Michael Steele Continues Trying His Very Hardest To Get Fired As America's Hottest Comedian & Coolest RNC Chairman...And Still Fails!

Oh Mikey, try as he might (and boy does he try!) to stop making his Grand Old Party look even more Grand Old Pathetic than it already is, there just doesn't seem to be any way for Mr. off-the-hook Chairman of youth to avoid repeating the same mindblowingly stupid mistakes over and over again. Just like some broken, old school hip-hop record. That's whack yo!

Truth is it has been like forever since Michael Steele said (or did) something dumb and outrageous to humiliate his Party on a national scale. Which in Michael Steele time, is only about two months or so, meaning El Chairman was waaaaaaay overdue to make another terrible gaffe to amuse the nation, and jeopardize his reign (though probably not) as the worst Republican National Committee Chairman in all its storied history of incompetent, brain-challenged leaders.

And this time it didn't even have to do with lesbian S&M bondage clubs or RNC policies of using racism as an actual strategy for the last 40+ years, so fat white slobs in the South vote for them. Hooray!

No, this time it has to do with a subject even closer to shriveled Republican hearts, their all-time favoritest activity and sacred nondenominational alter before which all Republicans bow: awesome war! More specifically, a fun little romp in the desert called the war in Afghanistan!

Speaking at a fundraiser in Connecticut, Michael Steele apparently forgot the two fundamental rules of the Republican Party: no one cares what the RNC Chairman says unless he says something crazy (which he always does), and never, under any circumstance, utter a single bad word about war, glorious war, which Republicans simply loooooove, and is always noble and just.

Keep in mind again, federal candidates, this was a war of Obama’s choosing. This is not something the United States had actively prosecuted or wanted to engage in...

That's right, people. 9/11 was a figment of our collective imaginations and that blissful, peace-filled eight-year reign of George W. Bush was little more than a fantastic never-ending dream America wishes was still enveloping them in its delicious warmth and comfort every night.

Otherwise, surely some young strapping patriot of freedom would have run up to the Chairman and stabbed him repeatedly for saying such an idiotic and meany thing...to sweet war, no less!

It was the president who was trying to be cute by half by flipping a script demonizing Iraq, while saying the battle really should be in Afghanistan. Well, if he’s such a student of history, has he not understood that you know that’s the one thing you don’t do, is engage in a land war in Afghanistan? All right, because everyone who has tried, over a thousand years of history, has failed. And there are reasons for that. There are other ways to engage in Afghanistan.

First off, someone really ought to tell Michael Steele that when being videotaped speaking in a circus tent and discussing sensitive subjects he isn't particularly well-versed on, a good idea would probably be to steer clear of offering misquoted foreign policy advice he stole from the movie Princess Bride, butchering Sicilian crime boss Vizzini's famous line "never get involved in a land war in Asia."

Inconceivable!

But Sir Chairman, what about his slightly less well-known: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!" What, you only steal lines that have to do with Asians and Arabs? Italy isn't good enough for you!? For shame!

Oh, and another thing while we're on the subject of saying asinine thing in public forums, try to avoid using the word "cute" when describing the war-time actions of a sitting U.S. President. Yeah, yeah we know, everything the guy does is adorable, but do his actions really merit the same adjective as a Bratz doll or Malibu Barbie? Think about it. Because unlike black leather whips and gagged & bound faux lesbo strippers, it cheapens us all.

But on the bright side, congrats to the Steele man on his very impressive scholarly grasp on the convoluted, bloody history of Afghanistan. Taking such complex issues and making them seem sooooo easy! Well done sir, well done!

Plus, he even managed to do the impossible: unite in agreement the Democratic National Committee and the wingnuts on the right like Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol who wrote this seemingly nice, but secretly loaded letter urging the beloved Chairman of gaffes and screw-ups to step down:

Dear Michael,
You are, I know, a patriot. So I ask you to consider, over this July 4 weekend, doing an act of service for the country you love: Resign as chairman of the Republican party. Your tenure has of course been marked by gaffes and embarrassments, but I for one have never paid much attention to them, and have never thought they would matter much to the success of the causes and principles we share...

There are, of course, those who think we should pull out of Afghanistan, and they’re certainly entitled to make their case. But one of them shouldn't be the chairman of the Republican party... 

Needless to say, the war in Afghanistan was not "a war of Obama's choosing." It has been prosecuted by the United States under Presidents Bush and Obama. Republicans have consistently supported the effort. Indeed, as the DNC Communications Director (of all people) has said, your statement "puts [you] at odds with about 100 percent of the Republican Party."

Which gasp, could only mean one thing: Steele baby got things right for once. OMG, quick, fire this man at once!

Wait! Steeley Klan has issued an update re-framing his views on the war, saying, "As we have learned throughout history, winning a war in Afghanistan is a difficult task," adding that, "There is no question that America must win the war on terror...We must also remember that after the tragedy of September 11, 2001, [the war] is also a necessary one."

Just like how after the many tragedies of his tenure as Chairman, Steele's resignation is also a necessary one.

Unlike that whole war thing.

But alas, Michael consider the warning words of your (fictional) hero Vizzini:

Am I going MAD, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass...And remember this, never forget this: when I found you, friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland Maryland!

Hell no he doesn't!

Good thing he does something stupid like this every few weeks or so, party leaders call for his head, he doesn't resign, the sun still rises in the East, sets in the West, the Earth continues to rotate on its axis, America gets wasted and explodes red, white, and blue combustibles for Independence, no one remembers anything by the time they return to work Tuesday morning, and everything returns to wondrous normalcy.

Only difference of course is instead of spectacular exploding for freedom, Republican leaders go back to their usual, boring imploding instead.

Liz Cheney's Solution To Bow-Gate: Choose Dick In 2012!

Dick Cheney's mutant golden-haired spawn Liz Cheney is full of great ideas. Like how if Obama really wanted to do the honorable thing, he'd take his farce of a peace prize and shove it right down the stupid Nobel committee members' throats. Or send the mother of a fallen American soldier to accept the prize just to remind those Nobel ingrates who exactly keeps them safe and snug every night.

Unlike NObama, Liz also knows the best way to keep America safe isn't through silly diplomacy or cultivating strong international allies or anything pussy like that. I mean who are we, France or something??

Like anyone's gonna take us seriously if we stop randomly invading sovereign nations, start adhering to international law, and suddenly stop pissing the whole world off just because it's fun.

Perhaps that's fine for community organizers in Chicago, but out in the real world, Barry's way just ain't gonna cut it. The O-man is in for a big surprise!

Take his recent trip to Asia for instance, where Comrade Barry made the unforgivable mistake of greeting Japanese Emperor Akihito with the traditional custom of bowing respectfully while shaking hands as a sign of honor. Gasp!

How dare he? Start with a bow and the next thing you know Obama's thanking them for Pearl Harbor and apologizing for that whole A-bomb thing. I mean, the past is the past people!

Liz for one would never endanger America by treating an important world leader and key global ally with respect and deference. And you know who else wouldn't? Dick, that's who!

In fact, when Dick met the emperor back in 2007, not only did Akihito not get a bow, the little man's lucky he didn't get a swift kick in the balls to go with it.

Let alone dither around with any of this "bow-gate" crap.

"You could also look at the comparison and think, Cheney 2012," Liz chimed in during a roundtable discussion on Fox News Sunday.

Which made the rest of the panelists hoot with delight!

Barely managing to contain his hysterical laughter at such sheer brilliance (and wit!), Bill Kristol quipped that, "Sarah Palin would never bow to the emperor of Japan. She wouldn't even curtsy to him."

Don't be silly, Bill! She doesn't even know what a curtsy is. Besides everyone knows Japan isn't a real country. It's just a faraway fantasy island they used for that giant gorilla movie. Donkey Kong or whatever.

Signs Of The Apocalypse? No, Just Dick Cheney's 2012 Presidential Hopes

Am I having night terrors or is Dick Cheney gearing up for a presidential run in 2012?

I know it sounds crazy. I mean the guy's not exactly Mr. Popular, let alone human, and yet there's just something about this guy that people find irresistible. So irresistible in fact, that no matter how hard we try (and believe me we've tried), we just can't seem to get rid of him.

Everywhere you look, it's Dick, Dick, Dick! Dick on the radio, Dick on TV, Dick doing talk shows, Dick doing the news.

And it's not just because of his beautiful mug. There are some other tell-tale signs that Dick Cheney might attempt to ride his charisma and charm right into White House contention.

1. The media blitz
At this point, someone should just give Dr. Doom his own show. Blah, blah, blah, pussy president Barack Obama is making us less safe, torture is good, and war is the only language the terrorists speak. Too bad Dick forgot one tiny little fact: More Americans were killed by terrorists on Cheney's watch than on any other leader's watch in U.S. history.

2. He hasn’t said he’s not running for president
OK, he also hasn't said he's the antichrist but we don't doubt that now do we?

3. Republicans are too scared to tell him not to
"Cheney continues to be a force among many members of our base, and while he is entirely unhelpful, no one has the standing to show him the door," writes the Washington Post. Would you want to be the messenger of that news to the Dark Lord of the Sith? Didn't think so.

4. He’s younger than John McCain
That's right. Despite having not one but four heart attacks under his belt (first one suffered at the prime age of 37) and a penchant for rocking a wheelchair from time to time, Dick Cheney is only 68 years old--a whole four years younger than that geezer John McCain. Which means in 2012, Dick would only be 72, the same age McCain was in 2008. But let me ask you this, how many heart attacks has Mr. Tough Guy Hanoi Prison survived?

5. He’s chosen himself before
In 2000, Dick Cheney was appointed to the head of George W. Bush’s vice-presidential search committee, only to decide the best candidate was well, himself. He did such a suberb job as VP, that eight years later, we can safely assume Dick's opinion of himself has only improved. Looks like it's time for a promotion! After all, his record speaks for itself.

6. It’d probably go better than last time
Sure when Dick Cheney almost ran for president in 1996, it was a long shot. He wasn't exactly a household name, didn't have a particularly large base of support, and certainly didn't have the impeccable record of service he's amassed since then.

But Republican Party analyst and Weekly Standard founder Bill Kristol knows there's something even bigger preventing Dick Cheney from a successful presidential bid.

"You have to be a little bit crazy to run for president...and Dick Cheney is a very sane man."

Must just be the rest of America that's insane.