Somewhere Over The Rainbow, There's A Skinny Blond Alien Woman Who Hates You, But Will Gladly Take Your Gay Money Anyway!

Are you a self-hating fag or dyke who enjoys getting heckled, harassed, mistreated, discriminated and/or all around abused by the wonderful homophobic (closeted?), fear-mongering, hate-spewing, queer-bashing nutjobs on the right?

If so, then boy do we have the the event for you!

For the bargain price of one pair of Gucci shoes, (or if you're more of the high-rolling sponsorship type, the price of a Gucci suit), you too can reserve your very own spot for the hottest thing to hit New York since the scourge of homosexuality caused those two planes to crash into the World Trade Center, GOProud's first annual Homocon 2010 bash "celebrating gay conservatives." All six of them!

Woooohoooo! And as if that weren't fabulous enough, headlining this one-of-a-kind Republican-sponsored Gay Old Party, is none other than "the right-wing Judy Garland" the inimitable poster chick for insanely spindly limbs and equally insane thoughts, giraffe-necked giant of crazy Christians everywhere Ann Hart Coulter (I know, I know irrrrronic!).

Well Miss 50ft Thang over here loooooooooves them rainbows sooooooooooo much, GOProud figured which long-limbed lunatic better to represent the stylish, well-groomed, pink-hued minority she's always prattling on about than her bad, gay-bashing self?

"The gay left has done their best to take all the fun out of politics, with their endless list of boycotts and protests," said Christopher Barron, chairman of the board of GOProud. "Homocon is going to be our annual effort to counter the 'no fun police’ on the left. I can’t think of any conservative more fun to headline our inaugural party then the self-professed ‘right-wing Judy Garland’ — Ann Coulter."

Soooooooo true! I mean unlike those lame 'no fun police" on the gay left always whinin' 'n wailin' about dumb equality and constitutional rights for the LGBT community, these fabulous fashionistas on the right prefer to have their fun the fundamentalist way, complete with awesome headliners who'd love nothing more than to round 'em all up and ship 'em off somewhere far, far away like Barry's African homeland, where they can be with the rest of their untamed, wildebeest brethren.

Referring to recent incidents in which individuals against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" chained themselves to the White House fence, Barron added, “I can promise you, Homocon 2010 will be a hell of a lot more fun than chaining yourself to the White House fence."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Totes! Because everyone knows handcuffs should never be used to protest terrible, discriminatory policies that unfairly target a specific group because of their sexual orientation, silly! They should only be used during off-the-hook RNC fund-raising gigs at lesbian S&M clubs. Like, duh! Any moron off the streets could tell you that, even freakin' walking disaster Michael Steele, for reals yo!

But either way, certainly there is no better choice than the Judy Garland of radicals and white supremacists to drum up excitement for an event whose invitation includes the sage, scientifically sound declaration, "Our gays are more macho than their straights!"

They so are! Especially when pretending to be straight, while secretly getting sucked and f**ked by some hot man tail, all the while using their strapping white hetero power and vote to keep dem deviant, eternally damned queers in the closet with the rest of the "straight" Republicans already sardine-packed, sweaty and tight, in there.

For those not familiar with Miss Coulter's extensive, dedicated past efforts advancing the rights of gays and lesbians throughout America, let's take a look at some of our sweet, sinewy spokeswoman's finer, more memorable LGBT moments.

Like her most recent rant against that “irritating lesbian," 18-year-old Mississippi activist Constance McMillen, claiming that heterosexual-only proms aren’t civil rights violations. Ugh, when will those dumb dykes learn their civil rights to dance to Kei$ha and get felt up by the cheerleading captain quarterback are not the same as a a beautiful, normal straight person who actually has a shot to be crowned this year's prom queen?? I mean can't they just stick to their flannel shirts and field hockey and be done with it?

Or back in 2007 when she so lovingly dropped the f-bomb, referring to then-presidential candidate, and still-not-yet-universally-despised-philanderer, John Edwards as a "faggot."

"I was going to have a few comments on the other presidential candidate John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot,'" Coulter said while speaking at the Conservative Political Action Conference in 2007.

Awww, snap! So, guess that means Ann will be joining fellow blond f-up LinLo and sex fiend Tiger Woods for a 28-day program at a posh spa retreat in SoCal?

Of course, unlike GOProud, that other, slightly less self-loathing organization for queer conservatives (or is it conservative queers?), The Log Cabin Republicans had a slightly more appropriate reaction to a public figure spewing homophobic hate all over the Fox News room into the family rooms of America's highly impressionable public.

"Coulter's words are not worthy of this event or our nation's political dialogue," President Patrick Sammon said in a statement, prompting Ann to clarify her views on the #1 outpost for frustrated demagogues, hate-spewing meatheads, and peroxide-colored former Hooters waitresses, Fox News.

"'Faggot' isn't offensive to gays; it has nothing to do with gays," she explained. "It's a schoolyard taunt meaning 'wuss,' and unless you're telling me that John Edwards is gay, it was not applied to a gay person."

Hellloooooo! I mean what kind of idiot doesn't know that??

Certainly GOProud understands these things. "She came out and said that she was not calling him gay," Christopher Barron said. "She said it would have been an insult to gay people to call him gay."

Liberals in this country want to view conservatives in a narrow prism, but we are a tolerant, accepting group. The fact that she's doing an event for a traditional conservative group speaks volumes for how she feels about gay people.

In fact, the only thing worse than those nasty, heinous AIDS-plagued, demented sex fiends & sodomites is a slimy South Carolina gent with a deep southern drawl, $400 perfectly coiffed hair, delusions of presidential grandeur, and an ego the size of his bank account, who leaves his cancer-stricken wife to make oral sex videos and bastard babies with his very pregnant, very sleazy mistress, who very respectfully poses with Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy dolls, in a fleabag motel while helping him campaign for the highest office in the land.

Talk about gay!

Oooooh, maybe there is hope after all for Rush Limbaugh to MC this year's NAACP Image Awards...complete with 100% non-offensive, non racist blackface and special guest appearance by Mel Gibson.

Republicans Love Blacks & Mexicans So Much, They Just Can't Stop Saying & Doing Weird, Racist Things All The Time

The world's dopiest illegal stasher of $7 million secret RNC debt, Chairman Michael Steele (who else, yo?) and most deviant duper of liberals and black racists in the White House and NAACP, right-wing media monster mogul Andrew Breitbart are joining forces to create the biggest, most bad-ass fund-raising juggernaut the Republicans, no, make that the world, has ever seen!

Because, surely, rich, old white people be clamoring to get their their photo taken with their favorite national joke, and favorite national scumbag, respectively, at an awesome, fun-filled (albeit lesbian free) event in Beverly Hills on August 12.

There, Tweedledee and Tweedledum of Teabaggers will likely delight the crowd with all the things incompetent, bumbling fools and weaselly, a**hole duos do to "make money" off people who actually want to give their money to a Party that considers these two losers as a super-sexy fundraising draw. Oooh, sounds exciting!

Perhaps they will argue about who is less racist and loves black people more, the RNC Chairman who is so off-the-hook down with the brothas, he leads a Party that openly admitted to using racism as an actual strategy for the past 40+ years, or the white media maverick who tries to get innocent black USDA officials and longtime civil rights leaders fired for learning a valuable lesson about how the only the color that really matters is green, via partial video clips that don't show anything except how much Andrew adores black people everywhere except in the White House or the NAACP.

In fact, the Grand Old Party is sooooooo not racist, they won't even fire a black man for doing everything he could possibly do wrong except being black because that would look really bad for the party still steaming over Northern aggressors' demanding they stop enslaving 'em or hanging 'em from trees.

To be perfectly honest, the color-blind men and women in the Republican Party would love nothing more than to never discuss race again except when refusing to fire woefully incompetent chairmen because of said race (pssst: black!) because running an organization into the ground is how you prove that color matters less than content of character. For reals yo!

Just Like Martin Luther King (or was it Glenn Beck?) dreamed it would be.

Either way, this Steele-Breitbart cash money bonanza is nothing less than a pure COMEDY GOLD MINE!

And we all know how the Republicans feel about gold these days.

Even the black (gasp!) kind that oozes its delicious marine-killing goodness all over America's coastal shores.

I mean, how much more not racist can you get? Wanna know what else is totally, 100% not racist?

Arizona's ¡Adiós Amigos! law saying hasta la vista to all those dirty Mexicanas streaming across the border, contaminating their once-pure desert air.

Thanks to Judge Susan Bolton of the Federal District Court in Phoenix, who has issued “a preliminary injunction blocking the more controversial parts" of Arizona's Nazi immigration law, like the awesome "carry your papers" provision that helps solve the immigration problem by constantly harassing brown or similarly colored people who look suspiciously like terrible, gross Mexicans.

The overall law will still take effect Thursday, but without the provisions that angered opponents including sections that required officers to check a person's immigration status while enforcing other laws.

The judge also put on hold parts of the law that required immigrants to carry their papers at all times, and made it illegal for undocumented workers to solicit employment in public places. In addition, the judge blocked officers from making warrantless arrests of suspected illegal immigrants.

"Requiring Arizona law enforcement officials and agencies to determine the immigration status of every person who is arrested burdens lawfully-present aliens because their liberty will be restricted while their status is checked," U.S. District Judge Susan Bolton ruled.

Liberty shmiberty! What about Aryanzona's liberty to discriminate against poor migrant workers who may or may not be terrible illegals from Mexiland coming to rape their wives and steal their livestock? Or was it the other way around?

Who is going to fight for them? Who's going to stand up for the poor, scared white folks simply trying to keep their beautiful country free from red-and-green sombrero wearing invaders salsa-dancing across barbed wire fences and roving gangs of armed white supremacists all for the chance to give little José and Rosalita a better life by getting wantonly discriminated against by toothless, trigger happy sheriffs prowlin' for La Bamba blastin' truckloads of lawless Latino laborers??

Why, the freedom fighting daughter of famed 1955 California Nazi hunter and blond haired angel of the parched, Mexican drug lord-overrun apocalyptic wasteland of Aryanzona, Gov. Jan Brewer, of course!

“I am disappointed by Judge Susan Bolton’s ruling. This fight is far from over. In fact, it is just the beginning, and at the end of what is certain to be a long legal struggle, Arizona will prevail in its right to protect our citizens.

And protect the pure white sanctity of these once grand, once wholesome, once beautiful milky hued land of Gila Monsters and old white retirees in Cubs hats.

“I have consulted with my legal counsel about our next steps. We will take a close look at every single element Judge Bolton removed from the law, and we will soon file an expedited appeal at the United States Court of Appeals for the 9th Circuit.”

Ugh, thanks a lot for ruining everything SUSAN BOLTON!  Why do you hate white people that much? Has  Shirley Sherrod taught you nothing?

Guess you leave G.I. Jan with no choice but to classify you as a dirty, illegal Messican, place you under arrest, and deport you to a dark, creepy place where no one in their right mind would ever dare venture.

And now that Arizona's is no longer an option, guess that leaves just one place: bound and gagged in the basement of a faux lezzie S&M bondage club. Or, in other words, the next RNC fundraiser.

Michael Steele will personally see to it that every inch of her body is thoroughly strip-searched to satisfaction. Heck, just to be on the safe side, he'll even do it himself.

Some things are just begging to be screwed.

Hooray! Right Wing Succeeds In Getting Innocent USDA Lady Fired, Degrading The Race Debate, & Making Everyone Involved Look Terrible, Except Photoshop!

Word of advice to the Obama administration. Next time some rightwing media blight like Andrew Breitbart releases some highly misleading, clearly tampered with video showing (former?) USDA’s Georgia Director Of Rural Development Shirley Sherrod--whose job is was to basically help poor people (of all colors!) not get screwed out of their farms--as a terrible racist like the rest of the NAACP, perhaps a wise idea would be to maybe use your brains and at least look into the facts of the situation before having an administration-wide panic attack and immediately firing that person like some idiot coward.

Just a suggestion. Ya know, one of those "lessons learned" moments. So maybe the next time you get handed a bogus wingnut video proving, without a doubt, that Shirley Sherrod is totally 100% an out-of-context, edited racist, you'll know better than to let freakin' ANDREW BREITBART become THE authority on who's racist and who's spent the last, oh, I don't know, 20 years fighting the very racism that caused all this trouble in the first place?

Just in case you don't feel the need to have another humiliating scandal that makes you look really scared and really stupid, courtesy of fat white slobs who aren't even in the Republicans in Congress! Unless, of course you want the current political discourse to be hijacked by slovenly hate mongers who insist it's the NAACP who are racist hypocrites (and probably slave owners too!), not scumbag journalists whose job is to make as many baseless, incendiary attacks as possible, with the end result being more embarrassing firings of perfectly innocent, slandered staffers.

Oh, and while we're at it, perhaps the NAACP could also try to remember for a second that they are called the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People and not the National Association for Throwing Random Black People Under The Bus Because Andrew Bretibart Tells You To.

Jesus Christ! I mean seriously people. Then maybe we can actually avoid embarrassing White House shake-ups, awkward retractions and apologies, presidential phone calls, and your basic all-around shitshow, distracting from what is really important:

Getting as much, or as little, accomplished as the Grand Obstructionist Party and Fox News will let them.

If they get on their knees and beg for their forgiveness. Oh, and promise to take back all the terrible things they've already done like help poor people and/or children not die from lack of health care, and make sure Wall Street doesn't get filthy rich doing filthy things to the nation's economy, and of course, its easily preyed upon citizenry.

Haha, who those dumb old things?  Don't worry about them. The GOP certainly won't after they bamboozle you out of power, take back both congressional chambers, and control of this country from the racists and bigots at the NAACP and in the White House.

That way, Obama and all the others can go hang with the rest of the unemployed Americans fired for absolutely no reason whatsoever, because America functions so much better when it's governed by Apex predators, who are never racist and have a knack for avoiding unasked-for-media circuses by terrible, discredited human beings (and we use the term "human beings" lightly), who vomit on their keyboard and get decent, hard-working women like Shirley Sherrod the ol' heave ho for having a brain and character, being honest, and caring deeply about her fellow human beings.

In other words, the complete opposite of Andrew Breitbart.

So, congratulations America on achieving another made-up media spectacle based on absolutely nothing and propelling the race debate in America further into the gutter!

Just watch out for Andrew Breitbart, he's known to lurk in dirty, unsuitable for most oxygen-breathing organisms who don't scavenge off the miseries of others.

But on the bright side, isn't it simply wonderful living in a beautiful, color-free world where a black man can be president and racism no longer exists except of course when said black president is forced to run scared and fire innocent, decades-long proponents of civil rights all because the White Man told him to?

Which makes perfect sense, considering everything Whites have had to endure, what with first losing their slaves, and then having to share bathrooms, buses, restaurants, water fountains, and even public schools (gasp!) with them.

Haven't the poor, long-suffering Whites been through enough?

Teabaggers Prove They're Not Racist (& Love Coloreds!) By Firing One Totally Racist Guy Who Used To Be Their Spokesman

When you're a Teabagger, that is, a member of the elite group that shares its moniker with the incredibly sexy act of dipping testicles into open, gaping mouths or slapping them atop the head, cheek or anywhere else balls can be swung, who thinks dressing up like Benjamin Franklin and hollerin' 'bout black Socialist prezinents stealing all their hard-earned money proves they love America the most, the universe fits perfectly into tidy compartments, and everything in life is pretty much black and white.

Things are sooooooo much easier that way! 'Cause then you can like tweak everything to make anything look better or worse depending on the situation, or whatever version of history feels "right" at that moment. Seriously, you should try it sometime, works wonders!

Like when you, Mark Williams, the official spokesman for the Tea Party Express explain how not racist your organization is, after the NAACP calls some (or all) in your group racist, by writing a fictional letter to Abraham Lincoln pretending, just for good cheer, to be one of those dumb, recently freed coloreds, thanking Abe for freedom 'n shit.

Dear Mr. Lincoln,

We Colored People have taken a vote and decided that we don't cotton to that whole emancipation thing. Freedom means having to work for real, think for ourselves, and take consequences along with the rewards. That is just far too much to ask of us Colored People and we demand that it stop!

The tea party position to "end the bailouts" for example is just silly. Bailouts are just big money welfare and isn't that what we want all Coloreds to strive for? What kind of racist would want to end big money welfare? What they need to do is start handing the bail outs directly to us coloreds!

And the ridiculous idea of "reduce[ing] the size and intrusiveness of government." What kind of massa would ever not want to control my life? As Coloreds we must have somebody care for us otherwise we would be on our own, have to think for ourselves and make decisions!

The racist tea parties also demand that the government "stop the out of control spending." Again, they directly target Colored People. That means we Colored People would have to compete for jobs like everybody else and that is just not right.

Perhaps the most racist point of all in the tea parties is their demand that government "stop raising our taxes." That is outrageous! How will we Colored People ever get a wide screen TV in every room if non-coloreds get to keep what they earn? Totally racist! The tea party expects coloreds to be productive members of society?

Mr. Lincoln, you were the greatest racist ever. We had a great gig. Three squares, room and board, all our decisions made by the massa in the house. Please repeal the 13th and 14th Amendments and let us get back to where we belong.

Sincerely,

Precious Ben Jealous, Tom's Nephew National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Head Colored Person

OMG, HILARIOUS!! And that ending, with the whole NAACP President Ben Jealous "Tom's Nephew" thing? Ummm, naaaaailed it! 

I mean can you believe the NAACP, the very organization that makes "more money off of race than any slave trader, ever" and has the (black) balls big enough to use the words "Colored People" to describe blacks is actually calling white Tea Party Express superstar Mark Williams racist?

Absurd, I tell ya!

Everyone knows only racists say colored. But call 'em blacks or African Americans or Afros, make some watermelon or fried chicken joke, do everything in your power to subjugate their power and trivialize their tribulations, and you, my friend, are as down with the darkies as Mark Williams, Jim Crow, the current KKK Grand Wizard, Michael Steele, or any other one of the other famous civil rights leaders now carrying the mantle in the Grand Old Party of Old White Men.

Since when is America's newest political party, which is really just a mob of freaked-out old white Republicans running around shriekin' "WE WANT OUR COUNTRY BACK" ever since some dude of dubious race (Hawaiian?) won the presidential elections that fateful day 21 months ago, a bunch of terrible racists?

Sorry if some people still care about the whole real birth certificate thing! Sorry if some people don't think a certificate of Live Birth, what Hawaii officially calls such things, cuts it in this scary day and age when anyone can go waltzing into the presidency, even mysterious brown-skinned folks with funny names that include the dreaded Hussein somewhere in there.

Sorry if suddenly a humorous letter written to show how not racist the 'Baggers are is now cause for expulsion. Talk about oppression!

"We, in the last 24 hours, have expelled Tea Party Express and Mark Williams from the National Tea Party Federation because of the letter that he wrote," federation spokesman David Webb said of Williams' blog post that satirized a fictional letter from what he called "Colored People" to President Abraham Lincoln.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Isn't there anyone out there who understands the Lipton wearing patriots do not have a single racist bone in their collective White Body? Someone who can set those dumb monkeys at the NAACP straight about what is racist and what is simply patriotic white pride?

Like say, Republican hero of radio waves and clogged arteries, Rush Limbaugh, who courageously called the resolution “not true," or living legend Sarah Palin blasting the NAACP's claim as “false” and “appalling” or even Fox's box with a head, Sean Hannity, whose thorough search for racist tea party signs still came up empty. "I can't find any racist Tea Party signs!" Hannity giggled to whichever dumb blond was co-hosting today. Guess it must've been made up by the Jew-run media or something. They're always colluding with the blacks to keep the white man down!

Take Jewy-sounding Leonard Zeskind, who has written a history of the white nationalist movement, for instance.

“There are hard-core racists brewing inside the tea party movement,” said the Kansas City resident, white nationalist movement scholar, author of “Blood and Politics” and likely one of those Zionist-Socialist freaks.

“They see tea parties not only as recruitment opportunities, but as vehicles to cross over into mainstream American politics.”

“Liberals think these are all poor, angry, working-class whites, but that’s not true,” Leonard Zeskind explained. “It’s a solid middle class. The belief that these are people hit by the economic downturn is a myth. It’s people who have what they want and don’t want it taken away. They’re defending white privilege. Their slogan is ‘We want our country back.’”

In fact, a New York Times/CBS poll found that 52 percent of Tea Party supporters said “too much has been made of the problems facing African-Americans” while 28 percent of Americans overall said the same.

And?? Like get over a couple hundred years of slavery, a few more generations getting lynched and/or whipped for so much as glancing at the white missus, and get on with your life already! Seriously, it's getting pathetic people!

But what ever will the Tea Party do without Hero Mark Williams' Leadership? How will they cope now that he's been booted just for goin' rogue writing offensive, racist, grossly unfunny letters joking about the plight of blacks in this country. Hopefully, he'll continue his hard work freedom fighting the construction of an Islamic center in Lower Manhattan near Ground Zero, because everyone knows the only time Muslims ever visit New York is when flying hijacked jetliners into prominent NYC skyscrapers, not to mention Ground Zero is no place for the worship of  "the terrorists’ monkey-god." Sick!

Not surprisingly, some cowardly political leaders (Democrats, no doubt!) said the Tea Party movement itself wasn't racist, but needed to distance itself from any elements that bring prejudice and bigotry to its events.

"There are some members who have used the Tea Party -- whether it's the Tea Party itself, there are some individuals who have tried to exacerbate racial tensions in this country," House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD) told CNN. "I have seen some virulent fliers that have been directed at our members, clearly referencing race, the president's race and race generally."

LIAR!!!

Good thing Republicans know better. When also asked about racism among Teabaggers, on the same show, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY), steered clear of the issue, saying: "I am not interested in getting into that debate."

And with that, he snorted, rolled his eyes and retreated back into his protective shell, bless the thing!

Keeps spineless Kentucky fried swamp turtles all nice 'n warm and safe from scary things like reality, black men in the White House, and the ever-terrifying P-word (other than progress!).

No, not predators silly, even worse: principles!

Because why actually stand for something when you can just do nothing, sit back, close your eyes, retreat into your shell, and poke your head out once the dark, menacing storms have passed and the horizon is once again light & bright & beautiful, and safe for shelled reptiles to travel freely without fear of being turned into delicious Turtle soup (or Tea!) by some crazed poacher or Terrapin-hating white power patriot of spice 'n herbs, or whatever the case may be.

Teabaggers Don't Understand Why The NAACP Thinks Mobs Of Armed White Men Trying To Take Back Their Country From Blacky NObama Is In Any Way Racist

First Lady of arm muscles Michelle Obama and her toned, sexy upper limbs headed down to America's #1 party destination Kansas City to attend the annual convention of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), where the organization will, among other things, vote on a resolution condemning the Tea Party movement as "racist," which, while seemingly accurate, appears to have come about eight or so months too late.

NAACP leaders said the resolution was necessary to make people aware of what they believe is a racist element within the tea party movement. (A racist element??)

The resolution calls upon "all people of good will to repudiate the racism of the Tea Parties, and to stand in opposition to its drive to push our country back to the pre-civil rights era. (When America was still segregated and strong).

"I think a lot of people are not taking the tea party movement seriously, and we need to take it seriously," said Anita Russell, head of the Kansas City chapter of the NAACP. "We need to realize it's really not about limited government." (It's more about colored government!)

If voted on, the resolution will likely pass considering you don't need to be the freaking NAACP to know that mobs of middle aged white men holding up Obama monkey signs, waving the Confederate flag, and shouting "nigger and faggot" is indeed no less than some good, old fashioned racism. Christ, any dumb schmuck with working pairs of eyes and ears could tell you that! 

Err, except the actual human bags o' caffeinated spice 'n herbs doing the whole white hood 'n robe 'bagging for freedom thing.

“I just don’t see racism in the tea party movement,” said Brendan Steinhauser, director of campaigns for FreedomWorks, which organizes tea party groups. “Racism is something we’re absolutely opposed to.”

That's so weird! Because I always thought the Teabaggers have pretty much picked up the torch from Martin Luther King and the NAACP in leading the civil rights movement.

“The NAACP has more of a political agenda now, but I would hope that they would appreciate the fact that the tea party movement has a lot in common with the civil rights movement. I’m personally inspired by what the civil rights movement did, and I want them to know that.”

And I'm sure they'll totally appreciate it, too! Especially with your movement being the complete ideological opposite of the NAACP, and anathema to just about everything it stands for and holds sacred. Yes, I'm sure it means the world to them!

They positively adore all the nice little touches, because nothing shows how much you care like staging "Take Back The Country" Klan rallies protesting the illegal hijacking of the presidency by a smooth talking, chocolatey-lookin' fella with a funny name and funnier sounding birth certificate. Like what the hell is a certificate of live birth anyway? Sounds suspiciously Kenyan.

Isn't it so strange that anyone could possibly conceive of even so much as one, or all 100 percent of them, as racists?

Most of 'em are just proud White 'mericans who don't need no stinkin' government hands all over, telling them what (or who) they're allowed to shoot or words they're allowed to misspell cause of the Consti2shun 'n Jesus 'n stuff.

TEABAGGERS, racist? Hahahaha, wild, I know! Not this 'bagger party of all white people plus maybe one or two token blacks out of like thousands, for like diversity and proof that the entire organization is not one big ball of racist grand KKK wizards, with nooses & new testaments in their back pockets! Rather just like-minded middle aged white men who love Jeebus, freedom, guns, confederate flags, but simply HATE deficits and taxes, especially if it's a scary black man doing the taxin' and deficitin'!

It's not like they hate black people or anything like that. They love them! Especially the ones hooping it up on the b-ball court, rapping phatty beats, and filling up their prisons. It's filling up their White House and Executive branch they have the problem with.

But that doesn't mean they're terrible racists or anything!

Besides, it's like 'bagger-in-chief Brendan Steinhauser already told us, "I just don’t see racism in the tea party movement."

Well, at the very least, glad to see the 'baggers embracing one minority, the blind.

Which is a hell of a lot more than we can say for the lazy, finger-pointing NAACP who have nothing better to do than try to solve poverty and crime, find people in the country who are racist, and publicly decry them as such (even if having one convention a year means it's about eight months too late), and create millions more community organizers to ruin America with their brains and blackness, and desire to be counted as a full integer, not some lame fraction like 3/5ths, or whatever uppity, reverse racists like the NAACP are demanding now.

Ugh, get with the program people! Progress is sooooooooo last century! But, on the other hand, waistcoats and powdered wigs are all the rage these days. Hotttttttttt!

Obama To NAACP: Rainbow Is The New Black

Notorious gay-ignorer President Barack Obama used his speech commemorating the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP)'s 100th anniversary to finally give the Queers of Color some much-needed presidential love.

And to prove that, despite his refusal to act on such weighty matters as the right to get married, serve in the military without being forced back into the closet, and the overall advancement of equality for gays and lesbians, Obama's still down with the gays, the President offered an enthusiastic shout-out to his rainbow brother and sisters.

"On the 45th anniversary of the Civil Rights Act, discrimination cannot stand. Not on account of color or gender--how you worship--or who you love. Prejudice has no place in the United States of America."

Racism, he said, is felt "by African-American women paid less for doing the same work as colleagues of a different color and gender. By Latinos made to feel unwelcome in their own country. By Muslim Americans viewed with suspicion for simply kneeling down to pray. By our gay brothers and sisters, still taunted, still attacked, still denied their rights."

But according to Mr. Perfect Obama, responsibility means more than just allowing black gays and lesbians to live their hedonist lifestyle without fear of getting their asses kicked by their straight, god-fearing brothers and sisters. It means "No excuses!"

"No one has written your destiny for you. Your destiny is in your hands and don't you forget that...We have to say to our children, 'Yes, if you're African-American, the odds of growing up amid crime and gangs are higher."

"But that's not a reason to get bad grades, that's not a reason to cut class, that's not a reason to give up on your education and drop out of school," Obama said. "I want them aspiring to be scientists and engineers, doctors and teachers, not just ballers and rappers. I want them aspiring to be a Supreme Court justice. I want them aspiring to be president of the United States."

In other words, less 50 Cent more Colin Powell. Hell, even RuPaul's an improvement!