American Police Force: For All Your Sketchy, Private Security Needs!

What do you get when you cross a terrifying, quasi-legal private security company with a fancy, unused public jail in some bumblef**k town in Montana?

Give up? Why, it's Hardin, Montana's American Police Force of course! For all your taking over empty jails in the middle of nowhere for mysterious reasons needs!

But that's not all. For an undisclosed sum (the town gets a cool $2 million per year), you too can have your very own 10-year contract for a 400-bed detention facility, complete with 50 acres of land, no questions asked, and the freedom to invest as many millions as your heart desires to create the War Facility of your dreams.

So with Hardin, MT's aspirations of bringing al-Qaeda to Big Sky Country as America's shiny new Gitmo dashed by Montana's furious three-man Congressional delegation, the town has instead pinned its hopes on a much safer bet: American Police Force (APF), "a shadowy private security company that has no known clients but claims to have helped foreign governments combat terrorism and will protect anything from cruise ships to Pakistani convoys."

But that's not all they'll do. The caring folks at APF offer a wide range of services for all your security desires, including "Check Your Mate" cheating spouses investigations, "fugitive recovery" for fugitives hiding in one of those pesky non-extradition countries and will even help if a loved one is kidnapped and held for ransom. What sweethearts!

Talking Points Memo brings the scoop:

Our highly trained staff will discover information that fits your needs to get the answers you need. Some of our services include Kidknapping & Ransoms for ransom, INTL Air Marshalls, Security for convoys in Iraq, Pakistan + More!

Although the firm provides SWAT training and convoy security in war zones and has "interdicted weapons of mass destruction," it also takes your marriage seriously.

Infidelity, Adultery, Cheating, and being unfaithful might all have a different definition in your mind but at APF its a category all by its lonesome. Married husbands and wives will typically call untrustworthy loved ones adultery or infidelity. In the non-marital relationships its commonly known as cheating and we can help you figure out what's really going on.

They even have something called "covert pregnancy testing." Oooh, sounds sexy!

Plus if you're ever feeling a tad revolutionary or perhaps just craving a military coup, simply check out APF's "weapons" page for the best deals on machine guns, satellite phones, armored cars, and "nuclear/biological/chemical (WMD)."

So remember, for those times when a hunting rifle just won't do, APF is your one-stop special-ops shop.

And you can feel good knowing that the head of the company is such a sketchball that the best title anyone can give him is a "California-based grifter" and naturalized U.S. citizen originally from Montenegro who goes by the name Michael Hilton.

Basically take the biggest freakshow creep from your high school shop class, tack on an extensive criminal record and you my friend have APF founder Michael Hilton in a nutshell!

Emphasis on the nut.

Guantanamo Bay: Club Med For Terrorists!

For all the bitching and moaning about Guantanamo Bay, you would think the place is some nightmarish detention center instead of the luxury spa retreat it really is.

It's soooo nice and relaxing in fact that some lucky inhabitants will do just about anything to stay. Like 31-year-old Muhammad Ahmad Abdallah Salih who loved the place so much he decided he just couldn't leave. Ever.

So, after almost eight years of unlawful detention without charges, Salih decided to become the fifth person to make Guantanamo their permanent residence and final resting place.

And how can you blame him? Where else can you live rent-free, have a 24-hour doorman, and still get all the creature comforts like being waterboarded using only ice-cold bottled water straight from the fridge?

It's the little things like these that make Gitmo so irresistible, it's almost impossible to leave.

What A Long Strange (100 Day) Trip It's Been!

100 down, 265 to go. Repeat three times and voila! Barack Obama's first term is officially in the history books. What a wild ride it's been so far!

So, what has Barry managed to accomplish in his first 100 days in office, aside from insult the Special Olympics and the entire disabled community, hobnob with Hollywood stars and athletes, get a dog not from a shelter as promised but from a Kennedy, pal around with dangerous Socialists like Hugo Chavez and those two Castros, and embark on the first part of his master plan to turn America into Soviet Russia.

But President Obama's communist reign of terror doesn't end there.

Not by a long shot.

Obama has also spent these first 100 days gutting many of George W. Bush's brilliant policies, undoing eight years of his hard work keeping America safe by destroying the economy, raping the environment, flushing the Geneva Convention (and Constitution) down one of Gitmo's toilets, once they unclog the damn Koran stuck in the drain, and showing the world what happens when you mess with the mighty Red, White, and Blue.

Makes you miss the good old days. When someone competent was in office. Instead of Mr. 3-D-loving cool guy we call President now. I mean if the guy can't even stop crazy pig diseases from attacking the United States, how the hell is he gonna stop the terrorists!?

Covering their mouths and washing their hands?