Birthers Know Obama Probably Just Killed Bin Laden To Distract From The Birth Certificate Scandal In Their Heads

Okay, fine so President Barack Obama (if that is even his real name) managed to track down and kill that crazy, (man)-cave dwelling, bearded terrorist guy the U.S. has been desperately hunting for oh, I don't know, only about the last decade or so. Well, whoopdedoo for him!

Just because NObama happened to accomplish what no other leader (certainly not that last idiot cowboy in the White House) could and successfully bring to justice (aka shoot in head/dump in the North Arabian Sea) America's #1 most wanted terrorist, Osama bin Laden, while he was chilling in his own secluded suburban bachelor pad in Abbottabad, does not, I repeat does not, mean he is no longer a secret Muslim Socialist terrorist from Kendonesia, with nary a birth certificate/certificate of live birth to speak of.

Thank heavens, there's a group among us who understands these things. No, no not the schizophrenic population at the local psych ward, silly! I'm talking about the Birthers, of course! You know, that blessed, patriotic segment of the population that simply knows beyond the shadow of a doubt--call it a hunch (or racism!)--that Barack Hussein Obama/Barry Soetero/the scary black(ish) man in the White House is not a real U.S. citizen, but rather the evil, main cog in the vast global Jihad conspiracy to destroy the white man, in the form of a Hawaiian born, charming, mild-mannered half-black constitutional law professor with a funny name on Chicago's South Side.

Why else would he release his supposed birth certificate just days before announcing that 9/11 mastermind Osama bin Laden had been captured and killed, if not to dupe the dumb, unsuspecting public into forgetting all about his mysterious birth origins in the parched grasslands of deepest darkest Africa? For all we know, "Osama bin Laden" was nothing more than Sasha sitting atop Malia's shoulders covered in a ketchup-stained tunic followed by a minute or two on Photoshop.

Besides, Birthers are a very creative peoples!

President Obama finally gave them the one thing they asked for, and to avoid just having to shut the f**k up, they simply refuse to accept it, instead.

Hooray!

The truth is easy to avoid when you use a little imagination!

Just look at some of the rational, patriotic, sensible, adult Tea Party reactions to the release of Obama's birf certifkit. See kids, it's easy to be a lunatic wingnut, if you just put your mind to it!

 

Ugh, doesn't it just suck when facts hate your belief system??

Not that it matters anyway because no birth certificate in the world is gonna clear him of his greatest crime: presidenting while black.

And that's a fact.

Offensive, Racist Emails About Obama's Birthplace? Just (Monkey) Business As Usual For The Republicans!

When not participating in their other favorite pastime shrieking Muslim slurs at frightened children and their families attending a charity event, conservatives in Orange County, California typically return to their good, old fashioned racist roots in the form of some hilarious black-president-is-a-Socialist-monkey-from-Kenya email, picture, or other awesomely bigoted internet-related humor.

And guess what people?? They're getting better at it!

“It’s much more racist than the watermelon email,” a county party official said. Can you say mission accomplished!?

Thanks to the bitter old lady talents of one elected member of the Orange County Republican Party, ancient GOP official Marilyn Davenport, life for the gross, hell-bound, eternally damned gays isn't the only thing that gets better these days.

Life is also improving for terrible hate-filled lunatics, white supremacists, world famous dentist-lawyer-real-estate-agent-birther-freakshows named Orly Taitz, and of course those lovely pillars of the community like Marilyn Davenport who enjoy sending emails with the words, "Now you know why no birth certificate," accompanied by an Obama family portrait showing them as apes with Obama's face plastered on a baby chimpanzee.

OH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"I simply found it amusing regarding the character of Obama and all the questions surrounding his origin of birth," Davenport wrote. "In no way did I even consider the fact he's half black when I sent out the email. In fact, the thought never entered my mind until one or two other people tried to make this about race. . . . I received plenty of emails about George Bush that I didn't particularly like yet there was no 'cry' in the media about them."

So true. Leave it to the liberal mainstream media elites to ignore all the horrible, meany, racist jokes bein' sent around about America's first (and only!) conservative white Christian cowboy president of special needs.

Reached by telephone and asked if she thought the email was appropriate, Davenport said, “Oh, come on! Everybody who knows me knows that I am not a racist. It was a joke. I have friends who are black. Besides, I only sent it to a few people–mostly people I didn’t think would be upset by it.”

Like white people, duh! Besides, everyone knows black people are monkeys, but everyone also knows monkeys are awesome and adorable, so it's totally not racist. This is how jokes work, especially when you're a miserable old 80-year-old wretch who hates anyone whose skin tone does not rest comfortably between skim milk and marshmallow fluff.

Just ask longtime Orange Country (read: no blackies welcome!) Republican activist Tim Whitacre, who defended Davenport because that is what white people who hate black people do for each other.

"Marilyn Davenport is a staunch, ethical Republican lady. There is nothing unethical about this from a party standpoint because it wasn't sent out to the party at large with any racist statements and it wasn't signed as a central committee member. As a private individual, she is just real big on Birther stuff. One of her passions that drives her is the president's lack of forthrightness about where he was born. Marilyn believes that nobody knows where he was born and so this picture says a thousand words."

"She is not a perfect lady, but she is no racist. She is a gentle person who would feed you, help you, be there for you if you were in trouble. She is known as a pleasant, loving person, and it kills me that she is being attacked by this non-story knowing her mindset."

As an unhinged nutjob who no likey brown people?

Another GOP official, who also asked not to be identified, said that Davenport is "a really, really sweet old lady so I am surprised to hear about this."

For the rest of the population however, racist black-people-as-monkey jokes should probably be left to those not elected to represent one of the nation's two biggest political parties, like say those delightful patriots who named their movement after a sexual act involving testicles being (willingly or unwillingly) dipped in another participant's mouth.

Scott Baugh, chairman of the OC Republican Party, called the email tasteless, saying, "When I saw that email today I thought it was despicable. It is dripping with racism and it does not promote the type of message Orange County Republicans want to deliver to the public. I think she should consider stepping down as an elected official."

Michael J. Schroeder, an Orange County resident and former chairman of the California Republican Party, also said he was disgusted.

“This is a three strikes situation for Marilyn Davenport,” Schroeder said. “She was a passionate defender of former Newport Beach City Councilman Dick Nichols, who stated that he was voting against putting in more grass at Corona del Mar’s beach because, he said, there were already ‘too many Mexicans on the beach.’ She was also on the wrong side of the fence with the Los Alamitos mayor and his White House watermelon patch picture. Now, she has managed to top both of those incidents by comparing African Americans to monkeys. She has disgraced herself and needs to resign. If she doesn’t, the Republican Party must remove her.”

Remove her?? Haha, puh-lease! C'mon, do you even know the Republican Party? The racist li'l lady deserves a promotion!

Good thing, Marilyn Davenport knows sending racist emails is nothing to get worked up about.

"That being said, I will NOT resign my central committee position over this matter that the average person knows and agrees is much to do about nothing."

Unlike a certain monkey man from Kendonesia's birth origins, I suppose.

Quick someone alert the Donald! Looks like we just found him the perfect (non-primate) running mate.
Hey, The Marilyn Davenport, guess what you're hired!

Turn your hearing aid up, I SAID, YOU'RE HIRED!!!

What are you a monkey brain or something??

Like Everything Else About His Existence, Donald Trump's Birth Certificate Isn't Real Either

Obscenely rich, obscenely obnoxious, pretend presidential candidate Donald Trump is always looking for cool, exciting new gimmicks to help keep his fake presidential run in the news and fresh in people's mind, right next to Charlie Sheen's latest win (an eight ball?) and Chris Brown's cock shots.

Like when the Donald decided to take some time off from his very important job fake-firing and fake-hiring washed-up former celebrities to throw on his best confederate flag lapel and hop aboard the Birther express to see where the crazy wingnut train takes him.

Denny's? Arizona? The White House?

But, much like his oddly glowing skin, after a couple of days or so, the "Trump is a Birther" buzz began to fade, and Donald was once again left in the utterly desperate position of no one caring about him or his convenient new beliefs regarding the birthplace of our nation's first (and God-willing last!) black president of Socialism.

So what did he do? Released his beautiful birth certificate to right-wing rag Newsmax, where, much like the thick, flowing golden locks adorning his head, was also proven fake within a matter of hours.

Of course, you're probably thinking, but how on Earth could this yellow-tinted chicken scratch sheet that looks like something a fourth grader spent ten seconds creating on Microsoft Publisher or any 1990s banner/certificate-maker software, not be real?

Politico's Ben Smith writes:

It appears instead to be a hospital “certificate of birth,” meaning the piece of paper the hospital gave to his family saying he was born. Such a document typically has the signature of the hospital administrator and the attending physician.
Trump lawyer and advisor Michael Cohen didn’t respond to Haberman’s question about the document.
Trump’s mother, it should be noted, was born in Scotland, which is not part of the United States. His plane is registered in the Bahamas, also a foreign country. This fact pattern — along with the wave of new questions surrounding what he claims is a birth certificate — raises serious doubts about his eligibility to serve as President of the United States.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?? Since when does being the head of the Miss USA pageants not make you automatically eligible for President?

According to the Smoking Gun:

As seen above, he provided the conservative web site with what he purports to be his birth certificate. Except the document is not an official New York City birth certificate, but rather a document generated by Jamaica Hospital, where Trump's mother Mary reportedly gave birth in June 1946.
Official birth certificates are issued (and maintained) by the New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene's Office of Vital Records.
So, what is Trump trying to conceal?

Other than the fact that he is from JAMAICA?? Isn't it obvious, people? The illegal alien he is harboring on his head, duh! For all we know, he picked up the tangled ol' rat's nest along the Mexican border, plunked it atop his big, fat skull, whipped up one of his signature instant Donald Trump™ birth certificates and put it to task living and working illegally in these United States.

Hmmm, sounds suspiciously Kenyan.

Not that it matters anyway, because he's white, err, whitish orange.

Which begs the other even more pressing, unanswered question surrounding Trump, how can one man be worth soooooo much and still be so God damn worthless??

Donald Trump Pretending To Be A Birther & Viable Presidential Candidate; Still Refuses To Shake Hands With Poor Schmucks Like Voters

Donald Trump, the loud mouth, oddly discolored, über classy Celebrity Apprentice host who makes a living shrieking, "You're Fired!" at frightened underlings, is still pretending to be seriously contemplating a bid for the once-every-four-years chance to squander his own money to get embarrassingly crushed by Barack Obama in the presidential elections.

And hell no, he won't shake hands after, whaddya freakin' nuts or something?

Anyway, so yeah, Donald Trump is still a few months away from his self-imposed deadline (during sweeps week, no less!) on whether or not to toss his hat with a diamond encrusted capital T into the ring as America's greatest next president...of bad toupees & gaudy, overpriced buildings.

Which gives him approximately another four months to score cheap headlines and milk his li'l faux presidential run for all it's worth. And knowing the Donald, your broke ass won't be able to afford it, anyway, mwahahahaha!

But let's humor him anyway, shall we!?

Oh, look, today must be 'pretend to be a Birther Day' because any Republican worth anything has just got to make up some reason or another why Barack Obama couldn't possibly have been born in the ol' U.S. of A!

"Let me tell you, I'm a really smart guy. I was a really good student at the best school in the country. The reason I have a little doubt, just a little, is because he grew up and nobody knew him," Trump said in the interview that aired Thursday.

"If I got the nomination, if I decide to run, you may go back and interview people from my kindergarten. They'll remember me. Nobody comes forward. Nobody knows who he is until later in his life. It's very strange," the Celebrity Apprentice host added. "The whole thing is very strange."

Strange, huh? Even stranger are all the interviews that just magically appeared from various people in Obama's kindergarten class. Like say, his teacher, Katherine Nakamoto, who in 2009, described a 5-year-old Barry Obama to the Maui News: “He was a cute, likable, heavy build-child. I could visualize Barry smiling, dressed in his long-sleeved, white shirt tucked into his brown Bermuda shorts, and wearing laced shoes."

Weirdo!

Or his third-grade classmate at Noelani Elementary School, Scott Inoue, now a chiropractor in California, who has a photo hanging in his office, "Scott & Barry 3rd grade 1969."

"He was a lot taller than me; he towered above most of us. I don't know why I remember that photo, but maybe it's because he had one of those personalities. Possibly because he was the only African-American in a school predominantly attended by Japanese," Inoue said.

Or possibly because he was really a secret Muslim Terrorist Socialist...from Kenya!

So, where are all of Donald Trump's kindergarten or elementary school teachers and classmates, huh? He knows they'll remember him.

He's probably right, too!

After all, it's pretty hard to forget the fat red-faced bully with spit dribbling down his chin, stains on his shirt, boogers in his nose, who stole everyone's lunch money, ate all the teacher's glue, and whose Pennies-for-Pencils program turned out to be the most precocious, successful Ponzi scheme in elementary school history.

Guess greatness is born, not made.

Arizona, Proudly Scaring The Bejesus Out Of America Since 1912

America's lovely parched desert landscape of cacti and Gila monsters (no, not that otherworldly beast pictured above), plus plentiful racist, Mexican-hating wingnuts have helped make Arizona the majestic, Big-Government dependent, scorched used tire outlet, we Americans, know and love so well.

Throw in that confused old man who blessed the public with some lipstick wearing maverick pig before officially checking out of the rough road known as reality, en route to staving off some initialed-madman on horseback gunning for his senate seat. Add a dash of racist intolerance, a creeping fear of change, a pinch of immigrant hysteria, sprinkle in some racial profiling and discrimination, some birthers here, a few minutemen there, and you my friend have all the ingredients for the delicious new Alabama of the West, Aryanzona, the purest state since all the immigrant workers fled for greener pastures where there's still actual jobs and rule of law, not roving gangs of trigger-happy cops leading pogroms against Mexicans in the streets.

First, there is the not-at-all unconstitutional measure passed by the state legislature that would require police to stop anyone suspected of being an illegal immigrant. Meaning if you happen to live in Arizona, your skin is brown (or any color not snowflake white) and/or you have that whole "immigrant" look about you, you will be mercilessly harassed by lunatic cops on horses demanding your proof of residency before roundin' the whole family up and shipping 'em off someplace else where they take more kindly to foreign invaders who are fundamentally integral to the health of the economy.

"The Arizona Legislature has just stepped off the deep end of the immigration debate, passing a harsh and mean-spirited bill that would do little to stop illegal immigration. What it would do is lead to more racial profiling, hobble local law enforcement, and open government agencies to frivolous, politically driven lawsuits."

"The bill is a grab bag of measures to enlist law enforcement and government at every level to expose and expel the undocumented. Opponents say it verges on a police state, which sounds overblown until you read it."

"It would make not having immigration documents a new state misdemeanor, and allow officers to arrest anyone who could not immediately prove they were here legally. That means if you are brown-skinned and leave home without a wallet, you are in trouble."

Ooooh, sounds fun! If I ever want to give the kiddies a lesson about the good ol' days living in Hitler's Germany, I'll just gather the fam, pack into the old station wagon and head out west to show the li'l youngins how delightfully fun and full o' surprises living in a Gestapo-run police state really can be!

"The lunacy of rounding up people because they look a certain way, or are suspected of being in violation of immigration statutes, can only lead to one thing – violations of people's basic, fundamental civil rights. Profiling," Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) said.

Isn't that the point, Lou?

But supporters of the Arizona legislation, like the bill's primary sponsor, and advocate of 1950s deportation programs like "Operation Wetback," Republican State Sen. Russell Pearce, say it would give police the tools they need to combat violent crimes committed by illegal immigrants.

"Illegal is not a race, it's a crime," Pearce said.

Ignorance, on the other hand, is still legal in all 50 states.

"In the end, it all comes back to the president of the United States and whether he will put his back into comprehensive immigration reform," Gutierrez added.

Ummm, yeah that is if President Obama could actually go into Arizona without being swarmed by unhinged cops and militiamen seeing his chocolate-y hue, and immediately demanding his birth certificate and/or proof of citizenship.

Fresh off the heels of their new "Mexicans No Welcome" bill, Arizona's enlightened House of Representatives passed another measure requiring candidates for the U.S. presidency to provide their birth certificate to the Arizona secretary of state.

Which is obviously aimed at Mittens Romney (or whichever Republican candidate wins the chance to lose another election), not any particular half-black, secret Muslim from Kenya currently in the White House who will be running again in 2012.

"The Arizona House on Monday voted for a provision that would require President Barack Obama to show his birth certificate if he hopes to be on the state’s ballot when he runs for reelection. The House voted 31-22 to add the provision to a separate bill. The measure still faces a formal vote."

"It would require U.S. presidential candidates who want to appear on the ballot in Arizona to submit documents proving they meet the constitutional requirements to be president."

The Arizona Capitol Times reports:

Rep. Kyrsten Sinema, a Phoenix Democrat who voted against the measure, said the bill is one of several measures that are making Arizona "the laughing stock of the nation...I am ashamed that this is even a topic of discussion."

Oh Kyrsten, there's nothing to be ashamed of! We're used to these sorts of ass-backwards attempts "to take back the country" from Negroes, Mexicans, and other undesirables stealin' America from the poor, disenfranchised white man, courtesy of the great state of Arizona. I mean we are talking about the same state that refused to honor Martin Luther King Jr., with a federal holiday because what the hell did he even do anyway?

So the man gave a few good speeches about having dreams...well so did Sarah Palin (even if her dreams were about drillin' baby drillin' for oil in every protected wildlife reserve in Alaska, for equality), and you don't see the whole country trying to honor her with a federal holiday, now do you?

So stop slacking Arizona!

Why stop now? Hopefully, Republican Governor Jan Brewer will stop dillydallying and sign the soon-to-be "Birther Bill" and Nazi anti-immigrant law already sitting on her antique mahogany desk, so the Grand Canyon State can once again seal its fate as the stupidest, most bigoted state in all our precious union.

And John McCain can resume his favorite role terrifying the nation's kiddies and dumbfounding the scientific community as to what the hell kind of grotesque species of God knows what, has the ability to morph from a one-time defender of brown people, into a semi-coherent, slightly senile, Mexican-hatin' Senator who traded his soul for a chance to ride the Sarah Palin Maverick Express straight into eternal damnation, brimstone and hellfire.

With a quick pit stop in Washington, DC, first.

GOP's Insane Billboards Of Hate Coming To A Highway Near You!

Remember that crazy Cartoon Network fundraising PowerPoint the Republicans used to patronize prospective donors while begging for their loose change as part of the brilliant GOP strategy of simultaneously insulting and scaring the shit out of the American people?

Of course you don't, since apparently no Republicans remember it either, preferring instead to pretend the hideous monster they created then magically forgot two days later was simply a figure of everyone else's imagination. Certainly nothing any self-respecting Grand Old Party member would ever concoct. Not this GOP, no sir-ee!

Buuuuut, let's say the Republican National Committee did in fact create this embarrassingly demented, stunningly cynical and stupid PowerPoint presentation in order to capitalize on the growing Obama Derangement Syndrome currently rearing its ugly head on protest posters, anonymous email-chains, highway billboards and anywhere wingnuts, nutjobs and assorted other nuts of the right are found. Is that really soooooo bad?

Clearly, cries of Socialism and Soviet hammer and sickles, crazy Birther plots, the president-as-a-secret-Muslim-terrorist-from-Kenya conspiracies, and calls for armed revolution against a democratically elected U.S. government, all in the name of freedom, is evidence of mounting populist frustration, not a bunch of rogue rednecks, racists, and rejects, stoked for partisan gain by RNC Finance Director Rob Bickhart in his artfully brilliant nod to Joseph Goebbels, aka the RNC's "Evil Empire, Obama-as-Joker" playbook.

But, even before the RNC's fear-based, intelligence-insulting PowerPoint propaganda became a public source of humiliation, its impact was already all around us--crazed teabaggers storming Senate offices to spontaneously die in protest of health care reform, wingnut secessionist rallies, and Jesus Freaks, gun nuts, and crazy Oath Keepers all coming out of the woodwork, waving Obama Nazi signs to protest the worst Socialist threat since Adolf Hitler tried to get affordable health reform for Jews back in 1944.

And now, thanks to the Grand Old Propaganda of the Grand Old Party to poison the president and scare the people, Obama Derangement Syndrome is being field-tested across roadside America, with racism, ignorance, and sheer wingnuttery dotting heartland highways stretching far and wide through these great United States.

So the next time you're cruising along Route 66 and see a scary black man with a Hitler mustache and the words "NObama's comin' for yer gunz" next to an aborted fetus and two homos exchanging vows (gasp!), you'll be happy to know there is at least one party who cares about good, old-fashioned American values like white robes, pointed hats, and putting charming Negros back where they belong: sweating in a vast field of cotton under the blazing Kenyan sun.

The Birthermercial: The Worst Thing To Happen To Birthers Since Orly Taitz!

Just when you thought the whackjobs and weirdos behind the Obama birther movement couldn't stoop any lower than trusting a Russian-born California real-estate agent-attorney-dentist to lead the feverish charge against the illegitimate presidency of Kenya's own Barack Hussein Obama, out comes a new birther infomercial. The world's first-ever birthermercial!

Yes, my friends, for the bargain basement price of $30 you too can get your very own "got a birth certificate?" bumper sticker and have your name added to a spam fax sent to the Justice Department and the 50 state Attorneys General demanding that that Mr. NObama produce his real birth certificate and not the "certificate of live birth" bologna they keep shoving down our throats. I mean enough is enough people!

But that's not all. Act now and you too can get a "special look at where Barack Hussein Obama was really born" courtesy of the community-access production values, heavy use of menacing string music and, as always, the sketchy used car salesmen-like stars you'd expect from a birthermercial.

Men like attorney and executive director of the birther group United States Justice Foundation, Gary Kreep, who ironically is nothing like his thick wire-rimmed glasses, squirly mustache, greasy hair, cheap unmatching suit, and LAST NAME would suggest. Nothing at all. Promise!

Same goes for producer and host of the program, fundamentalist Christian minister Bill Keller, who found God shortly after finding himself imprisoned on an insider trading conviction in the late 1980s.

In between interviews with Kreep and tempting viewers with their specially-created 'got a birth certificate?' bumper stickers, Keller kindly reminds those watching to add their name to "a petition going to GOP leaders to force President Obama to obey the law."

"Thank you for watching this very special presentation. This is a legitimate issue. Don't let people tell you otherwise. If the man was not born in Hawaii as he claims, he is not legally president."

Sort of like if the man found Jesus while in San Quentin, he is not legally qualified to be trusted on anything except producing some of the most God-awful, embarrassing blight of paid programming the world has ever seen. Snuggie included.

When Will The Chosen One Choose The Gays?

After eight loooong years of George W. Bush, those insatiable gays were finally ready for a president who doesn't believe Hurricane Katrina was God's way of showing his disapproval of their sinful lifestyle.

So when Barack Obama actually defeated that nice old man from Arizona to become America's first half-black president in history and the first semi-gay friendly prez in almost a decade, Americas' queers were overjoyed. Could Obama be the rainbow messiah they've been waiting for?

For starters, he wasn't afraid to say the dreaded three-letter word most candidates find any excuse possible to avoid. He called them by name. He said the word gay (gasp!). At not just when when he had to. But at black churches, in his speech to the decidedly non gay-loving NAACP, and even on election night. In all fairness, he also mentioned that other hedonist group, the atheists, and they're even worse than the gays!

Yes, Obama seemed a far cry from the country's straight white presidential past, and so while he worked to stimulate the economy back from the ravaged pit of despair left in Dubya's wake, figure out exit strategies from not one but two wars, help protect the environment, and reform health care so that uninsured Americans have more options than what color wooden casket they'd like, gays and lesbians sat patiently waiting for him to answer their prayers for equality.

In the meantime, momentum for the gays keeps building--in the courts, in legislatures, in the gay meccas of Iowa and New England. Hell, even freakin' Dick Cheney suddenly showed a soft spot for the gays, and not just cause daughter Mary is one of 'em but because he cares about justice and equality for every citizen of this great nation. Ha ha I'm just playing, it's totally because of her, well that, and the fact that he'll do anything to give Barry a hard time.

So the question remains what's a gay to do with Barry? Should they hate him for not doing more to overturn "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" or the Defense of Marriage Act? For not waving his magic wand and instantly granting America's favorite scapegoat of sin the rights they always heard about but never had? Rights that convicted felons enjoy like the freedom to serve in the military or have a quickie wedding in Vegas by a priest who also happens to be Elvis.

Some, like GLBT rabblerouser and big-time Democratic fundraiser Bruce Bastian, think this is a moral battle, and with truth on their side, it's time to stop being so god damn understanding.

"The President and Congress have really big items on their plate. I’m sure some politicians think, Why can’t the gays be patient? Well, every day that we’re patient we have more gay kids killing themselves. We have more soldiers getting their careers destroyed. We have more religious bigots convincing people to stay in the closet. You can’t get rid of bigotry with legislation, but you certainly can stall it. You can shut it up. Every day that we sit quiet and stay patient, we are losing people."

In other words, less articulate cogent arguments, more insane ramblings and mind-blowing disregard for reality. Just think of it like a Birther and ask yourself "What Would Orly Taitz Do?"

New Poll Finds 58 Percent Of Republicans Are Actually Insane Birthers

It is no secret that the Republican Party is in the midst of a severe identity crisis. They just can't decide who they are or what they want to be! Are they a proud group of fiscal conservatives with a healthy aversion to big, bad government? Or are they the party of kooks and wingnuts who hate the coloreds so much they'll do anything to prove Barack Hussein Obama isn't a real citizen of White, Christian America, even if it means listening to a blue-eye shadow loving Jewish dentist-lawyer-real estate agent...from Russia (gasp!)?

Turns out they're the latter. Surprise!

A whopping 58 percent of self-identified Republicans (yes, they still make those) either think President B. Hussein Obama wasn't born in the United States (28 percent) or aren't quite sure (30 percent) where the hell this secret Muslim elitist came from (Hint: Kenya). You can never trust those certificates of live birth nowadays!

True, 42 percent of loyal GOPers do concede Obama is a natural born citizen of the U.S. of A, but no one cares what these pseudo-Republicans think anyway since they obviously don't care about America being hijacked by a Muslim socialist.

Perhaps the biggest surprise from this fun little poll of craziness is the farther South you go and older you get, the more you start believing the crazy, (not) lightly-veiled racist rantings of pill-popping talk radio god Rush Limbaugh and insane Fox News host Glenn "Madman" Beck.

Luckily, 77 percent of Americans in general think the president is actually a U.S. citizen and not a migrant Kenyan. Which means not everyone in the country is a Republican or a 75-year old former Klansmen with two-teeth, a loaded shotgun, hair-trigger temper, and a zero-tolerance policy for any Negro, Jew or Homo who wanders onto his front lawn.

Dr. Orly Taitz, Esq. For All Your Tooth, Shelter And Fraudulent President Needs

Orly Taitz, the busy, Russian-born, California real estate agent-attorney-dentist who's also leading the "Birther" movement in its feverish charge against the illegitimate presidency of America's first non-American president, migrant Kenyan Barack Hussein Obama, has taken her quest for truth and sanity to the GOP holyland, the Internets!

Taitz' tireless efforts to expose Barack Obama as the U.S. citizen he is not and the secret Muslim terrorist that he is has finally paid off. She even has the high-profile Facebook "friends" to prove it! Friends like Republican National Committee Chairman of Hip Hop Michael Steele, House Republican Whip Eric Cantor and GOP Representatives no one's ever heard of, Mary Bono Mack and Cynthia Lummis. Wooohooo!

“I am in total disbelief and greatly honored,” Taitz blogged after Cantor accepted her as one of his illustrious Facebook friends. OMG LOL!

“To me it means that the leadership of the Republican party understands the importance of the issues and legal cases I brought forward. I hope more congressmen and senators join and either become additional plaintiffs or bring to the House and Senate judicial committee hearings the issues of Obama’s illegitimacy to presidency as well as suspected illegal activities by Obama and his supporters."

Despite pleas from her powerful new friends not to make too much of the "friendships" because they "mean nothing," Orly Taitz will not be swayed. She knows their acceptance of her on Facebook means they too can't rest until that fraud Barack Hussein Obama is removed from office and sent back to Africa where he belongs.

"It is a very important issue, one that politicians should have taken up a long time ago."

Too bad it took eight months for a sane, enlightened patriot like Orly Taitz to finally scare these slothful legislators into action. But thanks to dedicated, thrice-employed birthers like her, lawmakers everywhere "should be prepared to resign or be removed if they do not have the guts to stand for the Constitution and this country."

Or the guts to trust the Jewish (?) version of Tammy Faye Baker on the validity of anything other than how to use the settlement damages from your botched root canal to buy the house of your dreams!

Thanks Orly, You're The Best!

Barack Hussein Obama Fools The World!

The whackjobs and conspiracy theorists behind the Obama "birther" movement spend their days traipsing around the country bitching, moaning, and filing lawsuits against Barack Hussein Obama's illegal presidency based on the figment of their imagination that Barry was born in Kenya and not Honolulu as his birth certificate would like you to believe.

Also involved in this elaborate hoax of course are his parents, friends, relatives, in-laws, and government officials at every level, from both parties, spanning several generations. Maybe the printing press and ink manufacturers too. Who knows?

Maybe even former State Department official and vice-presidential daughter Liz "Dick" Cheney who despite being presented with overwhelming evidence to the contrary, still refused to distance herself from the crazies in her party who insist Obama is not a natural born citizen, but an ILLEGAL ALIEN. Gasp!

The truth is Lizzy understands where the birthers are coming from--and it's not just the mental hospital.

"I think the Democrats have got more crazies than the Republicans do. But setting that aside, one of the reasons you see people so concerned about this, I think this issue is, people are uncomfortable with having for the first time ever, I think, a president who seems so reluctant to defend the nation overseas..."

Of course, she's not saying that Barack Hussein Obama was born in Kenya or anything, just that, "People are fundamentally uncomfortable and fundamentally I think increasingly uncomfortable with an American president who seems to be afraid to defend America, stand up for what we believe in."

Like a White, Christian nation that's been hijacked by an undocumented, migrant Kenyan with extreme socialist tendencies who has managed to pull off the greatest heist the world has ever seen!

And to think, Miss Cheney would actually question the birthplace of another when she hasn't even cleared up the rumors that her own father is actually the mutant offspring of Slimer and a goat.