Barking Blue Dogs Unleash On ObamaCare!

Down Boy, Down!

That's a nice doggy. The adorably-nicknamed Blue Dog Coalition--those not-at-all opportunistic moderate and conservative Democrats in the House--have finally stopped snarling about Obama's doomsday Health Care plan to ruin America and turn its health system into Cuba's or even worse, Canada's.

Of course much work remains, but the growling Blue Dogs have finally agreed to support ObamaCare without sacrificing anything too major, like actually helping the millions of uninsured Americans be able to pay for more than generic cough syrup and a plain wooden casket to host their sorry, indigent bodies.

Which is good news 'cause now the House should be able to pass a decent health reform bill, as long as Colorless Dog Whisperer Chairman Henry Waxman cuts its costs by $100 billion and Democrats postpone a House vote until after lawmakers return from their much-deserved August recess. Doing nothing can be so exhausting!

Even Mr. Health Care himself Barack Obama was pleased with the progress.

“I want to thank the members of both the Senate and House of Representatives for continuing their work on health reform to provide more stability and security for Americans who have insurance, and quality, affordable coverage for those who don't. I'm especially grateful that so many members, including some Blue Dogs on the Energy and Commerce Committee, are working so hard to find common ground. Those efforts are extraordinarily constructive in strengthening this legislation and bringing down its cost.”

So kudos to the Blue Dogs for their tireless efforts to accomplish something other than getting elected on the sole basis of not being a Republican.

Thanks to all their barking, we get to wait 'til September for our perfectly good health care system to go to socialized hell. But by then our tans will have faded, we'll probably be dead from swine flu, and no one will even care anymore!

Bush To Texas: Et Tu, Longhorns?

Even Cowboys Get The Blues

Aww, Texas, not you too! George W. Bush may not give a damn what the rest of America thinks, but the fact that Texas' onetime favorite son is now about as popular as a swine flu-infected Mexican just about breaks ol' Dubya's little Lone Star heart.

Sure, the Texas GOP provided W with the necessary experience as governor, much of the money, and more than 10 percent of the electoral votes needed to put George W. Bush in the White House and keep him there for two hell-raising, hook 'em terms. But that doesn't mean they're responsible for him now that he's become as popular as the one Jewish family in Corpus Christi.

You see, loyalty only goes so far around here. Thanks to the "toxic" environment Dubya's created for the state's GOP, Republicans don't want to touch the guy with a ten-foot stick.

"There’s no reason for anyone at this point to embrace the former president...People have their own battles to fight. Why would they want to go back and try to defend torture or anything else? Why would we go back and try to defend the guy who doubled the debt in the last eight years?”

Fair enough. Better to just secede and be done with it. But, just remember if you go, you're taking Georgey boy with you!

What A Long Strange (100 Day) Trip It's Been!

100 down, 265 to go. Repeat three times and voila! Barack Obama's first term is officially in the history books. What a wild ride it's been so far!

So, what has Barry managed to accomplish in his first 100 days in office, aside from insult the Special Olympics and the entire disabled community, hobnob with Hollywood stars and athletes, get a dog not from a shelter as promised but from a Kennedy, pal around with dangerous Socialists like Hugo Chavez and those two Castros, and embark on the first part of his master plan to turn America into Soviet Russia.

But President Obama's communist reign of terror doesn't end there.

Not by a long shot.

Obama has also spent these first 100 days gutting many of George W. Bush's brilliant policies, undoing eight years of his hard work keeping America safe by destroying the economy, raping the environment, flushing the Geneva Convention (and Constitution) down one of Gitmo's toilets, once they unclog the damn Koran stuck in the drain, and showing the world what happens when you mess with the mighty Red, White, and Blue.

Makes you miss the good old days. When someone competent was in office. Instead of Mr. 3-D-loving cool guy we call President now. I mean if the guy can't even stop crazy pig diseases from attacking the United States, how the hell is he gonna stop the terrorists!?

Covering their mouths and washing their hands?

Sen. Arlen Specter Abandons Sinking Ship, Jumps Aboard Obama's Democratic Hope Train

OMG, breaking news! Pennyslvania Senator Arlen Specter has finally crossed over to the dark side and joined the godless Democrats, moving them one-step closer to the coveted 60-seat filibuster-proof majority. And moving Republicans one step closer to absolute and utter irrelevance.

Specter's decision to join Comrade Barry's Democratic revolution comes after realizing his party has become a bunch of teabagging morons with no direction, no leader, and no hope ever since that charismatic secret Muslim dude came and sucked all the life out of it. That, and the fact, that he hasn't really agreed with a damn thing his party stands for in oh, i don't know, the last decade or so, even before that Alaskan hussy Sarah Palin came along and almost ruined America.

"Since my election in 1980, as part of the Reagan Big Tent, the Republican Party has moved far to the right. Last year, more than 200,000 Republicans in Pennsylvania changed their registration to become Democrats. I now find my political philosophy more in line with Democrats than Republicans."

But some, like RNC Chairman Michael Steele, know the truth about no-good RINOs like Arlen Specter.

"Let's be honest--Sen. Specter didn't leave the GOP based on principles of any kind. He left to further his personal political interests because he knew that he was going to lose a Republican primary due to his left-wing voting record."

Damn Arlen Specter! It took him this long to realize moderates are as welcome in the Republican party as a busload of swine-flu infected illegal aliens (gasp!) trying to get into the United States!?

Please God Tell Me This Isn't My Party

Torture, Pig Flu, Sleeping Economists, Oh My!

Hollywood Squares, Crazy Global Edition!

What a week it's been here in the good ol' USA. That is, if you've managed to survive the latest import from our friendly southern neighbor (and not fun illegal stuff like drugs), but the lovely swine flu outbreak. Gracias Mexico! Nothing's sexier than dirty pig disease.

If you still have your health, congratulations, you're in for a real treat.

Let's start at the top, with our old friend John S. McCain, proud father of world famous blogger Meghan McCain and America's resident torture expert. Now Johnny admits that torture is bad and terrible and all (though it does make a GREAT story), but he also knows now is not the time to settle old political scores. It is time to put this whole thing behind us and move forward.

After all, the U.S. did make a commitment never to do this again (ok ok, so they forgot the whole "Geneva Convention" thing but no biggie), and Johnny knows no administration would ever lie. They promised. So there is no need to criminalize or hold anyone accountable for their actions because justice has already been served in the court of public opinion. So let's just forget it and "move on" and if you don't like it, he will be happy to give you the old Hanoi treatment and staple your god damn tongue to your stupid head.

Meanwhile, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continued his tenure as the world's most dapper bearded madman by saying he's ready to back a two-state solution in the Middle East if the Palestinians approve a peace agreement with Israel.

"Whatever decision they take is fine with us...we will support that." he said. "We are not going to determine anything."

Which sounds normal enough--if it wasn't for the one tiny little problem of Israel's existence and his repeated calls for it to be "wiped off the map." Other than that, denying the Holocaust, the occasional Zionist rant, and his country's secret nuclear aspirations, all is good with Mahmoud. Trust me, his word is bond.

Next we have bestselling author and arugula-eating elitist (aka contributor to the New Yorker), Malcolm Gladwell explaining why America is headed to the toilet and why Asians (especially Koreans) are so much better than dumb behemoths like you and me. Hint: It has something to do with being obsessed with ourselves, not to mention selfish, slothful and lazy, while our Asian counterparts diligently work together as they quietly take over the world.

Which brings us to Lawrence Summers, Obama's top economic adviser and notorious "serial dozer." Sure, you've seen him yawning, you've seen him sleeping, and now you can see him talking. There, you will learn that it is not President Obama's speeches that cause "Summy" to immediately lapse into REM sleep, but rather the mind-blowingly boring credit card companies and their stupid fine print. But don't worry, Mr. Summers is monitoring the situation very carefully and is confident the Obama administration is on the right path.

"There's work that needs to be done, but we're in a good position to provide the support and set the framework in which the banking system can move along the process of recovery and...Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Oh, ooops. He'll be ready right after a little 20 minute power nap.