What's The Only Thing Scarier Than War & Famine In Uganda? Gay People, Of Course!

Uganda's enlightened 15th century 21st century bill condemning terrible, no-good gays & lezzies, and all "active homosexuals living with HIV" to death (and probably not by chocolate!) or at the very least, life imprisonment for anyone known to participate in "homosexual acts," has been temporarily shelved, and only partially because it is batsh*t crazy.

The real problem with Uganda's death-to-queers bill is that the rest of civilized society doesn't seem quite as gung-ho as Uganda about hacking homos to death, and are putting their money where Uganda's machetes are, with international aid organizations, the U.S. State Department, President Barack Obama, and powerful, outspoken gays like Rep. Barney Frank threatening to withhold aid to the deeply impoverished nation.

Apparently, gay people are loathsome enough that they deserve to be roundly ridiculed, discriminated, and harassed, but not so despicable that they should actually be killed.

Which means gay people are off the hook, and free to continue destroying the moral fabric of poor, civil war-torn, Sub-Saharan African society with their cleanliness, fashion sense, and #1 favorite pastime  recruiting unsuspecting children (to the dark side) with go-go boots and Barbara Streisand sing-alongs, for now.

So you're saying there's still a chance (Jesus willing?) that the evil, hate bill will be reintroduced in the next legislative session? Keep your fingers crossed, people, so long as it is in a manly, perfectly hetero way, of course!

According to the Guardian:

With the current parliament about to be dissolved, the bill appears to have been put on hold indefinitely – but campaigners warned it could be reintroduced in the next session.
John Alimadi, an MP, told the Associated Press the bill may have been dropped from the agenda because of the worldwide outcry against it.
Campaigners welcomed the development. Christopher Seneno, a Ugandan bishop, said: "It's good news. We wouldn't like this bill even to be debated. That will be dangerous because there is a lot of misinformation and excitement. Just with the bill being debated, anything can happen to LGBT people."
Seneno admitted he did not know whether the bill was dead in the water or could be revived at a later date.

Uganda be kidding me. Idi-ocy, I say! Amin, really!

Dan Fanelli Needs Your Help To Make Florida The Next Great, Colorless State No One Likes Anymore

Some right-wing dingbat by the name of Dan Fanelli dreamt up a brilliant plan to win the GOP nomination and unseat terrible, outspoken liberal "BUM" Rep. Alan Grayson in sunny Florida, land of citrus groves, gated retirement communities, and old people barely tall enough to see over the steering wheel, using nothing but people's unsavory tendencies to stereotype would-be terrorists out of their deep fear of getting blown to bits by said perpetrators of such heinous crimes.

This is usually a winning strategy!

A sure-fire way to reclaim power in many parts of the U.S.A, but particularly places where they still fly the Confederate flag or enact legislation telling all brown people to immediately exit the parched desert landscape of Gila monsters and John McCain which they call home, the lovely whites-only state of Aryanzona.

Well, Fanelli is hoping to translate this hysterical momentum into a Sunshine State victory, with his heroic, new ad endorsing racial profiling of dirty and mostly evil A-rabs for airplanes, or anywhere else they like to join thousands of other people when traveling from point A to point B.

Because everyone knows all terrorists look alike! And another thing Mr. Fanelli knows is that terrorists are not white, good-looking, ripped, bald, dressed in business suits, or even business casual slacks and breathable cotton button-downs from Brooks Brothers.

They are however, burly and brown-skinned, with five o'clock shadows and a crazed, jihadist look in their darting, barbaric, always dark-colored eyes.

Which is why Fanelli understands it's time to stop all this PC nonsense at once, before more innocent minorities stop being randomly harassed by the long, discriminating arm of the law:

"It's time to stop this political correctness and the invasion of our privacy. Let's face it, if the good looking rich guy without much hair was flying airplanes into the twin towers, I'd have no problem being pulled out of line at the airport."

That's assuming that you, Dan, indeed fall under the umbrella of "good-looking," which unfortunately may be another of your many wild, dangerous assumptions.

Because wasn't the last swarthy fellow who tried to blow up a major airliner on Christmas Day, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a black man? From Nigeria?

Surely, we must profile them too, no? I mean it's high time someone started profiling the black population of this country. They've gotten away scot-free for too long! Perhaps they should spend some time in the white man's shoes, see how it feels to be systematically discriminated against and harassed all because you happen to be a non-color.

Wait, and wasn't that shoe bomber Richard Reid, Jamaican and British, and Joe Stack, who flew a plane into the IRS building in Austin (for freedom and lower taxes), also white?

Granted, the last one might not count because he flew his own, private plane into an awful government-run IRS building, which was probably filled with lazy Muslims anyway, making it not an act of domestic terrorism, but an act of national security and unbridled heroism.

Bottom line is, Lt. Commander Dan Fanelli (that's right, Lieutenant Dan, 'cept with legs, sans beard), a former Navy and commercial airline pilot, is absolutely positive he can stamp out dirty, rotten terrorists all across this great nation, no make that the world, if the American people would just give him a chance.

A chance to prove that beneath all the crazy, racist rhetoric and asinine suggestions to start plucking out every brown-colored man, woman, and child (you can never be too careful with these things!) for random pat-downs or full cavity searches, there is a warm, caring patriotic white, male American who simply wants to make the country he loves safe from gross, horrible Muslims and/or otherwise tanned people who look like they too might be scary Muslim-y terrorists, hell-bent on destroying America!

It's not like Fanelli is saying that "all terrorists look alike" or "darker people are more likely to be terrorists" or anything wildly offensive and highly ineffective as that, just that people from countries like Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Pakistan and Syria, and other cesspools of Islam "require a higher level of security," and that "racial profiling is good."

The ad, of course, is just an example of using a "little humor to make a point."

And boy is it funny!

Especially the part when Fanelli refers to himself as the "ripped, good-looking, white guy." That part is hilarious!!

Same goes for that other part when Fanelli plays a mentally retarded white supremacist who just escaped from the insane asylum.

Naaaaaailed it!

OMG, A Terrorist!!

Obama Uses Well-Placed Jokes, Vague Promises To Cool Off The Gays

Okay, okay, since I guess he has no choice but to squeeze in those pesky, equal rights-seeking gays at some point, what better time than on the heels of his newfound Nobel clout and the Senate's soon-to-pass hate crime legislation that protects who else but the world's favorite rainbow-colored scapegoat, the gays! (P.S. I don't remember George W. Bush ever passing any queer friendly anything, except maybe allowing Mary Cheney on the premises).

On Saturday night, President Barack Obama had the unique privilege of speaking to the nation's largest gay rights group at the Human Rights Campaign dinner, where he addressed all the ways he's failed to help the one community it's still okay to constitutionally neglect.

Although Obama wasn't slated to make any major announcements about Don't Ask Don't Tell or the Defense of Marriage Act in his speech--two policies he's totally against, just not enough to actually do anything about them--the President does plan on highlighting "incremental advancements" like acknowledging that gays and lesbians exist and admitting they are not in fact the flamboyant or flannel clad culprits behind 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the World Trade Center bombing, and all other societal ills.

"Despite the real gains that we've made, there are still laws to change and still hearts to open," Obama told the crowd, adding that discrimination needs to end, "whether in the office or the battlefield."

To those impatient gays and lesbos--who simply cannot wait another second for the same constitutional protections afforded to the rest of the nation--Obama assured them they have a friend in the White House, saying "do not doubt the path we are on or the destination we will reach."

He just has to take care of a couple other things like two wars, a failing economy, health care reform, the environment, immigration, and what to do about First Dog Bo's birthday first. Then, he's all yours!

But some gay activists and other rainbow-mafia types like the Atlantic's Andrew Sullivan are simply not satisfied with empty(?) words and promises, no matter how sincere and charismatic this charming man may be.

Sullivan thinks Obama just needs to do something and he's not talking about appointing a gay ambassador or extending federal benefits--though not the one anyone cares about, health insurance--to spouses of gay and lesbian federal workers. "Until then, Mr. President, why don't you have a nice steaming cup of shut-the-fuck-up?"

Whoa there Sully! But turns out he's not alone in his criticism.

"The administration is caught in a bit of a time warp, and they think it's 1993," said John Aravosis, founder of AmericaBlog. "They're trying to get credit for very B- and C-list moves."

You mean symbolic gestures meant to make the president seem "cool" with gay people—and thereby appeal to moderate mainstream voters—but don't secure anything substantive or new for gay people are B-and C-list moves?

Doesn't anything satisfy you people? I mean aside from Obama's kick-ass, queer-friendly opener to loosen up the black-tie crowd of about 3,000: "It is a privilege to be here tonight to open for Lady Gaga," the president told the crowd. "I've made it."

Hahahahahahahaha! Ya know, 'cause gays love Lady Gaga (and anyone else who makes Amy Winehouse and Elton John's wardrobe look like it wasn't strewn together by a homeless, color-blind prostitute after a 48-hour meth binge, for that matter).

Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/14/lady-gagas-vma-outfits-wi_n_285576.html

Either way, Obama's big speech to the gays included the obligatory "unwavering commitment" to achieving equal rights and waxing poetic about how a time will come when relationships between same sex couples are acknowledged as "just as real and admirable" as heterosexual relationships.

Just not this time.

"Many of you don't believe progress is happening. I want to be honest about that because it's important to be honest among friends," he said. "I said this before, I'll repeat it again, it's not important for me to tell you to be patient."

What is important is that you start learning that for yourselves. Now would you all just take a chill-pill please? I mean seriously people!

Obama Takes Break From Murdering Flies To Make Gays Feel Like Real Citizens

Liberal hippie Barack Obama has promised to do a lot of things, namely fix the economy, healthcare, Iraq, Afghanistan, and basically everything else Georgey managed to screw up completely. He also promised the gays he'd try to help make them first-class citizens, but excuuuuse him if his plate's been a little full!

So, with the pace of a sloth dipped in molasses, President Barack Obama signed a memorandum extending some federal benefits to same-sex partners of federal workers. Of course, the measure doesn't cover healthcare and retirement benefits, two of the things no one ever thinks about when they think about "employment benefits." Perhaps they'll get a discount on Nationals tickets or Lincoln Memorial tours instead?

As he signed the historic legislation into law, Obama said, "Extending equal benefits to the same-sex partners of Federal employees is the right thing to do," although he did note that by law, the government cannot grant gay couples the same range of benefits afforded to heterosexual couples. Sorry, gays, better luck next time.

Obama also reiterated his opposition to the Defense of Marriage Act, saying, "It's discriminatory, it interferes with States' rights, and it's time we overturned it."

But if you'll excuse him, he has a few flies to kill first.

AirTran Offers Apology For Its No Muslim Policy

AirTran's Family Of Terrorists?

AirTran Airways officially issued an apology on Friday for booting a Muslim family off a plane for being, well, Muslim.

The families of Atif Irfan, a tax attorney, and his brother Kashif Irfan, an anesthesiologist, along with their three small children, sister, and suspiciously Muslim friend were politely "escorted" off a flight in Washington Thursday after a terrorist-patrolling passenger reported hearing Atif Irfan's wife say something suspicious.

Or at least something suspicious if you and your family also happen to be wearing traditional Muslim headscarves and beards when walking through the aisle musing on the best place to sit in case of an accident, explosion, or other sort of emergency.

"We were [discussing whether it was safest to sit near] the wing, or the engine or the back or the front. But that's it. We didn't say anything else that would raise any suspicion."

Ha ha. Don't be silly. Here in America that's not only enough to get you and the other 8 Muslim-Americans in your party unceremoniously booted from the plane, but also barred from re-booking the flight, even after the FBI clears you of all charges and pleads with agents on your behalf.

If you wanted the friendly skies, you should have gone United.

AirTran: The Not-So Friendly Skies