The Spy Who Knew Too Little: The Rise (And Fall?) Of Leon Panetta

Oh no, is there trouble in Barryland? Perhaps, if you consider the Obama administration's decision to begin a criminal probe of alleged CIA abuses during the Bush administration, minutes after the release of a newly declassified CIA document describing how interrogators threatened to do all kinds of crazy things to detainees, like kill the children of one Sept. 11 suspect and rape the mother of another. You know, typical spy stuff.

But not everyone is happy with these so-called constitutional freedoms that allow the nosy public to view the 2004 CIA inspector general report on all the death it caused, minus the 20 or so pages blacked out for security reasons, not to cover-up illegal activities or heaven forbid torture or anything like that.

CIA director Leon Panetta for one thing is NOT AT ALL pleased with Mr. Goody Two-Shoes Attorney General Eric Holder's decision to appoint a prosecutor to investigate the matter since spies are perfect and would never do anything legally or morally questionable. Ever.

Which explains why Panetta's been getting schooled in the art of temper tantrums from resident expert Rahm Emanuel, so that he can direct his profanity-laced tirades at the whole stupid administration for daring to question the way his spy agency conducts its business of saving America from terrorist attacks and other assorted apocalyptic doom.

Keep this up Barry, and you just might find yourself out of a CIA director. How's that sound? Oh yeah, and then what?

The CIA relies on stability, and the last thing it needs in these uncertain times, is its fifth director since 9/11 storming out the door after an expletive-filled screaming match with White House staff.

Of course, the CIA dismissed the report as "wrong, inaccurate, bogus and false" (wink, wink), Panetta denies any plans to leave his precious CIA, and the only thing the White House would say about the little tirade is that Panetta's known to use "salty language."

Ha ha, yeah, like you're gonna get Leon "Stone-Cold" Panetta to tell you jack sh*t. Even if he knew anything (which, eh, he doesn't), he wouldn't want you people poking around his perfect little spy community, digging (not-so-nice) things up, and exposing his spies.

The gentle and dedicated men and women in the intelligence community willing to go to any lengths (ANY!) all because they love America...and Freedom! And once in a while getting to go medieval on someone's ass. Consequence free, of course!

Surprise! Dick Cheney Behind CIA's Sketchy, Secret Spy Program

Normally when something goes awry, the first person (if he can be considered that) people think of is Dick Cheney. For obvious reasons.

So when we started hearing whispers that the CIA has been duping Congress for years about all their super secret spy programs, our natural assumption was that if you delved deeper you'd eventually find Dick. Sorry, Nancy, not this time.

Turns out we were right! According to CIA director Leon Panetta's testimony to congressional intelligence committees, the Central Intelligence Agency withheld information about a secret counterterrorism program from Congress for eight years on DIRECT ORDERS from that lovable cuddlebug, former vice president Dick Cheney.

Now, Mr. Panetta only found out about this top-secret "program's" existence on June 23, and canceled the hell out of America's little underground KGB project the very same day!

Of course, no one will say what Cheney's secret doomsday project involved except that it was not the CIA interrogation program or domestic intelligence activities. Only that the "unidentified program was devised and deliberately concealed from Congress in the tense months after Sept. 11, when the Bush administration believed new Al Qaeda attacks could occur at any moment and brainstormed about radical countermeasures." Like drowning suspects without actually killing them!

Representative Peter Hoekstra of Michigan, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, said he believed Congress would have only approved of the program "in the angry and panicky days after 9/11, on 9/12, but not later, after fears and tempers had begun to cool." The 13th or 14th? Forget about it.

The inspector general's report about the National Security Agency’s domestic surveillance activities revealed that Cheney's legal adviser, David S. Addington, wouldn't let the flippin' Pope know about their secret little program without direct approval from the boss man himself.

Unfortunately, Mr. Addington could not be reached for comment.

It's hard to talk when your tongue is in a shoebox under Dick Cheney's bed.