$arah Palin Knows, Yes We Can, Spill Baby Spill!

National oil whore $arah Palin knows a thing or two about spillin' baby spillin' barrels of delicious petroleum up 'n down America's southern coast, because one time back in 1989, when Exxon Valdez was drillin' baby drillin' all over Prince William Sound, the exact same thing happened to her wonderful Alaska, for Pete's sake!

And like all this fish and other awesome Alaskan treasures got covered in layers of luxurious oil, and it was like a big, warm slippery bath, except everything came out dead, not clean, in the end.

So, like oops!

But Sarah totally knows how y'all feel, what with your once-thriving beaches and lush deltas being devastated by thick, toxic ooze, which in the dense, marshy wetlands of Louisiana and Florida, is like a zillion times worse than when these "things" happen off the frozen, jagged coast of Antarctica Alaska or whatever. And even then, everything is still screwed up for at least a generation!

Err, if you believe the elitist mainstream media that is, who sweet $arah knows are probably lying anyway:

The cord-grass marshes of south Louisiana are nurseries for baby shrimp, stalking grounds for blue crabs, and barriers that slow down waves before they bite off more of the mainland. On Friday, they were becoming defenseless sponges for sticky, dark oil. Scientists said the enormous slick had the potential to bring environmental ruin to this treasured coastline.

The oil is spilling out of the seafloor at 5,000 barrels a day -- the equivalent of 210,000 gallons -- maybe much more, from a well about 50 miles out in the Gulf of Mexico, and it could soon eclipse the volume of the infamous Exxon Valdez spill in 1989. That disaster spilled oil onto rocky Alaskan beaches, but it is at least possible to wash oil off a rock. In the Gulf, the oil is floating into wetlands that could hold on to its toxins for years.

One environmentalist said the scenario created "a potential mega-disaster."

"The magnitude and the potential for ecological damage is probably more great than anything we've ever seen in the Gulf of Mexico," said Nancy Rabalais, a scientist who heads the Louisiana Universities Marine Consortium, a research center in Cocodrie, La. "Once it hits the shoreline, it'll get into everything."

It's wacky I know!

If she wasn't so busy TweetBookin' 'bout why America needs to drill here, drill now! she might even head down to the nice folk there, staring out at the massive, drifting fire ball now the size of New Hampshire to help out.

Because legend has it that when Sarah was just wee, wide-eyed, newly-eloped Wasilla gal, and that whole Exxon Valdez thing happened, the Barracuda headed down with a hockey stick and bag o' cotton balls and cleaned the whole mess up herself, using the same hand she now writes notes on for her world-famous speeches.

"There's a lot at risk here," said Jane Lubchenco, who heads the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. She noted that 40 percent of the coastal wetlands in the continental United States are in Louisiana. "Ninety-seven percent of commercial fish and shellfish in the Gulf depend on estuaries and wetlands during their life cycle," she said.

"I'm going to be honest with you, it's got a lot of people very fearful," said Avery Bates of the Organized Seafood Association of Alabama in Bayou la Batre. He said the slick was expected to hit their stretch of coastline Sunday.

"Petroleum and seafood," Bates said, "do not go together."

Much like oil company wind-up dolls advocatin' reckless, dangerous policies they do not understand on social networking sites, in 140 characters or less.

But one thing Miss runner-up Alaska does know for sure, besides Jesus loves America bestest, is that "all industry efforts must be employed," even if she isn't.

Employed that is.

And sorry, makin' stuff up as the newest flake on Faux News doesn't count as an actual job.

Yes We Can, Drill, Baby Drill!

Per usual, President Barack Obama is doing all he possibly can to extend an Olive Branch to all those (Teabaggers, Republicans, Racists, etc) who'd like nothing more than to give him the ol' heave ho back to the sweltering Kenyan wilderness he came from, by finally letting the nice oil companies drill, baby drill their fat faces full of delicious petroleum, up and down the coast, as much as their little hearts desire, until every American can bathe in its luxurious golden elixir and everyone lives forever and no one dies and all is well in the world. The End.

Oh, wait. You mean world peace, and spontaneous arm-linking while swaying in unison and chanting Kumbaya in perfect harmony isn't what happens when a Democrat attempts to placate his enemies by offering some dumb policy nobody likes except the dumb party he is dumbly trying to reason with? Again.

Silly me. Surely, there must be some logical explanation why President Obama decided to announce his special new plan "to open vast expanses of water along the Atlantic coastline, the eastern Gulf of Mexico and the north coast of Alaska to oil and natural gas drilling, much of it for the first time."

"The proposal -- a compromise that will please oil companies and domestic drilling advocates but anger some residents of affected states and many environmental organizations -- would end a longstanding moratorium on oil exploration along the East Coast from the northern tip of Delaware to the central coast of Florida, covering 167 million acres of ocean."

Oh, I get it now! Obama has decided to open up drilling platforms off specific sections of America's Coastlines so that states that voted for the trainwreck McCain-Palin ticket get to enjoy disastrous oil spills, marine devastation, coastal erosion, and overall environmental catastrophe because what else is there to do with pristine beaches and a veritable treasure trove of untapped open ocean?

Swim?? Ha ha, yeah, like people who dwell in Red State, Real America do things like put on bathing suits or stroll on the beach, or heavens forbid, actually swim in the damn thing or anything. Ugh, as if. What do they look like, queer potheads in California or somethin'?

Naturally, environmentalists, hippie-dippie Greenpeace save the dolphins/whales/polar bear types, and those with functioning brains are up in arms (not the Sarah Palin crosshair kind!) over Obama's new offshore drilling expansion, which will neither have a discernible impact on America's fuel supply nor our long-term energy needs, but maybe, just maybe will be just enough of a concession to Democratic centrists and Republican anythings to help Congress move forward on comprehensive climate legislation and begin the transition to cleaner fuels.

Since Republicans are always shrieking about the need to "drill baby, drill!" as their total solution to all things climate change-y, certainly Obama's new "drill where it's responsible" plan gets them more excited than Sarah Palin sportin' a black leather jacket and talkin' all sexy 'bout drillin' for black gold to a bunch of people dumber than her, who've never even seen the ocean, let alone Mother Russia from their front porch.

Right??

Ehhh, depends on whether House minority leader John Boehner was having his usual nic fit and electric beach cravings when delivering his fresh response about why Obama hates America now.

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) dismissed the president's plan as not going far enough in opening up U.S. waters for exploration.

Obama's decision "continues to defy the will of the American people," Boehner said in a statement, pointing to the president’s decision to open Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico waters, while leaving Pacific and many Alaskan waters largely closed to exploration.

"It's long past time for this Administration to stop delaying American energy production off all our shores and start listening to the American people who want an "all of the above" strategy to produce more American energy and create more jobs. Republicans are listening to the American people and have proposed a better solution–the American Energy Act–which will lower gas prices, increase American energy production, promote new clean and renewable sources of energy, and encourage greater efficiency and conservation."

The Republicans' plan also happens to cure cancer, eradicate world hunger, close the gap between rich and poor, educate the youth, increase literacy, end war, house the homeless, solve the riddle of life, and invent an actual color to describe the weird orange glow that is John Boehner's face.

Now if they only could figure out a way to get rid of that God-forsaken black menace always making them look so bad...

No, not Michael Steele, silly! He's tied up at the moment, anyway.

The one who actually has the power (and brains) to ram legislation down America's throats, Barack Hussein Obama, y'all!