Who Would Jesus Shoot? Other Than Bobby Jindal & The Entire Grand Obstructionist Party!

Exercise The (Oil) Demons, Bobby!

Yeeeeehaaaaww America! The moment you've been waiting, hoping, and praying for your entire life has finally arrived, and just in the nick of time! In case somethin' disastrous happens, like say, demonic blobs of British Petroleum ooze up from the shores and burst through your quiet, neighborhood church in Louisiana, threatening to devour every terrified congregant. Every last God-fearing one of 'em!

Not if fearless leader and howdy doody look-alike, Piyush "Bobby" Jindal has anything to say about it!

Thanks to the governor's sage wisdom and savvy leadership skills (especially in times of crisis!), residents in Louisiana may still be unable to swim along the coastlines or catch nary a shrimp or oyster to feed their starving families, but they will be able to carry concealed weapons into houses of worship just in case any evil, oil glob monsters slink their way from the shores of the Gulf to Sunday mass at St. Mary's Church.

That's right y'all! With one swift stroke of the pen, Governor Bobby Jindal's signed into law a new bill that some residents (those with brains) up in arms:

State Rep. Henry Burns’ bill would authorize persons who qualified to carry concealed weapons having passed the training and background checks to bring them to churches, mosques, synagogues or other houses of worship as part of a security force.

The pastor or head of the religious institution must announce verbally or in weekly newsletters or bulletins that there will be individuals armed on the property as members of he security force. Those chosen have to undergo eight hours of tactical training each year...

The bill also allows a house of worship to hire off-duty police or security guards to protect congregants.

Wooohooo!! Glad to see Jindal continuing to make wonderful executive decisions, and prove he's got his Grand Old Priorities straight, in these trying times when luxurious oil is creepin' baby creepin' all around Louisiana's once-pristine, water-based coast. On the bright side, most Southern dishes can now be made by headin' straight down to the Gulf, and flash-frying your ingredient(s) of choice right there on the beach. It's perfect for fried chicken, butterfly shrimp, even your favorite Cajun stir fry!

Now, you may remember ol' Bayou Bob as the adorable baby-faced token minority and rising Republican star whose refusal to accept big, bad government money for his desperately poor, disaster-ravaged state made him a fleeting darling of the right and anyone else who values ridiculous, self-serving (political) grandstanding and nonsensical, ineffectual ideas as the preferred method of handling a crisis.

Well Bobby doesn't miss a beat, because he knows the only thing standing between his precious Louisiana voters and giant, amorphous blobs of crude oil, fish bones, and bird feathers who prey on the pious, is strapping semi-automatics on every old, churchgoing patriot in the Parish. Unlike stupid federal funds, cleanup workers, or scientifically sound solutions to stopping the oil spill, Bobby relies on his own two-sen$e and unshakable belief that the good Lord would never let anything bad to happen to beautiful, Christian Louisiana!

This is very important, people! An absolute, undeniable, irrefutable fact, despite what those pesky Hurricane Katrina truthers may try to tell you!

"We don't have time for meetings, we don't have time for red tape," Jindal said. "Get in the game to win."

We don't even have time for smart ideas that actually work, only hysterical nonsense that make terrible policy but great soundbytes, because isn't that what is really important here?

Duh! As Herm Edwards knows, "You play to win the game!" And everyone knows the coastal devastation and complete destruction of an entire ecosystem is nothing more than an awesome, fun, relaxing game of poolside pinochle.

Which helps explain why bumbling Bobby J has been huffin' and helicopterin' all over the state, publicly bashing the Administration while secretly begging Barry for big, bad government money, all while coming up with his own awesome plans like packin' heat in pews, and untenable "rock jetty proposals" which the entire scientific community dismiss as ludicrous, dangerous, and potentially more problematic than the renegade oil itself. Oooh, even better!

"No is not a plan," the governor reiterated at a press conference.

It's our entire way of life!

Which helps explain why Jindal's approach to millions of gallons of crude (foreign, gasp!) oil lapping at the shores of Louisiana makes about as much sense as his approach to every other challenge in his path, like say encouraging citizens to come to Sunday services strapped with a Glock 22 beneath their (endangered) animal hide belt as a very reasonable, effective way to fight crime. Hooray!

Sort of like how Bobby's been shriekin' and hollerin' against evil Socialist government aid for his entire dweeby existence, slashing state oil spill funds by 50%, crafting oil spill contingency plan's featuring "pages of blank charts," worst-case scenario plans labeled "to be developed," and sealing the state's oil spill response records...for Freedom! That is until it's his broke-ass, backwards, Commie-hatin' state that needs help, and he's reduced to a sniveling hypocrite begging and crying for some of Uncle Sam's scrilla.

Sure, Jindal may have accepted accepting only 1,053 out of 6,000 available National Guards, but he's been doin' tons of helicopter rides and screaming, which is just as good as actual trained troops, no?

Besides, if all else fails, Bobby can always round up heat-packing parishioners from across the Bayou State, bring 'em down to the oil-drenched coasts, and have 'em shoot the bejesus right out of their now-flaming and bullet ridden waters.

Show that darn oil what happens when scary foreign substances try to wash up on Louisiana's shores. And unlike Arizona, they shoot first, ask questions later!

While it may be true that if you need a gun at church, you may be in the wrong place of worship, but certainly in the perfect place for a li'l beachfront firefight to make sure whatever wasn't already decimated by toxic ooze is rewarded with a warm welcome of lovely Louisiana lead instead.

And with the highest rate of gunfire death in the country (double the national rate!), you better believe these faithful, Jeebus-lovin', Bible-thumpin', heat-packin' Bayou boys 'n gals know how to aim, baby aim, even if BP doesn't.

Praise the Lord, pass the ammunition & let us say Amen.

Foot, Meet Mouth: Six Reasons Why The GOP Doesn't Need Deep Sea Oil Rigs To Spew Toxic Goo From Gaping Holes

If you thought BP was the only one spillin' baby spillin' toxic oily goo uncontrollably out of big, leaking holes, think again my friends!

Never underestimate the Grand Oil Puppets' uncanny ability to take a national disaster of epic proportions, and use the tragedy for their own personal and political gain by saying something even more flammable, noxious, and vomit-inducing than millions of gallons of luxurious crude oil pouring into America's once thriving coastal shores.

Ladies and germs, I present you with the top six slick GOP oil spill slip-ups, not involving dead marine mammals and/or feathered carcasses washin' up along America's now deadly beaches, but rather thick gunk oozing from the deep wells between their noses and chins.

Drum roll, please!

1. Rand Paul
Rand Paul has gone AWOL from the lamestream media, likely because every time he opens his big fat trap to anyone with a mic, he ends up saying something awful about how (even though he's not racist or anything, and loooooves the Civil Rights Act of 1964), the big bad govern'ent should keep their grubby paws out of the private sector and stop forcing nice, American businesses to not be terrible and racist. Like, if Woolworth's wants to force black people to eat at separate lunch counters and/or put up a big, ol’ Whites Only sign on their front door, who is the dumb, stupid evil government to tell 'em otherwise?

Same goes for that terrible NObama pesterin' the good folks over at BP who want nothing more than to be left to their own noble oil-dumpin', marine-destroyin' devices!

"What I don't like from the president's administration is this sort of, 'I'll put my boot heel on the throat of BP,'" Paul said in an interview with ABC's Good Morning America. "I think that sounds really un-American in his criticism of business."

Why, America hasn't been this unpatriotic since rudely throwing off the nice British yoke back in 1776, around the time "Doctor" Rand Paul's beliefs were actually still fashionable. Umm, can you say Rand Paul for President of America? Errr, better make that of pure, white America...you can go ahead and keep dem coloreds to yourself, we're sure ol' Rand won't mind one Libertarian bit.

2. Michele Bachmann
Everyone's favorite unstable Minnesota hellwoman Michele Bachmann knows a thing or two 'bout takin' a terrible tragedy and turnin' it into a golden wingnut opportunity to blast that no-good half-black Kenyan Devil in the White House for taking a completely irresponsible "hands off" approach to the oil crisis on "DAY ONE" when they should have been all over that sh*t, like umm, well, British Petroleum on American beaches.

Ol' Minnesota blue eyes simply does not understand why the government was "nowhere to be found" after the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded (pssst, Michele you have to actually open your eyes, not rely on the power of Jesus to see) since in reality, Obama and Co., arrived within hours of the disaster. But no one knows better than Bachmann what a drag truth and facts can be, not to mention, they are inherently un-American and against the Constitution in her head.

Which is why she would like to know just why on God's (once-green) Earth the government hadn't put on their Socialist Scuba gear and "commandeered" privately-owned boats to "deal with that oil plume as it was coming up to the water."

Oh, Michy why don't you be a dear, throw on the ol' flippers and wetsuit, and dive on down to Deepwater to plug that darned hole with your own perfectly capable, freshly manicured, Christ-guided hands. Don't worry, your makeup is water resistant (and animal-tested!) plus there's no gross slimy fish, or living creatures of any sort to bother you on your way down to the dark abyss below.

Just think of it as a practice run for your next eternal plunge to the dank netherworld far beneath the surface of the Earth. Don't forget to say hi to your hero and favoritest freedom fighter while you're there. No, not Jesus of Nazareth, silly! Your other savior, Hitler of Bavaria!
 
3. Sarah Palin
When not tweetbookin' bout drillin' baby drillin', America's beloved former half-term Governor of tundras and moose is busy blamin' baby blamin' the usual suspects like extreme greenies and other hippie-dippie environmental enemies of Mother Earth for spillin, baby spillin' up 'n down America's shores.

Maybe for her next great, Pulitzer-worthy piece of American literature, $arah Palin can write all about how she single-handedly plugged the darn hole usin' nothin' but her magical diamond-encrusted, cotton-tipped, Jesus-blessed hockey stick and a hearty dose of that good, ol' fashioned can-do 'merican spirit.

Miss Bachmann better get goin' lest some other brainless beauty from the snowy north beat her to the bottom and steal her heroic, oil-pluggin' thunder! They don't call her the Barracuda for nuthin'! Wink, wink!

4. Haley Barbour
Fat, dumb Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour isn't one to dwell on silly, insignificant little mistakes of the past, like enslaving an entire race to keep cotton costs low. It was simply savvy business maneuvers and everyone (or at least 3/5ths) knows what is good for business is good for America, slavery included! No thanks to those no-good Northern Aggressors always tryin' to tell decent Southern folk how to build up their economy, without even chaining human beings to the bottom of boats and giving them the unique, one-of-a-kind opportunity to be sold at bargain basement prices to the highest bidder. A real steal!

Same goes for silly li'l nothing oil spills, which Barbour knows is nothing like Exxon-Valdez (ugh, sounds Mexicany), but more like delicious caramel mousse, harmless toothpaste, and the pretty fuel sheen surrounding speed boats.

"We don't wash our face in it, but it doesn't stop us from jumping off the boat to ski," Barbour said.

Of course, the biggest threat to Mississippi's coast has been the arugula eating elitist mainstream media's coverage of the spill, givin' people the wrong  impression that "the coast from Florida to Texas is ankle-deep in oil, which is of course very, very bad for our tourist season," the most importantist thing in the world!

"It may be hard for the viewer to understand but the worst thing for us has been how our tourist season has been hurt by the misperception of what is going on down here. The Mississippi Gulf Coast is beautiful. As I tell people, the coast is clear, come on down!"

"Come on down here and play golf, enjoy the beach, catch a fish and pay a little sales tax while you're here," he said.

Just don't forget your hazmat suits, goo-gone, protective goggles, and industrial size bucket to put all the delicious oil-infused fish you catch scoop up from the beach.

But remember those babies sure do burn, so use caution when tossin' the day's catch on the barbie, or you may have your very own Deepwater explosion right in your own backyard. For America, wooohooo!

5. John Boehner
House Minority Leader John Boehner is just thankful something besides his face has finally turned a oddly glowing, likely toxic, unnatural shade of orange even if it is America's entire Gulf Coast, that he is ready to let bygones be bygones. Enough of this petty blame game (except when directed towards those who deserve it like DEMONcrats and/or NObama)!

It is time to move forward and act like responsible, mature adults when flip-flopping and contradicting oneself in order to simultaneously appease Big Oil, the overlords in the Chamber of Commerce, and of course the nagging public who keep cryin' poor every time the GOP tries to take their hard-earned taxpayer money to pay for the greasy death 'n destruction their their awesome, slick, hands-off deregulation of beloved oil conglomerates caused. Whoops!

Hey, nobody's perfect right?

Err, except the world's greatest oil company, and most skilled man-made disaster cleanup crew ever assembled: no, not BP, the Glowing Orange Party, of course!

6. Joe Barton

Which naturally brings us to our final Southern fried f**k up, good ol' Joe Barton of good ol' Texas. A wondrous, brilliant man whose world-famous apology to the poor, misunderstood CEO of BP Tony Hayward is only one small piece of this man's stellar record of public service.
Besides the Saints and Samaritans at BP, no one stands up for the rights of the "small people" more than Grand Old Pariah, fightin' Joe Barton. And by small people, we of course mean the poor, innocent victims of NObama's evil $20 billion government shakedown, forced to pay out of their own endless pockets to cover the hefty costs of covering an entire ocean with delicious crude oil, imported all the way from Britain! Is this any way to treat a guest??

"I think it is a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown, in this case a $20 billion shakedown," Barton said. "I'm only speaking for myself, I'm not speaking for anybody else. But I apologize. I do not want to live in a country where any time a citizen or a corporation does something that is legitimately wrong, is subject to to some sort of political pressure that is, again, in my words, amounts to a shakedown. So I apologize."

I mean what kind of world would it be, if every time some greedy, out-of-control oil conglomerate tries to get sinfully rich by destroying an entire ecosystem, they're actually held responsible for their reckless actions turning boring blue to luscious black?

Why that sounds like a nightmare, a hellish doomsday vision that Joe Barton for one, wants no part of and nothing, I said, nothing, is gonna change ever change that, ever!

He has principles, people! The kind that may top kill Flipper, Flounder, and every last coastal fisherman's livelihood, but doesn't stop spillin' baby spillin' the only kind of green worth anything (it ain't algae!) right into his big, fat, oily fingers.

What's that you say?? Oh, ooops, we're terribly sorry!

Smithers, get this man a napkin, on the double! For Christ's sake, he's got some very important tweetin' to do and doesn't need any greasy smudge stains or oily fish remains screwing up his fine, wisdom-filled, 140 character-limited, apology-laden messages.

Joe is perfectly capable of doing that all by his own greasy, toxic, limited character self!

And unlike BP, he doesn't even need to dive several miles beneath the sea to plug the gaping hole uncontrollably spewing toxic waste.

God purposely located it for maximum plugging convenience. In case of emergency, like say, whenever he opens his mouth.

Surprise! Famed Congressional Punching Bag Tony Hayward Saved By Even Bigger Oil Whore Joe Barton's Apology Heard 'Round The World

Corporate troll and Grand Old Pariah, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, the ranking member of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, went out on a limb to prove he is in fact, the Grade-A douchebag everyone suspected by, wait for it...apologizing to poor BP for the terrible inconvenience America has caused the oil company for little more than covering its entire Southern coast with delicious British Petroleum and death. Like big whoop, right?

While the rest of Congress was naturally unleashing their furious wrath on the gross incompetence of BP CEO Tony Hayward, who will soon have his life back now that BP’s chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg will take over his job caring for the "small people," Rep. Joe Barton was of course begging for forgiveness from Hayward over President NObama's shameful decision to force his beautiful oil conglomerate to create a $20 billion escrow fund to pay out damages to victims of the oil spill, likely not including those currently washing up on coastal shores covered in thick toxic goo.

"I'm speaking totally for myself and I’m not speaking for the Republican Party and I’m not speaking for anybody in the House of Representatives but myself, but I’m ashamed of what happened in the White House yesterday. I think it’s a tragedy of the first proportion that a private corporation can be subjected to what I would characterize as a shakedown. In this case, a $20 billion shakedown with the Attorney General of the United States who is legitimately conducting a criminal investigation and has every right to do so to protect the interests of the American people participating in what amounts to a $20 billion slush fund that’s unprecedented in our nation’s history that’s got no legal standing and what I think sets a terrible precedent for the future."

A terrible, no-good precedent allowing a corporation as pure and beautiful as British Petroleum to be treated in such an unseemly manner by a U.S. president, an illegal, black U.S. president, no less!

That ain't how Texas rolls y'all!

But even the big business-lovin' Republicans who usually enjoy nothing more than bathing in luxurious crude oil and similar BP-provided contaminants, think their fellow Grand Oil Puppet may have gone a step too far.

Like Florida Rep. Jeff Miller, whose very city of Pensacola will soon be completely covered in greasy BP greed, negligence, and death all because Hayward and Co., decided a devastating oil rig explosion was more desirable than spending even one red cent to prevent such maritime disasters from happening in the first place.

That would make too much sen$e!

"I am shocked by Congressman Joe Barton's reprehensible comments that the government should apologize for the ‘shakedown’ of BP," Miller said. "BP has caused the greatest ecological and environmental disaster our nation has ever seen. They are the responsible party and they should pay for losses and damages, not the taxpayer. I am optimistic and hopeful that BP acted in good faith by opening the $20 million escrow account, as several of us have requested."

"Mr. Barton’s remarks are out of touch with this tragedy and I feel his comments call into question his judgment and ability to serve in a leadership on the Energy and Commerce Committee. He should step down as Ranking Member of the Committee."

Whoa, whoa, easy there, Congressman! Not his fancy shmancy committee seat!! Anything but that!! C'mon you can understand, can't you? After all, you do sit on the "same committee that sets out Republican policy and used the exact same language in opposing the administration's effort to hold BP accountable to families and small businesses of the Gulf by making BP fund a $20 billion accountability trust," don't you?

Oh, details! Never mind those. The point is that even the vile, heartless Grand Old relics in Congress realize that unfortunately, in this rare case, the lesser of the two evils happens to be our terrible, socialist president, and as such, siding with big, bad BP is not only kind of insane, PR-wise, but legally untenable, and will probably backfire and bite them all in the behinds come November. In other words, totally not worth it!

"I have said since the beginning that BP ought to be held responsible for every dime of this tragedy," John Boehner said, growing increasingly orange with every breath. "And they ought to be held accountable to stop the leak and get it cleaned up as soon as possible.”

Just like I ought to take Joe Barton, bind him to Tony Hayward using Michael Steele's trusty ropes 'n chains and drown 'em both in a vat of scalding black oil!

“What is shameful is that Joe Barton seems to have more concern for big corporations that caused this disaster than the fishermen, small-business owners and communities whose lives have been devastated by the destruction," White House press secretary Robert Gibbs said.

"Congressman Barton may think that a fund to compensate these Americans is a ‘tragedy,’ but most Americans know that the real tragedy is what the men and women of the Gulf Coast are going through right now.”

And just think of what poor Tony Hayward is going through now that his lovely summer vacation has been cut short, along with the lives of every aquatic organism used to breathing through non-oil saturated gills. Bummer!

Good thing hard-hitting Democratic Reps. Bart Stupak of Michigan and Henry Waxman of California, whose staff uncovered the bulk of what’s now known about the sh*t-show known as the Deepwater Horizon oil rig, also gave it to Hayward, who is now seen as the second-worst oil whore thanks to Rep. Joe Barton's rapid ascent to the top.

“BP cut corner after corner to save a million dollars here and a few hours or days there,” Waxman said. “And now the whole Gulf Coast is paying the price.”

But, on the bright side, at least BP isn't stuck with the bill. Which should make a certain deep-oil fried Texan happier than a pig in grease, aka our coastal waters!

Blasting Hayward for his petulant, smug comment about wanting his rich, high flying, consequence-be damned, oil executive life back, Stupak said he is “more concerned than ever” with the corporate culture at BP.

“I’m sure you’ll get your life back, with a golden parachute back to England,” Stupak said.

Then maybe he can finally apologize to the Nazis on behalf of Joe Barton for inconveniencing them during World War II. He's felt terrible about it for like ages now!

Of course, when he finally got a chance to testify, and prove to the world that he really is the British version of Dick Cheney, Tony Hayward insisted his company has made strides in instituting safe operations (wink, wink!) and brushed aside claims that the Deepwater Horizon explosion occurred because of unsafe drilling procedures.

Hayward said that he thinks “it’s too early to reach conclusions” about what caused the disaster.

Though he does have a sneaking suspicion it has something to do with the boogie man.

“We have focused like a laser on safe and reliable operations, that is a fact,” Hayward said.

A death star laser, mwhahahahaha!

Much like the Wall Street heroes before him, and the SS officers before them, Hayward pulled the ol' "It wasn't me" and "I was just following orders" defense when facing the sharp questions from the Democratic and Republican anger bears in Congress.

Hayward said he “wasn’t involved in any of that decision making” in relation to the drilling of now-exploded well, and noted that BP drills “hundreds of wells a year all around the world.”

I mean who know all the millions of animals we've killed, and miles of open resource-filled ocean we've laid to waste by now? Who do you think we are scientists or global CEO's who actually know what we're talking about or better yet, actually give a shit? Ha ha, try that soft micro nerd with the glasses and the PC, ya wacky Americans!

Meanwhile, that other Joe who always gets into big f**king trouble for saying big stupid f**king things, Vice President Joe Biden finally got to yell at someone else for saying something outrageous and boneheaded.

"This is an entire way of life that's in jeopardy," Biden said. He said he's surprised that Barton would say he's "ashamed" because the White House is being "tough on an oil company who caused the problem." Biden added, "There's no shakedown, it's insisting on responsible conduct, [a] responsible response to something they caused."

Exactly! What's the problem!? That's the very definition of a shakedown according to the Grand Oil Party's handy pocket dictionary and A-Z guide on how to ruin a coastline, bankrupt a country, destroy an ecosystem, and kill all the goodness in the world in eight quick years or less!

In a rare joint statement, the three blind mice House GOP leaders John Boehner, Eric Cantor and Mike Pence condemned Rep. Barton's statements as wrong, and said, "The oil spill in the Gulf is this nation's largest natural disaster and stopping the leak and cleaning up the region is our top priority."

Right after we plug that other disastrous black hole in the White House, leaking common sense and intelligence all over the once-pure BP-subsidiary known as the United States of Exxon-Mobil.

Valdez sounded a little too Mexicany for their liking, don't ya think?

$arah Palin Has Had Quite Enough Of This "Boobgate" Scandal She's Always Not Talkin' 'Bout!

"Nooo, I have not had implants. I think a report like that is about as real and truthful that Todd and I are divorcing or that I bought a place in the Hamptons or that Trig is not my own child. And we still put up with that garbage, too."-- Sarah Palin

Hot stinkin' garbaaaage that Little Miss $arah simply needn't so much as mention, it's so petty and insignificant in the scheme of things!

But since you asked, Greta Van Susteren, and I love you for that, because you're not afraid to ask "the questions," and even though you think my husband is hot as hellfire, and would bang him in a heartbeat, I could never disappoint a fellow Fox News feminist just tryin' to keep the lamestream media on their toes.

So, in lieu of the usual vile, incoherent Facebook spew or 140 character Twittery cheers about how boobie talk demeans women, much like the choice to murder miracles of drunken regret God, the world famous moose hunter and Arctic swindler, $arah Louise Palin will bring the never-before-heard truth behind the week's hottest, new scandal made all cute and adorable by shoving gate at the end: the one, the only, incredible "Boobgate" saga.

VAN SUSTEREN: You know, it’s sort of interesting, Governor. I’ll take a bet with you. Maybe you won’t take this bet with me. But the last segment, we discussed policy. I asked about energy policy since energy is so important to your home state of Alaska. My guess is this next question I’m going to ask you, which is the buzz of the Internet, it’s in mainstream media — I bet it gets more attention than our discussion about energy. So here it is. Breast implants! Did you have them or not? Because that’s all over the Internet about you, and mainstream media.

PALIN: Well, first, Greta, you know why we love you? Because you’re not afraid to ask the questions. And I got to respect you for asking that question because I know that “boobgate” is all over the Internet right now because there are a lot of, I guess, bored, idle bloggers and reporters with nothing else to talk about. And I think some of those folks, too, they need to grab a shovel, go down to the gulf, volunteer to help, clean up and save a whale or something instead of reporting on such stupid things like that.

Ummm, nothing!?!? Sure, nothing except some rich dumb bitch who went and bought herself some tits.

In other words, EVERYTHING!

Or at least until you throw on a designer wetsuit, grab your special edition diamond-encrusted hockey stick,  butterfly stroke on down to the Gulf coast, and start pluckin' out oil-soaked birds and fish before tossin' the half-dead bastards in the sand and headin' back to your private, air-conditioned presidential suite, away from the gross, greasy animals and reporters, to play with Trig and take a quick power nap.

Then maybe, we can finally report on something important for a change!

BP Apologizes For Failing To "Top Kill" Anything, Except Mother Earth, Of Course!

Howdy America and Happy Memorial Day to all of you, even those who aren't in the military and have done nothing to honor our soldiers except shove brats and burgers in your big. fat mouths while competing to see who can guzzle the most beers and smash the empty cans against their foreheads in the least amount of time, for freedom!

On this patriotic holiday, I hope you enjoy some fun in the sun (or rain) on your fine, federal day off from whatever menial job you normally dread every Monday-Friday, when not honoring scores of dead soldiers who died for America during any of the various invasions, battles, or star-spangled incursions to stop Hitler or avenge an attempt on Daddy's life by some desert madman named Saddam, or whatever the case may be.

Either way, enjoy the long weekend, because it may be your last now that BP oil spillageddon continues to douse marine wildlife and precious resources in layers of delicious petroleum, and flirt with the people frolicking around the coastal shores from Florida to Mississippi in the hopes of enjoying actual cool, refreshing water, not thick, slimy crude oil during their fun Memorial day at the beach.

That's right folks! Turns out BP's desperate, last-ditch effort to "plug the damn hole" via the awesomely-named "top kill" didn't in fact "kill" anything except our collective hope, and faith that BP can do anything even remotely competently except dupe the dumb public out of oceans of money, and actual non-toxic, Dihydrogen monoxide seas of life.

Tsk, tsk, silly Americans!

So, now that BP's latest, greatest "best chance" to seal the worst oil leak in U.S. history—by shoving a billion tons of filth, garbage, and basic garage sale items inside the spewing wound—has been a spectacular failure (despite it's supposed 70 percent chance of success), what terrible, new, sexily-named plan will the brilliant oil-clogged minds at BP come up with next?

“After three full days of attempting top kill, we now believe it is time to move on to the next of our options,” BP Chief Operations Officer Doug Suttles explained, admitting that they "don't know for certain why it failed," which is always very encouraging to hear!

In any case, now that the hardworking, capable minds at BP have been unable to stem the flow geyser of oil gushing from a mile beneath the Gulf of Mexico and onto America's coastal shores, using state-of-the-art techniques like shooting as many golf balls and rubber tires as humanly possible into the hole, in the hopes that the powerful combo of discarded junk and a few Hail Marys will do the trick, it is time to move on to the next comical-if-it-weren't-so-tragic "solution" to stop the oil from spillin' baby spillin'!

The new "fix" probably won't "work" either—and it might increase the bleeding crude “by as much as 20%.” But on the bright side, it may just start working in August, so good times ahead?

Or at least if you believe a hoity-toity, elitist "news"paper like the LA Times:

"BP’s plan to sever a leaking pipe as part of an effort to cap its runaway well in the Gulf of Mexico could increase flow by as much as 20%, and the oil giant has no remedy to stop up the well until August, Obama administration and company officials said Sunday. "

But hey, at least BP feels bad (sort of):

BP’s CEO said Sunday he’s sorry for the largest oil spill in U.S. history and the "massive disruption" it has caused the Gulf Coast, telling reporters the company hopes to corral most of the crude offshore.

"The first thing to say is I’m sorry," Tony Hayward said when asked what he would tell people in Louisiana, where heavy oil has already reached parts of the state’s southeastern marshes.

"We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back."

You hear that, America?? He is incredibly sorry for all the death and destruction his wonderful company has caused, but even more for all the disruption you people have caused to his perfect, carefree life. He's a rich, global oil executive for crying out loud, not some common schlub who actually relies on the ocean for silly things like eating, drinking, and employment, instead of important BP things like padding his already flush, fattened wallet.

I mean what do you want him to do? Grab some gloves and a shovel and actually start cleaning the sh*t up himself?

Ha ha, now that's rich! Not as rich as he or any of the other caring, misunderstood BP executives responsible for devastating America's coastlines, but hey, close enough.

Hayward said the company is doing "everything we can to contain the oil offshore, but as far as I'm concerned, a cup of oil on the beach is a failure."

But an entire ocean of oil? Heckuva job, Tony!!

So, anyway, Happy Memorial Day...to the once thriving vast bodies of sustenance and life formerly known as the Ocean.

The last 3.8 billion years just wouldn't have been the same without you!

But, perhaps there's another 139 million square miles of precious, untapped open wilderness for you to destroy explore, where no one will mind a couple million barrels o' oil wreaking death and destruction every which way...

$arah Palin's backyard for instance?

When Not Crying, Glenn Beck Does Important Things Like Mocking 11-Year-Old First Daughters Named Malia

No one really expects fallen drunkard turned born again Moron Mormon rodeo clown Glenn Beck to act like anything other than a circus sideshow freak who just got his hands on the miraculous twin inventions of the chalkboard and accompanying white tube with which to write.

So it really comes as no surprise that America's chubby, blue-eyed, blond-haired angel of teary-eyed truth took his one-man monologue on the ravages mental illness to the airwaves to rant about the newest enemy of freedom, 11-year-old Malia Obama for her hilariously naive "preteen" question about BP's oil leak catastrophe, "Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?"

Hahahahahah! OMG, can you believe how stupid that Malia girl is? What is she like 11 or 12 or something? God, where did she get that education? Some terrible place like Chicago or Kenya? If only she had someone smart and intelligent, without any formal college education (elitist!) like Glenn Beck to teach her the ways of the world.

Maybe then she wouldn't be such a loser!

Good thing Glenn's own kids wouldn't say anything stupid and childish like that! Probably because they don't even know how to speak or formulate an actual question, but hey let's not rip on anyone's off-limits family because that wouldn't be very nice or sensitive. But then again, his Foxy ratings may go up, i.e. the opposite way of his IQ! You with me? Huh? I can't hear you! I said who's with me, people??

Apparently, the central tenets of Glenny's "leave the families alone" motto only applies to people Glenn Beck doesn't particularly care for, including stillborn babies and the incompetent mothers who miscarried them. Especially when the mother happens to be guilty of the terrible crime known as being married to the host of a rival morning show in the same market as a certain principled pillar of integrity, a Mr. Glenn Lee Beck.

Otherwise, like in the case of say, sexy, former half-governors named Sarah Palin, it is absolutely unacceptable to attack a person's rather large family, whether they--unwed teenage mother with newborn miracles of God (special needs and otherwise) in tow--are paraded all over town, or not.

"Leave my family, leave people's families alone...When it was Bill Clinton, you don't go after Chelsea Clinton," Beck said. "You don't talk about the Bush kids. Now, the minute they get into politics, that's a different story. You leave the families alone."

Except of course when that family happens to be of the terrible Socialist Kenyan Obama variety. Then by all means. The sky's the limit!

BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy? Daddy? Daddy, did you plug the hole yet? Daddy?
PAT GRAY (co-host): (imitating Obama) No I didn't, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy, I know you're better than [unintelligible]
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Mm-hmm, big country.
BECK: (imitating Malia) And I was wondering if you've plugged that hole yet.
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Honey, not yet.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why not, daddy? But daddy--
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Not time yet, honey. Hasn't done enough damage.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Not enough damage yet, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah?
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why do you hate black people so much?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) I'm part white, honey.
BECK: (imitating Malia) What?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) What?
BECK: (imitating Malia) What'd you say?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Excuse me?
BECK: (laughing) This is such a ridiculous -- this is such a ridiculous thing that his daughter-- (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: It's so stupid.
BECK: How old is his daughter? Like, thirteen?
GRAY: Well, one of them's, I think, thirteen, one's eleven, or something.
BECK: "Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?" Is that's their -- that's the level of their education, that they're coming to -- they're coming to daddy and saying 'Daddy, did you plug the hole yet?' " Plug the hole!
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yes, I was doing some deep-sea diving yesterday, and--
BECK: (imitating Malia) Daddy?
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, I was doing--
BECK: (imitating Malia) Why--
GRAY: (imitating Obama) Yeah, honey, I'm--
BECK (imitating Malia) Why, why, why, why, do you still let the polar bears die? Daddy, why do you still let Sarah Palin destroy the environment? Why are -- Daddy, why don't you just put her in some sort of a camp?

Oh, daddy why did that awful, fat effeminate buffoon on Fox news, Glenn Beck's daddy not love him? Why did his mommy have to go kill herself and leave li'l Glenny all by his lonesome with nothing but a bottle of Jack Daniels to keep him warm 'n cuddly at night? Why does a 46-year-old "newscaster" feel the need to put Vick's Vapo Rub in his eyes to feign tears, or publicly bash a sweet, 11-year-old girl's innocent question about how to stop 50 million gallons of delicious oil from spewing into the Gulf of Mexico?

Daddy, why do brain-dead people with no tact, no sense, and no class find a way to get super rich and famous by being that one token idiot people like because it makes them feel better about their own miserable, pathetic lives.

Why can't I grow up to be a hypocritical, blathering butt of late night jokes and SNL skits who contradicts every word he utters, while selling his soul to the highest bidder? No not God, silly, Rupert Murdoch!

Why can't I hit the big time by writing nonsense words and pretend flow charts on a chalkboard so people think I know what I am talking about when I am really just drawing random squiggle lines, circles, and fun geometric shapes like swastikas!

Perhaps somewhere in his pure (albino) white soul, Glenn may have felt a tinge of remorse for "impersonating" Malia by speaking in a little baby voice (different from his regular one!), questioning her education level, and insinuating that she asks her father why he hates black people.

In fact, Glenny poo is such a sweetheart that he released a statement apologizing for his actions:

"In discussing how President Obama uses children to shield himself from criticism, I broke my own rule about leaving kids out of political debates. The children of public figures should be left on the sidelines. It was a stupid mistake and I apologize—and as a dad I should have known better."

But as a 46 year-old man-child fluke of nature/one wild night of drunken unprotected passion, I didn't.

Just like Malia should have known better than to ask her pops a vague question like "Did you plug the hole yet, daddy?"

Cause when you put it that way, it could mean well, anything really. Like say the uncontrollable poison spewing hole between Glenn Beck's nose and chin. That shit's needed to be plugged for years.

But no matter what we do, we can't seem to stop the torrent of toxic waste and slime oozing from deep within his big fat pie hole.

Hmmm, the nuclear option's starting to sound better every day!

There's Nothing Fishy 'Bout This Barracuda's Big Oil, Barack Obama Bed-Sharing Bombshell!

It's never easy to tell exactly what $arah Louise Palin is saying, what with her total narcissism, rudimentary understanding of the English language, and various side ventures trying to make even more moose piles of money for her favoritest person, $arah Louise Palin!

But apparently, America's #1 unemployed defender of the freedom to spill, baby spill! luxurious British Petroleum up 'n down America's coasts, may have hinted at a possible presidential run in 2012 to anchor Chris Wallace on her favoritest Fox News over the weekend. Err, or at least as much as can be inferred from the self-centered, incoherent ramblings of a wandering Arctic drifter whose vast policy experiences include keeping a perfectly-mascarad eye on Mother Russia from her front porch, while teaching her 25 children about the joys of skinning and gutting a freshly-killed moose, elk, or absent baby-daddy's pursuing porn careers.

"It really comes down to it's not being about me, or what I want, or what I predict is gonna happen. ... [I]f the voters of America are in the mood for a kind of unconventional, candid, honest public servant — it doesn't necessarily have to be me — but if that's what they're in the mood for, they're going to let that be known, and they're going to help really propel and push that candidate forward, and then that candidate, of course, will make the decision whether to run or not. Don't know if that's going to me, Chris. ... As I've always said, I'm not going to close any door that perhaps would be open."

Ya know, sorta like the health care that's needed to shore up the economy because it's all about job creation right? Exactly the type of coy, evasive, semi-coherent, run-on response you'd expect from the one-time runner-up Miss Alaska turned former half-term governor turned full-time facebooker turned professional money-maker, with nary a spare moment to brush up on her English speaking skills, what with her crazy, sardine-packed schedule padding her bank account serving the American people.

But even a selfless patriot like $arah knows that if she is what the American people want, then she is exactly what they will get, because in Sarah's mind(?), country always comes first. Or at least right after herself, her career, her bottom line, her perfect, off-limits family, her corporate sponsors, and even her totally justified avenging of any hapless schmuck dumb enough to cross the killer 'Cuda, at any point before, after, or during her meteoric rise to fame and fortune, courtesy of her sweet, senile Granddaddy, Johnny Mac.

Locked 'n loaded in her crosshairs is of course that terrible, arugula-eating community organizer from Kenya, Barack Hussein Obama, who smart $arah just knows is solely responsible for the delicious but devastating BP oil disaster, turning America's Southern coastlines into a kid-friendly, oil-infused bubble bath complete with rubber duckies that float right to the top!

Much like how daughter Bristol's drunk romp in the sack with Levi gave us a precious miracle of God named Tripp, Sarah is just positive that President NObama's slutty bedding of Big Oil is behind this newest precious miracle of fact-based reality versus some idiotic Alaskan woman's cute 'n catchy campaign slogans.

Well, $arah wants to know why the elitist lamestream media is letting our illegal, oil-drenched, half-black, Muslim president get away with such monumental failures of leadership, and ridiculous, short-sighted policies as "drill, baby drill!" Those are her hard-earned, nonsensical ideas, God damn it!

"If there's any connection there to President Obama taking so doggone long to get in there, to dive in there and grasp the complexity and the potential tragedy that we are seeing here in the Gulf of Mexico. Now if this was President Bush or if this were a Republican in office who hadn't received as much support even as President Obama has from BP and other oil companies, you know the mainstream media would be all over his case."

Oh hell yeah! Right on sister! Like when that swirling mass of God's wrath over homosexuality and abortions called Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans and President George W. Bush single-handedly saved the Big Easy from becoming the next Lost City of Atlantis by heading down South, and saving the whole drowning city using nothing more than a pair of fins, snorkel, jumbo-sized straw, and his unparalleled ability to suck. Or something like that.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs fired back at Palin's suggestions that Obama was somehow "in bed with big oil" because of 2008 campaign contributions, dismissing the notion as being almost as asinine as the person whose perfectly-lipsticked mouth it came out of.

"Sarah Palin was involved in that election, but I don't think, apparently, was paying a whole lot of attention," Gibbs said. "I'm almost sure that the oil companies don't consider the Obama administration a huge ally. We proposed a windfall profits tax when they jacked their oil prices up to charge for gasoline."

"My suggestion to Sarah Palin would be to get slightly more informed as to what's going on in and around oil drilling in this country."

Eh, not sure that would jibe with her awesome, new plan to leave the precious ocean floor alone to avoid spillin', baby spillin', and instead start drillin', baby drillin' straight into the plentiful, massive, living, mobile oil storage units God blessed us with on his fifth day of Creation.

Why else would He fill the seas with all those dumb, blubber-filled whales?

For Moby-Dick?? Hahahahaha, more like so Moby-Ditz can keep her maverick lips lookin' their glossy, shiny, wet 'n wild, water-resistant, Beluga best, in any environment...man-made disasters, included!

You betcha!

$arah Palin Knows, Yes We Can, Spill Baby Spill!

National oil whore $arah Palin knows a thing or two about spillin' baby spillin' barrels of delicious petroleum up 'n down America's southern coast, because one time back in 1989, when Exxon Valdez was drillin' baby drillin' all over Prince William Sound, the exact same thing happened to her wonderful Alaska, for Pete's sake!

And like all this fish and other awesome Alaskan treasures got covered in layers of luxurious oil, and it was like a big, warm slippery bath, except everything came out dead, not clean, in the end.

So, like oops!

But Sarah totally knows how y'all feel, what with your once-thriving beaches and lush deltas being devastated by thick, toxic ooze, which in the dense, marshy wetlands of Louisiana and Florida, is like a zillion times worse than when these "things" happen off the frozen, jagged coast of Antarctica Alaska or whatever. And even then, everything is still screwed up for at least a generation!

Err, if you believe the elitist mainstream media that is, who sweet $arah knows are probably lying anyway:

The cord-grass marshes of south Louisiana are nurseries for baby shrimp, stalking grounds for blue crabs, and barriers that slow down waves before they bite off more of the mainland. On Friday, they were becoming defenseless sponges for sticky, dark oil. Scientists said the enormous slick had the potential to bring environmental ruin to this treasured coastline.

The oil is spilling out of the seafloor at 5,000 barrels a day -- the equivalent of 210,000 gallons -- maybe much more, from a well about 50 miles out in the Gulf of Mexico, and it could soon eclipse the volume of the infamous Exxon Valdez spill in 1989. That disaster spilled oil onto rocky Alaskan beaches, but it is at least possible to wash oil off a rock. In the Gulf, the oil is floating into wetlands that could hold on to its toxins for years.

One environmentalist said the scenario created "a potential mega-disaster."

"The magnitude and the potential for ecological damage is probably more great than anything we've ever seen in the Gulf of Mexico," said Nancy Rabalais, a scientist who heads the Louisiana Universities Marine Consortium, a research center in Cocodrie, La. "Once it hits the shoreline, it'll get into everything."

It's wacky I know!

If she wasn't so busy TweetBookin' 'bout why America needs to drill here, drill now! she might even head down to the nice folk there, staring out at the massive, drifting fire ball now the size of New Hampshire to help out.

Because legend has it that when Sarah was just wee, wide-eyed, newly-eloped Wasilla gal, and that whole Exxon Valdez thing happened, the Barracuda headed down with a hockey stick and bag o' cotton balls and cleaned the whole mess up herself, using the same hand she now writes notes on for her world-famous speeches.

"There's a lot at risk here," said Jane Lubchenco, who heads the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. She noted that 40 percent of the coastal wetlands in the continental United States are in Louisiana. "Ninety-seven percent of commercial fish and shellfish in the Gulf depend on estuaries and wetlands during their life cycle," she said.

"I'm going to be honest with you, it's got a lot of people very fearful," said Avery Bates of the Organized Seafood Association of Alabama in Bayou la Batre. He said the slick was expected to hit their stretch of coastline Sunday.

"Petroleum and seafood," Bates said, "do not go together."

Much like oil company wind-up dolls advocatin' reckless, dangerous policies they do not understand on social networking sites, in 140 characters or less.

But one thing Miss runner-up Alaska does know for sure, besides Jesus loves America bestest, is that "all industry efforts must be employed," even if she isn't.

Employed that is.

And sorry, makin' stuff up as the newest flake on Faux News doesn't count as an actual job.

Oil's Well That Ends Well...Or In Total Disaster! Just Ask Charlie Crist Or Charlie The Tuna

Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill, Baby, Drill! Drill, Baby, Drill!

Everyone knows environmental conservation and coastal drilling go together like, well, water and oil, especially the more than 200,000 gallons spilling into the Gulf of Mexico every day, after another one of those really safe, technologically sound British Petroleum-leased oil rigs exploded, killing 11 workers and spewing thousands of gallons of toxic, highly flammable crude oil out of a hole at the end of the 5,000-foot-long pipe into the now flaming, black ocean.

Wooohooo!

Thanks to the wizards over at BP, who as it turns out could have prevented the entire disaster altogether with a simple remote "off" switch, which of course the rig lacked, because that would make too much sense, take all the fun "risk" out of the whole thing, and who knows, maybe even cost a fraction of the millions of dollars already "wasted" on the extensive emergency cleanup effort in the wake of the disaster. Oh, well! Ya win some, ya lose some, right!?

The oil spill is now estimated to be five times as big as previously thought—likely bigger than the Exxon Valdez spill in 1989, but much to everyone's delight, the Coast Guard has already begun setting the oil on fire to control environmental damage.

Which is good news!

Because now the terrifying mass of crude oil the size of Rhode Island quickly barreling towards the Louisiana coastline has instead turned into a terrifying wall of flaming oil, the "color and texture of iced tea."

MMMmmmm, everyone loves iced tea! Especially when it tastes like delicious spilled oil and dead marine wildlife.

After admitting the spill was far more extensive than originally thought, BP's Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles said, "We'll take help from anyone."

Grab a shovel, Sarah!

Guess good things really do happen when you line your nation's unsightly bare coastline with beautiful offshore oil rigs. For freedom!

Speaking of post catastrophe cleanup efforts, the official "Scrubbing of Charlie Crist" from all pamphlets, websites, and any other Republican Party literature bearing this terrible traitor's likeness or name is underway in the Sunshine State.

"The governor is the elected head of our party, so just from a logistical standpoint, in terms of a lot of our printed materials, our website, some of the branding that we’ve done, and things like that, we really have to go back and reevaluate," said the source.

"We don’t want to presume what the governor’s announcement is going to be. All signs point to him leaving the party, so all the preparation we’ve done from a logistical standpoint is going back and seeing what changes need to be made, seeing as the sitting governor will no longer be a member of our party after today."

But with Charlie Crist saying bye bye to the GOP to go rogue as an Independent, where ever will Republicans find another closeted queer who votes against gay rights, while secretly banging 'em on the side, to carry the torch burning cross for the Grand Old Party in the Grand Old People State of Florida?

What's that?? Tea Party fave Marco Rubio, you say??

Hmmm...not bad. I mean he's got all the wingnut qualifications necessary to be the next great Jeb Bush-like savior to lead Florida to complete collapse. Yes, all in all, a decent option, that is, if Arizona's crazy immigrant-huntin' cops don't come down from the soon-to-be-all-white desert and ship him back to that other Cuba, 295.4 miles to the south of Miami, first.

Oh wait, ha ha, never mind. The ocean's on fire anyway! America wins again!

Long live the GOP!

USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!