the Steele man is trying to get the hip hop Party of Youth back to its old school Republican roots by droppin' scrilla (dollar dollar bills y'all!) at hoity toity S&M sex clubs featuring bondage and women slaves in dog collars doing lesbiany things to each other. Family values are literally HOTTTTTTT!!! Freedom's the sh*t, for reals, yo!
  

If There's Anything Joe Biden Knows, It's That They Don't Call Him Dick For Nothing

America's most famous Dick crawled out from his dank shelter 50ft beneath the Earth's surface, braving both air and sunlight, to grace the simple, unsuspecting carbon-based life forms above with dire warnings and apocalyptic visions about his favorite subjects: war and terror.

And also to celebrate his other crowning achievement while in office, the two-year anniversary of that glorious Feb 11 day when he "accidentally" shot his best friend Harry Whittington in the face during a quail hunting expedition. A best friend who should have known better than to let his dumb face get in the way of Dick Cheney's spraying bullets. The fool!

No, no, this time, the master of creepy, sneering subterranean creatures of the night didn't emerge from the rich soil just to toot his own quail and people hunting gangsta VP horn.

Not when this country is in the middle of a war. A war, which the current Obama administration seems to not have the faintest idea how to handle, but is trying to steal all the credit for anyway. No one, I said, NO ONE, takes credit from Dick when it comes to duping the public into invading oil-rich countries for shits and giggles. And certainly not any dithering, pussy commander-in-chief who actually takes time to think about what they're doing before squandering trillions of dollars and thousands of American lives to capture bin Laden, destroy al Qaeda, get oil oust a mustached menace named Saddam, spark a civil war, and turn Iraq into the new terrorist hot spot.

Which is why Dick had absolutely no choice but come above ground to go on national teevee to repeat his two most favoritest words in the whole wide world: "dead" and "wrong."

Blasting the Obama administration's "passive, pre-9/11 mindset" for putting the country at risk, big Dick Cheney took aim at current vice president Joe Biden's recent statement on Sunday's Meet the Press, that another attack on the scale of 9/11 is "unlikely."

You see, poor Joe Biden made the terrible mistake of saying that Cheney--who simply doesn't much care for softy Obama's refusal to torture and unlawfully detain suspects in secret Cuban prisons--is "trying to rewrite history" and is "either misinformed or is misinforming" about what policies have been most effective in combating terrorists.

"The worry is legitimate," Biden said. "The reason why I do not think it's likely because of all the resources we have put on this, considerably more than the last administration, to see that it will not happen."

You mean waging two-front wars and administering blindfold, upside down luxury drownings to anyone who even slightly seems Muslim-y doesn't make us safer??

Well one dick doesn't like all that pre-9/11 defeatist talk. That naiveté may be fine and dandy in peacetime, but this is war, people!

"I think, in fact, the situation with respect to Al Qaeda, to say, you know, that was big attack we had on 9/11 but it’s not likely again – I just think that's just dead wrong." Cheney said.

"I think the biggest strategic threat the United States faces today is the possibility of another 9/11 with a nuclear weapon or a biological agent of some kind. And I think Al Qaeda is out there – even as we meet – trying to figure out how to do that," Cheney added, crossing his fingers in the hopes that maybe, just maybe his doomsday vision comes to bloody fruition.

He also doesn't much appreciate NObama and Co. trying to steal his war thunder. Iraq is his war, you hear?? HIS WAR, damn it!!

Scoffing at Biden's absurd comments that Iraq may end up being one of the Obama administration’s greatest success, Cheney laughed, eh more like cackled, "I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by my friend Joe Biden." And by friend, he of course means qualifies as the next recipient of some nice buckshot to the face.

"I'm glad he now believes Iraq is a success," Cheney said. "For them to try and take credit for what has happened in Iraq strikes me as a little strange...So if they are going to take credit for [Iraq's success] – fair enough – for what they've done while they're there – but it ought to go with a healthy dose of 'thank you George Bush' up front. And a recognition that some of their early recommendations with respect to prosecuting that war were just dead wrong.”

"I believe very deeply in the proposition that what we did in Iraq was the right thing to do," Cheney said. "We got rid of one of the worst dictators of the 20th century."

Sure as hell we did! After that no WMD desert debacle, the only Bush we'd let anywhere near the White House is the one decorating the South Lawn.

But, yeah, that Saddam guy was kind of a dick too...

Not like Cheney dick, but hey, what did you expect, I mean the guy's only human after all.

Saddam, that is.

Game Change: The E! True Hollywood Story of the Election That Rocked the World

"This shit would be really interesting if we weren't in the middle of it."
—Barack Obama, September 2008

Ooooh, this is juicy!

The hottest book since Sarah Palin's magnum opus Going Rogue delighted an entire nation, Game Change from veteran reporters John Heilemann and Mark Halperin, has once again electrified the public. Err, that is, if you consider lonely bloggers and lame policy wonks members of the "public."

But then again, who doesn't enjoy seeing seemingly normal, respectable people act like one of the demented idiots from a bad episode of Jersey Shore?

For all those who simply haven't had enough of last year's elections (get a life?), Game Change offers readers an insider's look into what really went down during 2008's historic presidential campaign, with all the fun-filled, shameful moments you've come to expect from your elected officials.

As an extra bonus to you, the lovely readers, included in this rare, behind-the-scenes gem is primo dirt on all the fan favorites from last year's campaign, such as Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton and everyone's favorite philanderin' spouse Bill, the somewhat less popular sexual miscreant, fallen southern gentleman John Edwards, his lovely "wife" Elizabeth, plus all the bizarre John McCain/Sarah Palin freakshow drama you can stomach. And then some!

But let's start at the top, with the main man himself, the star of last year's show, President Barack Obama. Certainly the savvy reporters behind Game Change must have found something weird, true and freaky related to our beloved Barry.

Turns out they did. His name is Joe Biden.

Yep, much like the man's uncanny ability to put his foot in his mouth, Joe Biden's relationship with Obama wasn't exactly rainbows and sunshine. Rather, the relationship was what insiders would describe as a less-is-more approach. As in, the less Barry had to do with the man, the better for everyone.

According to the book, the tensions began in September of 2008 when word got back to Obama’s campaign headquarters that Biden boasted to reporters on his campaign plane that he was more qualified than his running mate to be president.

"A chill set in between Chicago and the Biden plane," Halperin and Heilemann write. "Joe and Obama barely spoke by phone, rarely campaigned together.”

Aides not only kept Biden off internal conference calls but refused to even tell him they existed. Instead, a separate campaign call was regularly scheduled between the then-Delaware senator and two of Obama’s top campaign aides – "so that they could keep a tight rein on him."

Not helping matters was the fact that Obama's VP selection seemed to develop an acute case of Tourette's Syndrome every time the cameras rolled, in that whatever words came out of his mouth did not always match whatever thoughts were going through the ol' brain of his.

After weeks of one gaffe-filled statement after another, Obama finally had enough of his straight talkin' pal after his now infamous prediction that an Obama victory would all but guarantee an international crisis of apocalyptic proportions.

Fed up with the trainwreck that was his running mate Joe Biden, Obama finally lost his trademark cool (well after the rest of us less self-controlled hotheads would) and went off on his advisers during a conference call.

"How many times is Biden gonna say something stupid?" he demanded angrily before taking a few deep breaths, some drags on a ciggy and once again composing himself with the sweet reassurance that no matter what sh*t may be going down with his running mate, it couldn't be any worse than the black plague McCain unleashed upon the world.

Ah yes, even Joe Biden's big mouth was no match for Sarah Palin's small, possibly unstable brain.

Too bad John McCain was too busy holding townhall meetings with his friends that he didn't have time for other things like vetting his potential running mate past the how do they look in a pantsuit stage?

Before she was tapped as the vice presidential nominee, McCain’s campaign team devoted only five days to vetting Palin and her seventy-four-part questionnaire. But Palin herself only spent a few hours filling it out – an act which had "consumed weeks for other short-listers." Ultimately, a forty-two-page vetting report of Palin was strung together by McCain’s team in a matter of 40 hours.

Definitely a well thought-out idea. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?

Frustrated over the campaign following her disastrous interview with Katie Couric (if you can even call it that), Sarah Palin said she regretted accepting the Republican vice presidential nomination. "If I’d known everything I know now, I would not have done this," she said.

No, this does not include whether Africa is a country or the name of a single newspaper, magazine, or periodical (not related to hunting & fishing) in the country.

McCain’s high command, already worried about her lack of eating and drinking and fearing that she was suffering from post-partum depression, convened a conference call and discussed whether she was mentally unstable. WHETHER?

Hmmm, wonder what they decided? Let's see, is the pope Catholic and the sky blue?

Of course, Sarah Palin dismissed Game Change as lies and half-truths (from the liberal media elites), with her loyal spokeswoman Meg Stapleton telling anyone who wants the whole truth to read the real, ghostwritten version of reality known as Going Rogue.

"The Governor's descriptions of these events are found in her book, 'Going Rogue,'” said Stapleton. “Her descriptions are accurate. She was there. These reporters were not.”

They don't live in Sarah's head. Only Sarah does. And sometimes God. But He doesn't usually stay very long. Gets cold easily.

Democrats Yay, Republicans Nay On Merry Christmas Eve Day!

In the wee hours of morning, the Senate, err rather, the socialist Democratic Senate passed on a 60-39 party line vote a sweeping health care bill that will tighten insurance regulations, provide coverage for 31 million more Americans and cost $871 billion over the next decade.

"This is for my friend Ted Kennedy, aye," said Sen. Robert Byrd, who much to the dismay of Sen. Tom Coburn and heartbroken teabaggers countrywide, was able to stave off joining his old pal just long enough to roll his ol' bones down to the chamber to cast his vote with the rest of the meanie Dems who want to help insure Americans out of some weird, inexplicable desire to help people.

Then just for laughs and also delirium from lack of sleep, Master Harry Reid mistakenly voted no before changing his vote to yes, which caused quite a hoot in the chamber, especially from Senate Republican Leader Mitch McConnell.

Until it vanished without a trace, leaving only the tattered remnants of a frumpy sad sack minority leader with a history of bad judgment and a penchant for screwing the American people.

After the awkward vote, Reid joked, "I spent a very restless night last night trying to figure out how I could show some bipartisanship and I think I was able to accomplish that for a few minutes."

Yeah, cause now we all believe you don't want to shoot yourself in the face over that little faux pas. Thanks, totally not awkward now.

In case anyone cares or knows who the hell he is other than a washed-up MLB pitcher turned washed-up Kentucky Senator, Jim Bunning was absent for the vote. Not like he was voting for that unchristian piece of sh*t anyhow.

So with Vice President Joe Biden presiding over the session (presumably to make sure he was the only one f**king things up...ahem, Harry) to prove for the fourth time in as many days, that the Democrats could muster the necessary majority and stop being the kind of blubbering pansies that Dick Cheney gets off on.

Channeling Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid opened the floor saying, "The work goes on. The cause endures… and yet here we are, minutes away from doing what others have tried but none have achieved."

Republican leader Mitch McConnell responded, "This fight isn't over. My colleagues and I will work to stop this bill from becoming law. That's the clear will of the American people — and we're going to continue to fight on their behalf."

Umm, yeah about that...You've all been working so hard, why don't you boys go and take yourself a break. You've earned it! Get some rest. Spend some time with Grandma and the kids. Shoot some quails. Roast some chestnuts. Sip some eggnog. Tend the fire. Sing some good holiday cheer and thank the Lord Jesus for making you a real freedom-loving American unlike the sorry SOBs and miserable wretches who keep electing you to office.

Hahahaha all those pathetic povs, just one honey glazed ham bone away from death and/or bankruptcy.

But either way, Merry Christmas and God Bless America!

The Cheers! That Changed The World

Remember the good old days when the only qualification for being president was how many people wanted to grab a beer with you? This flawless construct that twice gave us President George W. Bush may no longer be the gold standard but that doesn't mean beer has to be exiled to shameful obscurity, too!

Which is why Barry is bringing barley back. That's right. The president of the world is hosting a racial summit/happy hour to smooth over a little incident involving a non-racist white policeman arresting a black Harvard professor in his home, making him very angry, which in turn caused the president to get angry and say something about stupid cops acting "stupidly." Which didn't go over so well with the stupid cop in question.

So basically Obama got himself in the middle of this mess and now finds himself hosting an afternoon kegger on the White House lawn. Being President sucks!

But what Obama can't understand is why everyone is so "fascinated about this evening" when it's just "three folks having a drink at the end of the day and giving themselves a chance to listen to each other."

The goal of Thursday's brew crew isn't to amuse the media with their clever, albeit inaccurately named "Beer Summit" but to reduce the "anger and hyperbole" and promote "self-reflection" on an event that has become "so hyped and so symbolic."

An event that should never have happened since the election of Barack Hussein Obama as president was supposed to mean the end of racism forever. So much for promises!

But the real surprise was the appearance of resident ice-breaker Vice President Joe Biden, who enjoyed a cold one along with the President, Cambridge police Sgt. Jim Crowley and Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., who of course already had the pleasure of making acquaintances when the former arrested the latter on the charge of being a black man living in a nice house in an upscale neighborhood.

“Even before we sat down for the beer, I learned that the two gentlemen spent some time together listening to one another, which is a testament to them,” Obama said. “I have always believed that what brings us together is stronger than what pulls us apart. I am confident that has happened here tonight, and I am hopeful that all of us are able to draw this positive lesson from this episode.”

Like how getting arrested isn't always a bad thing. If you play your cards right, it may even come with a White House tour and beer party on the Rose Garden lawn, complete with frosty mugs, all-you-can-eat silver bowls of pretzels and peanuts, and the one-of-a-kind comic stylings of Fightin' Joe Biden.

“I think many people would have hardly imagined something like this happening this time last week,” Gibbs said. "I think that kind of dialogue is what has to happen at every level of our society if we’re going to make progress on issues that we've been dealing with for quite some time.”

“I don't think the president has outsized expectations that one cold beer at one table here is going to change massively the course of human history by any sense of the imagination.”

Don't sell yourself short people! This changes everything. Now, not only is it possible to have a black man as president of America, it's also possible to get arrested before getting wasted. And to think, I always thought beer drinking was supposed to precede the disorderly conduct charges. Silly me!

Joe Biden Promises Gays Equal Rights...One Of These Days

The good thing about being president is you can always send your vice-president to do the annoying sh*t you don't want to do yourself.

Like dealing with those angry gays and lesbians. And boy are they pissed at old Barry! They think he doesn't care about them now that he's the president of the world and all. So what better way to cool off heated temps than by sending soft-spoken man of the people Joe Biden to smooth things over with the slighted rainbows?

You see fightin' Joe Biden understands the anger the GLBT community is feeling towards Obama, and to be perfectly frank, he doesn't blame them for their frustrations. I mean Barry is kinda acting like a dick, but fear not because Joe is on your side. He'll "put some pace on the ball" in terms of actually trying to get you queers the rights and protections everyone keeps promising you until they actually get elected. Maybe then you'll finally stop bitching for once.

"I am not unaware of the controversy swirling around this dinner and swirling around the speed or lack thereof that we are moving on issues that are of great importance to you...I don't blame you for your impatience. But I hope you don't doubt the president's commitment."

I mean look on the bright side people, Obama did appoint 60 of your fellow pink brethren, including nine that require Senate confirmation. So, despite the administration's lack of progress on the Defense of Marriage Act, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and virtually every other gay issue, rest assured that the administration is committed to "the unfinished business of true equality."

Joe will be the first to tell you that gay and lesbian concerns will not be "delayed, put off or not end up on Obama's plate" because he is dealing with so many other issues.

"I promise you with your help we'll get there in this administration," even going as far as to say that if the country achieves real equality, "I will have marked my term as vice president as being truly worthwhile."

But on the off chance he does fail, just remember it's all the gays' fault. Oh and lesbians too.

You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry...

Okay, so we now know ever-smooth President Barack Obama does have human emotions. Push him hard enough and you may just find yourself on the back end of one of these bad boys: Barack Obama's signature STFU (Shut The F**k Up!) Face.

It's the closest Mr. Cool ever gets to losing it. And with loose-lipped Joe "Shoot-From-The-Hip" Biden as vice-president, you can bet we'll be seeing quite a few more flashes of Obama's seething rage. In all its tight-lipped, slightly ticked off fury.

Grrrr....

Dangerous? Not This Dick

Still Vice-President Dick Cheney continued to convince the public he is in fact the Antichrist, and most likely, not even human.

In an interview with Fox News (who else?), Dick Cheney was his usual happy-go-lucky self, defending his destructive war on terror, aggressive consolidation of executive power, and unprecedented gutting of the constitution with hearty laughs and a contagious smile.

In between breathing fire and praising other beloved Bush administration officials like Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Dick found time to hit back at vice-president elect Joe "No Bull" Biden for calling him, "The most dangerous vice president we've had probably in American history."

"He also said that all the powers and responsibilities of the executive branch are laid out in Article I of the Constitution. Well, they're not. Article I of the Constitution is the one on the legislative branch...So I think I'd write that off as campaign rhetoric. I don't take it seriously."

Aww, snap!

What Mr. Cheney does take seriously however is the security of this freedom-loving nation. Including the ability of the U.S. President to launch a devastating attack in case of emergency.

"He doesn't have to check with anybody. He doesn't have to call the Congress. He doesn't have to check with the courts. He has that authority because of the nature of the world we live in."

Or at least the world people live in. Dick, on the other hand, lives in an underground lair where crops are fertilized using the remains of pesky Democrats, anti-war hippies, and other liberal undesirables.

But then again vice-president elect Joe Biden has a history of saying "dangerous" things.

A Face Only A Mother Could Love